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Show October s, 1969 Family Weekly Cures for Sexual Incompatibility helped many couples find new joy in life by discovering the "hang-ups- " that were destroying their marriage By REBECCA LISWOOD, MD. Founder and Executive Director of th Marriogo Counwling Sarvic of 01011 Now York as told to Adele Whitely Fletcher knows something's wrong." I told this wife that if she was punishing her husband by being deliberately unresponsive, she was indulging in a dangerous form of retaliation, and it was important she correct it at once. I recommended that she tell her husband how she felt, assuring him that, if he had a need for the relaxation which fishing provided, she could only be grateful for his boat and the hours he spent on it Because of her resentment, she did not find this easy to do. But she did it and was glad. Her husband admitted he had been reacting badly to office pressure, had several times lost his temper but that, thanks to his weekends on the water, he was beginning to feel human again. Then, taking her into his arms, he had said: "So that's what's been bothering you! I knew something was wrong." Here, of course, a lack of communication was the root of all the trouble. Had this husband confided his problem to his wife, she would not have turned resentful and unresponsive to him. Preoccupation with the children is, in my opinion, one of the most unfortunate problems of marriage. When women transfer their attention disproportionately from husbands to children, they risk estranging their husbands and depriving their children of the most valuable happy relaxed thing in family life home and loving parents. dress manufacturer, A who had made millions, came to me insisting that he no longer loved his wife and wanted a divorce so he could marry a model. "Don't think I'm taken in by this girl's beauty," he told me. "She's beautiful all right But most important I guess, is that she makes me feel 10 feet tall!" He could not understand why his wife opposed a divorce. well-kno- "I've made it clear she'd want for nothing," he said. "And she doesn't give one hoot about me. The kids are her life. She's so wrapped up in them she doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything." I reminded this man he also must have wanted children or they would not have had four. I pointed out that the children's g was his responsibility as well as his wife's and that it would ill serve them to grow up without a father. "You and your wife," I reminded him, "once had excellent sexual response. It is possible, of course, that you could again." He shook his head. "It just doesn't work any more. Who, I ask you, wants a woman who sloshes around with cold cream all over her face and her hair in curlers!" Nevertheless, he carefully weighed what I said, including my proposal that he take his wife on a luxurious holiday, leaving the children at home. When his .vife came to see me, she was eager for a second chance. "My mother warned me I was making a mistake concentrating on the children," she admitted. "Should you &o on this holiday," I said, "I hope you will be well groomed and dressed as alluringly as good taste allows. Men, remember, are visually stimulated." In turn, I reminded the husband that just as men are visually stimulated, women respond to verbal endearments which make them feel desirable and loved. This couple is now in Hawaii. Whether their marriage can be Baved is still a question. But because of their mutual willingness to try to save it, I am optimistic. Insecurity takes many forms, all detrimental to marital harmony, with physical insecurities especially so. Men may worry unnecessarily about their masculinity or advancing age. Those who are sterile may fear impotence, although the two well-bein- conditions are quite separate. And those who heed the tall tales of Don Juan friends may wonder if their lesser need for sex indicates a lack of virility. It is the quality of a not its frecouple's quency that is, above all, important Women with small bosoms may think they're undersexed. Following a hysterectomy or menopause, a woman may worry that she will be an unsatisfactory lover or find .sex leas enjoyable. Often, with the fear of pregnancy removed, the contrary is likely to be true. Women who are frigid may need analysis. Many women, however, are incapable of completely enjoying sex only because they were brought up to think of it as something nice people don't talk about, and its activities as things nice people don't do. They are, as a result only passive partners, never engaging in the participation that might well dispel any bugaboo of frigidity and add immeasurably to their pleasure and that of their husbands. Anothsr hindrance to sexual compatibility is the unrealistic descriptions of the marital embrace found in books and magazines. The human body is capable of holding considerable pleasure, but it just isn't up to the Elysian raptures which certain writers hopeful of making the bestseller list attribute to it I've known this fanciful reporting to cause couples to regard each other with dissatisfaction and criticism. Emotional immaturity might be expected to contribute to sexual harmony, lend itself to an attitude of But it doesn't work that way. The immature are likely to want what they do not have. Tjis sense of unrest engenders disharmony. The resulting quarrels of the immature are apt to be fr&ught with accusations and insults. sneers, even Those reluctant or unable to adjust from courtship and honeymoon to the love-maki- ng down-gradi- ng of mar practical, ried life may seek escape in the romance and excitement of another courtship. Women enjoy the titillation of flirting, the excitement of clandestine dates, and the flattery of being wooed again. Men seek to prove they haven't lost their old magic, to relish the joy of conquest and the flattery of such attention tkat they no longer receive matter-of-factne- ss at home. Kinsey reported 75 percent of married men and 25 percent of married women have had extramarital affairs. Regretfully, I would raise those figures, among women especially. Perhaps the Pill has something to do with this. Dozens, trapped in extramarital affairs, have told me: "It all began innocently enough. We liked to talk to each other." Or "We enjoyed dancing together." A person whose imagination is drawn toward someone outside of his marriage is, understandably enough, less drawn to his marriage partner. He may even resent his partner. And often he will blame his partner for what has happened. A wife, for example, will insist she never would have become involved had her husband not been immersed in his business or taken her for granted. A husband will blame his wife for a lack of interest in his business or antagonism toward his family or for interrupting him. All are justifiable complaints. But it is most unlikely they would have led to any extramarital embroilment had not the husband or wife, emotionally immature, sought the excitement of a new courtship. To the couple who feel sexually incompatible, I would say, "Seek the reason and correct the fault" My experience as a marriage counselor indicates that cure is quite possible once you know the psychological fault which deprives you of the joy of marriage. Family Weekly, October 5, 1969 S |