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Show "Keeping the secret was hell," said the captain . . We came to my hotel, and he let me out - f the car and &hook my hand. I was virtually a stranger, but it did not matter. He smiled that big warm smile of his and said good-byBut I saw a mist in his eyes. And I knew he knew. A few months later, Coop was gone. He had kept his secret well. By remaining silent, he gave others a kind of peace that spared them the e. necessity or embarrassment of expressing their sympathy. They wanted to see him as they always had, vital and alive, the old Coop. .d he wanted to keep the relationship that way, until the end. To me, it was an unforgettable lesson in the art of discretion, of thinking about, and caring for, the needs of others. The dictionary defines discretion as many things prudence, tact, circumspection, restraint, moderation. But basically, and above all, it is the art of knowing how to handle privileged information, to retain a confidence, to keep a secret perhaps the most important social art we possess. All of us possess secrets about ourselves, about others, about special situations. Sometimes, they can be a heavy burden. Sometimes, circumstances force an agonizing choice. Is it better to speak out or remain silent? How do we decide? A social worker in an agency specializing in therapy for problem children recently told me about a child I shall call Marilyn. "Up to the age of nine, Marilyn was bright, alert, and doing well in school. Then, almost overnight, she became withdrawn, nervous, occasionally hysterical. The school was baffled and advised Marilyn's mother to bring the child to me. I discovered that Marilyn had suffered a traumatic sexual experience. "I suggested to the school a program of play therapy for Marilyn, without going into the cause of her trouble. But the school insisted that regulations required a written report, with detailed information. "I knew that putting this kind of secret in the school files could be damaging to Marilyn in later life, do I arranged to have lunch with the school psychologist. She was a mature woman, an experienced professional. When I explained the situation, she agreed that nothing would go in writing; Marilyn's problem would be kept a secret between us." Here, the psychologist had taken the time to think things through. She had considered the consequences and then acted. I believe this is the key the golden key to handling privileged information. Men who are leaders of other men, A-- must know how to handle privileged information. A few years ago, I was at the U.S. submarine base at Groton, Conn., researching a novel on submarines. Sometimes on Cold-W- duce pain, soothe friction, preserve a human relationship, or keep intact the honor, identity, or of some other person, then it is an act of discretion. A second rule for handling privileged information, perhaps the hard est to follow, is to button your lips when you're upset. Then especially remember an ancient Arabian proverb which says: "A secrec is your slave if you keep it your master if you lose it." An act of discretion can be an act of compassion. Many of us under today's pressures tend to forget the emotional needs of the other person. We look for pragmatic or efficient or direct solutions. But the more machines we invent, the more we will need to learn the art of discretion, if only to avoid the nightmare of dehumanization. Unless we are alert self-estee- ar patrol, submarines run completesubmerged for 60 days. Tl.e men are cut off from ordinary contact with home, except for the base radio's "familygrams." The captain of ore of these submarines told me of a familygram. One of his men was expecting to hear of the birth of his child. When the news came, it was tragic: the man's wife had died while giving birth. Only the captain knew this. "I thought about this situation a long time," he said. "Then I called the man in and told him both the mpther and child were doing well." I must have looked shocked. Yet his explanation made sense: ly Intimate facts, revealed in thoughtless gossip, have Mined friendships. 5u m 1 v. e. 4 - "I had to consider the man himwasn't sure he could take the truth. The strain might impair his concentration and judgment. He had a sensitive job, handling diving controls. As I saw it, my first responsibility was to the safety of my crew and ship. "Carrying the secret was hell, of course. Every time I saw this man, it was all I could do to stop myself from coming out with the truth. When we got near port, and I told him the facts, he hated me. But later he told me he understood what I had tried to do." To my mind, this was a singular act of discretion. Like the psychologist, he had taken time to consider the consequences. In handling privileged information, this rule is as constant as the North Star. Often, as in this case, the keeper of a secret must suffer himself. To stay silent often means the goading of guilt, the needling of conscience. Sometimes compassionate deception, in the form of the little white lie, can alleviate the situation. All of us have used the little white lie most of the time for our own selfish ends, to avert an unpleasant commitment or situation. But if it is used to re self. I (Continued from page i ft V - to preserve our social relationships, nourish them with love, then we will all starve and wither away. The handling of privileged information often becomes more demanding when it comes to family matters. A lawyer told me of an incident in his family wherein emotions threatened to explode into a lawsuit. His grandfather had died and left money to each of the grandchildren. When the estate was settled and it came time to distribute the money, the executor who was the dead man's son, George told them he had lost it in a business venture through which he had hoped to increase the value of the entire estate. Clearly, George had betrayed his trust, and the rest of the family held an indignant meeting. Everyone wanted to take him to court for criminal misuse of funds. "As the lawyer of the family," the attorney told me, "they turned to me. What did think? "I told them that taking our own relative to court would only increase bitterness and resentment in the family. Did we want to expose our dirty linen in public? Did we want George's four children to carry the stigma of their father's mistake all their lives? 12) "I told them I understood their rnger. I felt the same way. But was the price of gratifying this anger worth all the consequences? Wouldn't it be wiser simply to take the loss, keep it in the family, and let the matter die? They agreed." Anger, revenge, or any other form clouds good judgof ment. That kind of catharsis may bring a person some sort of temporary relief, but in the long run it is the enemy of discretion. If it is wise to be discreet with information about others, it is equally wise to be discreet about yourself. Information about yourself is privileged information. A woman writer I know tells of an old schoolmate whose marriage was in jeopardy. The two women were friends and saw each other frequently. One day the distraught wife invited her friend to lunch. She felt that she had to talk alfa could not stop. She began to blurt out the most intimate details of her married life, the ways in which her husband had humiliated her. The next day, in the cold light of afterthought, the wife must have been aghast at what she had revealed, for she stopped calling her old friend and never saw her again. Often it can help to "talk it out" with someone you trust. It can, indeed, be just the therapy needed. But there are limitx Mark Twain called confession "good for the soul but bad for the reputation." He might also have added that it can strain the best of relationships. There is an interesting postscript to this. My friend said: "The minute she started to reveal all this, I should have told her, 'I don't want to hear about it or even to know about it.' She might have been hurt at tht moment. But I think we would still be friends." The rule can be phrased : if at times it is indiscreet to talk, it is equally indiscreet to listen. Once a burdensome secret is revealed, it can never be called back. The receiver becomes its custodian forever. And it may haunt him. It can be argued that man is only man because there are areas of privacy he protects in his mind and houI. It is part of his dignity as ji human being, a statement of his personal freedom. Totalitarian states place great stress on the proposition that their citizens keep no secrets, that they confess all. In this way, the state dehumanizes its people. We who cherish personal freedom should recognize that an act of discretion is twice blessed. It blesses him for whom it is performed and him who performs it. , ce Family Weekly, December tt, 1988 IS |