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Show nizecTthat beeause he her. Their they badly her life couldn't end had been taken from children were young; needed the stabilizing influence of a man. So Betty's period of mourning was brief except within her ow;n heart and those of her children. She began to attend social lunc-tio- ns within a few months after JoeVdeath She met men, lots of 1 1:1 CU. iiiuj, aiiu uicjr iikcu uei. one was that kind of a woman. There was -I t ii lL! noimng wrong or luruve auuui these associations. The men f riends knew about her children, and her children knew about the men. Six months ago, JBetty married again. We spent an evening with her and her new husband recently. She was radiant, and the d, children were happy, and plainly proud of their new "father: , The new husband was at first because he knew my close relationship with Joe. But I liked him instantly, and he knew it and responded to it Betty has rbeen criticized by some of our friends for "throwing herself at men" so soon after Joe's death. This is an injustice to her. She simply refused to shutter the windows of her life because of a - tragic accident over which she had no control. As a result, she is brightening someone else's life as well as her own;, and Joe's children are growing up with a steady male hand to adjust the throttle when it's necessary. I probably knew Joe as well as anyone in the world did. And of this Im sure: Joe would have wanted it this way, If he could have his say right now,, it would be to bless this marriage which, in turn, is blessing all those who were dearest to him. 1 1 1 . 1 well-adjuste- ill-at-e- It's ase easy to contrast this story with that of another lifelong friend named Alice, who lost her husband during World War II. She took his death very hard. They had two children; one was an infant, the other three years old when their father was killed. For years Alice kept her husband's belongings just as they had been, but she was finally prevailed, on to dispose of them recently. There must be 15 or 20 pictures of him scattered throughout the house. The children have a weird feeling almost fear about him. Instead of a healthy respect for a man they never knew, they regard him as a ghost 1 , peering over their shoulders. Alice resists violently any suggestions that she go out with a man; she regards this as an affront to her husband. This is her business, of course, but the children, raised in a purely female home, are going to have some problems adjusting to life. They have been coddled and spoiled, and they need a restraining hand badly. This has been suggested to Alice obliquely, but it hasn't registered yet And it's probably too late now for her to change. I know other young widows and even some older ones who . have refused to marry again or even to encourage any friendship with men. They usually cite two reasons for feeling this way: 1. By marrying again or being companionable with other men, they are somehow being irreverent to the memory of their first husband; 2. They want to make sure that the tragedy of a husband's death can never happen to them again. The first argument is a lot of hokum. And if the widow had "ever discussed this point with her husband before his death, I think he would probably have told her so. I can't think of a single man of my acquaintance who would be repelled by the thought of his widow marrying again. Mostly this is a fairy story that the girls tell themselves after their husbands are gone. s As for the second reason this would be tantamount to refusing ever to play golf again after seeing a golfer struck by lightning. To deprive yourself of this pleasure for a lifetime'on the decidedly remote possibility that lightning might strike again would be both wasteful and foolish. Yet there are women I know who have put up with a lifetime of loneliness for just that reason! I'd never want this to happen to , Jean. The years we've had together are ours; nothing of them can ever be taken away from us. The same is true of our children. Our time with them has been -i-ruitful-and exciting and that's the way our memories of these days will always be. But there's no reason to build a fence around these joyous experiences and write finis to them, no matter what happens. Life goes on, and so do joy and happiness; and they must be shared with someone to be really fulfilling. Shared how? A wife's life is geared to a man ' equally from his mother and father in making his peace with the world and - finding his place in it. Jean .knows the importance of this as well as I do. My. son needs someone to bet on football games with, to hit him fly balls, and to discuss God with him so he knows that God belongs in a man's world as .well as a woman's. And my. daughters need a bumbling, masculine hand to button their dresses, and a father's spacious and protective lap to crawl into when masculine - strength is needed. I plan to be around to supply these things. But if I weren't, I'd trust Jean completely to supply the right kind of father for our children. There's something else, too, something tremendously important: my wife has a great deal to away. Your wife comes home from a give.; She's loaded with love and civic meeting, bursting with zeal humor, good companionship and and overflowing with ideas for broad interests things that can creating a better community. But be expressed in many ways but there's no one to sound them out most often and most effectively on or thresh them over with with a husband. What, a pitiful don't seem waste it would be if these talentsr and somehow the ideas so important the next morning so wonderfully developed and when she phones her women matured, should have no outlet. friends. The loss wouldn t be just Jean s, A group in the neighborhood either, borne man, somewnere, for an gets together impromptu who needs what she has to give cook-o- ut and bridge party. As a would also lose. So would my temporary "widow," your wife children. And so, too, would all just doesn't fit into the picture. the people with, whom Jean as to sociates v and all the activities They need couples not indi....... well liked which she gives her energy and viduals, no matter how for the party. talent; For that energy is at' its Then there are those peaceful, keenest edge and that talent at solemn hours in the evening when its creative best when she is fulthe kids are in bed and the house filling her role as a woman is quiet. When you're home, completely and rewardingly. I have no fears about ever beperhaps you and your wife may be reading or working or watching replaced in Jean's affections. ing television without saying a. I feel my place is secure with her, word to each other. Yet you are just as hers is with me. But I also sharing your presence a subtle feel that Jean's capacity for loving sort of satisfaction that is scarcely doesn't stop with me. That would recognizable until it is missed. In he a stultifying limitation to put its stead can come a loneliness on her. No, there's plenty of room that erodes an individual who has in Jean's affections, plenty of love much to share and no one with for her to lavish without drawing whom to share it. off any of the special affection that has been mine during our These things are true not so wonderful marriage, much because of the in.I've never discussed this with dividual characteristics of a Jean, and chances are I never husband, but simply because he will. But I think she knows how is a husband. The individual I feel, and I think she feels the characteristics are, of course, pesame way. his and be can't I fully expect to continue to replaced. culiarly But his function as a husband can grow with my wife and my family be and should be. grow in love and maturity and If I weren't around to take care wisdom. I'm not anticipating an of it myself, I'd want a man to early demise. But if anything have a hand in raising my chilever should happen to me, I hope dren. A child draws Jean marries again! and all the things that go along with him. Think for a minute about what happens when you're away from home for a few days on a business trip. Meals suddenly become sketchier. Without the man of the house to cook for, the wife tends, to feed the kids the things they order like hamburgers and hot dogs and one little segment of her personality and creativity goes by the boards. .. A good play or motion picture comes to town, one that she wants to see very badly, but she stays home because she doesn't want to go alone. And a chance for intellectual stimulation is missed, ' perhaps forever. A good friend from calls and wants to come out but doesn't when he learns that you're out-of-to- . wn . . well-adjust- ed family Weekly, April 11. 1951 17 |