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Show Sunday, June H -- LL 1, HERALD DAILY 2008 mm U C3 TODAY IN HISTORY mil Today is Sunday, lune 1, the 1 53rd day of 2008. There are 21 3 days left in the year. Today's Highlight in History: 1, 1813, the mortally wounded commander of the U.S. June WARNING: SOME MATERIAL NOT SUITABLE FOR SERIOUS PEOPLE frigate Chesapeake, Capt. James Lawrence, said, "Don't give up the ship" during a losing battle with a British frigate. One degree of se paration This classic Dave Barry column was originally published June 13, 2004. A commencement address to the college class of 200?: This is your big day-th- e day when you jam four years' worth of unlaundered underwear into a Hefty bag and leave college, prepared by . your professors to go out into the Real World The first thing you'll notice is that your professors are not going out there with you. They're not stupid; that's why they're professors. They've figured out that college is a carefree place where the most serious real problem is finding a legal parking space. So your professors are going to stay in college until they die. Even then, they'll go right on teaching classes. This is called "tenure." But you, the members of the Class of 200?, have committed the grave tactical blunder of acquiring enough credits to graduate. So now you're leav- - ; ing college and embarking upon the greatest adventure and the biggest challenge of your young lives: moving v Dave Barry straight from college into a harsh and unforgiving world fraught with unbearable hardships, such as no free highspeed Internet. And so many of you will return home, hand your Hefty bag to Mom for processing, and move back into your old room, which is filled with your childhood memories, not to mention the faint aroma of Is this a bad thing? Does the fact that you, a grown adult, are moving back in with your parents mean that you're a sponging loser? Yes. You are SpongeBob back in with your parents. LoserPants. Decades ago, when I graduNo! Sorry! I mean: No. It's ated from college, my friends fine! Your parents don't mind! and I would rather have undergone a vasectomy With a They're thrilled to have you back home! Even from way up fondue'fork than move back in with our parents. But times here on the podium, I can hear have changed, and today many their teeth grinding with joy. Besides, it's only temporary, graduates don't want to go right? In time, you'll get tired of living with your parents, with their constant nagging about how you need to find a job, or at least help with the housework, and could you put gas in Dad's car when you borrow it, and can you explain the Mystery Thong that Dad found in the backseat cup holder, and MY ... IS THAT A TATTOO, and could you not play that music so loud at night, or could you at least play some DECENT music, we're not "squares" you know, we like GOOD rock 'nroll, we like The Mamas and the Papas, the Beatles though not the later but this music today, Beatles you can't even call it music, it sounds like angry men clubbing a yak to death with electric guitars, and HOW COULD when you realize that you can no longer continue living with them. And so, you will summon your courage, take a deep breath, and ask them to move out. It's only fair! They've had the house practically to themselves for years! Now it's your turn! Let THEM go work at Starbucks. Of course, eventually, you, the Class of 200?, will want to have a career. You may think you'll never find your "dream job," but trust me: If you set your goals high, and you never, ever give up, I guarantee you that one day you will find yourself working for a huge impersonal corporation run by morons. Every- body does! It's not so bad: You get a little cubicle where you sit all day YOU GET A TATTOO THERE, doing some tedious corporate and there are 15 Starbucks no thing that has absolutely nothwait, now it's 16 Starbucks ing to do with anything you learned in college. On your within walking distance of this house and surely one of break, you'll go buy a mocha latte from Dad. You'll settle them would be happy to hire into a comfortable routine, and somebody with a degree in before you know it, you'll have anthropology, and here's an article I found in Women's Day kids of your own. And one day, about tattoo removal that you you'll send them off to college. When that happens, Class of might want to . . . DON'T YOU WALK AWAY WHEN I'M 200?, change the locks. TALKING TO YOU ... I Dave Barry is a columnist Yes, graduates, as much as for the Miami Herald. He you love your mom and dad, is continuing a leave of you're realistic enough to unabsence from writing his derstand, deep down inside, that they are the two most anweefciy humor column. Write to him co The Miami Herald, noying human beings on the One Herald Plaza, Miami, planet. And so the time will Fla. 33132. come I give it six weeks On this date: 1533, Anne Boleyn, the second wife of King Henry VIII, was crowned as Queen Consort of England. 1792, Kentucky became the 15th state of the Union. 1796, Tennessee became the 6th state. 1 1 868, James Buchanan, the 5th 1 president of the United States, died near Lancaster, Pa. 1926, actress Marilyn Monroe was born Norma Jeane Mortenson in Los Angeles. 1943, a civilian flight from Portugal to England was shot "down by ,! the Germans during World War II, killing all aboard, including actor Leslie Howard. 1958, Charles de Gaulle became premier of France, marking the beginning of the end of the Fourth Republic. 1 968, Helen Keller, author-lectur- who earned a college degree despite being blind and deaf almost all of her life, died in Westport, Conn., at age 87. 1968, the British television series "The Prisoner," starring Patrick McGoohan, had its American premiere on CBS. 1980, Cable News Network made its debut. Ten years ago: President Clinton abruptly abandoned his claim of executive privilege in the Monica Lewinsky investiga: tion. Thousands of refugees from Serbia's Kosovo province streamed into neighboring Albania to escape deadly fight- - world's seven wealthiest nations and Russia pledged billions of dollars to fight AIDS and hunger on the opening day of their summit in Evian, France. One year ago: The FDA warned consumers to avoid using toothpaste made in China because it might contain a poisonous chemical used in antifreeze. '.' Kidnapped British journal- ist Alan Johnston appeared in a videotape posted on an Islamic Web, the first time he was seen since being abducted nearly three months earlier in Gaza. (Johnston was freed July 4.) Assisted suicide advocate Jack Kevorkian walked out of : a Michigan prison, wheie he'd spent eight years for ending the life of a man suffering from Lou Gehrig's disease. Today's Birthdays: Actor Richard Efdman is 83. Actor Andy Griffith is 82. Actor Edward Woodward is 78. Singer Pat Boone is 74. Peter Masterson is 74. Actor Morgan Freeman is 71 . Actor Rene Auberjonois is 68. Opera singer Frederica von Stade is 63. Actor Brian Cox is 62. Rock musician Ronnie Wood is 6V. Actor Jonathan Pryce is 61; Actor Powers Boothe is 60. Actress , Gemma Craven is 58. Country singer Ronnie Dunn (Brooks and Dunn) is 55. Actress Lisa Hartman Black is 52. Singer-musicia-n Alan Wilder is 49. Rock musician Simon Gallup (The Cure) is 48. Country musician Richard Comeaux (River Road) is 47. Actor-singJason Donovan ; is 40. Actress Teri Polo is 39, Model-actres- s Heidi Kium is 35. Singer Alanis Morissette is 34. TV personality Damien Fahey is 28. Actor Taylor Handley is 24. Thought for Today: "Conventionality is not morality. is not religion. To attack the first is not to assail the last." Charlotte Bronte, English novelist (181 6-- 855)... ing. Five years ago: Leaders of the TYie Associated Press HOROSCOPE EUGENIA LAST, SUNDAY, JUNE News of the Weird U.S. military operates vacation site its personnel worldwide and their families at the Guantanamo Bay detention facility, with suites, surfing, boat rides, golf course, bowling alley and even a gift shop. One for sale reads, "The Taliban Towers at Guantanamo Bay, the Caribbean's Newest Resort." News of the facility was not widely reported until a British lawyer who represents 28 of the nearly 300 detainees housed there described it to London's Daily The rt . Bailey, 43, was awarded the equivalent of about $10,300 by a court in Ashford, England, in May after she complained of sexual harassment by her e direct team at Selectabase company. Among the "laddish" behavior was her boss's regularly "lift(ing) his right cheek" and expelling gas in her direcotherwise-all-mal- marketing tion. employees were complaining that new computers delivered to the office lacked games like solitaire, hearts and Minesweeper, and that it wasn't fair that employees with older computers still had the games. (2) The traffic commander of the Rusafah district in Baghdad told his officers in April to start enforcing the country's seat belt laws. The fine is the equivalent of about $12.50. Bright ideas g solar-powere- d -- , non-leth- News of the tacky ( 1) The leader of the Liberal Party in the Australian state of Western Australia said in April that he would not resign even though an accusation against him was true: that at a party staff meeting in December 2005, when a female colleague got out of her chair, he playfully moved over and sniffed it. (2) The Missouri Supreme Court suspended the law license of David A. Dalton II in March for allegedly arranging leniency, with a prosecutor, for one of his clients in exchange for the client's having her godfather, retired football star Terry Bradshaw, autograph a baseball for him. People with issues Freeman, 71; Andy Griffith, 82 electrical tower, where his arm brushed against a live wire. Police said Fritzson was after a parakeet's nest at the top so he could sell the eggs to a pet store for as much as $20 each. (2) Sixteen people were undergoing treatment for possibly having rabies in May in Hilton Head, S.C., after exposure to a baby raccoon later discovered to be rabid. While some of the 16 had merely cuddled it, an unknown number apparently could not resist kissing the wild animal on the lips. Update Last year News of the Weird reported on an organic art in which artists Oron Catts and) Ionat Zurr attempted to grow embryonic stem cells of a species onto an artificial platform, in this case creating leather from mouse cells without the need to kill cows. However, in the latest demonstration of the project, at New York City's Museum of Modern Art this spring, the exhibit apparently grew so rapidly that it overwhelmed the space available, and curator Paola.ntonelli said she was forced to kill the organism. She told the Art Newspaper that it was a difficult decision. "I've always been and all of a sudden I'm here not sleeping at night about killing a coat." pro-choic- half-intere-st people At One With Nature: (1) Cameron Fritzson, 20, landed in the hospital in critical condition in May after he scaled first the fence at an elecouter, trical substation in Pembroke Pines, Fla., and then the main Utah County's EDITORIAL 1 Happy Birthday: This year, there is money to be made through investments, real estate and for; good deeds you have already done. Common sense, intuition and a willful spirit will put you ahead of the crowd. Your desire to turn something you discover or learn into a service or goods for the masses will lead to success. Put your ideas to.the test. Your numbers are 9, 12, 22, 34, 37,45 ARIES (March 19): You will be able to reinforce your goals by going over what's important to you. A challenge that gets your adrenalin racing will do you good. An infatuation must be put in perspective -question your motives. 3 stars y 20): Sort (April through any paperwork that has piled up. A list that will help you reach your personal goals will give you a better idea of what needs to be done and the length of time it will take. Avoid a family feud. 3 stars TAURUS In May, a New York appeals court rejected a lawsuit by the former mistress of prominent married rabbi Joel Goor, 75, that claimed he would owe her a $ 125,000 cash settlement if he Instant karma broke up with her. The court man was said it was a contract that fa(1) A cilitated adultery and therefore hospitalized in critical condition in Salt Lake City, hit by was not enforceable, even cars after running into traffic though there were several to avoid paying for a taxi ride provisions. he had just taken (March). (2) Accordjng to the New York A man, pursued Post, the contract called for the woman to receive a by police after he tried to run in Goor's house in the down his girlfriend with his Bronx if she would "join Joel in car, fled on foot across Interhis cultural experiences withstate 45 near Houston, but was struck and killed by cars (Febout complaining," get liposuction and "attempt with Joel's ruary). (3) Two men who stole a kayak and went joyriding delicate guidance to speak on Moon Lake near New Port English properly." Richey, Fla., drowned when the boat capsized (March). Least competent , BORN ON THIS DAY: Alanis Morissette, 34; Lisa Hartman Black, 52; Morgan by Chuck Shepherd -- I Most Convoluted Business Plan: Adolfo Martinez, 33, and Mark Anderson, 26, were indicted for fraud in Las Cruces, Mail in May. N.M., in April, accused of passing forged checks. The men's The continuing crisis plan was to buy Domino's pizzas with the checks, then have I Another Criterion for Teacher Certification: Police in one of the men put on a Pizza Hut shirt and resell the pizzas, Fort Myers, Fla., were called to Royal Palm Exceptional by the slice, in a local park School in April and wound up or at stores (even though the pizzas were still being carried boy arresting an around in the Domino's boxes). named Desha wn for punchTriumph International, the ing his female teacher in the , face, leaving several bruises. Japanese women's underwear Said Deshawn's grandmother, company, released its latest publicity-seekincreation in Dorothy Williams, when in"He terviewed by WBBH-TV- : bra," May: the with enough exposed panels to gets very upset, and he loves to hit," but "if he was overpow- power an iPod or cell phone. ering her that much, I feel like Other Triumph specials include a baseball bra (with fielder's-mit- t she shouldn't be in that line of work." shaped cups) and a heated I America in Decline: One of bra (with microwavable gel the Internet's successful Web pads to warm the cups). 10 million page views I Joe Weston-Websites formerly a carnival showman but who a month, with $500,000 in ads now runs a flooring company from companies including Verizon, McDonald's and General in Nottinghamshire county, Motors is a site that merely England, told reporters in March that he was exasperated reports on what celebrities' at crime in the area and his babies are wearing, in that so many mothers are apparinability to legally use enough ently obsessed with mimicking force to protect his property. those clothing choices for their In answer, he had pulled two own tots. A May Wall Street pieces of equipment Journal feature said sometimes out from the old days to shoot at criminals: a the site's posting a photo of a cannon, formerly used for fircelebrity baby incites a nationwide run on what it's wearing. ing his wife across the River Avon (now loaded with rubberWorkplace Culture: (1) -tipped Salesman Chad Hudgens filed projectiles) and a a lawsuit in January against catapult (now loaded with chicken droppings from his former Salt Lake City ema nearby farm). Said Weston-Webployer, charging that the boss and a "motivational trainer" "(T)he only people who " seem to be against what I'm used, as a doing are the police." exercise, what was essentially the controversial "torture" First things first practice of "waterboarding." The boss allegedly said that (1) A supervisor at the Monif salesmen tried as hard to close deals as they're trying to tana Department of Public . Health and Human Services breathe during the simulated drowning, sales would soar. (2) told a Billings Gazette reporter in March that some of his British office worker Theresa "team-building- CELEBRITIES Visit Chuck Shepherd daily at http:NewsoftheWeird. blogspot.com or www. NewsoftheWeird.com. Send your Weird News to WeirdNewsTipsyahoo.com or P.O. Box 18737, Tampa, FL 33679. v GEMINI (May 20f. Someone may be hiding something from you if he or she thinks you'll get angry if you find out. Play the nonchalant game and . eventually the information will be delivered to you for discussion. Stay calm and save the day. 3 stars CANCER (June 22): Don't take things for granted. If you need to put in extra hours to complete a task, do so rather than facing the consequences if you don't. Your professionalism will not go unnoticed or unrewarded. 4 stars 22): Don't get upset because someone hasn't included you in his or her plans. Joining a group that interests you will bring about new friendships with people with whom you have more in common. Embrace what life has to offer. 2 stars LEO (July t. VIRGO (Aug. 22): Don't let someone else's bad mood or erratic behavior hold you back from having a good time. Someone from your past will be r J,'2p08 just as much fun as you remember, so reconnect. Take the initiative. 5 stars 22): Don't (Sept. 23-Osit around waiting for someone to make a move; put in the first call or suggest what should be on your agenda. You should be traveling, searching for things that inspire or motivate you. Talks will lead to partnerships. 3 stars LIBRA SCORPIO (Oct. 21): Emotional deception is likely to develop between you and someone you care about if you aren't upfront. A talk may be tumultuous but, in the end, issues will be resolved, alleviating stress and enabling you to get on with life and love. 3 stars SAGITTARIUS (Nov. a friend to an industry event or tradeshow. There is ground to cover and money to be made if you make the right connections. Love is in the stars. 3 stars CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Ja- find a new source for something you have to offer. A change will keep everyone guessing and spare you from boredom. 5 stars (Jan. 20-Fe18): Be careful to whom you entrust your secrets. Enjoy a passionate or friendly encounter with someone you have an interest in. Don't let your emotions.get the better of you, especially if the problem concerns mcjney. 2 stars AQUARIUS PISCES (Feb. 20): Reconnect with someone with whom you may have had a falling out. Changes will be inevitable but, if you are accepting and work with what's going on around you, it will be easier to come out unscathed, with a solid plan. 4 stars Birthday Baby: You are fun, a little fickle and can skirt issues with ease. You are aggressive and a sensation seeker who loves competition and strives to be the best. Eugenia's Web sites: astroadvice.com for fun, eugenialast.com for confidential consultations LETTERS TO THE EDITOR ONLINE ij, :xtra,com source of local news www. heraldextra.com 19): Do family things or invite friends over. Talks will ensure that you SPEAKUP , 21): Mix business with pleasure, even if it means taking the family or |