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Show DAILY Sunday, May 11, 2008 HERALD C3 TODAY IN HISTORY Fumy bone Today is Sunday, May 1 1, the 132nd day of 2008. There are 234 days left in the year. This is Mother's Day. requested an independent counsel to investigate Labor Secretary Alexis Herman for alleged influence-peddling and solicitation of illegal campaign contributions. Herman was later cleared. A French mint produced the first coins of Europe's single currency, the euro. Today's Highlight in History: WARNING: SOME MATERIAL NOT SUITABLE FOR SERIOUS PEOPLE On May 11, 1858, Minnesota became the 32nd state of the Union. . On this date: A story line with bite because even though you're 200 times the critter's size, you're afraid that it will bite (or pinch) you, whereas you know in your heart that you always ask me: "Is will not bite (or pinch) it. People to be alike We just have to hope that 1 writer you and 4 ' ' 1 more critters do not figure Joyce Carol Oates?" this out. That was the situaYes. Very hard. Here is a tion I found myself in, chasing true example of the kind of the Demon Serpent around difficulties we face: The other arm outstretched the pool. I'd get close enough I at in was gripping sitting my day, to grab it with the tongs, and the tongs as far back on the desk in my home office, dohandle as possible while the suddenly it would rever.se ing what I do all day, which is snake thrashed wildly. The in- direction, and WHOA I was frown at my computer screen stant I was outside I dropped and wrestle with professional fleeing from the snake. This the tongs, and the snake, now went on for several minutes writing issues, such as: "Do free to go anywhere in North I have anything to say about chasing the snake, fleethis topic?" And: "What, exAny wildlife expert will tell America, proved that it was in ing from the snake, chasing fact the Evil Demon Serpent the snake until finally the you that, when confronted actly, IS this topic?" snake made the classic tactical from Hell by slithering diThis is tiring work, so with a potentially dangerous animal, you must remain rectly into the swimming pool. error of going into the pool roughly 35,000 times a day I Head high, it began to briskly filter basket. Once again, I calm and not make any sudhave to take a break to eat swim laps in a counterclockwas able to get close enough den movements. That's why something or drink somehell direction. I wise to get the tongs on it and with "The or scratch always say: thing something. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! wildlife experts." Propelled "Ha ha, Barbecue Boy !" it At this particular moment, This time, when I dropped I reached to my left to pick was indicating. "Perhaps you almost entirely by my bun missile-likdo the I not a have of Diet can and Coke, muscles, shot, tongs, the snake went large enough up my into the patio planter, where EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! from my chair, landing on my pair of tongs to handle the it disappeared. It's still out likes of me!" That is the screaming sound feet, clutching my keyboard So I had no choice but there somewhere, lurking, in a defensive pose. The snake my brain made when it realand now I'm a nervous wreck, had not moved. It was clearly to pick up the tongs again ized that my hand was, at and chase the snake around most, two inches from a LIVE thinking: "My species is milwondering how it got into the house and where it will show SNAKE. Really. As a South lions of years old. I do not fear the edge of the pool, in that Florida resident, I'm used to up next. schizophrenic way that you your keyboard." I'm also exhausted. YOU try So I ran into the kitchen chase a critter when you are having ants on my desk, but and grabbed what I felt was actually terrified of it. Like, if sleeping with barbecue tongs. they are friendly, harmless e the best and easy to smush. Whereas weapon I you see a crab or a squirrel in n I Dave Barry is a columnist own: barbecue tongs. Branthis was a snake, your path, you keep moving toward it, not because you are or the Miami Herald. He coiled for attack, with its head dishing them, I went back to reared up and its tongue flick- the office and lunged at the brave, but because you believe is continuing a leave of it will run away from you. But absence from writing his snake. The good news was: I ing out toward me, which is if it's one of those renegade how snakes communicate the was able to grab it. The bad weekly humor column. Write to him co The Miami news was: I grabbed it in its crabs or squirrels that run in message: "Hah! Perhaps you wish to die for your Diet Coke, midsection, and it was long your direction, you admit it Herald, One Herald Plaza, turn and flee, whimpering, Miami, Fla. 33132. Mister Writer Man!" enough (I am estimating 17 feet) that it could easily reach my hands with its mouth, and it was flailing around in a very irate manner. Fortunately, I was able to keep a cool head, as we see by the following verbatim transcript of my thought process: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I dimly remember bursting out the patio door, with my This classic Dave Barry column was originally published July 6, 2003. m Dave Barry e, Five years ago: The United States declared Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein's Baath Party dead. Lithuania became the first republic to approve entry into the European Union as voters completed a weekend referendum. Canada beat Sweden 2 in Finland to win its first hockey world championship in six years. 1502, Christopher Columbus left Cadiz, Spain, on his fourth and final trip to the Western Hemisphere. 1647, Peter Stuyvesant arrived in New Amsterdam to become governor of New Netherland. 1888, songwriter Irving Berlin was born Israel Baline in Temun, One year ago: Speaking aboard the aircraft carrier USS John C. Stennis in the Persian Gulf, Vice President Dick Cheney warned Iran that the U.S. and its allies would keep it from restricting sea traffic as well as from developing nuclear weapons. North and South Korea adopted a military agreement, enabling the first train crossing of their border ki more than half a century. Russia. 1910, Glacier National Park in Montana was established. 1944, Allied forces launched a major offensive against German lines in Italy. 1946, the first CARE packages arrived in Europe, at Le Havre, France. 1973, charges against Daniel Ellsberg for his role in the "Pentagon Papers" case were dismissed by Judge William M. Byrne, who cited government misconduct ; 1985, 56 people died when a flash d fire swept a soccer stadium in Bradford, England. master spy Harold "Kim" Philby, the notorious "Third Man" of a British espionage ring, died in 1 988, the Soviet Union at age 76. ValuJet DC-- 9 1996, an Atlanta-boun- d caught fire shortly after takeoff from Miami and crashed into the Florida Everglades, killing all 110 people on board. Ten years ago: India set off three underground atomic blasts, its first nuclear tests in 24 years. Attorney General Janet Reno Today's Birthdays: Comedian Mort Sahl is 81 . Rock singer Eric Burdon (The Animals; War) is 67. Actress Shohreh Aghdashloo is 56. Actress Frances Fisher is 56. Actor Boyd Gaines is 55. Country musician Mark Herndon (Alabama) is 53. Actress Martha Quinn is 49. Actress Natasha Richardson is 45. Country n Tim Raybon (The Raybon Brothers) is 45. Country musician Keith West (Heartland) is 40. Actor Coby Bell is 33. Actor Jonathan Jackson is 26. Thought for Today: "A mother never realizes that her children are no longer children." Holbrook Jackson, British critic and historian (1874-1948- The Associated Press anti-snak- News of the Weird (2) From Nickelodeon mer- s fighting," as "human cockfighting," is a major "sport," mostly in Southern and Western states, but only in Missouri are kids as young as 6 permitted on the mats, ac- Almost-anything-goe- cording to a March Associated Press dispatch from Carthage, Mo. Members of the Garage Boys Fight Crew, ages up to 14, including one girl, regularly square off with only a few concessions in rules and pro- tective gear from their adult counterparts. Parents seem to regard the sport as casually as they regard Little League or soccer, and sportsmanship is in evidence, as kids are still best friends, pummeling each other inside the cage but then heading off afterward to play video games. Entrepreneurial spirit! I A highlight of this year's Easter promotion by the Jelly Belly company (as additions to its 50 standard flavors) was its surprise BeanBoozled boxes, with odd tastes and colors. Although garlic beans beans, buttered-toas- t and cheese pizza beans are no longer available, connoisseurs can sample jelly beans made to taste like pencil shavings, ear wax, moldy cheese and vomit. A Jelly Belly spokeswoman told Newhouse News Service in March, "There are 20 flavors in each little box ... so you don't know what flavor you are tasting ... coconut or baby wipe." I Los Angeles businessman Llewellyn Werner told The Times of London in April that he plans to spend $500 million to build a Disneyland-typ- e theme park in the heart of Baghdad, with the first phase (a skateboard facility, with 200,000 free skateboards to hand out) to open in just three months. Eventually, the park will include rides and a concert chandising has come a Sponge-boSquarepants Musical Rectal Thermometer (which plays b the Spongebob theme that (the designer apparently imagines) makes the temperature-takin- g process less unpleasant). Science on the cutting edge I Prairie Orchard Farms in Manitoba told Toronto's Globe and Mail in March that it has been successfully infusing hogs with omega-3s- , the oils that get the best press among fatty acids, since it is found plentifully in healthful salmon and other seafood. A laboratory analysis of a slab of Prairie Orchard's "enriched" ham had the omega-3- s of almost of a large salmon filet, but the best news of all was side of bacon that a equaled that of the salmon filet. I Personality Transplants: (1) Cheryl Johnson, 37, described to London's Daily Telegraph in March the many ways in which her personality suddenly changed following a new kidney that she received from a deceased, man. Some researchers believe in such a "cellular memory phenomenon," but it is unclear whether, for example, Johnson's recent abandonment of trashy reading in favor of Dostoevsky and Jane Austen would qualify. (2) Sonny Graham of Hilton Head, S.C., committed suicide in April after having spent 13 years with the transplanted heart of suicide victim Terry Cottle. The cellular implication is somewhat less likely, though, because Graham's widow was the same one-four- th 100-gra- woman who was married to Cottle at the time of his suicide. Charity on the cutting edge I "Obviously, this is not as important as helping starvtheater adjacent to the Green ing kids in Africa, but it's the same basis," Karla Rae Morris Zone. I Questionable new products: told Canada's Sun newspapers (1) The Japanese manufacturer in February. "They want to Nihon Sofuken recently introhelp us out," she said, referd duced a slightly ring to her benefactors who had donated money (from drink called Placenta 10000, two men, over $1,000 (Cdn) but Wired.com was not able each) so that she could afford to verify whether it contains actual human placenta (which breast implants, based on aris supposed to have miraculous rangements commenced by regenerating powers for some the Web site MyFreelmplants. com, which facilitates parts of the body). peach-flavore- by Chuck Shepherd exchanges and chats for prospective contributors and collects the money until the goal is reached. "It's like donating to any charity," said Morris, of her donors. "You feel like you're doing good." Bright ideas I Among the notable offerings at the International Exhibition of Inventions in Geneva, Switzerland, in April were jelly (nonalcoholic) to spread on biscuits, and artificial, removable nose hair (swabs of pipe cleaner for the nostrils to block pollen and dust). ("Most people do not have enough nose hair," inventor Gensheng Sun told The Associated Press.) Italian engineer Enrico Rei ruti said it was his personal laziness that led him to develop a bed that makes itself, with automatic beer-flavor- g and straightening. Diane Cheong Lee Mei of China swore that her novel computer software employed algorithms sophisticated enough to enable the user to detect the gender of any sheet-shakin- writer. Least competent criminals I Not Ready for Prime Time: (1) Ahmed Jalloul, 20, was convicted in April of robbing a post office in Adelaide, Australia, based on DNA evidence. Witnesses said Jalloul seemed unsteady and unsure of himself during the crime and consequently vomited on the floor before running from the scene. (2) Eric Hardin, 20, was charged in March in St. Louis with possession of child pornography on compact discs, which his former roommates had turned over to police after cleaning his room. They had kicked Hardin out for his unbearably poor hygiene. Recurring themes "Freestyle" dog dancing continues to thri e, at least in British Columbia (where the first organization sprang up in 1999, amassing an mailing list, as News of the Weird reported). A Globe and Mail dispatch in April noted that Gail Walsh's school for dog dancing, Paws2Dance, teaches moves like dog "weaves" around its human 8,000-perso- partner's legs and "backups," in which the dog sets its own paces apart from its partner. Holding the dog's paws and waltzing, as in is apparently tacky and thus never and non-artist- allowed. Now, which one is the brake? (all-ne- Elderly drivers' recent lapses of concentration, confusing the brake pedal with the gas (or however artfully they try to explain what happened): A Citrus Heights, Calif., woman, 81, drove into the ATM lobby of a Wells Fargo bank, injuring a customer (March). A Chicago Heights, Ind., woman in her 80s drove through a Dairy Queen (April). A Burbank, Calif., woman, 88, drove into a post office, injuring two (March). An Indianapolis woman, 90, backed into a McDonald's restaurant, injuring two (April). A Springfield, 111., woman described as "elderly," drove through a delicatessen (March). A San Diego woman, 81, drove her car onto the support wires for a power pole, where it was dangling when police arrived (March). And in a variation, a Mount Pleasant, Pa., funeral home attendant, 73, mistakenly shifted into reverse and fatally struck the owner of the car, who had just turned it over to the man to park (March). Once a ham ... At a March British soccer match between Blackpool and Burnley tsams, greyhound owner Jane Holland was escorting her retired dog Fool's Mile for a presentation when the crowd noise evidently energized the champion racer, who broke away. "When she heard the crowd, she was off," said Holland, and Fool's Mile circled the track four times before being restrained. Said London's Sunday Telegraph, the dog appeared to be reliving her glory days. Visit Chuck Shepherd daily at http;NewsoftheWeird. blogspot.com or www. Newsofthe Weird, com. Send your Weird News to WeirdNewsTipsyahoo.com or P.O. Box 18737, Tampa, FL 33679. HOROSCOPE EUGENIA LAST, SUNDAY, MAY 11, CELEBRITIES BORN ON THIS DAY: Sarah Godshaw, 21; Jonathan Jackson, 26; Natasha Richardson, x 45; Mort Sahl, 81 Happy Birthday: Reconsider the past and you will know what to do to make your future better. It may not be easy to let go or rid yourself of some of the people or places you have in your life but it may be necessary if you want to move forward. Work toward your goals and you will achieve them. Get moving. Your numbers are 11,22, 27,33, 46,48 19): Plan something that will enhance your spirit, looks or your life. Activities that will help you balance your energy, allowing you to blow off steam, will contribute to a clear mind and sound judgment when you need it. 5 stars ARIES (March 20): You may be broadsided by someone you thought was in your comer. A change of plans may take you by surprise. Accept what's going on and you will outmaneuver whoever is at fault. 2 stars TAURUS (April y 20): Get (May together with people who can benefit you: networking, mingling with experienced people and setting up meetings to discuss your ideas. Most of all, be fun to be around and you will gain the support of the people you need on your side. 4 stars GEMINI CANCER (June 21 July 22): An old idea will come into play now, helping you adjust and counteract whatever has been done to upset your world. Someone older or for whom you may be responsible will offer advice that will help you deal with your situation. 3 stars 22): Don't get involved with more than one person or emotional problems will surface. Someone will play games with you so do your own factfinding so you know what you are up against Don't back down until you know you have everything under control. 3 stars LEO (July 22): Don't get depressed, get moving. Gardening, renovations or even buying and selling property should be on your mind. A short trip to view some places of interest will spark your imagination VIRGO (Aug. 2008 and help you make a decision you've been considering for some time. 3 stars t. LIBRA (Sept. 22): Money problems will crop up if you haven't watched your budget closely. A false impression of wealth will mislead you into thinking you can spend more on your home or yourself . However, someone will probably bail you out. 4 stars SCORPIO (Oct. 21): Emotions will run high if things don't get done on time. Try to stay on top of your schedule and don't put up with anyone trying to sell you a bill of goods. Someone has to answer for the delay if things aren't going according to schedule. 2 stars SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 21): You should be on some sort of wild adventure today. Go hiking : or try something you've never done before. Have fun but don't take unnecessary risks. A good ' idea should be developed if only for your own enjoyment. 5 stars 19): An (Dec. opportunity to buy and sell or to get involved in a great investment is apparent. Your stamina and willpower will be difficult to beat. Any challenge you face should be welcome. You can surpass your expectations. 3 stars CAPRICORN (Jan. 18): Getting together with peers or colleagues will help you form a closer bond and allow you to find out more about something you are interested in doing. Invite friends over and your hospitality will ensure that you will receive the help you need. 3 stars AQUARIUS PISCES (Feb. 20): When in doubt back off and wait until you understand the consequences of your actions. Love is on the rise. A money deal or settlement will enable you to move forward with your plans. 3 stars Birthday Baby: You are bright sensitive and creative. You love tradition and are true blue, helpful and generous. Eugenia's Web sites: astroadvice.com for fun, eugenialast.com for confidential consultations Content does matter n rr of our readers have household incomes of $75,000 or more per year Where else would you advertise? www.heraldextra.com |