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Show Sunday, April 20, 2008 HERALD DAILY y TODAY IN HISTORY WW BONE Today is Sunday, April 20, the 111th day of 2008. There are 255 days left in the year. Today's Highlight in History: On April 20, 1999, the Columbine High School massacre took place in Littleton, Colo., as two students, Eric Harris WARNING SOME MATERIAL NOT SUITABLE FOR SERIOUS PEOPLE and Dylan Heboid, shot and killed 12 classmates and one teacher before taking their own lives. On this date: In 1808. Napoleon III, Emperor of the French, was born Get me rewrite! in Paris. This classic Dave Barry column was originally published June 10,2001. The Register-Sphinctewhich kept the community abreast of local politics ("City Council Attacked by Pig") as well as behalf of the national issues ("Strom Thurmond Still Alive"). These were industry (new, motto: "All the family operations run by peoNews That"), I am announcing ple who were less concerned some changes we're making to about making large profits serve you better. than about keeping their body When I say "serve you betparts out of the presses. ter," I mean "increase our But in the past few decades, X all of these newspapers were profits." We newspapers are very big on profits these days. purchased by large corporaWe're a business, just like any tions, which were in turn purother business, except that we chased by larger corporations, and so on, so that today the employ English majors. To help entire American newspaper you better understand our current situation, let's review the The first important financial industry has been glommed history of newspaper finances: advance for newspapers came together into one giant media The earliest known newsin 1451 when Johann Guten-ber- g conglomerate owned by Wall paper, published in 59 B.C in Street, which frankly does not (literally, "Joe Good-berginvented the printing Rome, was called Acta Diurna care what your city council (literally, the Portland Orego-nian- ). press, which made it possible ; did. What Wall Street cares The first issue offered for a newspaper to cheaply about is profits. Here at the and accurately reproduce coverage. of Roman politics newspaper, we get hourly , Ufl years, we've run the same story on fighting in the Middle East ("Middle East Fighting Again"). STAFF CUTBACKS: The typical newspaper staff has been reduced to one editor, one managing editor, 14 assistant managing editors, 39 deputy assistant managing editors, and one reporter. The editors spend their days holding meetings to think of new ways to cut costs, while the reporter (who, for budgetary reasons, is not allowed to leave the building) looks out the window, in case news occurs in the parking lot. r, On I' Dave Barry PRODUCT PLACEMENT: You're going to see more " sentences like this one, from a recent front-pag- e story in The Philadelphia Inquirer: " 'We are seriously considering the use of nuclear weapons ") ti rt to Senate"); science news ("Study Shows Thunder Is Actually Gods Burping"); and an early episode of the comic strip "Nancy," in which Sluggo tries to avoid paying admjssipn to tne Lolosseum by peeking through a knothole, and gets a spear through the eyeball Unfortunately, Acta Diurna was not profitable, because of times. But the real turning point came in 1609, when the publisher of the German newspaper Der , (literally, Grit) invented the IJu "Presidents Day sale," which made modern newspaper advertising possible, and which is still in use today, though nobody has any idea who the "presidents" are. handwritten by slaves (called The newspaper industry "reporters"); if a big story spread to America, where, by the 20th century, virtually evbroke, a huge, hairy man (the "editor") would yell, "Stop the ery town had a locally owned presses!" and whack them with newspaper with a name like a club. The Chronic Prevaricator or ; Charlotte-Mecklenbur- lite "Send more profits!" Wall Street shouts, then slams down the receiver. We must comply, because otherwise Wall Street, would hutdownrthenewsp9perandM we would starve to death, because, as English majors, we have no useful skills. So the "bottom line" is that we've had to cut costs. Here are some of the ways we're doing this: ; In 1 81 2, George Clint on, the fourth vice president of the United States, died in Washington atageJmjng,,;,;,, the first vice president to die while in office. In 1836, Congress voted to establish the Wisconsin Territory. In 1889, Adolf Hitler was born in Braunau am Inn, Austria. In 1945, during World War II, allied forces took control of the German cities of Nuremberg and Stuttgart. In 1968. Pierre Elliott Trudeau was sworn in as prime minister of Canada. In 1971, the Supreme Court, in Swann v. g Board of Education, unanimously upheld the use of busing to achieve racial desegregation in schools. In 1972, the manned lunar Bush, who then took a long sip from a refreshing, Diet Pepsi." FEWER WORDS: Not need adjectives adverbs. Nouns, 1 ice-col- d j verbs can communicate story RECYCLING STORIES; To avoid the expense of writing a new story, we're rerunning earlier ones. For example, every day for the past five 1 gist! ("Middle East fighting.") WEAKER ENDINGS TO COLUMNS. I Dave Barry is a columnist . for the Miami Herald. He is continuing a leave of absence from writing his weekly humor column. Write to him co The Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza, Miami, Fla. 33132. fK ApoHcHG people. Pne, year, ago;, Jhe, ,f amity, ,., of Virginia Tech gunman Seung-Hu- i Cho, who shot and killed 32 people and himself, told The Associated Press they felt "hopeless, helpless and tost," and "never could have envisioned that he was capable of so much violence." A disgruntled contractor, William Phillips, shot, and killed engineer David Beverly at the Johnson Space Center in Houston before barricading himself with a hostage and then killing himself. Today's Birthdays: Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is 88, Actress Nina Foeh is 84. Actor Leslie Phillips is 84. Actor George Takei is 71. Singer Johnny Tillotson is 69. Actor Ryan O'Neal is 67, , . feyfedfaTTOmgfTuSicfifTT on the moon. In 1978, a Korean Air Lines Boeing 707 used to try to stop blockades, harassment and violent'pro-test- s outside clinics.) A Boeing 727 leased to Air France crashed in Bogota, Colombia, killing all 53 people aboard. Five years ago: U.S. Army-force- s took control of Baghdad from the Marines in a changing of the guard that thinned the military presence in the capital. Celebrating Easter, the Rev. Emmanuel Deify, a longtime Iraqi bishop, pleaded for safeguards against the persecution of Christians in the new Iraq. A landslide in southern Kyrgyzstan killed 38 in crash-lande- d Doyle Lawson (Quicksilver) is 64. Rock musician Craig Frost (Grand Funk; Bob Seger's Silver Bullet Band) is 60. Actor XJregory Jtzin is- - northwestern Russia after being fired on by a Soviet .intereptOT;after,eriteringScfcuJ60. ActressJessica Lange is- viet airspace. Two passengers 59. Actor Clint Howard is 49. were killed. Actor Crispin Glover is 44. In 1 988, gunmen who had Country singer Wade Hayes is 39. Actor Shemar Moore hijacked a Kuwait Airways is 38. Rock musician Mikey jumbo jet were allowed safe Welsh is 37. Actress Carmen passage out of Algeria under an agreement that freed the Electra is 36. Reggae singer remaining 31 hostages and Stephen Marley is 36. Rock ended a siege in which musician Marty Crandall two passengers were slain. (The Shins) is 33. Actor Joey Ten years ago: In an unusual Lawrence is 32. use of a racketeering law Thought for Today: "The law that will work is merely designed to fight the mob, a federal jury in Chicago ruled the summing up in legislative that form of the moral judgment protest organizers had used threats and that the community has violence to shut down clinics, Wobdrow reached." Wilson, American president (However, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in February 2003 that federal racketeering and extortion laws were wrongly The Associated Press y 1 anti-aborti- News of the Weird lips, a hamster's whiskers, the neck length of a female peregrine falcon (precisely 5.5 cm), and the proper rosiness of a bat's anus. In March, the Tokyo High Court reversed the conviction of pinup model Serena who had been found guilty of kicking a hole in the door of her former boyfriend's apartment so she could break in and scream at him. Koza-kur- a had appealed, claiming that the man had made the hole himself, and as evidence, explained that she could never have squeezed through it, anyway, because her breasts are too big. That argument apparently won the day, creating enough "reasonable doubt" to overturn the verdict. I Two German air force sergeants were suspended in December after being caught in a side venture selling sausages based on an old family recipe requiring human blood. Their --first batches were made with their own, but as they began Tha arSctnrratcl they had alof their asked Madrid Art colleagues legedly 1(1) Mayor La Mesa, Calif., apologized in because, according to instructions from one of the men's February for an incident the week before when police found grandmothers, all blood must be "fresh." "Do not use too him, along with a female city many breadcrumbs," she had employee, passed out about 10:30 p.m. Madrid was lying written, "but if the blood starts on the sidewalk near an SUV; to curdle, stir in a teaspoon of the woman was in the driver's wine vinegar." I Court documents revealed seat with her legs sticking out in March that federal judge the open door; and vomit liEduar do Robreno had fined ttered the area. (2) A patient reporting for an appointment , New York mortgage banker Aaron Wider and his lawyer with dentist Norman Rubin in Smithtown, N.Y., in March told $29,000 for using variations of the "F word" 73 times (thus, the New York Post that Rubin ofabout $367 per usage) during a was in the otherwise-empt- y contentious deposition he gave with out, fice, passed drooling, a gas mask on his face. (Rubin in a lawsuit brought by GMAC Bank. later told the Post, in defense, I Several psychotherapists that it was, after all, his lunch told The New York Times in hour.) February that treatments are being developed for people The continuing crisis who are excessively worried about their own carbon emisI Dirk Opalka (whose fox sions being responsible for scored 96 of 100 possible points) won best in show at the "global warming." More than 120 therapists are now listed as World Taxidermy Championships in February in Salzburg, specialists in the field on and schools Austria, beating over 100 com& petitors in the art of stretching such as Lewis Clark College in Portland, Ore., have created animal skin over fake bodies so the critters look better than courses on counseling such . they ever looked alive. The at: patients.. tention to detail'was astonish- ing, according to a dispatch in Family values Der Spiegel, on such features I Sheila and Paul Garcia of as a stag's nostrils, a hyena's confidentiality rules man improperly row for 10 years and a probably innocent man in prison for 26, according to news that surfaced in January (in Virginia) and March (in Illinois). Daryl Atkins (sentenced to death in 1997) was the victim of probable prosecutorial misconduct, according to his lawyer, Leslie Smith, who said he witnessed the misconduct but could not report it because a lesser sentence for Atkins would have exposed his own client to greater punishment. In Illinois, Alton Logan was convicted of a murder during a 1982 robbery. However, shortly afterward, Andrew Wilson admitted to his lawyers that he was the murderer, but bar association rules prohibited them from revealing that. When Wilson died in 2007, the lawyers went public, and Logan's case has been reopened. Lawyer a, mass-producin- ' by Chuck Shepherd Northfleet, England, acknowledged to London's Daily Mail in February that they invited their daughter's boyfriend to come live with her in her bedroom, despite the fact that he is 36 and divorced, with one child. The parents said they weren't thrilled with the situation, but that it was preferable to the daughter's running away with the man. Cutting-Edg- e Parenting: (1) Sheriff's deputies in the Orlando area were on the lookout in March for two women who, according to surveillance video from the Magical Car Wash, had pulled into a stall and deposited coins but then proceeded only to scold and then a small child. pressure-was- h (2) Aron Pritchard, 27, was convicted of child endanger-men- t in March in Hutchinson, Kan., after a jury declined to accept his explanation for his girlfriend's kids, age 2 and 3, being burned in a hot clothes dryetvPritchard said sjust trying to show them they could have fun without necessarily spending money he-wa- Least competent criminals I Not Ready for Prime Time: Two boys, 12 and 14, were quickly arrested in Port St. Lucie, Fla., in March when they tried to rob a woman who was working at a counter behind protective glass in an office, by picking up the convenience phone and threatening her, implying that they had a gun. The woman was in no danger because of the protective glass, but besides that, the place they had chosen for the hit was a regional office of the Port St. Lucie police department. (2) Donald Baker, 51, in March in was Peterborough, Ontario, when he called the police department to request a wake-u- p call for his court appearance the next morning; amazed at his audacity, police ran a records check and found an additional arrest warrant on him. (1) Updates Undignified deaths I (1) A Baptist minister was found dead in Clarksville, Tenn., in March after he had tried to pull a goat back into a fenced-i- n area of his property; apparently, the goat had resisted the slip knot, and somehow the animal's jumping had wound the rope around the minister's feet and neck, and he had begun to turn blue by the time his wife found him. (2) The day before that, an man in Lake Hallie, Wis., was killed when he apparently slipped while using a plumber's auger on his septic tank and fell in, head first, eventually drowning. at http:NewsoftheWeird. : NewsoftheWeird.com. Send your Weird News to lalogspottoin-oTvmw- l News of the Weird cited a police report last May that an unidentified man in Guelph, WeirdNewsTipsyahoo.com Ontario, had committed at least or P.O. Box 18737, Tampa, FL 33679. three incidents of approach True Colors Show Your news, chat, forums, photos & at 2ailtifiHcr www.heraldextru.com ing women and asking to be kicked in the groin. After seven such incidents, Jarrett Loft, 28, pleaded guilty in March 2008 to one count and was sentenced to 60 days in jail. Loft offered no explanation for his behavior, other than that he was "curious." One victim, saying that she feared what Loft might do if she refused, repeatedly kicked him between the legs, after which he thanked her and rode off on his bicycle. Good Friday in the Philippines town of San Pedro Cutud has meant, for over 20 years, that two dozen men will line up to be nailed to a wooden cross for a few minutes each to mark their penitence for sins of the previous year (although this year, the government issued an advisory recommending getting tetanus shots and using only sterile nails). Ruben Enaje, 47, was first in line once again (the 22nd time in 23 years that he has beertcrucihed) andont again, screamed in agony for nails five minutes at the driven into both palms and both feet while he lay on the cross. Before the crucifixions, dozens of other men punished themselves by whipping their backs bloody, using bamboo rods. Visit Chuck Shepherd daily IT free sports (1856-1924- ). HOROSCOPE EUGENIA CELEBRITIES LAST, SUNDAY, BORN ON THIS Joey Lawrence, 32; , Carmen Electra, 35; Jessica Lange, 59; Ryan O'Neal, 67 Happy Birthday: If you haven't made the changes you should have the past year, rethink your strategy to make up for lost time. Don't overspend or overdo but rather put your plans into motion for next year, when your timing will be better. For now, it's a time of learning and preparation. Your numbers are 5; 17, 21,30,34,49 DAY: ARIES (March 19): Don't give up because things seem overwhelming. Instead, plug away at what needs to be done and you will gain respect d confidence and get ahea-din the end. The realization that you have morep offer will help you make better choices in the future. 3 stars TAURUS (April 20-M- 20): Greater involvement in a partnership will help you establish a better position. You can learn from people with experience and make changes that will lead to respect. The possibilities are endless. 3 stars GEMINI (May 20): Someone you are trying to work with or do business with will withhold inf orma-tioYou have to go above and beyond the call of duty to stay on top of things and get ahead today. Don't give in to someone who is asking for too much. 3 stars CANCER (June 22): Use your clout, ingenuity and fabulous memory to make the changes necessary to establish a favorable position. Someone you have done favors for in the past will help you out now if you ask. Take care of emotional issues. 5 stars 20, 2008 APRIL cially. 4 stars LIBRA (Sept. 22): It t. may not be a regular workday but what you can accomplish will be well worth your efforts. Develop your ideas and you will see the financial possibilities open up for you. There is plenty to gain if you establish what you have to offer, 3 stars SCORPIO (Oct. 21): Emotional issues will arise and should be taken care of quickly, if you want to get anything else done today. Keep things on the straight and narrow; any deviation from the truth to someone's uncertainty of your abilities. 3 stars will lead SAGITTARIUS (Nov. e will al- An idea low you to help others while helping yourself. An older 21): relative may burden you with taxing responsibilities. If you aren't careful, mishaps will lead to delays. Love is in the picture. 3 stars CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Ja- Make your position clear and you will have no problem establishing what needs to be done. A trip will turn out to be emotionally draining. Avoid anyone who puts pressure on you to do something you haven't got time for. 2 19): 18): AQUARIUS (Jan. Go over your important papers and you can see where you stand financially. A good idea regarding a pending settlement or deal will come to mind. Don't let others talk you into something you don't feel is right or good for you. 5 stars , PISCES (Feb. 20): Behind the scenes activity will allow you to see things from a different perspective. A change may be required in order to move on. Someone will tempt you to put things will offer you something you that have to be done on the back burner. Be careful not to cannot refuse if you take part upset someofie"wnoToufitsorr In an activity that benefits oth-er3 stars you. Arguments are likely to Birthday Baby: You have erupt if you neglect responsitremendous resilience and bilities. 2 stars fortitude and the strength of VIRGO (Aug. 22): character to take on whatever You will pick up interesting comes your way. You are information regarding different lifestyles or traditions. strong, passionate and persistent. Learn from what you experience and implement what you can into your own life. You Eugenia's Web sites: astroadvice.com for can establish your position with someone by what you fun, eugenialast.com for offer emotionally, not finan confidential consultations LEO (July -- you-hav- 22): Love UtuhQHinty'i PREMIER; local sports covomue www.heraldextra.com !SailKtrral s. |