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Show Sunif,'), Wju'i 0 2. A I I Y H R A tD CJ TODAY IN HISTORY F mkw Mm NJ I 1 Nil M JUL M 1 WARNING: SOME MATERIAL NOT SUITABLE FOR SERIOUS PEOPLE Thumbs up from body parts beat This classic Dave Barry column was originally published You're free to go. Anyway, the positive side Feb. 11,2001. of the Mashantucket case is that the police got the box of out the cocktail corneas back before it wound and settle back for a up being sold on the black market, perhaps to some guy who "read," because it's time for our fun feature, thought he was getting stolen , lobsters, which he intended to "Body Parts Making the News." Our first body part is feause to impress a hot date: HOT DATE: What 's in the tured in an article from the Sebox? attle Times, written by Ian Ith .. OrGUY: A little something I (yes, "Ian Ith") and sent in by alert medically trained reader picked up for dinner! HOT DATE (openChristine Robertson, M.D. The article states that a janitor at ing the box): Let me seeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! a Bellevue, Wash., apartment GUY: For dessert, we're havcomplex saw "crows pecking at something" in the parking thumb and wander off, chewing thumb! Our final story in Body Parts lot; he shooed the crows away, ing the bagel. In any event, the janitor, and saw what they had been Making the News comes from Cairns, Australia. Workers pecking on: a human thumb. having found what was clearly at a seafood wholesaler there lever. a human body part, elected the Nobody knows how the called the Fine Kettle 0' Fish But it turned out that the thumb got there. One possibilto handle this sit uation by corneas were inside a plastic ity, of course, is that it was (yes, the "Fine Kettle 0' Fish") Crimestoppers, take note had cut open the stomach of a foam box, which belonged to originally an entire human, and. throwing the thumb into a accordthe crows pecked away evcod, when Dumpster, Later on, according a medical transplant bank, in sent "casuhad a but Times he to which and been stolen which to the the article, ing thumb, newspaper report erything in by many alert readers "a Boston. In a news article the ally mentioned" the incident they were saving for dessert, human head rolled out." Another possibility is that to a manager. The manager following day, the police are I would explain how this called the police, who searched quoted as saying that the man this situation was caused by the Dumpster but did not find a bagel. As a species, bagels happened, but I'm out of space charged with stealing the corhere. Let me just conclude by have survived for thousands neas claimed that "he thought the thumb, which apparently of years by developing highly had been taken by the crows, they were lobsters." reassuring you that there was In legal circles, this is known a perfectly simple explanation, or had somehow managed to effective defenses against beand it had nothing to do with as "the lobster defense." You flee on foot. The thumb is still ing sliced. Many people try see it often in criminal cases at large, so be on the lookout to overcome these defenses bagels. So be careful. for it. The article describes it as because it is so effective: by grasping the bagel with JUDGE: You are charged and I am not making one hand and using the other ' being Dave Barry is a columnist "in good shape with kidnapping and robbing hand to attack the bagel with a up this quote for the Miami Herald. He sharp knife the size of a canoe except for a few peck marks." these people at gunpoint. What is continuing a leave of do you have to say for your Our next item in Body Parts absence from writing his paddle. A person could definitely lose a thumb this way, weekly humor column. Write Making the News comes from self? DEFENDANT: Your honor, I to him co The Miami Herald, a story in the Norwich (Conn.) although it's hard to believe Onr Herald Plaza, Miami, that even a really hungry perBulletin, written by Robert thought they were lobsters. JUDGE: Well, OK, then. Fm. 33132. son would simply abandon the LeBIanc and sent in by alert Get Dave Barry reader Carol Murk ett. The article is datelined Mashantucket (yes, "Mashantucket"), Conn,, and begins with this riveting sentence: "A Massachusetts man was arrested Friday at Foxwoods Resort Casino and charged with stealing two human corneas." The obvious question raised by that sentence is: Were the human corneas attached to an actual human at the time of the theft? This is not out of the question. Remember, this occurred at a casino: I have seen casino patrons so deeply engrossed in losing money that they would not notice if you amputated a good 75 percent of their limbs, as long as you left them one arm for yanking I inlay is Sitiulav. March 2... livktxl Sw it Tt land Nv.imo the 62nd day of L'lHiS. I hero the In si I iii M'aii country to win the Ann-rare M)4 davs lott m the year. ,i's Cup as Today's Highlight in History: Almghi swept loam New ZeaOn March 2, 1958, a multinaland in live races, tional expedition led by British One year ago: A charter bus geologist and explorer Vivcarrying a college baseball ian Fuchs completed the first team from lilultion University in Ohio plunged. off an Atlanta overland crossing of Antarctica by way of the South highw ay ramp and slammed in 99 days. into the pavement' below, On this date: killing seven people. Army In 1793, the first president Secretary Francis J, larvey of the Republic of Texas. Sam resigned following a scandal over substandard conditions Houston, was born near Lexfor wounded Iraq soldiers at ington. Va. In 1836, the Republic of Walter Reed Army Medical Center. The bodies of 14 kidTexas formally declared its napped policemen were found independence from Mexico. In 1877, Republican Ruthnortheast of Baghdad. Anna erford B. Hayes was declared Nicole Sunt b was buried in t he Bahamas following a lavish the winner of the 1876 presimemorial service. dential election over Democrat Samuel J.Tilden, even Today's Birthdays: Actress Jennifer Jones is 89. Bluegrass though Tilden had won the Doc Watson popular vote. is 85. Actor John Cullum is 78. In 1899, Mount Rainier Author Tom Wolle is 78. National Park in Washington President Mikhail state was established. In 1917, Puerto Ricans were S. Gorbachev is 77. Actress Barbara Luna is 69. Actor granted U.S. citizenship as Jon Finch is 67. Author John President Wilson signed the h Act. Irving is 66. Singer Lou Reed is 66. Actress Cassie Yates is In 1933, the motion picture 57. Actress Lataine Newman "King Kong" had its world is 56, Sen. Russell Feingold, in New York. premiere is 55. Singer Jay OsIn 1939, Roman Catholic-Cardina-l mond is 53. Pop musician John Eugenio Pacelli was Cowsill (The Cowsills) is 52. elected Pope on his 63rd birthTennis player Kevin Curren day; he took the name Pius is 50. Country singer Larry XII. In 1943, the World War II Stewart (Restless Heart) is 49. Rock singer Jon Bon Jovi Battle of the Bismarck Sea is 46., Blues began; U.S. and Australian warplanes were able to inflict Alvin Youngblood Hart is 45. Actor Daniel Craig is 40. Rock heavy damage on a Japanese musician Casey (Jimmie's, convoy. In 1965, the movie version Chicken Shack) is 32. Rock of Rodgers and Hammer-stein'- s singer Chris Martin (Cold-play- ) is 31, Actress Heather musical "The Sound of Music" had its world premiere McComb is .31. Actress Bryce at New York's Rivoli Theater. Dallas Howard is 27. Actor Robert Her ("The Sopranos") In 1977, the U.S. House of llo 1 singer-musicia- Jones-Shafrot- : . singer-musicia- Representatives adopted a divorce of Anton Popa-- : and his wife, Nataliya, about to go through, but the couple are still contractu- ally committed to the Moscow " State Circus, where their act includes Nataliya's shooting an apple off of Anton's head with a crossbow. The Times of London asked Anton during a show in Sheffield, England, in February whether he was afraid. "I still trust her because Nataliya is very professional," he said. "(T)he show must go on." The Can't possibly be true -Two Park Vista High School girls who admitted that they swiped money off the table of a Girl Scout selling cookies at a supermarket in ; Boynton Beach, Fla., in Janu- later that , ary told WPBF-Tthey had no remorse. Said one (on camera): "We went through all that effort to get (the money). We got all these charges (against us), and we had to give the money back. I'm kind of pissed." Added the other, "I'm not sorry. I'm just pissed that I got caught." The victim's mother said that the girls returned to the supermarket the next day and taunted the little girl. I In February, a court in Dubai, United Arab Emirates, sentenced Briton Keith Brown, 43, to the standard four-yea- r minimum term in prison for violating the country's extreme "zero tolerance" drug laws, even though the only drug found was a "speck" (0.003 grams) of cannabis caught in the tread of his shoe and discovered only because the Dubai airport uses ; or to her husband. Once, said the husband, he came home unexpectedly about 9 a.m. and found the bedroom door locked and a struggle occurring inside (hearing "Get off me!" and "You're hurting me!"). After the husband pounded on the door, Chamberlin walked out, leaving the wife "crying hysterically and trembling." However, the husband said that his wife declined to explain the situation and that he didn't question her (not wanting to upset her further, since she had recently had surgery). Inexplicable Hn January, Deny, N.H., Town Administrator Gary Stenhouse told Thomas Souhlaris that he'd have to move his sausage stand because he was trespassing on city property. Souhlaris had set up the stand at the town's garbage transfer station, and Stenhouse said there might be municipal liability issues, if other food vendors followed Souhlaris and set up stands at the dump. I In January, Shafkat Munir, 26, was sentenced to 12 months in jail for an attempted hoax in Lancashire County, England, in 2007 after receiving three speeding tickets. Rather than pay the fines, totaling the equivalent of about $350 (and retain his license, since his record was otherwise clean), Munir created his own death certificate to get the charges dismissed. Said an official, "I have never known anyone to go to such lengths (over speeding tickets)." The judge also revoked Munir's license. I Arrested and awaiting trial for murder: Bobby Wayne Ledbetter, Northport, Ala. (February); Michael Wayne Adams, Fairfax County, Va. (February); David Wayne Cole, West Nottingham, Pa. (October). Confessed to murder: Calvin Wayne Inman, Houston (February). Sentenced for murder: Jerrell Wayne Stanley, Orange, Texas (October). Executed for murder: Michael Wayne Richard, Huntsville, Texas (September). Already serving time for other crimes but expected to be charged with as many as nine murders based on recent DNA evidence: Timothy Wayne Krajcir, Cape Girardeau, Mo, (January). endorsed Secretary-Genera- l Kofi Annan's deal to open Iraq's presidential palaces to -- Names in the news ) Arrested in October for vehicular assault in Tacoma, Wash, (after which he told a police officer that he had "definitely had a few"): Mr. Glen Alan Casebeer. The victim of a vehicular assault in McMinn County, Tenn., in January (in which his wife allegedly tried to run him over): Mr. King Money Tarzan Jenkins. Arrested for DUI near Burleson, Texas, in January (after crashing into a house): Mr. Bryan Scott Moron. Falsely accused of kidnapping a girl in Oshkosh, Wis., in November: a previously convicted sex offender, Mr. Pheuk Kue. Creme de la weird I In February, on "signing day," when hundreds of highly n sophisticated Unclear on the concept recruited high school football players announced which col- -' equipment. Previously, a CanaOn Nov. 30, for a social dian man was imprisoned for leges they would attend, linejustice project at Cheektowaga man Kevin Hart of Fernley "possession" of three poppy seeds (from .a bread roll he had Central High School (Buffalo, (Nev.) High School met local eaten at Heathrow Airport in N.Y.), students spent an reporters with his coach at his side and dramatically chose night in cardboard boxes London) that had fallen into his on the school's lawn, in supthe University of California clothing as he prepared for a posed solidarity with the area's over the University of Oregon. flight to Dubai. homeless population. AccordHowever, when the reporters I Roy Chamberlin, 29, called those colleges' coaches has been charged with 1,100 ing to a Buffalo News report, the suffering students brought for reactions, they learned that criminal counts in connection Hart had not been meaningwith what Pennsylvania police DVD players to watch movies inside their boxes, ate donated fully recruited by either school, said was a series of nearly or any other prominent one. Dunkin' Donuts and pizzas, 200 rapes against a married and ducked into the school's Hart explained two days later woman in Potter Township hearhis that he passionately wanted to court heated whenever first had got gym they (and too cold or bored. play at a major school and that ing in January). According to when no offer came, "I made the police report, the woman said she was too terrified ever up what I wanted to be reality." Hart did not elaborate on to report the crimes to police drug-detectio- 1 Thought for Today: "Be who you are and say what you feel, 'cause people who mind don't matter, and people who mat-- , ter don't mind." Theodor Seuss Geisel (aka "Dr. Seuss"), arms inspectors. American children's author Five years ago: Iraq crushed (born this day, 1904; died another six Al Samoud II ,1991). missiles, as ordered by U.N. The Associated Press weapons inspectors. Land- - HOROSCOPE what conceivably useful outcome he could have expected from the ruse. EUGENIA LAST, SUNDAY, MARCH CELEBRITIES ; n is 23. strict code of ethics. Ten years ago: The UN. Security Council unanimously News of the Weird by Chuck Shepherd The classic middle name (all new) n When these people vote, theirs count as much as yours BORN ON THIS Chris Martin, 31; Jon Bon Jovi, 46; Lou Reed, 66; Mikhail Gorbachev, 77 Happy Birthday: This Can be your year.to excel. Productivity will not be a problem nor will getting the help you require. This is a great year to expand your ideas and to grow into the position and place you have been striving to reach. Control will be yours as long as you want it. Your numbers are 12, 15, 22, DAY: I During the media hoopla on Feb. 5, about that day's "Super Tuesday" "national ; primary" for president, enthusiastic voters called election offices for the addresses of their polling places so they could run down and vote: 400 called in Virginia (but its primary would be the following week); 1,000 called in Dallas (its primary would be a month later); ."hundreds" called in Florida (its primary was the week before). At least six people were lined up to vote by 6:30 a.m. at one precinct in Milwaukee (Wisconsin's primary would be two weeks later). Recurring themes 29,-35,- ARIES (March 19): Don't count on anyone who offers to do something f or nothing. Someone from your past may try to cause problems for you again. Don't get involved with anyone who wants to keep secrets or spread rumors. Use your ies charm. 2 stars TAURUS It's not quite the 2006 News of the Weird story of the Broward kindergarten-bound County, Fla., boy diagnosed with gender identity disorder at age 5, but there will appar- ently still be steep problems for parents, teachers and students in Highlands Ranch, Colo., when a second-grad- e boy soon enters third grade as a girl. One student's parent said there'll surely be an issue of, "Why are you in a dress this year when you were in pants last year?" Among the school's problems: building unisex restrooms and preventing bullying. Thinning the herd IA man fell to his death while trying to slide down a banister in the Hollywood & Highland Center mall in Los Angeles in January. And three more people died recently as a result of disrespecting railroad tracks: a man, hit by a train on tracks near Burlington, 111., while listening to his iPod (September); a man, hit by a train in Berkeley, Calif., while talking on his cell phone (November); and another man, hit by a train in San Leandro, Calif., also while on his cell phone (December). Visit Chuck Shepherd daily at http:NewsoftheWeird. blogspot.com. (April Ar- 20): y You need to get out and visit good friends and relatives or perhaps someone from your past whom you miss. Get in touch with your true feelings and make some decisions about your future. Get rid of what holds you back. 5 stars GEMINI (May 20): Put time and effort into your 2, 2008 ting what you deserve. Someone from your past will help you. 5 stars LIBRA (Sept. 22): It's your turn to have some fun. Set up a spa day, travel somewhere unique or attend something that interests you. You will face adversity and complaints if you stick around the house. Emotional blackmail can be expected. 2 stars t. : SCORPIO (Oct. 21): An emotional message will get you back on track. A serious look at what you are ' trying to do will enable you to make some last minute changes that will alter your future. Making changes to your home may not be well received but will turn out to be beneficial. 4 stars SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 21): A problem with personal paperwork or trying to travel can be expected. Delays, plans being disrupted or unexpected conditions will surface. Don't be daunted. A little charm and thiilgs will turn in your favor. 3 stars CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-JaMoney is in the picture and a chance to try some19): thing altogether different will spark your imagination and your enthusiasm. Emotional matters can be handled with ease if you aren't shy. A deal can be made. 3 stars surroundings. Your place can be turned into something spectacula" with a little ingenuity and hard work. Money will be offered to you or a re18): AQUARIUS (Jan. bate will help you accomplish It's the ability to be fair and to allow the people in your your goals. 3 stars CANCER (June 21 July 22): life the freedom to live that Don't sit idle when so much is will lead to a better home happening around you. Love environment. A commitment is in the stars and partnercan be made and a personal "proposal put into place. Folships that will change your life are apparent. You can low your heart. 3 stars PISCES (Feb. stabilize your personal life 20): by making a further comRely on others to help you out. mitment or doing something Your ability to work hard and practical to enhance or renew to take direction will impress the people who can influence your feelings. 3 stars LEO (July a position you want to obtain. 22): It . Dedication, determination may not be a regular workand desire are all you need to day but if you think about ways to'get ahead or you put achieve. 4 stars some of your, ideas into a proBirthday Baby: You are a mastermind and a free thinkposal, you will be that much closer to acquiring your er with the drive, will power and the determination to sucgoals. Hard work wjll pay off. 3 stars ceed. You are a humanitarian VIRGO (Aug. 22): and a loyal friend. Everything you dreamed you wanted could be yours. Don't Eugenia's Web sites: astroadvice.comor shy away from change or refuse to make things happen fun, eugenialast.com for when you are so close to get confidential consultations 20-Fe- -- t. Website for News and Information in Central Utah. MHViid It f if i"i rirflT iiif fflr iff rf ftl Tri nt tIV nrf tr T TT n 1 ifi nrw'iiiiiil tfl ir nil iff imliid lYmif nil In |