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Show Page A16 THE DAILY HKRALD, (www.herdldextra.eom). Provo, Utah, Sunday, March 26, 2000 Baby leaves no tiine for politics share with you my thoughts on the presidential campaign. Unfortunately, I don't have any, because my wife and I because the next morning, I carried Sophie over to the THE MIAMI HERALD window, and we looked out, and I told her that this was the world, and she should not get involved with it. had a baby. just I also told her that our policy The birth went very well from my perspi ctive, which regarding boys was that she would never be allowed to date was the perspet tive of a person or look directly at them. I keeping an eye on the contractions via a hospital bedside could tell by her facial expression that she understood me monitor. computer My wife, who was experiencing the concompletely. Although it might Dave Barry also have been gas. tractions in person, found it So now we're in that mode more challenging, although I do to determine the gender know she appreciated my helpyou parents know the mode ahead of time; I think they ful reports: I'm talking about where you insert a tiny photo of Leonardo don't ME (watching. the monitor): much, and you find sleep DiCaprio into the uterus, and OK, you're having a contracyourself celebrating a baby the baby punches it, it's a if tion now. poop the way the French cele- boy. We had not had this test MICHELLE: brated the liberation of Paris, done. We had, however, heard ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHII and you walk around the . many strong opinions from ME: It looks like a big one. house at 4:30 a.m. with the total strangers. For some reaMICHELLE: baby on your shoulder, trying son, total strangers feel comto remember the words to lullpelled to do two things whenabies. ("And if that Billy goat ever they see a pregnant don't shed, papa's gonna buy woman: .you... a squirrel named Ed.") 1. Touch her belly, as though OOOOO My point is that lately I The contractions went on for her navel were an elevator haven't had time to follow the button; and what seemed like two years, presidential campaign, or to 2. Look her over, the way although it was really only: assess the current crop of can state-fai- r judges examine a about 14 months. In theory. chelates. I'm sure they're all cow, then loudly declare the the baby was supposed to be fine men. But they're not getbaby's gender. headed toward the exit at that ting near my daughter. There was absolutely no point, but this particular baby doubt in anybody's mind that seemed to like it in there. This Dave Barry is a humor a this viciniin baby was a boy. During the baby was still up columnist for the Miami the pregnancy, at least 600 ty of Michelle's sinus cavities. Herald. Write to him co The total strangers assured us of So with month 15 of labor Miami Herald, One Herald this fact, NOBODY thought it looming, the doctors decided to Plaza, Miami FL 33132. The remove the baby v.ia Caesarian was a girl. So you will not be ' Dave camBarry ' surprised to learn that when ' section, a medical procedure needs Checkout you! paign the moment came, the doctors named for the Roman emperor Dave's Web site at www.her-ald.coreached in and pulled out 7 Julius Section. They put up a davebarry for secret pounds, 9 ounces of Sophie curtain, with Michelle's head orders. ' Kaufman Barry. ' on one side and the rest of her As a traiBed journalist, I body on the other. Michelle can state withotal objectivity and I both stayed on the head that she is the cutest little girl side, so we saw nothing; the in the history of the world. The doctors could have been over there grafting on extra legs "or doctors took one look at her and immediately decided that replacing Michelle's spleen with a harmonica, and we they would shut down the hoswould have had no way of pital birthing unit, because " this baby was so perfect that knowing. ,' there was clearly no point in Finally, the doctors shouted "Stand up, Dad!" This was my making any more. OK; they didn't say that, but signal to stand up, look over the screen, and pass out. they agreed, under intensive -No, seriously, I managed to interrogation from the father, remain conscious, because I that the baby was pretty was dying to know the baby's darned cute. She is also, of a can course, very gifted. I know this gender. There's test they Today, I'd like to : ' - 75 1 $ VI m yi 250 FREE WEEKEND MINUTES 500 anytime minutes $0 " 99 per month 500 FREE WEEKEND MINUTES V 800 I MSRP $69.95 iale dtaount $40.00 MSRP iah you pay $29.95 .. v.. IQ99 J? per month 1 , . 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