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Show THE DAILY UTAH CHRONIC M, Tuesday, April 1, 2003 i f - y ' - ! '. 5 -- - - ' -. . r;:- . . V '4'--- ' tf &r - , f. i . :y - I1 - N 1 i .' J . .AfV President Bernie Machen was not amused by the recent remarks of Utah State U Attorney General Mark Shurtleff particularly when he accused Machen of being "A b 'cause he don't like guns." "Yeah. Is he scared, or something?" said Senate Majority Leader Michael Waddoups, who has sponsored legislation in favor of policy. overturning the U's n Machen called a meeting with Shurtleff and Waddoups at Machen's residence to "discuss some details pertaining to the concealed weapons on campus debate," according to U Assistant Vice President Fred no-gu- last-minu- te Esplin. However, Machen greeted Shurtleff and Local Sfudei Mill ers INED A. LYFE Chronic Asst. News Editor Waddoups by promptly bombarding them with a barrage of pillows. "I told them to stop screwing with me...Now I'll show them who really has the big guns," said Machen, flexing his muscles to a crowd of two people, including a Chronic writer and photographer. The meeting was supposed to be closed-doo- r, but The Chronic sneaked in through an window. open Nobody seemed to care. Luckily for Shurtleff, he was packing heat and proceeded to "pull out my gat up in this b." It ended up being a water gun, and only made Machen wet and angrier. The men Waddoups and Shurtleff against Machen began fighting each other with pillows, vowing to only stop if the other side i would concede. Two and a half minutes later, the fighting stopped due to exhaustion. After a few minutes, the three tried to use diplomacy to further their discussion. "Why don't we just allow for the concealment of weapons on campus?" Shurtleff asked. "Why don't we just allow for the concealment of your ugly face?" Machen retorted. Then they fought some more. Machen, who has been opposed to allowing guns on campus, says that a university is an arena for free speech, and academic freedom would be compromised with guns on campus. Shurtleff says it doesn't matter whether you're on a campus or not. "If you have a stupid idea, you deserve to e shot," Shurtleff argued. Esr"sa it Inesfigates rs II l n r"3SE4 H 1 B'l 1 pvsmmsssm M ts 7 Ph0iiom8!io CELESTE BLAHNIK Chronic Staff Writer LUMP E. POTTYCHUNKS With the year drawing to an end, student body president Bill Edwards has decided to replace meetings with U President Bernie Machen with student is quesattempting to answer the age-ol- d tion: Why does our poop have corn in it? Indeed, this has been a question that has entered the mind of us all at one point or another, and someone is finally doing something about it. Peter Ventura, 17, of West High School, is the man who could revolutionize the way we think about our poop. "Well, I was really bored the other day, sitting on the toilet taking a wicked dump," Ventura said. "I got up and, just as I was about to flush, something small and yellow caught the corner of my eye. I looked down and there it was: a piece of corn. Stuck in the middle of my poop. Of course, this had happened to me plenty of times before. But it really hit me hard this time-w- hy was the corn in the poop? Why didn't it become poop just like the rest of the food I ate? What was so special about corn that it stood out from all the other poop? These were the ques- - late-nig- ht stripteases. want to do things I'm better at," said Edwards of his new job. "Lap "I dances are definitely my forte." Edwards adds that he ultimately wants to be an official calendar boy for Chippendales. "People think that I'd be treated like a piece of meat, but I don't mind. It's flattering to think women want my bod," Edwards said. Edwards starts his position as the stripper at Club X on April 15, but is providing free entertainment for all hose interested. Monday-night-impr- Those wanting Edwards' services can contact him in his Associated Students of the University of Utah's office, which is converted into a personal pleasure land for his costumcrs. He adds that he has been preparing for his new job for months. "I've been dancing for years," Edwards said. "But lately I've been practicing with my girls in the office." Edwards' expertise includes character-stripteasof which lap-danc- see CORNY POOP, page 7 a Machen was also annoyed by Waddoups' fe continuous attempts to pass legislation against the U's current policy. "Do you have to be so annoying? Machen asked. "Yes," Waddoups replied. When asked why Machen chose to ambush Shurtleff and Waddoups, Esplin issued the following statement: But we just "We're all about wanted to end this issue with as much violence as possible," he said. The fight ended in a draw. According to Machen, he would have loved to have really "pulled out a can of whoop-ass- " on his opponents. Unfortunately, U policy doesn't allow it, he non-violenc- e. said. ilYfechronic.lit.utah.edu a Corn-in-Pr- o A Salt Lake high school m Bill Edwards to Take up New Career as H Chronic Staff Writer J lt - 1. Q00 e, 5 Texan Cowboy is his favorite, and the classic pole dance. ASUU Vice President Randall Lloyd said that Edwards rehearses nonstop and says that he feels Edwards has finally found his calling. "The guy would just pull out the moves in the middle of meetings. It got really embarrassing. At least now he has a place to dance instead of on my desk," Lloyd said. Edwards says that he would eventually like to move his way up the striptease ladder and pose nude in magazines. "I know I studied accounting, but my heart is in exotic dancing. The way if makes me feel after I finish is amazing. I feel like I could really go far in this world," Edwards said. Heidi Spilker. ASUU chief of staff, says she and fellow workers personally helped "him get into his groove." "I don't mind being a I've never been on a power trip and besides, I'd rather please a crowd that do anything else anyway," Edwards said. Edwards offers his services for luncheons, formal dinners and birthday parties. "I'm going to be famous one day, you just wait and see," Edwards said. cblahnik chronic, lit. utah. edu NT' , b. ASUU president gets down with his bad self. |
