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Show Eat our Freedom Fries With "'tfill .smiii "u if Righteous Indignation Tela j""1 fvcm i 1 f s - . ; " M i 1' 1 : i f ... fat-frie- d Come in early for the COMPLETE 3 ' A ... 1 cat-rapin- French-Americ- Rsntsl Demo only American fromage and wash it down with good, American wine. (I like the watermelon-flavore- d kind.) This ingenious counter-measur- e g to French comes straight outta North Carolina, which is basically the center of American intellectual-ism- . It was in a North Carolina diner where the greatest patriot in American history put stickers over any mention of the word "French" in their menu. Wow, stickers. We at RED suggest you support d this state by takand up smoking ing wearing nylon NASCAR caps. Vive la North Carolina and Vive la Guerre! cfroeh lich chron icle. utah.edu The United States, of course, saved France's derriere in World War II back in the 1920s. Don't you people remember your history? You'd be speaking Russian if it wasn't for us. The only thing they ever gave us was the dumb, stupid Statue of Liberty. When is the cy? Never. We have plenty of food named after America, such as American Cheese. Yes, that tasteless orange-huecongealed vegetable-oil- , slice of heaven in cellophane is ioo percent U.S. of A. We at RED French people. We only fault their government and their stupid-as- s poodles for daring to challenge our beloved leader with that tired logic of "You can't just bomb people for no good reason." Well, perhaps we'd listen if you didn't talk out of your nose, you d, d, - : i t ' f r i a"t I S i i t SMCMSHOES y H n fi fil AJI c? HELL ; .n f V PADDLE Ski Tools AvsSancha Safety Gear v FESTIVAL ALL ON SALE , 8AIT UU(1 CfTT, VTAM ft ems SaJe Limited To DOORS OPEN AT 9:00 A.M. Stock on Hand 702 i- II E 1 SiJ 1 00 S Salt Lake City 801 www.weiatchtoufing.com 59-9361 I s'" 1 -i JJ ifr.fi Ti1iiill . 4V)j) filial (Clili s;U;ir ;in-Ik- May 31 & June 1 WEBER RIVER Hats Poles G!ove 1 ((D(p5 j . 30-5- 0, i """" "Kn" H(itc Uxrmol ArcTwyx Patagonia Down and Raac U ! 99 Rtmsining TOPS & WIND PANTS Ktn Nardwara fJ N 1 i El n I Fischer Salomon Skis Boots Bindings Ot? 0 ca d COMPLETE XC Ski Packaga 1 often-maligne- might throw a fervent, "Cheese Out" and eat pro-Ameri- ATLAS snd TUBES peace-mongerin- last time that thing ever stood as beacon of freedom and democra- - 4mm is v an Pepe le Peus. g V t. U.S. citizen is being hauled off to an Internlegal ment camp to maintain the "freedom" In our fries, kisses and ticklers. This 1 r V. rs it F3 Metal Edge BC Ski Package ' 1 g, it paaMB I I I x Fi nn n test selection! Magazine firmly in with brave the allegiance members of Congress who ordered the word "French" stricken from all House cafeteria menus. In troubled times, the United States cannot afford to honor the traitorous French by linking them to strips of potato. We offer a big, slobbering Freedom Kiss to the public servants with the gumption to give hell to those Frogs. La Fagues" are And the "Fi-obviously smarting from the public slight: "Honestly. We are working these days on very, very serious issues of war and peace, life or death. We are not working on potatoes," French spokeswoman Nathalie Loiseau said. Ouch! How does that taste, Pierre? We aren't going to stop at Freedom Fries either. "From now on I will only pleasure my women with FREEDOM ticklers," RED editor Jeremy Mathews pledged, "and no longer will I pretend to like French films. God, I hope Ingmar Bergman is French." Editor's note: Jeremy knows Bergman is one of the best directors of all time. "And I will pronounce the 't' in Chevrolet," some guy we were otherwise ignoring said. Of course, we hold no ill will against the t" P"? ipWWk ) 4.3 editorial staff of RED Ephe 1 stands over-sexe- jjfWWj Demo & New Backcountry and Cross Country Gear on Sale!! Froehlich cologne-instead-of-showe- f STARTS AT 9:00 AM, SATURDAY, MARCH 15 - Ail chain-smokin- P,esJ (1 J ' . 0& 1 f abandonee AT e KC t o!fe.j illlV RED Magazine march 13, 2003 R3 |