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Show The Daily Utah Chronicle OPINION Friday, March 12, 1999 Shawn Parker Bailey, Opinion Editor: editorchronicle.utah.edu "ifid March Madness Rules Ti ndb this is the first and only I time all year that you JL will read something this controversial in The Daily Utah Chronicle. We know, we know, you're not used to this, but take a deep breath and read ahead any- Am' - ij J .' 1 iaig. vsiiv orr IT QfeCK M Bubs. ifAt uBc Jom ML- - Just J ntu it our. - v J1 I way. Here goes. DON'T GO TO CLASS TODAY! Yes, you read correctly. Skip your anatomy class, or english class, or chemistry class and join in America's favorite pastime. Watch TV. It's March Madness. The Utes play at 10:30 a.m. What are you doing? If you say meeting a study group or sitting through another lecture from some stiff of a professor who wouldn't know a basketball from a tortilla, then grow entertaining, p. What's better than sitting around the tube with a bunch of buddies, picking teams and screaming your head off after every made bucket? Certainly not a discussion group about the history of the class system in Europe. If you want to make the tournament experience that much better, the Chronicle has one more suggestion for you. If you didn't join an office pool, especially the underground money circuit run by a certain student publication, then grow up. Office pools are the greatest form of gambling. We're willing to bet that every police station in Utah fills out brackets and takes money officers. from To recap will only take a couple of words: Skip class, watch hoops. Any questions? law-abidi- ut debauchery. Let the hedonist inside possess your very nature and hold all your morals in contempt. This is a week to let the shackles of Utah fall to the dust as you get freaky, get loose and, most importantly, get down. If prostitutes arc your forte, and times being as they are, then take a stroll down Sunset Boulevard and pick out a hummer from our good friend Memphis Slim (Pimp extraordinaire). If you are more inclined to hard drugs, I suggest the sultry streets of Tijuana as an outlet for your craving. But if your soul cries for alcoholic bliss (binge drinker that you probably are) then in the dregs of Florida your temple lies, and the MTV Spring Break Bash is your sacrament. But remember, beware : the ides of March. Nick Parkinson Junior, English Tyler McConvill Senior, indulge, indulge, indulge! Pre-Medici- ne Thanks to Polite Parking Officer Editor, would like to pass on a word of praise in hopes that others may see it and recognize the need for common I 1 0 1 II 11 11 1 I jhp 11 . courtesy. Simply put, I wish to thank the Parking Services officer who passed me on the sidewalk this morning riding his bicycle for letting me know he was 1 coming past me on my left. It is disconcerting to have bicyclists zoom past, cutting in and out of the crowds. This was a welcome change from the way things usually are. Joseph Buchanan Marriott Library How to Avoid Spring Break Suffering which is a "drag." The world outside our beloved borders is a world of anarchy, where conventional rules of logic do not apply. What is legal in one of these countries may not be legal in the next, and sadly, many countries do not recognize any American's divine right to do as they damn well please. All too often, the tragic, nightmarish result is being arrested. It is important to understand local laws before you visit ed one-and-do- ne Carolin- dilemma. A dilemma of choice and consequence; one in which there arc many losers and few winners. Many of you will set out this March (some of you for the first time) on a journey to the land of sin. With the recent focus on binge drinking on college campuses nationwide, we feel a need to address this weighty subject. As students get in their automobiles and drive to the beaches of California, Florida and the not-so- foreign land of Mexico, they will be faced with many moral tests concerned students we merely would like to offer a little moral support and a bit of advice which can't be found in a surgeon general's warning. As you all take to the streets and take to the beaches, remember this axiom: NCAA Tournament It's the only time of the year the Chronicle well, most of the staff will support skipping class in favor of a bag of chips, a six pack of sporting event in the world. Forget the Super Bowl it's always a snorefest anyway. Forget the World Cup, true Americans don't even play soccer. And forget the World Series and NBA Finals, which have seven games compared format of to the the Big Dance. The NCAA Tournament is the only event that offers as much hoop as it does hype. Where else can you watch as or teams H like Gonzaga Winthrop try and shock the world? It's the only time that you will ever see a North a-Weber State match-uIf you don't love this, then you have no soul. Spring Break approaches, many students will be faced with a common As As It's The NCAA Tournament is Editor, abuse and time. the single most - 5 Beware the Ides of Spring Break concerning mating rituals, substance up. your favofite beverage, a pizza and the remote control. Utah Chronicle Letters to the Editor Chronicle Editorial t The Daily Kelly Morris Chronicle Opinion Columnist called "Laffy Taffy" (reportedly coming in flavors such as "Blue Raspberry" and "Very Cherry"). In Israel, punishment is circumcision performed by a blind, epileptic, moyle. Please post the following flyer: "Going Abroad? Thinking About Getting Busted? Think Again! If you are arrested in a foreign country, all these plagues and more will be visited upon ye You will not be released on bail. d you deserve, you freak! The U.S. Consulate is hippie long-haire- little more While he may be able to sneak in some Frappuccino, there are some things he cannot do He cannot sweet talk the local dictator into releasing you. He will not let you call him than a figure-hea- d. mommy. He cannot arrange a special forces team to break you out in a about having fun over about Thinking break? Thinking out of the country? The US State Department and Madeleine Albright advise you to think again. This press release floated by my radar earlier this week. Dear Editor: I would like your assistance in getting out our message on the dangers of reckless behavior by young Americans studying or traveling abroad during their springsummer breaks. It has been decided that the best way to get this message out is to use a method similar to mandatory military registration. Therefore, distributing this message entitles you to not be thrown in jail and not be fined a minimum of $10,000. Each year, more than 2500 American citizens are arrested abroad about half on drug- - (or "stuff," to use the hip terminology) related charges. Even "carrying" a small amount of "stuff" can get you "busted" by the "Man," Thinking about having fun over spring break? Thinking about doing it out of the country? The U.S. State Depart-meand Madeleine Albright advise you to think again. the realms of these backwater barbarians. For example, Singapore has somehow managed to enact drug laws even more screwy that our own. Police serve as judge, jury and executioner. Those caught with anything white, powdery or both are gunned down where they stand, including anyone within a radius, as well as three small puppy dogs, all as accessories to the crime. Or, in another example, in 80 percent of Middle Eastern nations ending with the letter "N," "Q." or "A," it is a capital offense to carry the new drug 20-fo- ot You will not have access to a mod- ern shower or toilet. You will be given food unfit for rats. You will be thrown in a crowded with many unwashed foreigncell jail ers. You will not see your loved ones for a long, long, long, long time. You will stay in jail until the heat death of the universe. Your goldfish's grave will be vandalized. Your plants will be the victim of a gruesome violation. You will rot away, since that's what nt "hail of gunfire." We cannot emphasize the importance of our message enough. That message is, plainly and simply, what kind of pinko are you, wanting to leave the country? Our forefathers died so you'd have the freedom not to go to Cuba, and this is the thanks they get? You just wanna have fun? You think Valley Forge was fun, you little wimp? Thank you for your cooperation. Sincerely, Madeleine Albright. Unsigned editorials reflect the majority opinion of the Daily Utah Chronicle Editorial Board. Editorial columns and letters to the editor are strictly the opinions of the author, "Letters to the Editor" is an open forum for the community of the University of Utah. Letters of an indecent or libelous nature, or those which demean or threaten any individual or group because of race, sexual orientation or religion will not be considered. Letters must be brief. Letters will be edited for style and space. Author's letters to editorchronicle.utah.edu or drop them off at Union 240. name and phone number must be submitted with every letter for verification purposes. |