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Show 4 The Daily Utah Wedaeatfay. May u. Owoaide SHACf E A PROJECT OF THE STUDENT HEALTH ADVISORY COMMITTEE AND STUDENT HEALTH SERVICE saisss' Ul,w. and abuse in relationships Violence high. According to (he Bureau more than in 10 teens experi- rape, forced oral copulation, bondage, etc. include sodomy, 1 ence physical violence in their dating relationships, and women ages 20 to 34 have the highest rate of violent victimization committed by intimate partners of any age group. Unfortunately, there is no quick fix to this problem, and also there are no In order to easy answers or quick solutions. understand how and what to look for in these relationships, as well as how to help yourself or someone you care about out of such relationships, you must look at everything and everyone involved. This examination includes a look at all different kinds of abuse: the abuser and the abused, the cycle of violence, a friend's role in the lives of the abusive couple, and methods to curb abuse. Although this article focuses primarily on the abused, it should be recognized that the abuser also needs help. Abuse is not just a smack in the face, in many different forms. There is or emotional abuse, which is used with the goal of controlling a significant other's behavior through humiliation and degradations well as to reduce the person's confidence about his or her ability to make decisions. This type of abuse is often hard to acknowledge since the abuser usually acts under the pretext of concern for the well being of hisher partner. Common types of this abuse are yelling, threats, manipulation, etc. The second of abuse is physical abuse, which is the most type identifiable of the three types of abuse. easily name-callin- g, put-dow- Physical abuse might include shoving, slapping, suffocag, punching, shaking, choking, tion, kicking, the use of foreign objects, etc. The third and last type of abuse is sexual abuse. This hair-pullin- type of abuse is forced sexual acts which may these problems is sometimes Identifying Knowing what to look for in both the abused and the abuser often aids in the discovery of the problem andor the prevention of the problem. Let's first look at the abuser. Common characteristics are a follows. Ultimately the goal of any abuser is power and Hot or control over hisher significant other. quick temper, anger and blaming, sexist attitudes and beliefs, controlling behaviors, history of violence or abuse in hisher family, excessive drink- ing (alcoholism) or drug abuse often contribute to these problems. All of the preceding traits are typical of people who have the potential to become abusive. The abused party also has common which it is important to be aware of. These traits include low (feeling down, insulted or dumb) and questioning your own judgment. Also, a friend might say to the victim "You are so stupid for staying with him; he hits you." A good will listen and support the abused, believing in hisher friend. If you want to be a good friend, you should suspend judgement of the abused even if that person chooses to stay in the relationship. Instead, reassure the abused person that they don't deserve to be abused or in heshe has choices and opinions within in a changes in work, eating, sleeping, or drinking habits often stem from this abuse. Further, feelings of anxiety or being unsettled after being with your partner, overlooking your own preferences, and telling yourself that you can succeed where others have failed (no one loved or understood himher the way do) are all forms of attending to Identifying the your partner before yourself. common characteristics of the abused and the abuser will often enable you to stop the problem before it gets truly out of control. 1 Your friendship to a person (victim) abusive relationship can be a dream true or a nightmare. All too often, in an attempt to help, you can cause more harm than good. Things that are not helpful to a person being abused include blaming and criticizing the victim for not seeing or stopping the abuse. Such control, as well The hiser permission. It is common that an abuser may "use the children" to maintain power and control over hisher partner. For example, heshe may threaten to harm the children or to take custody of them if the victim leaves the relationship or does not perform to the will of the abuser, or heshe may use visitation as a way to harass the victim. as understand that hisher Don't get yourself emotionally relationships. to attached the outcome. It has nothing to do with your relationship to the abused. Understand for yourself that the final decision will be the victim's decision. Finally, and most importantly, be sure that in your attempt to help, your safety is not jeopardized. These include threats that are made to do something to hurt the victim emotionally rather than physically. For example, the abuser may threaten to take the children away or to commit suicide. This form of battering is extreme- best methods for curbing and abusive relationships are as look for warning signs; common characteristics listed above in yourself, partner and friends; communicate with and be supportive of those who need it. Abusive relationships come in all forms. The road to prevention or abolishment of violence and abuse in relationships begins with you. You must start by educating yourself, which includes knowing and seeing the warning signs of abuse and learning and implementing the methods and skills for helping those people in abusive relationships who wish to help themselves. You will then be able to educate those around you to understand and recognize abuse and help where and when you can. ly effective because it is done in combination with physical and other types of battering and the victim has no doubt that failure to comply with demands will result in the threat being carried out. Domestic violence will frequently involve the abuser treating hisher partner as a servant, acting like the "master of the castle," making all important decisions without consulting hisher partner, and withholding family information, such as assets or expenses, and informing the victim that it is hisher right to do so. Sources; Power and Cortrol Defining Domestic Violence Child KC1ATON .Maltreatment. Women Abuse; D. DePaufBis, MSW. ACP. L. Walker, The Battered Woman, Harper and Town, New York Tension This stage allows stress in the relationship to to communication break down, fear to grow, and a sense of danger in increase, the abused who attempts to avoid it. Minor violenceabuse occurs; the abused becomes more isolated from hisher friends and loved ones; incidents occur more often and with greater intensity. The abused denies and minimizes the violence, blaming external factors for the problem and hoping that things will change by themselves. Crisis This stage involves extremely high anxiety and uncontrolled violence. The abuser becomes explosive and unpredictable, and serious harm or even death may be the outcome. The abuser then blames the victim, and the victim accommodates in order to survive. This stage may last as little as a few hours, or as long as a few days. Sometimes known as the "Honeymoon" period, this stage begins with both the abuser and the abused shock. In some cases the abuser may be extremely remorseful and may try to seek forgiveness for hisher actions. Following this, both parties are relieved that the crisis is over and the victim, at this point, is often emotionally weak and vulnerable. Thus, heshe will accept promises and gifts as the abuser displays kind and loving behavior. In his or her weakened state of mind, the abused will accept the loving behavior with open arms and the symbolic bond between the two is reinforced. Both the abuser and abused try to believe that the violence will not recur. This stage may last for days or weeks. This is, however, a CYCLE of violence, so there is usually and unfortunately no such thing as a happy ending. Without help or change the cycle will repeat itself and become worse. Isolation involves controlling what the victim does, whom heshe sees and talks to, and where heshe goes. Abusers become very I Tension Building in funds without negative way. Also, help your friend treated to be m THE CYCLE OF VIOLENCE Calm People who abuse frequently attempt to control their victm by maintaining complete power over the household finances. Economic abuse includes prohibiting the victim from working, taking hisher money if heshe does work, making hiwlier ask for money, giving hisher an allowance andor withholding money, berating himher about how heshe spends it, and lying about assets. The abuser may keep all bank accounts and credit cards in hisher name alone so that the victim has no access to threatened by others the victim has an emotional connection with or gets support from, including family and friends. Enforced isolation imprisons the abused victim in a reality that is totally controlled crisis by the abuser, and increases hisher perceived and actual power. Adapted from Child Mtfrntment X AVmen Atvv by Diane Depaufilis. MSW, ACP. & Oa1e Brooks. First National Women Abuse Prevention Project. If you have any questions or are in need of assistance for any of these problems, contact one of the following: CocsseSsg Ccsisr ' Uctanity student services 4-- building 'o 581-682- 6 StatnriueDrjmesfcW (5465) For more information about Head to Toe and the Student Health Service, call 5 8 1 - 6 43 1 . 1997 |