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Show UTAH LEHI FREE PRESS, LEHt rfhc Fable of the I - Smariy ago by William Shakespeare. Lord Jlacaulay aid Daniel Webster. And. ciuebow. before he got through, all of the Ustefiers would he ronvinred lLat they were listening to the Chief Justice. The Average Lawyer cannot you. oVfluitely. his Wife's First Name until after be has gone to the office U-- ll By GEORGE ADE 4 iO. HM U jrd,ct Berne. Ured In the West there tief&lsilure a Citizen was fenny to grt along with If jog would let liim Mm ONCE hare his Way. take Onlera from and Dot saas back. There a no tar-natio- n Rense io any one having ao Argument with thla Bird, ts'ause lie waa always KlghL It almost stuefiel him if some Upstart, with a Plxposl-Uolike a Mule, suggested to til in that possibly be was not One Hundred Per Cent Infallible. Tea. he waa one of those chesty Ikes who are apt to Ret Itesults In a World largely peopled with I'rcv craatlnatora, Ilesltatora, Doubters and but he would hsre been an Awful Tiling to room with. Imagine being all the Time with one who tells you when to Rathe, how many Towels to use. whst to order for Lunch, how many Studs to wear on which side to with the Bob-Tal-l, part the Iocks and what Rooks to cod before turning out the Unlit. Also keen enough under the list to win every Battle If any one finds Fault with a single Item In his Program. At no time endeavoring to conceal the Fact that he Is a Suifnnan. gen . rating His own Aureole of Superior-Ita Back-Pedaler- Ben as a Lad, In the weather beaten School House and on the Village Common, he was Cwr and Dlctntor. He appointed himself such and banished to Outer Iarkness all those who i' questioned his Rule. Every Hay the Worms would get and mumble a lot of Threats and organize a Mutiny, but when It came time for the Uprising there never waa a Leader who dared to meet Julius In the Arena. If erer Imperial Caesar looked down from the Battlements, he must have been proud of his Nnmesnke. We are said to be Free and Equal. It would be hard to say which hnlf of the foregoing Joke is entitled to the louder Laugh. Hs Has a Through Ticket When you discover in a Grammar Lad with a squnre-JaweSchool Steely Eyes, of Whom the Teacher stands In Awe, look out for him. It simply means that ho has a Through Ticket for the Stock Exchange, the U. 8. Senate or the Callows. Even as a Squirrel cannot be kept on the Ground, so it Is impossible to keep any Napoleon In a Side Pocket. When he appeared on the Campus of that undersized but ambitious Institution of Learning known as Ooble College and began to Swank all over the Place, the Infuriated Undergraduates called a Secret Meeting and voted that nothing would cure him except a Dip In the Horse-Tank- . So he called the Freshmen together and told them Just what he expected from them In the way of Cooperation, lie wild thnt If they would obey Orders, the Class of Umpty-Umwould be the brightest Jewel In the Diadem of dear old Goble. So they elected him ClasH President and he told them what the Colors and the Tell would be and they all went mooching bncs to their Rooms to whisper among themselves and declare that they wouldn't stand for It They were In a State of Revolt except when In the Immediate Presence of his hypnotic Personality and then the Complex of Inferiority got a Strangle Hold on the Ego and they knew that Gnats could not argue with an Eagle. When he finally picked out a good Eugenic Specimen of fourplus Pulchritude and decide to permit her to be the Mother of his Children, he did not propose at all. He putted her on the shoulder and told her to brace herself and not give way to Joyful Emotions, even though she was about ,t0 be the recipient of Good News. In putting her Wise to the Fact that she had drawn the Capital Prize he Impersonated the King who pauses on the Highway to bestow a Coin on a barefooted Peasant Girl. Irene had vowed that before she signed up he would have to unstnrch himself and get down on his knees and talk purty, but when the Big Moment came she was Just as cool and defiant as a small Bird In the presence of a large and energetic Snake. He somehow had the mesmeric Pow. er to convince Folks that any one who didn't fall In with his Suggestions was guilty of Lese Majestic Contempt of Court and Moral Delinquency. Had to Wlps His Feet. Julius went Into the Practice of Ijiw and the first Client who walked Into his Office had to wipe his feet on the Mat and dig up a Relalnlng Fee. He had the Option of doing thnt or going somewhere else and hiring a second class Dub. How the other Attorneys hated Julius! Why? Becnuse. when they opened up on him with all their Heavy Ar tlllery. Bombs and Shrapnel, he would be reading a Letter and not aware that Opposing Counsel were present. The most they ever got out of him was a Smile Indicative more of Pity than of Anger. After they had hoi lered themselves hoarse and suppll cated the Court and massaged the Jury, then Julius would arise and explain What was What In Language which was feebly imitated some time down-trodde- n d and looked at a couple of Books. Julius knew what the Authorities had to aay before they said it The Barristers with defective Igui-tioand no Self Starters found It hard going when they tried to regulate the activities of a hounding Intellectual Gazelle whose Intuition was shout Three Weeks In Advance of their careIWme. fully figured-ou- t Julius shone with especial Luster when he had a Board of Directors eat ing from the Hand. He whs the kind of Igal Adviser who always felt that he could get a better Une on the Workings of the Company which employed him If be owned quite a Block of the Stock. And no matter what they slipped him, it was atwsys with the Understanding that they were mighty lucky to secure the Services of the ne plus ultra Crackerjack of the Twentieth Century. Julius rode down th Applan Way in a fSotden (."harlot drawn by '24 White Horses while all of the Chair Warmers and Checker Players and Culls and Misfits and Dumb Bells said It was a Crime the way he was get ting the Breaks, which he was. You surround Mount Everest with Ant Hills and Mount Everest Is going to be lonesome. No one can be chummy with a lot of Pigmies who are only Knee high. Julius had a Host of envious Admirers but very few Pals and those who were his Close Friends needed only Blue Suits. Short Pencils and Freckles to make them regular Messenger Boys. Astronomy teaches thnt Satellites may revolve around Planets, but never Vice Versa. Julius was always the incomparable It without making any apparent Effort to overshadow his Environment He took the Center of the Stage because the Minor Actors backed away at his regal Approach and tried to hide behind the Scenery. Functioned at. Top Speed. Inasmuch as all normal Adults are missing on most of the Cylinders, It was no Miracle that one who functioned at Top Speed and was absolutely minus all Douhts and Fears should become a Leader by Common Consent, snd then be privately hated by all of the Second-RaterOne of our prize Delusions Is that men who acquire extreme Unpopularity are seldom successful and happy. To get the Cold Facts play the Reverse English.' The handshaking Greeters who achieve Popularity are often elected to Office, with the Result that they are neither happy nor financially prosperous. They get their Pictures In the Papers and flnalljr are burled by Popular Subscription. One of the real Satisfactions which followed Julius through his Meteoric Career arose from the Knowledge that he was thoroughly detested because of his Wealth, his Wardrobe, his Town House, his Fleet of Motor Cars, his suite of Offices, his princely Income and his Magnetic Control of all surrounding Circumstances. He could hear the Buzs of the Detractors below but he never saw the Knockers, because he always wore his Head tilted hack and was giving a correct Imitation of AJex defying the Lightning. It would have broken his Heart If the perspiring Commoners had ever hailed him as an Equal. He wanted to be In the Ether while they were crawling In the Mud. and the fullest Vindication of his Career was thnt no one ever asked him to be a Candidate for Anything. He had no Time to hold Office. He was too busy telling the s what to do. It la said that the Funeral Procession was over a Mile Ions, with 210 Cars, and In every Car at least four happy Mourners who were swapping Stories about Julius and his superlative Egotism and offensive Eccentricities. The lofty Monument for which he provided In his Will, knowing thnt the Beloved Ones could not be trusted. Is 80 feet high and Is visible by ninny Sight-Seer- s who stand around and recall thnt. even though he was ornery and stuck up, he hatted 1.000, never was caught on Bases nnd hadn't a single Error marked up against him. No wonder the Hatreds survive. There are all sort of Guesses as to what became of him. Some think he of the Heavenly Is the Gattl-CasnChoir and others feel sure that he Is President of a Heating Plant. Wherever he Is, he has a Swivel Chair and a big Desk with Flowers on It. MORAL The easiest Thing In the World to get and the hardest to cash on Is Three Ilenrly Cheers. Office-Holder- ( Smoke Nuisance The smoke abntement war has hern going on for centuries. London had a "smoke nuisance" back In Will, which was so acute thnt John Evelyn, famous diarist of the time, wrote a detailed pamphlet on the subject, called "Fumlfuglum. or the Inconvenience of the Aer and the Stnonke of London Dissipated ' Dedicnted "To His Sncred Majesty "hnrlos M," the book blamed "brewers, dlera, lime burners, salt and sope boylers' for the trouble, nnd advocated that the trades which caused the nuisance he removed five or six miles out of the city. King Chsrles was so Impressed that he asked Evelyn to prepare a hill to solve the problem, but they played politics even In those days, nnd the measure never reached the statute books. Wall Street Journal. Old-Ti- Our Government COPENHAGEN ft r r fttui ' r. I i V. - I f r W r lit.r r - : r 1 How It Operates By William 1 r. r ' j; Bructart MARKET INFORMATION ha. The "White House" of Denmark, and even part of north Germany; also. bjr National Gaocraphle Society. Prepared WNU Service. W uhluKtou. U C. It cut an outlet to the south of the (Kobenhavn), to Baltic, not to the north, as In our COPENHAGEN Trotsky, exiled Hudson bay, which was a mighty facrecently was tor in the progress of all the Baltic transported almost "in bond" lands, and most especially of Copento lecture before Copenhagen univerhagen. sity students, Is a modern city. In HaCopenhagen means "Merchants' But It has many ways It fattened upon centuries ven." For a long history. It was a sizable fishthe toll of passing ships by levying a ing village .TOO years before Columtax known as Sound dues a tariff so bus' transatlantic voyage "Denprofitable that It was called Once it was mostly wood, and It such mine." Naturally, mark's gold burned down, here and there, tine and to maritime Irksome became again, and stone was utilized, nntil payment and In 1857 the practice was now a train entering the city seems to powers, Opening the Kiel canal be gliding through tunnels tunnels of abolished. loss to Copenhagen's further brought It until buildings made of rock found a way the but shipping, emerges In a station called "one of out in its Free Portcity the finest In Europe." Certainly it Is The Free Port among the neatest One of the city's numerous towers, It requires considerable explaining, the tower which remains of St Nicheven in this least formal of all Euroolas church, though the church Is gone, pean capitals, to procure permission to Is a reminder of the days, or nights, pass the sentries, who guard every enof frequent fires. There a king statrance, even the railroad tracks, into tioned a watchman, who, like our ranthe Free Port gers, scanned the forest of timber Once inside, the visitor stands structures, and when be saw a blaze amazed at the compact conglomeration he would cry, "Brand brand!" All of docks, derricks, grain elevators, over the town nocturnal windows gaunt cranes, ships, enormous warewould go up, heads come poking out, houses, and puffing little engines scurand cries of "Where, where?" would rying about amid Incredible mounds be answered by pedestrian Paul Reof goods. veres, who gave the fire's location. Here is an array of American har Residents of the vicinity of the blaze vesters, piles of plows, harrows, farm would place tubs of water before their tools, odorous resin timber, mountains doors, each ready to save his own of coal, wheat, and corn, soybeans home, while those beyond the danger cake from Manchuria, sunflower-seezone would go back to bed. meal from from Russia, cotton-seeThe new town hall, stalwart and our South, and heaps of auto parts Impressive, sixth in the succession of of a familiar American make. These the town's municipal buildings, typiare assembled within the Free Port fies Copenhagen's new architecture. "Five basins here, sir; 128 acres of It Is a conglomerate mass of rust-reland, 82 acres of water; three miles brick, granite, limestone, and terra of piers, 40 electric cranes, seven cotta a strange blending of ancient steam cranes, seven coal elevators," Danish and Italian touches. Its five reels' off guide, which Is the potiers of windows, for example, are lite Freeyour Port euphemism for the each of a different design; there are watchman who guards against smugadditional casual oriels that would be gling. at home in Nuremberg, and battle"Those elevators and pneumatic ments on the roof suggest the peak can unload 1,200 or 1,300 tons tubes line of a modern New York skyscraper. In an eight-hou- r day, from that side, Implanted upon Its facade Is a while that ship on the other side Is bronze relief of Bishop Absalon, the 'discharging a 100 tons of wheat an Romulus of Copenhagen. Along Us hour." roof are figures of the town's ancient There are 40 warehouses here, a watchmen, flanked by polar bears. An houses the birds grain silo that dominates them all, ornate pigeon-cot- e a floating crane that can toy with 50 that flutter about Us "musselshell" tons. mosaic pavements. . The Free Port Is a complete comA lofty tower, 342 feet high, which It has Its own power plant, munity. seems to have no bearing whatsoever branches, police, postal, and banking upon its accompanying building, Is protelegraph stations, restaurants, teleclaimed "highest of Its kind" In northbooths, display rooms, and tradern Europe, which may well be true, phone sheds. The rest rooms that look ing since Its design approaches the unique. like clubhouses are waiting rooms for To the layman's eye the strange enworkmen awaiting Jobs. semble achieves a surprising dignity Trams and liners are disgorging and charm. As for an architect, and grains and machinery from goods but "Well, it was worth doing once, England, the Americas, even from AusI hope no one but a Dane tries it tralia, while others loading cargoes again; then It would be a mesa" consigned to all the great Baltic ports. View From Town Hall Tower. Trains of laden freight cars, pygmy It Is worth while climbing the 300 size to the American eye, halt for insteps of the town hall's tower, bespection at the Iron gates; then stem cause from Its lofty platform, armed away on direct hauls to Central Euwith a few facts of Denmark's history rope, even to Sweden, by way of the and geography, one may catch a bird's-ey- e short ferry crossing to Malmo. summary of Copenhagen's reason Citadel and Park. for being. Emerging from the bustling, modern Fanwise to the northeast spread Free Port, one comes upon the stateacres of bronze and copper domes, mellow Citadel, remnant of the ly, towers towers of and hotels, steeples, King Frederick III built In even the business buildings, railway station, as well as churches and an the sixties of 1000. Around It is the mosaic of lagoons gabled roofs expanse of "fish-tile- " with dormer windows that make the nnd gardens that compose Copencity's roof surface look like a choppy hagen's beautiful park, sloping toward the famous Langelinle (Long Line) sea. To the right Is the Sound, narthat bends gracefully from the Free rowing Into the channel that gives CoPort to the city's own harbor to the penhagen a "downtown" harbor censouth. tral as an American union station. Seaward lies the Sound, with ocean Beyond the smokestacks and masts In the harbor curves a promenade liners and pleasure yachts, ferries and one of Europe's most famous and freight boats, and In the distance the beautiful promenades to the Citadel, shores of Sweden. The Dane should the city's one complete survival from be cosmopolitan ; he can scarcely take the era of America's Plymouth and a walk or scan the view from his wide Jamestown, and beyond the Citadel Is apartment window without seeing the a city within the city, the famous Free flags of many nations and the shores Port, key to present-daCopenhagen's of another land. Landwise a long line of automobiles American, commercial prosperity. French, Some 10,000 or so years ago all the German, and an occasional Italian car now scans subwas one's a area eye among them punctuated bv hordes of bicycles, glide over the level road with merged reef of chnlf and time. About thnt time, the Glaclnl Period, mamscarcely perceptible rises where It moth Ice sheets a mile or more thick, crosses the viaducts that knit the like those of Denmark's Greenland topatches of land. south from If one stops In a downtown day, thrust ponderously CopenNorway. They piled up their earth hagen hotel he will surely be awakand stones as they crunched and ened Sundays by the outpouring of ground upon this reef, gradually formand noisy citizens seeking the ing tho Island of Zealand to the west outdoors and the sun. Week days the and Amnger to the east Dane goes to work quietly, sedately The channel which cuts through the pedaling a bicycle, which, after all is heart of Copenhagen today Is merely not a boisterous vehicle; hut Sundavs to furrow a fortunate the wake of one will be awakened by the shouts of these glaciers. boys and girls cycling to the country This happy whim of the glaciers hiking to picnics, or ; carved a water passage to the great to railway stations going n the cheap Baltic sea opening to world trade the on that day. The city sees present-daSweden, Finland, Russia. to It thnt even the poor children got Latvia, Estonia, Lithuania, Poland, an outing. ultra-moder- d d d y na-tlv- e as ourt nation that Is as great of tninss volume be must In the natural course OI home at ao enormous consume"" and merchandise procommodities duced here. It Is essential, therefore, comthat the producer of agricultural comthose of modities, the processor modities and the distributor of them, on marall must be It be a If ket data. The same is true oil. a of a gusher of pins, package on and manufacturer of automobiles, Is the need there So the list through for domestic facts and figures. The bureau of foreign and domestic commerce la Just at thorough in Its aa it study of the domestic markets In the be to heretofore was shown forassembly of information from the of eign field. Possibly the gathering Information at home Is a little more that Is simple than It is abroad, but more apparent than real ; It only seems more simple because we are more familiar with the practices of commerce and Industry here than, say In France or Japan. Throughout the United States, In all of the principal cities, the department maintains branch offices. Stationed there are men highly trained for their particular work. In the territory In which Akron, Ohio, Is located, we find men who have intimate knowledge of Along the the tire Industry. there will be men of shipping experience as well as men with knowledge of whatever other Industries make up the principal businesses of the area. In the vast farming areas of the Middle West, there are men with intimate acquaintance with markets for agricultural staples, and so on. These men are reporting constantly to the home office In Washington, and they are thus serving as advisers to the nation as a whole since It is calculated with some definiteness that our national consumption constitutes about 90 per cent of our production of all commodities put together. Besides the "field offices," as they are called, there are the various divisions In the headquarters here with specific Jobs to do. One of them, for example, has been engaged over a period of several years attempting to find out why some grocery stores prosper and why others alongside will fail. Another crew has been studying the reasons for demand In one section for certain types of merchandise while another community a few hundred miles away wants something of a different type. The bureau's domestic division has men who ore actually serving retail businesses of the country In exactly the same way as a physician treats a patient They point out how to avoid wasting dollars Instead of wasting health; they suggest ways to attract customers to Increase trade Instead of building up bodily resistance to disease, as the doctor would tell his patient. In other words, these are commercial diagnosticians, and the records would seem to Indicate retail trade Is on a very much firmer foundation and that the consumer gets more for his dollar as a result of their A I Nto ere sea-coa- Great Natural Beaut in Baltic R...m Along the shorea of the are lour vigorous and formed from ,... was part of old Russia littu 0,1 than a decade ago. V out at are In their present nation,. ? pendence, each of them- -ir Lithuania. Latvia and EsttwnjT cultural, historical, architmuni artistic traditions of great Iiite, every visitor, and each U k posing, scenes of natural bei" coastline and forest and lakesiJ Helsingfors, the capital of Fto la an unusually beautiful city rounded on three sides by the " Riga. In Latvia, Is the home ef1 of the finest examples of architecture In northern Eurou! Its Thirteenth-centur- y cathedral Tallinn (formerly Reval). tbonla, contains many ancle m Interesting relics of its great a Hansen tie port Dublics " A FAMOUS whose ptcturt pears here, all the drug atom of this country Favorite PrejCn tion for women ti fering from weak Trve t0 ;"' statistics Rh to what may be used e: rvesto indicate likewise that the' d" tc staff of the bureau of oregn fr V w ""which to flu this new stvle n.,u inffframne sickness, headaches, backaches, kf flashes. Women of all ages testify h its merits. What it has done others, it should do for yon, fryj now I This is one of Nature's res dies composed of roots and herbs aj contains no alcohoL If yo wwl tnt audUal adviM, Dr. riwca' Clini la BoSaU, nTt. Bronchial Troubles Need Creomulsici Bronchial troubles may lead to Km thing serious. You can stop then m with Creomulsion, an emulsified cnxwd that is pleasant to take. Creonuuiiotiii new medical discovery with tion; it soothes and heals the infiamed membranes and inhibits germ grouts. Of all known drugs, creosote kneq nized by high medical authorities nasi of the creates! healinc affrnriMfnm. istent coughs and colds and other foia of throat troubles. Creomulsion conttis in addition to creosote, other healing d ments which soothe and heal the infecta! membranes and stop the irritation ud flammation, while the creosote goesMi the stomach, is absorbed into wis tlwi attacks the seat of the trouble and cbeeb the growth of the germs. Creomulsion is guaranteed satisfactej in the treatment of persistent coughsid colds, bronchial asthma, bronchitis tsi other forms of respiratory disease!, ssj is excellent for building up the systea after colds or flu. Money refunded if ait cough or cold, no matter of howlongsuii ing, is not relieved after takingacwrdii to directions. Askyour druggist, (AM two-fol- It .to Of I liane SDIl (on fsar tdto 'em. ing." ortu f fro ef A nagging backache, with rough Que ordered kidney or bladder con dition. Users everywhere rely on Doan's Pills. Praised for more than 50 years by grateful users the cduntry over. Sold by all druggists. iletio jre s tcess ere jromw an tore It DOANS 'My Pill ivec :me I Tmiwms SALT Jz TO A TRIP laTon AND LAKE v k arm In NEWHOUSE I a in run ENJOY 1 old bladder irregularities and a tired, nervous, depressed feeling may warn of some dis a a 1, in n in It is )oor ' I BUI j fl wai t Pith king. Part elia nr ?, kfo to 4M.A.J. hIT,. 1 How eacl MBS. J. H. WATERS. Pr W. K. BUTTON. Mst. 400 Rooms 52.00 to fC W pose AA A Family or 5 Persona J5 persons-- ff inoice wuw"- - OjO two with Bit Room mble. pan. X love mm i 14 dej id ai h, AH tl THE HOTEL !'ed NEWHOUSE oted. SALT LAKE CITT. olin r vmm in n r 400 Baths Room $25? 'a mm I .'fc.HI til mm Pi " P 111 fill I . Fht re of their TMMm know: ltua 'Stive "jf H If yonr bladder to MUted, ej your urine is too acid or beCV)i fii mation is present - oidpff tiaarlem UU capsules. V tm for used ration has been 237 veara. That its popularity tha best proof that it yon tret gold medau 35c& 75o. ?L ."i J&dt :n 1 1 D); aenc Print P an 'ttpn be a: HAARLEM OIL CAPU e.i.wrn;j,w,Werriiloni f!in lain . V f,lA UVfcRlixtyjM work. Statistics constitute an Important adjunct of this service, as well as that supplied by the foreign service, and In this the bureau of the census plays Its role In behalf of business. I used to think before I knew better that all the bureau of the census did was to count the noses of the nation, but that Is only a minor part of Its work. It does that Job every ten years, and It Is an Immense task, but all of the other time It Is engaged In finding out how many washing machines were produced last year, how many pairs of shoes were manufactured in the first three months of this year, etc. It always has been a matter of Interest to me to observe those census statistician "In action." They will examine a tabulation several feet square spend hours doing so. From these figures they make others. Every movement, however, Is towards a definite end. namely, a fact Here Is one result of constant calculation and one that illustrates better than any that comes to mind at the moment: In the census office Is a giant electric clocklike machine. It has several hands, moving In clock manner, around the perimeter, and every time this "clock" ticks, It records the birth of an American citizen In something of the same manner, a death Is registered. Of course, that machine does not register deaths or birth; It merely registers figures on these vital statistics that represent the average number of deaths and the average number of births that have been shown to occur through tabulation of statistics 8ay that has nothInK t( do .JkV"? business, but thnt Is an Incorrect assumption. Hw, for !nst would manufacturers of boys' clothes he able to plan their production programs for ten years hence, say, If they onld not figure n a certain ncrease n population In the terr'torv thev Bait cor, 'I sk "rta |