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Show Monday, Januaryy 9f 1989 Chronicle Page Six EDITORIAL -- Award Arafat to peace govern) ffoir Time magazine's Person of the Year was a planet this year-Ear- th. Unfortunately, it missed some golden opportunities to acknowledge humans who made a difference in 1988. In that spirit, the Chronicle has chosen its own Person of the Year and those deserving honorable mention. The Chronicle will use Time's criteria for the awardthe candidate's contribution to society and the degree of media attention he or she received. First, the runners-up- , people who by their own action or, the capricious winds of fate, have served as positive or nega- tive role models andor have frequently been in the press. In the category of religion, the second runneare Jim and Tammy Bakker. Their r-ups shenanigans not only entertained America, but they served to remind us that "people of the cloth" can be as big of hucksters as politicians. The first runner-u- p is Jesse Jackson, who gave a positive role model to the growing population of urban poor, offered creative solutions to worlddomestic problems and held fast to his principles. No wonder he lost the presidency. In the category of media personalities, the is Oprah Winfrey. Given second runner-u- p that her program has little or no literary or social merit, she did inspire countless Americans to slim down. The first runner-u-p must be Geraldo Rivera. His televised antics and total lack of ethics makes all other members of the press look like saints in compari- "; son. In the category of politics, the second runner-up is Mikhail Gorbachev. His seemingly sincere efforts toward a more peaceful world, ;,-;y;-,v;wr.- his domestic political and economic reforms and his ability to charm the majority of Americans makes him the second most popular man in the United States and a shoe-i- n for the next presidential race. The first runner-u- p is Pakistan's Benazir Bhutto. The first woman to run a Muslim country, she successfully combines the strength and intelligence the job requires with a respect for traditional values. The grand-priz- e winner in the Chronicle 's Person of the Year Award is Yassir Arafat. Arafat has taken some very tangible steps toward a lasting peace in the Middle East. He has offered the Palestinians a peaceful avenue toward realization of their national dreams. Further, he miraculously unified the Palestine National Council during the Algiers Summit and was able to extract a promise of cooperation. By taking some difficult semi-peacef- ul steps toward negotiations with Israel and renouncing violent acts against civilians, he has demonstrated the growth and maturity of the Palestine Liberation Organization. The Chronicle salutes Yassir Arafat's bold initiatives and realistic dreams for peace. It is with the utmost sincerity that we hope to someday award Israel's leadership recognition in their endeavors for a lasting peace. Until that elusive date in the future, Yassir Arafat deserves the spotlight he is in. Daily UtaH HRONICLE The Daily Utah Chronicle is an independent student newspaper published during fall, winter and spring quarters, excluding test weeks and quarter breaks, by the University Publications Council. Editorials reflect the opinion of the editorial board, and not necessarily the opinions of the student body or the administration. Subscriptions must be prepaid. Forward all subscription correspondence, including change of address, to the Business Manager, Daily Utah Chronicle, 240 Union, University of Utah, Salt Lake City, Utah, 84112 -- WelL .. George. .. Its your baby" Fred w. Holliday Hormone beef keeps gays away say we give Ghadafi and his henchmen a good dose of bombs (100,000 megatons of Yankee American way). I say, "Eat Shiite, . Ghadafi!" Heh heh.. In all seriousness, George Bush says he won't bomb Libya because we'd have an OPEC crisis on our hands. But I say we have plenty of oil in Texas, Alaska and Idaho. And when we run out of all that oil, we can start using solar power like those hippies in Oregon. So I say, "Bombs away!" Speaking of bombs, the other day I read in the paper that the Europeans don't want to buy American meat that's been treated with hormones. I'll tell you why they don't want our meat: because they're weak-kneepacifist pantywaists and they're afraid our hormones will make mem manly and. strong arid ready to fight the commies. And if you ask me, I don't think George Bush has been eating any of this American male hormone meat. What's all this balderdash about a "kinder and gender America?" Sounds to me like old George is being led around by the nose by. all these pinko, feminist, pro-taspecial interest groups. You can bet Fred "make it rare" Holliday eats American red meat. I plenty of that hormone-lace- d take my woman out to the Red Flame for a rare porterhouse whenever I get the chance. Not only that, I fought and died in two wars, including the Korean War, and I received a steel Christians. Fred "let's Greetings, God-fearibomb Libya back to the Stone Age" Holliday here. This weeK I'm madder than a pit bull with rabies. There's nothing that makes me blow my stack more than seeing these homosexuals . fluttering all over the city. If God meant for there to be so many Tinkerbells, he would have given us a wand and a pair of wings. If the Lord condoned homosexuality, He would have created Adam and Steve instead of Adam and Eve. Say, that's a pretty good one. Heh heh.I say we round up all these fairies and put them on a slow boat to Shanghai. Now don't get me wrong. I'm a tolerant Joe. One man's meat is another man's pleasure, I always say. But when these homos take their act out into public, they're going too far. d Not only does God hate these fairies, but their decadent sexual practices go against the limits of science. Think about it, folksv Fact No. 1: Why do people have nookie? To make critters. Queens cant make critters. It's as simple , as that. Fact No. 2: Fairies don't have the right equipment for a roll in the hay. It's like trying to stick a square peg into a triangular hole, if you know what I mean. Fact No. 3: Everyone knows a man has to have a broad to slap around and show her who's boss. Have you ever heard of a man slapping another man around and showing him who's boss? It defecates the laws of nature. I remember some months back, I took my family on a picnic up to Memory Grove and I saw something I'll never forget: two fruits makin' out near the war monument. I just sat mem thinking, "What a disgrace this is to those brave boys who ng jus-tice-t- . x, 32-oun- ce, plate in my head. That plate has enabled me to communicate with the spirit of Gen. Douglas MacArthur. Gen. MacArtnur told me that meats are the most vile Russian conspiracy U since fluoridated water.1 If it weren't for hormone meats, Fidel Castro would have shipped Yugoslavian missiles into China. If it weren't for hormone meats, there would be no National Rifle Association. And if it weren't for hormone meats, the homosexuals would have taken over our government. I'm here to say that when we get a fruit running this country, I'm packin' my bags and heading to Russia. I say we have to pardon Lt. Col. Ollie North and make him the president of the United States. Ollie would lower taxes and show all those in Nicaragua who's boss. Fred W. Holliday is currently fishing for trout in Strawberry Reservoir. He is the creation of Andrew Hunt, the Chronicle's managing editor. non-hormo- , perished at the sinister clutches ot the bloodthirsty Japs at Guadalcanal." I'm just worried that my little kids are emotionally scarred for life. Oh well. You know what I always say: Even a blind pig finds an acorn now and again. Another thing that ratdes my cookies are those nutty. For the life of me, I can't figure them out. b All those bums are good for is driving around in Cadillacs and talking about how much they hate Americans while they're stealing our s. Ay-ra- jobs and women. Take Col. Moamar Ghadafi, for instance. Now that guy has bats in the belfry. He's screwier than a three dollar bill. It would be different if he was Editor in Chief. Editor. t Managing News Editor. Edtorial Editor Sports Editor Feature Editor Photography Editor Copy Editor . . Night Editor. Assistant News Editor Assistant Editorial Editor Assistant Sports Editor Assistant Feature Editor. .Darren Hawkins ................... .Andrew Hunt i Lori Bona Hunt Justin Toth .Kent Condon .Deanie Wimmer .Guy Elder Ellen Garff Hawkins Amber McKee .Ed Ruiz Tamarah Hardesty Dirk Facer .Sharon Deckert ............. ........ . . Assistant Photography Editor Assistant Copy Editor Administration Reporter. ASUU Reporter. News Reporters. V,' anti-Americ- .... Aaron Ashcraft Steve Moore Ken Southwick Scott Stone , Mike Allsop Vic Garcia Christian Aggolor , , . - Feature Writers. Sports Writer. Photographer. Business Manager Accountant Classifieds Columnist. . v . Bel-A- ne an ne'er-do-wel- ls open minded and could listen to reason, like yours truly. But he has too many screws loose. I Darren Hawkins, Andrew Hunt, Justin Toth , d, . Editorial Board: Lori Bona Hunt, Tamarah Hardesty, ng pot-smoki- limp-wriste- Ay-rab- he Arlene Calkins Jennifer Peterson Isaiah Stewart , . Loren Jorgensen Andrew Holloway Robert McOmber . . Kay Anderson Kerry Murphy Jean de Montreux Artists. Accounting Clerk . . Collections . . , . ; . Account Executives . ................ i , . . . . . . . . '" Production Manager. Assistant Production Manager Production Assistant. . .WesPack .Tammie Bostick Sara Wilson , Distribution .Byron Williams Kim Bartel .... .............. "... . . . MattDalton r JinaSanone ... Sean Buckley R, Kenny Watanabe Abbie Hall .David Lew Stanford Hirai .......... SridipNag David Orchard Chris (Popeye (TSM)) Stratford |
