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Show Tuesday, September 27, 1988 Chronicle - Pag Twelve Andrew Hunt and John Pecorelli: cinema clunkers need radical updating Old - This summer, every movie buff from Woody Allen to Leonard Maltin to the eerie Soupy Sales has been moanin' and groanin' that the innovative Ted Turner colorized the schloch flick Casablanca, thus ing some life into the creaky, worn-ou- t old bastard. And while we applaud "Rimer's valiant efforts, we feel that he has not , gone far enough. After such modern cinematic master--: pieces as Robinson Carusoe on Mars, H.O.T.S. and Mother, Juggs and Speed, primative lunkers like the Maltese Falcon don't stand a Creamsicle's chance in hell. We have the solution to the pressing dilemma. Each old film is an enigma in itself and needs a different, more radical form of modernization to make it worthwhile for the spectator of today. For starters, take that hopeless dung-hea- p Citizen Kane. Orson Welles just didn't have the technology or the imag .slow-movin- g, ination to make this cinematic disaster worth the stock it was shot on. Colorizing Citizen Kane is a first step, but by no means the only step. After that, the plot must be altered to focus on a Yuppie newspaper mogul Biff Kane (played with shocking enthusi asm by Emilio Estevez). An entire of the bulk of this film, in of course, will be necessary. In the updated version, Estevez, driven to the point of bankruptcy by Libyan terrorists, Estevez flips out and goes on e a rampage. Rosebud will be the leader of the New Order that God has commanded Estevez to violently establish. But not to worry, kiddies, westerns are on our agenda as well. In recent years, cowboy movies have become passe. However, we have just the ticket to revive this genre-ou- ter space. We're talkin' a galactic remake of the 1939 dozer Stagecoach. Our new version, titled Spacecoach (produced by Dino masDeLaurentiis), will feature termind George Clinton as Sheriff Buck Saturnus and Redd Foxx as comic relief sidekick Quasar LaRue. While the plot 15 will remain simi- lar, the new version will feature lengthy sequences of female robots beautiful, semi-nud- e down funk. to boogeyin' bushwack-ing Russell the will Nipsey play Venusian villain and limericist Festus Ignatius Tobor Galacticus m, who travels with his buxom blonde space squaw Po Ku Hantas. Hold on to your powdered wigs, kiddies, it gets better. All the bases are covered here, including the epics. That's why we've decided to "revamp" Gone With the Wind. The updated version will be titled Gone With the Wind 2: ' P-Fu- nk n ing . 3-- D ear-shatteri- ng axe-muraeri- ng city-wid- The Final Countdown. The opening sequence of Gone With the Wind 2 will feature two lovers, Scarlet (Demi Moore) and Redd (Matt Dillon) are torn from each other's arms by interstellar storm troopers. Their quest: to locate and lay one another while nuclear holocaust ravages their planet In the heartwarming climax of the film, Redd and Scarlet, completely bald and withering, meet up in the radioactive sewers of New York, scrounging for crusts of bread, for one final moment of tenderness amidst the rubble. After the credits roll, scientist Carl Sagan will give a moving prologue concerning the effects of nuclear war on the ozone layer. These are but a few examples. Hitchcock, Ford, Wilder and Lubitsch were nothing but bloody bowel slugs-th- ey were okay for their time, but their swampy, lethargic muck just don't cut the mustard in this day and age. 3 O fr en d sh i COUNTS i fin p SO:.. TODAY r Y rSn FREE CROISSANTS AND OJ AT VARIOUS SPOTS ON CAMPUS COURTESY LDSSA.- - WEDNESDAY li:a.m. "Family Feud" game fJllX Structural Engineering, Analyzing and designing -- bridges. 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