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Show Monday, September 26, 1988 Chronicle - Page Twenty-tw- o I-- Deckert- Sharon - Perils of the penniless worse than those of Pauline Warning: the Chronicle's assistant feature editor has determined trying to obtain financial aid can be hazardous to your emotional stability. Remember the old Perils ofPauline silent movies where Pauline was rescued from every imaginable distress including being tied to a train track in fast motion? (I know rodeo calf ropers who would be envious of the villain's tying speed.) the sawed-of- f either.) If you dont have a friend who loves you enough to holia gun to your head and force you to fill in the forms ccrrectly-randoselecting circles is not a ve heard you tircumstances-I'these idea under good can get good help by advertising in Soldier of Fortune. If your advertisement should happen to get you in flit's Ib&ck o self-inflicte- mly 0 $ Well, the perils of the penniless trying to traverse the maze of financial aid would have caused even Pauline to pull out handfuls of blonde curly hair. Admitting that you desperately need money can be embarrassing in itself, but you don't just walk up to a window and quickly breathe out, "I need help," and find a check in the mailbox the next morning. You have to fill out the form. The Financial Aid Form comes, appropriately enough, in a plain brown envelope. But I sincerely doubt that what you find inside will thrill you. It's one . of those forms. I don't know abtiut you, but I can think of things to do that are a lot more fun than that I put off filling in the form until a friend of mine sat me down in a coffee shop and wouldn't let me escape until I was done. (Plenty of caffeine is a great idea, and cial distresses. I have also found me mental anguish increases exponentially as the deadline for paying tuition approaches. I must admit that in my case the anguish was I didn't fill in my form until after the deadline and so it was appropriate that I wasn't rescued until the last minute. But I have a friend who filed for aid at the beginning of the year and didn't get help any earlier than I did. Now I'm not saying that she waited up on New Year's Eve and ran to the nearest mailbox in her best party dress to mail her request, but she did send it in months earlier than I did. Obviously then, your request can be lost even if you obey all the instructions and mail it in January. In view of this feet, I have decided to write a book to alleviate these problems. You know how people write books about when is the best time to buy lottery tickets or mail your card for a drawing? I'm going to write a book on how to best calculate the exact moment to mail off your FAF form. If you would like a copy of my new book, just send e n child to the cash, your visa cards or your number listed below on your screen. On second thought, forget about sending your kids. I've been through enough stress in the last few weeks. If I had children I'd go tie myself to the railroad track. . So sony.Paulme, butinthe deepest recesses of my heart I can't feel anxious watching your escapades. I've already survived the financial-ai- d perils of the penniless. shotgun didn't hurt my motivation any $ -- trouble with the law, you can always plead temporary insanity brought on by the stress of filling out the form. But whatever your motivation, once you get the , forms filled in you have to scrounge up $7 to send with it That's like asking someone to make bricks without straw, but you can't argue with the alphabet-shape- d ink blots that say your application won't be processed without the money. Once you've sent in the form, along with your lunch money for an entire week, the anxious wait begins. Pauline tied to the railroad track couldn't have been anymore worried than I was. I did discover the worry is less if you're honest on the form and don't have to fear the promised prison sentence for lying about your income. But I still had more than my share of rough nights wondering if my reward would ever come to rescue me from my finan toll-fre- first-bor- HELP SAVE AN ENDANGERED PLANET! o amid ill's COLDS Sign up for History 39 1R-- 1 39R-- 1 "World Peace & Citizenship Seminar," for two hours credit of for noncredit. Class meets Tuesday 6, in 101 Energy & p.m., September evenings, 7: ; Mines Classroom Bldg. Join Norman Cousins, Wayne Owens, Ed ; Firmage and other eminent U of U faculty for eleven weeks of lively discussion and debate about these critical issues facing the global community at the threshold of the 21st century. . 15-9:- 15 That's right! Cold pizza slices have returned! The perfect breakfast food only: 49 t per 927 slice 7 am 10 am. only hours old from "the pie" ;-' - 1 v 104 THE Eius 5 different breakfasts for a BUCK! ! Politics-- All . xv of Us to Travel on. . Debate between Gandhi and Rambo. Don Hanson, A Political Science. . 01 1 Better Dead than Red-Th- e Meaning of Freedom, Idealism, Martyrdom, and the Appeal of Dying for Causes. Bill Whisner, Philosophy. Race-Th- e Meaning of Security, Defense, ana War. Wayne "! Owens, Congressman. , 1018 The Arms GUY 273 SOUTH 1300 EAST i 1 Spaceship Earth for World Citizenship-Buildin- g Alan Coombs, History. Power ; U 1025 The United Nations-Ca- 11 It n s Black, History. 1 Sowing and Cultivating Sandra Taylor, History. ' 118 Sovereignty of Nations-Intern- Become a World Government? Joseph Democracy-Th- 1115 World Law and e Ugly and Beautiful American. and External Sovereignty. Ed Firmage, al Law Peace-I- s it Possible-o- r Impossible Dream? harlod v. Bauman, History. ! LUMP BETWEEN LOWER LIP ni AND GUM. BAD BREATH 1 122 Using World Resources Wisely. Daved Temme, Biology. 1 129 The Global TWITCHY, WIRED LOOK CAUSED BY NICOTINE. 1 25 . A high nicotine content makes smokeless tobacco just as addicting as cigarettes. 126 a.small World After Economy-It'- s Monday, Highland High School Auditorium-Healin- g All. ; E.K. Hunt, Economics. of Nations and : People. Norman Cousins. . Global Communications-TranscendinAvery, Communication. g National Boundaries. Robert REGISTER NOW AT THE ANNEX BUILDING, EAST WING. STAINED FINGERS. STUBBORN ATTITUDE. TOBACCO-STAINE- WONT LISTEN TO SOUND MEDICAL D mm ADVICE. TEETH f CO DRIBBLE CUR TIN BULGES AND RING. J WHITE PATCHES AND SORES. Leukoplakia. In time, could lead to oral cancer. V RECEDING GUMS. c::::sbfc:id:?s. DONT USE SNUFF OR CHEWNG TOBACCO. I ) ,'..! 'i NO FRIENDS. TOBACCO JUICE. AMB3CAN CANCER SOOETY t d. |