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Show Th Daily Utah Chronic!. Friday. Jun 4. 1982 Pgt Nina (VOUtt WEEKLY DEADER Here are this week's items that didn't happen, but might have. EDINBURGH. Scotland John Paul II. THE UNIVERSITY OF UTAH reportedly caught a glimpse of the Loch Ness monster Wednesday. The head of the Roman Catholic Church has always been interested in scientific matter, so he asked his chauffeur to stop the limousine as the entourage passed the famous abode of Nessie. Sources in the pope's retinue say the monster surfaced some 15 yards from the edge of the loch, winked, then genuflected and took a dive back down into the chilly waters. The pope immediately said a mass on the shores of the loch. The event will be referred to in the future as the Loch Mass. President Ronald Reagan signed a document Thursday that will virtually put an end to public education. The document, entitled "Taking Education out of the Schools," will take effect July 1 . All public schools will be closed, and 3$a "Don't do as I do; do as I say do," the legislator told reporters as he was being taken to jail. the first pope to visit Great Britain, WASHINGTON Wt& TONIGHT Margaret Pynchon, ownerpublisher of the Los Angeles Tribune, has purchased the Daily Utah Chronicle. Lou Grant will be editor-in-chifor the 1 982-8- 3 year. The staff which ef had previously been named will be unemployed next year and will be replaced other Tribune employees. "Since CBS cancelled Lou's program, I thought it only fitting to find some kind of work for him," Pynchon told reporters. "Salt Lake City is certainly not Los Angeies, but it will provide him with something to do." Grant is elated about the possibilities, according to informed sources. "It will really be a challenge dealing with such a deprived area. haven't had to deal with such a narrow-minde- d atmosphere since I tried to reason with the Screen Actors Guild. It will be almost like doing mission work." If Lou's looking for mission work, this is the place. UNIVERSITY OF UTAH A section editor of the Daily Utah Chronicle suffered near-fatinjury Wednesday when a lightning bolt shot down into the Chronicle office. Having received two letters from a person who signed them "God," the section editor had refused to print them because they did not contain a Social Security number. The editor apparently got the message. From by I education will become the responsibility of the home. "Nancy and I have talked it over and we don't think it's necessary for anyone to be more educated than we are," the president said. This trend will affect 99 percent of the population of the United States, the other 1 percent being Washing ton bureaucrats and members of Reagan's immediate family. SALT LAKE CITY- -A member of the Utah Legislature was arrested Monday for movie. attending a screening of an The movie was being shown by a local porn house, and the house was raided during the screening. The irony of the situation was that this legislator had been campaigning against children's exposure to sexual material. al her hospital bed, she instructed her Chronicle lackeys to print the letters at the earliest possible date. Amen. UNITED STATES OF AMERICA Firemen all across the country have been mmLAC FRIDAY PLANET EARTH instructed by conservative groups, which are taking the law into their own hands in many major cities, to burn all books. "We are tired of trash being imposed on our children," a local vigilante said. When a fireman ran up to the vigilante with a stack of books, the vigilante said, "Burn them all." In the pile were the Bible, a copy of Shakespeare's complete plays and a copy of the Book of Mormon. The books were thrown into a bonfire that was burning at 451 F. "Experience keeps a dear school, fools learn in no other," Benjamin Franklin would say if there were any of his books left to race. A statue, in plastic, of Mickey Mouse stands quietly where the White House used to be. The Forbidden City has now been forgotten. Red Square is a dead square. The unharnessed wind, bearing radiation of unknown quantity, blows a pamphlet containing a "nuke the nukes" message. It d falls on the carcass of a girl. three-year-ol- The world is Pompeii. A fitting scene in the epitaph of the whole damned human race. Utah's joys grow dim, its glories pass away Change and decay in all around I see. Elder LeMon Peel read. STOIiMH STUDENT TH Bombs have exploded across the face of the planet. There are no humans left in sight, only remnants of a all UMRflEB FK 3 5 3 and idqzo giSbonzog "i PIZZA J' 00 present: AN ALL YOU CAN EAT PIZZA PARTY, AND PIZZA EATING CONTEST!!! Instructions: Color this ad, bring it in before 10 n m FRIDAY, anri nor in for 95! AS LOW AS 500 A MONTH Cal1 Redman 3 ftH Redman Mft?5?3S Van Co. Storage 328-858- 1 5 . 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