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Show Page A12 Thursday, July 9, 1987 Park Record I WtaM9yai . . . ...----. riif by Rick Brough Tammy endorses Mace Factor Y - Last week, we talked about the "Get rich quick" ads you see in cheap magazines, and how they are likely to change. Instead of courses, teaching you how to accumulate ac-cumulate wealth, the new entrepreneurs will sell your the secret of how to stay out of jail. But I think you will see changes in many other ads too. We're moving away from the stodgy, conservative Reagan years to a more liberal age. For instance, the old "Beach Bully" ad: First panel : We see the Beach Bully kicking sand in a smaller boy's face. Second Panel: The bully brags to his girlfriend, "That kid sure won't come around again! " But his girl is scornful: "Oh, aren't we impressive! im-pressive! Fascist! We're through. I hope you and your steroids will be very happy together! " Third panel: The bully is in his workshop, kicking holes in the concrete wall in frustration. "Darn! Cindy says I shouldn't bash people's faces in and I know she's right. But it feels so darn good! " He holds a magazine in his hand, and says: "It claims here that Alan Alda's six-week six-week course will develop my sense of compassion and caring. What the heck ! I'll give it a chance." Fourth panel: The bully is transformed! The bulging muscles are gone, and his trim figure is clothed in a gray gabardine suit. With his grayish hair, glasses and pipe, he now looks like Phil Donahue. He reflects to himself: "Wow ! Alan Alda made me see how I was trapped by my insecurities and adolescent fears. Now I like myself more, so I can like everyone else more! Why, I would even enjoy the company of Libyans ! " Fifth panel: The bully is back at the beach. "There's that shrimpy guy again. Well, I'll give him an apology he'll never forget." Sixth panel: The bully tells the shrimp, "For a lot of years, I've only been able to put up a macho front. But I can look past it now. I'm so ashamed! Can we be friends?" , The shrimp replies, "Sure big fella. By the way, I want you to meet my other new friend Bern- rd Goetz ! " And that isn't the only ad you'll see. How about these: How to Pick Up Brainy V. i Yes, you may think the only great literature you can handle is Classic Comics. But just send away for my book of great pick-up lines and you can engage any woman you want in stimulating conversation, whether she be a Hegelian blond, feminist brunette or secular humanist redhead. Thrill women with remarks like these: "You're not Frances Farley? Gee, there's such a resemblance. Can you fix my slide rule? and What's a nice girl like you doing do-ing in an ontological paradox like this?" She will eagerly follow you to any library you choose. Use my techniques, and you'll have her between the shelves in no time. Hey kids! make lots of money this summer selling these handsome Asian and Latin American poppies. Here's what some of our young sales agents had to say . Jimmy V. (South Miami, Florida): "In just a few weeks of selling poppy plants and their associated products, pro-ducts, I made over 25 million dollars. People can't get enough of this amazing product. I don't have to worry about college. Now I can buy one! " Johnny B. (South Miami, Florida): "I've learned how to respond to opportunities like taking over Jimmy V's route after his mysterious disappearance in the Everglades. Poppy sales are great! " Joey C. (Took over south Miami route after accidental disembowelment of Johnny B.) "Yeah, Yeah, I was thrilled. I really, really need to go to the airport. I need to catch a plane to anywhere! Can I go now please?" "Hi, I'm Tammy Faye Baker. Y'know, if you're like me, your little make-up demons get goin' and you want to maintain a lustrous, youthful appearance. But once you're all beautied up, you're worried you will attract the gutter trash and sewer scum that lurk in our cities (giggle!). "Well, you can be beautiful and safe with my new creation Mace Factor, make-up and skin conditioner. New Mace Factor cleans your pores, keeps the skin moist, and brings a red glow to your cheek. At the same time, it's lethal fragrance incapacitates attackers up to 25 yards away. "Mace Factor it may be nasty, but the Lord says I'm worth it." by Terl Gomes The floats, the flags,the Fourth It's just a slice of Americana; the kids, the dogs, the flags and the floats. Fourth of July, Park City-style has become one of my favorite holidays. I don't remember any parades down Main Street growing up-The -Parade took place in the town next door and rarely included any familiar faces to me. Fireworks also happened in the neighboring town and the best thing to do was drive to some hillside in your car and ohh and ahh along with the rest of passengers in other cars. On those rare occasions we went to visit my grandparents grand-parents at their southern California beachhouse for the Fourth we were at least treated to a tremendous firework show over the ocean. Pinwheels were nailed to fenceposts and spun sparks on the sand and " snakes" billowed their black smoke on the cement patio. When I lived at Tahoe the Fourth was a zoo. Bumper to bumper tourists would drive around the lake until dark. Then the magic parade of boat lights would begin as hundreds hun-dreds of crafts from all over the Tahoe Basin would converge con-verge upon the Commons beach in Tahoe City for the huge firework display. People would jump from boat to boat and visit as the sky filled with bursts of light. When the show was over the boats would head back to their various docks with their headlilghts shimmering on the water. It was nice but... Main Street, Park City, U.S.A. for the Fourth is the just the best. The parade is comprised of everyone you know, any kid can enter on any bike or float or on foot. There's enough candy thrown no kid goes home empty-handed empty-handed and there's a great sense of comarderie along the street. Jess Reid and that other guy have announced the festivities for years and are always just on the edge of good taste. The judges sit high above the street ( The Old Towne Shoppes for the past few, The Club for years before that) and they take their charge seriously. Fire engines and police cars share the air with their sirens, cheerleaders yell out cheers, and beauty queens wave from floats year after year. The Park City High School Band (which I venture to say will soon rivel Lagoon's) has made a comeback in recent years under Bill Hunhke's direction after a too long absence from the street. Lynn Anderson of the Park City Museum turned to me during the festivites and said "You know, it's so special to think about all the parades, over the years, that have made their way down Main Street..." And I nodded. For just a moment things seemed sepia-toned and I realized the ghosts of marching bands and pretty girls on horseback and clowns with balloons were somehow mingled on that street. Before Jess had started announcing with that other guy he had told me how much fun he always with his parade job. "I'm convinced," he said with great sincerity," sinceri-ty," there is simply no better place to live." Down on the street a Deer Valley matron in her proper red, white and blue matched outfit waved her little flag with equal excitement for both the children's float and the rugby players float. At City Park earlier in the morning morn-ing the Mormon church members held what appeared to be their most succesful breakfast ever while the Rotary Club served coffee to those who need a certain amount of unleaded to get the day going. And it struck a vein with me both Lynn and Jess were right- what we have here is place like no other so long as we remember we are part of a colorful town with a colorful color-ful past. A town that made room for everybody. Park City is still a place with character and characters. You can see it on days like the Fourth of July. Ju-ly. What could be more American that that. . . Old Town Locksmith Who's Knocking at your door? Special July Sale!! Door Viewer (full view-190) $29.95 Installed $19.95 Senior Citizens 442 Main Street A ' - - - J' r fll I I III I III! II I 1 1 1 1 II 1 1 Ml M 1 1 II 1 1 ITT IllHil l 1MI -MlllfaHtMrtHlllhl I'l l M MlflMl i I I I h w n Marigold Patio & Grill Now open for lunch! Located at the Resort Center Plaza, The Marigold Patio offers the most delectable mountain view in town, surpassed only by our superior grill specialties. Join us on the patio daily from 1 1 130 a.m.-2:30 n.m. 649-7062 u . . - I . . . ............................. ,.. .... . . Sundance Summer Theatre PRESENTS Enjoy a scenic drive from Park City. Sundance offers musical entertainment in its 18th season under the stars. ANNIE plays nightly at 8:30, Monday through Saturday. Beginning Begin-ning July 11 and continuing through Labor Day weekend, Annie alternates nightly with the all-time favorite SEVEN BRIDES FOR SEVEN Brothers. (Annie plays even calendar days. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers plays odd calendar days.) Restaurants Come early and enjoy dinner in the rustic but elegant Tree Room. Native American art is displayed with memorabilia from various Robert Redford films. Or for a lighter fare, try our other fine restaurant the Grill Room offering hamburgers to steaks. Dine outside with weather permitting. MOUNTAIN INNS If you would like to stay the night, spend the evening in one of our unique Mountain Inns scattered among the pine and aspen. For more information and reservations, call 225-4107. 645-8382 1 |