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Show AH the news feat's fit to fabricate TP IQ(E (BWi Park City, Utah 250 Vol. VI, No. 29 Wednesday, April 1, 1981 2 Sections, 24 Pages U nU UL Town tower fontec Buying time for Doomsday Concern over the possible deployment deploy-ment of the MX missile in Utah has spurred the growth of a new timeshare concept in the Park City area. The Newspaper has learned that construction soon will begin on a vast new complex of underground bomb shelters, and that the management company plans to offer, for about $20,000 two-week parcels in the unit of one's choice in perpetuity. Dubbed Soviet Roulette or Spin the Missile by its detractors, the plan offers the purchaser one chance in 26 of being saved in, the event of an all-out nuclear war. "Will you be allowed to live through a nuclear attack?" challenges the what amounted to a life insurance policy. The salesman looked astonished. "I can't believe you would put a monetary value on the lives of yourself and your family," he said. "Of course you know this offer is good forever, not just for this nuclear war but the ones fought by your heirs as well." The salesman pointed out that each unit is tastefully decorated in gun-metal gun-metal grey with lead drapes and furniture bolted securely to the floor. He also revealed plans for a security device to keep out unwanted visitors trying to avoid nuclear destruction. "It operates on the same principle as the tire rippers you see at parking lots," he explained. "You can get out all 'Where would you rather be when the nukes start flying?" company's new brochure. As a promotional device, the company com-pany is offering free shuttle service via armored personnel carrier to the sales presentation. "Just look at it as an investment in your future," said a spokesman for the company, Bomb-ex Properties. "Where would you rather be when the nukes start flying? he asked. "Lying defenseless on a beach at Bear Lake, or snug in your own civil defense unit?" One skeptic pointed out that the asking price figured out to be more than $500,000 a year, a steep price to pay for right, but if you turn around and try to get back in...." He inflated his cheek then slapped it with the palm of his hand. The salesman added, in his best off-the-record manner, that the company com-pany was recruiting as many Mormon families as it could. "You know that obsession they have about keeping a year's supply of everything? Well, if we work it right and get a few in each unit, there will be enough f ood for everyone He smiled. "Then we can add that to our sales pitch, too." 1 1 The City Council Thursday revealed plans to ask local voters to approve bonds for the construction of a 120-foot observation tower in the parking lot of the Mt. Air Cafe. In presenting the proposal at the public hearing, Councilwoman Helen Alcatraz argued that the city could soon recoup its investment by installing coin-operated turnstiles at the bottom of the stairwells, like those now in use at airport observations decks. "I can forsee the day that this structure will attract as many visitors during the summer as the Park City Ski Area does during the winter," she intoned into a KPCW microphone. "It will be worth everv penny we sink into it." According to preliminary estimates, the structure would cost about $750,000. "But you've got to keep in mind that that's not much more than you would pay for a Park Avenue condo," traz added, trying to keep the issue in perspective. She predicted that people would willingly come for miles, pay a quarter and climb the tower to view Park City's million-dollar baby: the municipal golf course. "It's got to be a big hit with the locals," she continued. "Let's put it this way: when you invest your life savings in a 10-carat diamond for your fiance, you don't let her bury it in the back yard." When pressed to continue, Alcatraz obliged. "We're just trying to rectify past mistakes," she said. "Somehow nobody realized this new 3,000-room hotel would extend around the whole perimeter peri-meter of the golf course. -4 ,t "Once this hotel is built, our citizens will have to ride to the top of the Ski Team chair to get a look at their own open space." Alcatraz reasoned that, since the Ski Team lift doesn't run much in the summer, people would flock to the new tower. Alcatraz compared the municipal golf course to the Hogle Zoo. "Green space in Summit County is going the way of the dodo bird," she said. "People should have the chance to take their children to see the grass. It w ill be a great novelty ." However, the Alcatraz tower proposal propo-sal brought sharp criticism from local architect Bill Mammary. "You'd better put some gargoyles and parapets on that tower," he urged. "We must protect the architectural heritage of our community." Mammary predicted the planning commission would also demand the construction of a Vioorian-style parking structure to supply at least .73 spaces per visitor. That remark brought solar salesman ,lim Kroilme to his feet. Broilme asked the council to design the structure on a huge lazy susan so it could be rotated to face the sun. The observation tower plan was shelved after council members agreed to appoint members to serve on a committee to study the feasibility of conducting a feasibility study of the plan. Make census make sense In a renewed effort to come up with an accurate count of the number of local residents, City Manager Marlene Mogul last Thursday Thurs-day provided the council with some novel ways of improving on the 1'jfiO census. Mogul said the ideas came out of a brainstorming session involving herself and Finance Director Six Pence. Here, then, are their suggestions sugges-tions for taking an accurate count of the population of Park City: Count the number of stray dogs and divide by two. Pass the word that there's free beer at the Cowboy Bar, then count the people coming in. - Close the Park City Ski Area on the best powder day of the season and count the complaints. Open up a Drug Enforcement Agency office on Main Street, then count the people as they leave town. -Count the number of real estate agents and divide by two. -Count the number of herpes cases and multiply by five. Count the number of locals who ride the bus, then add 5,000. Count the number of people who read the Park Record, then add 5.00(1. Count the number of votes cast by Park City residents in the average election, then add 4,990. Count the number of people who read The Newspaper's April Fools edition. 4 Park City or bust' says Dolly Parton A model shelter, as seen from ground level. The entertainment world was shocked this week by the news that singing superstar Dolly Parton was quitting show business. The building and zoning world was even more shocked wrhen Parton announced her: dream was to find a job with a smalltown small-town planning department. "The handsome Hollywood leading men, the premieres, the bright lights, and the thousands of cheering fans were alright for a while," said Parton. "But deep inside, I've always known there's nothing like getting your hands dirty on a set of fresh blueprints-grappling blueprints-grappling with setbacks, zone variances, varian-ces, and height limitations. This is what I was meant to do!" Parton appeared before the Park City Planning Commission in tight pants and a seethrough sweater. "I want to present my qualifications for this job as clearly as possible," she said. After a short recess (to allow the steam on commissioner Burnedout Wattage's glasses to dissipate), the board discussed the matter in earnest. The star said she already had submitted submit-ted her preliminary plats to new chairman Greg Lockjaw, who apparently apparent-ly had studied them closely, since he sat silently throughout the meeting with a smile that one observer later described as "goofy-looking." City Planner Bill Lickety-Split said that while he was inclined to accept Par-ton's Par-ton's application, he had some questions about her topographical layout. lay-out. "We're dealing here with a slope of over 25 percent," said Lickety-Split, "and while that may not look like much here, it's quite another thing if you take it oi't on the hillsides and try it out." "How about a walking tour, Bill," suggested Councilman Mike Vamp. "Isn't there a question of aesthetics here," said board member Rusty Fender. Fen-der. "Now, I'm no architect. Everybody Every-body knows the only reason I'm on the board is because I'm the only one who owns a carpenter's level. But I'd like to ask Bill Manna what he thinks of the architectural guidelines. Is it really compatible with the Park City look?" "Dolly certainly fits within the height limitations," said Manna. "There are some definite overhang problems, and the commission might investigate the chances of developing air rights in certain cer-tain areas. As for whether it fits with the Park City look, who gives a damn?" "A walking tour sounds like a good idea, Bill," suggested councilman Mike Vamp. Commissioner Coleman Lantern noted that this was the fourth time that Parton had applied for a job with the city. "Here you come again," he said, "looking better than a body has a right to." Parton promised she would be an efficient ef-ficient and punctual city worker. "I'll be on the job from 9 to 5," she said. She also had some original ideas on changing the Land Management Code. For one thing, she said, the city should invent a large number of new zoning classifications, so the color-coded zoning map will have a lot more variety. "It'll look a lot prettier," she recommended, recom-mended, "like the coat of many colors my mamma made for me." "Say, Bill, a walking tour might be a good way to resolve this," suggested councilman Mike Vamp. Local residents take call for cutbacks to heart The mood of the country is one of austerity these days. From Washington to Salt Lake to Summit County, the message is, "cut back. Learn to do without." Yes, Americans are finding out that some of those so-called "essential items" really are not necessary. And nowhere has this been demonstrated more dramatic y than in Park City. The member ' he City Council led the way last week by conducting last week's meeting in the Memorial Building Build-ing without their heads. The headless City Council received rave reviews from citizens attending this meeting. "The meeting went much faster than usual," reported KPCW reporter Flair Feuledup. "There wasn't a lot of that unnecessary arguing that usually holds up the agenda. In my considered opinion, this town can be run quite well by a brainless City Council." The council decided to leave their he - ;s at home after Mayor Jack Beige r ived t form letter sent by federal uuuet ri '.it1 David Stockman to all small-to. yois. "Despite the Democratic Dem-ocratic propaganda of the last 25 years, American citizens have no constitutional constitution-al right to a complete set of organs, appendages, or other vital bodily parts. "This is not necessarily a hardship lor the average American citizen," Stockman w rote. "After all, look at me. I've never had a heart, and I'm doing all right!" Stockman's message has inspired the entire town, and the citizenry is discarding dis-carding bodily parts right and left. In a dramatic noontime ceremony, City Planner Lickety-Split ripped off his mustache, leaving it in safe-keeping of councilwoman Helen Alcatraz. "Remember. "Re-member. I want it back in a few months," he joked through bruised lips. At the same time, Lickety-Split denied that the planning staff had given up their backbones a rumor that brought developers rushing to the Marsac School with plans for a 135-unit condo project on Rossi Hill; a six-story hotel in Thaynes Canyon, and other exciting projects they had been sitting on. "We've got as much spine as we ever did," said Lickety-Split. Snyderville Basin District Director Bruce Dreck said staffers had given up their noses and nasal passages. "We were glad for the excuse to do it," said Dreck, in a whiny voice. "It makes our job a lot easier." City Hall secretaries threw away their ears. The Newspaper visited City Hall, and while phones rang furiously around us, we asked one secretary, "Why did you discard the ears?" "Huh?" she replied, smiling broadly and continuing to file her nails. There have been misunderstandings and some arguments. Disappointed citizens were told that they could not turn in dentures, or hair clippings from the barbershop floor as vital bodily parts. And a group of tourists complained com-plained to city officials after they entered a topless bar and found the waitresses were too topless to suit them. Last week, the city held a Bizarre Body Bazaar in the Memorial Building where prizes were given lor the most unusual recombination of body parts. The grand prize was won by everybody's every-body's friend at the Chamber of Commerce, Com-merce, Bonnie Brochure, who had discarded most of her torso, and was now walking around with her head comfortably perched on her pelvis. The Newspaper was able to interview Bonnie Bon-nie after her victory: N: Congratulations. Bonnie. Can you tell us a little something about this change, and the el'tect it's had on vour life? lili: I'm glad you asked that. Actually, Actual-ly, it's been a very profound experience; experi-ence; it's taught me to appreciate the world around me. I stop and smell the roses above my head. I take time to look at the delicate contours of the concrete curbing on Main Street Of course, when cars drive by I also get slush thrown in my face. N: There are disadvantages to this, then? KB: Oh, sure, like the bad jokes. I've always got people yelling, "Watch out! Low Bridge!" or they're asking me, "See any good butts down there?" It's the kind of prejudice you have to expect trom the ignorant. V Anything else? UK: Yes. I've begun to form meaningful mean-ingful relationships with dogs. I realize now they have finer, truer instincts than human beings ... Oh! that reminds me, I've got to run. There's a new garbage bin opening at the bottom of Swede Alley, and I promised the girls I'd help them rummage through the scraps. |