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Show Vernal Express Wednesday. October 25, 2000 1 1 ft ft HtwA I PL .rmcmm I X. I a When tio burn and not tio burn I - ( ) -- When a man won't talk A common complaint about men in marriage is that they are withdraw during arguments and refuse to discuss dis-cuss issues that are important to their wives. When this becomes a pattern in marriage, it is destructive and often intensifies conflict between them. The wife pursues and the man runs away. Women, if asked about their anger, explain that they arc not angry but are trying to discuss, in an animated way, an issue of vital importance to themselves and the relationship. They feel they are trying to resolve a difference between them - and that their mate over-interprets their emotion emo-tion as anger. If women do acknowledge their anger, they explain that it as an attempt to break through when all other methods of communicating have failed. Their anger demonstrates demon-strates their care and anxiety to make a change in their relationship. It also indicates their level of frustration frus-tration with the inability to engage in a problem-solving process with their spouse. They come to feel that their husbands' failure to respond to their concerns is a calculated way of maintaining power or control in the marriage. Why men run away It is true that some men use withdrawal with-drawal to control the agenda of w hat gets talked ubout and what doesn't However, for sonic men, there is another explanation. Men may be wired to fight the sabre-toothed tiger but they feel helpless in the face of a female "assault" where force is not an option. They don't know how to deal with a woman's anger, tears or biting criticism. Instead of reacting back with anger, calmly listening to their spouse, or engaging in a dialogue about the issue at hand, they retreat. A man on the receiving end of these angry complaints feels hurt, angry or defensive. His wife is well-armed well-armed w ith a litany of well thought out complaints, weaknesses and failures fail-ures described in vivid and graphic detail. Her memory for past hurts is unforgivingly precise. His explanation in the past haven't been good enough. When he has tried to explain himself he has dug an even deeper hole. He feels out-argued and out matched by his righteously indignant and verbally skilled wife. So what does he do? He does like other brave, masculine compatriots of his gender would do - he withdraws. He sulks He gets even by not cooperating. Even if he feels his wife's pain, he can't bring himself to comfort her because of his own wounded pride and martyred self-pity. Being macho, he doesn't let on how badly he is hurt by her cutting remarks or his sense of helplessness to communicate commu-nicate his side of the matter. He just hopes the issue will go away. He slips into a sanctuary of silence. W hy women pursue How docs a woman react to a man who dismisses her and refuses to have a dialogue about her concerns? She becomes more angry and frustrated. frus-trated. His unwillingness to talk to Uintah County Animal Shelter IPeH ff Fte Teeh r . j. - . Adult, female husky mix is very friendly and has a black collar and is available for adoption. This animals or many others are available for adoption at the Uintah County Animal Shelter, 789-5601. There are also many other varieties of pets to be adopted from the Uintah County Animal Shelter. Their hours are Monday Friday 9 a.m. 5 p.m. and Saturdays until 12 noon. her about her concerns makes her wonder if he doesn't care. She feels lonely and neglected. So what does she do? She steps up the pressure. She tires to break through with greater force and insistence. insis-tence. Her efforts to communicate her unhappiness and displeasure results in more withdrawal and camouflaged cam-ouflaged combat that spread to other aspects of their marriage. Breaking the pattern ' If you are a woman in this type of scenario, what would you do to break this escalating pattern of anger, withdrawal and poor problem-solving? Getting angry and confrontational doesn't work. 1. Talk less and listen more. Listen to his feelings and draw him out in an atmosphere that is safe. Summarize his concerns in a caring way and show him you understand the point he is trying to make. Let him know that you respect his opinion opin-ion and that it matters what he thinks. Don't come across as always being "right." Be open to influence by what he says. Consider his ideas before responding. Don't interrupt Let him explain himself fully before asking for the floor. Put yourself in his shoes and show empathy for the position he perceives himself to be in. 2. Ask open-ended questions. "So what do you think?" or, "Why do you think that happened?" Be curious. curi-ous. Spend time getting to know his logic. Don't react with disbelief or negative body language. Take your time and get to the bottom of his thinking before giving a counterargument counter-argument or position. 3. Stay calm. Practice a slow, soft warm-up to the issue at hand. Express your positive intent to resolve difficulties and reaffirm your love before launching off into your side of the issue. Voice your complaints and concerns with a calm tone of voice. Remember, it is your anger that intimidates him. 4. Express your appreciation. After a discussion, express your appreciation for his discussing the matter with you. Reaffirm your love again. ' What is the husband's responsibility? responsibil-ity? He needs to verbalize his side of the issue. He has to do his part to open up the dialogue. He has to trust that his wife will be open-minded and treat his point-of-view with respect He has to learn to listen to anger or emotion without overreacting. overreact-ing. Listening means summarizing her points in a caring way. By trying to understand his wife's concerns when she is upset, he show s his love for her. By being willing to work with her on problems gives her hope that changes she needs in the relationship rela-tionship can be negotiated - and so can his. For more ideas on marital communication, commu-nication, visit Val Farmer's website at valfarmer.com. Val Farmer is a clinical psychologist psycholo-gist with MeritCare in Fargo, N.D. He specializes in rural mental health and family business consultation. 2000 The Preston Connection Feature Service. TrlCounty Health Department Wood-burning appliances and outdoor out-door burning of debris and leaves are among the primary sources of air pollution. These sources emit high concentrations of particulates, carcinogens, carbon monoxide, and other respiratory irritants and toxins directly into the air we breathe. This air pollution injures the health of children and adults in the home as well as the health of surrounding sur-rounding neighbors. So the question to burn or not to burn becomes a critical health concern and an air pollution concern. Burn windows for outdoor burning burn-ing and requirements for wood-burning wood-burning stoves and fireplaces have been established. These rules play a part in reducing the air pollutants emitted into the air. Outdoor burning Two burn windows have been set up during the year when weather conditions are good for burning. The local Fire Marshals must designate desig-nate a 30-day time period for burn Business interest By Jay Haslem, Express Writer Glade Allied is the street superintendent superin-tendent for the city of Vemal, and also is 50 percent owner of Uintah Video, located in the Ashton building. build-ing. There have been complaints that a Vernal City truck has been 8ggffl 'sa r Rink- n DRAW A FACE, COLOR THE GHOST. AND ENTER TO WIN! OR STOP IN FOR FREE DECORATIONS AND TRICK-OR-TREAT1NG. COLLECT FIVE SPECIAL EDITION HALLOWEEN ILLUSTRATIONS A Ckot. a Priaccss. 1 Pirate too. A Witch, a Cowboy-ill (or yoa! These adorable iUastratioas arc perfect for Halioveca viado. Collect all tit ghastly little ghoak They're free while sapp lie last bat harrrl ENJOY SAFE TRK3COR TREATING UTut ' Hilloweca vitboat trkk-or-treatiag? Briag the kids 10 Zroat Baak for ufe trickor trci!isg. Tell fin thea t free safety reflector to itu o Halioveca tight. Bat doa forget yoat bag! ing in each area. In the spring, the burn window cannot start prior to March 30, and must end prior to May 31. In the fall, the burn window win-dow cannot start prior to Sept. IS, and must be prior to Oct 3 1 . During the spring bum window, no permit is required to burn. During the fall bum window, a permit is required. Central dispatch must be notified of all burning activities. They will tell you if conditions are right for burning and if the burn window has been designated. Each city and county has different burning regulations regula-tions in addition to state requirements. require-ments. Contact your city offices for burning within city limits. For burning burn-ing in the county, contact the District Fire Warden. For agricultural agricultur-al burning (10 acres or more) contact con-tact Forestry, Fire and State Lands. The clearing index should be above 500 for all burning. Lawn clippings, bushes, plants, and tree prunings can be burned. The material mater-ial must be thoroughly dried before burning. Household garbage, rubbish, rub-bish, oil, plastic, or tires cannot be burned at any time. These items should be taken to the landfill. parked out behind Uintah Video for hours at a time. Council members were concerned that this would conflict con-flict with city time. Allied knows that his job with the city w ill come first Allred was asked to use another anoth-er vehicle, other than a city vehicle to go back and forth to Uintah Video. : Ulloxrccn Mayor William J. Kremin Jr., along with Donna Trotter, declare Oct 16-20. National Business Women's Week. National Women's Week held Oct. 16-20 By Jay Haslem, Express Writer A proclamation was presented to the city council on Wednesday night that will declare the week of Oct 16 - 20, National Business Women's Week. The proclamation states that "Working women constitute 62.7 million of the nation's work force..." and "Major goals of business busi-ness and professional women are to fc and KjOdiw' ENTER OUR SPOOKY LITTLE COLORINC CONTEST Color the pktarc ahoe aad draw a paaipkia face to i a ecw tS) saviags acxoaat at each bratxkl Colons coatett carries he jadged oa artist writ i foar age categories. Pick f additioaal coloring (orats at Zksm Baak, or photocopy this ad. st he sarc to drop off a completed pKtare at yoar hxal Zas Bask by October 30th. Oae pic rare pet child, please. 2IONS BANK WE HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN WHO KEEPS US IN BUSINESS.'" promote equality for all women and to help create better conditions for business women through the study of social, educational, economic and political problems." Mayor William J. Kremin Jr.. urges "All citizens in the city of Vemal. all civic and fraternal groups, all educational associations, all news media and other community communi-ty organizations to join in this salute to working women." I t |