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Show Friday, March 26, 1971 SIGNPOST Page 9 By Jim Chaffin Natural Verushka Schwartz lives dangerously. She smokes un-filtered cigarettes, filling her already polluted lungs with smoke that --she is reminded three times a day, each time she reaches for a fresh pack - may be hazardous to her already precarious health. Verushka, weighing in at 173 pounds in her school gym shorts, has a slight tendency to overweight, so ail her drinks -- coffee, Daiquiri and soft contain cyclamates, which aren't easy to get these days. But Verushka perseveres. And--get this: her salt isn't iodized. Verushka, A Good Catholic, is on The Pill takes them religiously every a.m., making her susceptible to clotting blood and cervicle cancer. Helping her ailing condition along are the pep pills she takes during the week and the LSD she devours. Verushka is daily losing 7,364,098 chromosomes from her withering cells. During the week, she digests ground beef-not ground round and her breaking heart is overflowing with saturated fats, if you can imagine that! Her ulcer is fed with potato chips and french fries, and her little liver is nightly infested with liquor, mixed and un. Her deodorant - when she uses one is not Extra Dry. Her clothes are not wash and wear. Not even drip dry. She Smokes Pot She smokes pot, she drives a car, she opens her umbrella indoors; doesn't knock wood; puts her shoes on the table. Her cat is a carrier; she charcoals her steaks; cooks all her food in micro-wave ovens; takes plane rides; crosses against the light-and who knows what her pet boa constrictor can do? "At the rate I'm going," Verushka says with a sickly sigh, "I figure I've got about 3y2 minutes left to live." Pity poor Verushka. But in those 3 minutes, Verushka a university student with a double major in Health and Home Ec- said she wanted to give the free world some valuable and meaningful advice. Help Red Cross Help Others by King National Cartooniitt goclaty Rick Mitz Causes "Be careful what you do. Never leave your room. It's just not safe to go outside. It's no longer safe," Verushka' said, "to drink, think, swallow or wallow. It's not safe to rest, digest, perspire or tire. It's not safe to eat, excrete, diet or try it. It's not safe to masticate, fornicate, smoke or choke..." And then Verushka, who, incidentally, also has bad breath, went into a coma. In her will, she requested to be cremated - "so that my ashes can scurry through all the hills and valleys, through the cities and the country - and pollute the whole bloody world. "I want to die dangerously, too." She was smiling when she passed away. The doctors decided that Verushka Schwartz died of natural causes. fi38tf ODD By Dean PHOOEY WITH CLEAN AIR Causes are popular these days. Activated students picket for clean air, clean water, clean cars, stop the war, bomb Hanoi, get funds for the library, etc., etc., etc. Keeping with the trend, I too have a cause: let me rest in peace. I'm not out to save the world. All I want is to be left alone. Yet, I am constantly accosted by belligerent activated students who try to bud in on my T.V. time by drafting me into their "picking up garbage cam-pain" or their "write the senator cam-pain."Son-of-a-gun I figure my senator's trash can is brimful with mail without my letter being added to it, and picking up trash has never been one of my strong points. However, these LIZ oessai ill-j a:': - ctErrr TJ77 by Early last week for the first time in the history of TV, the 13th annual Grammy Awards were presented live from the Hollywood Palladium. The telecast progressed cum-bersomely even by award show standards, the ineptness highlighted by the brainless stuttering of Brook Benton. Andy Williams did an adequate stint as host adlibbing some sharp quips. Ogden's Osmonds got the show off to a disgusting start with their version of "Everything Is Beautiful." Actually this group has flawless coordination and locomotion on stage, but the horrendous vocals are too much to bear. They somehow do not drive their performances home. The Osmonds seem to concentrate too much on cuteness and not enough on pure creativity, if they have any. The sound of young Donny Osmond is shrill and irritating, but he does perform with poise well beyond his years. Canadian songstress Anne Murray gave the most outstanding performance of the night with James Taylor's "Fire and Rain." Dionne Warwick was ?S 9 Thompson belligerent activists just won't leave me alone. Just a few weeks back as I was crawling out of the northeast entrance of the Fine Arts building an activist accosted me, and asked me if I was interested. "No!" I ferociously declared. Like most activated students he completely ignored my eloquent response, and set about trying to get my name scrawled across his petition. (I fail to recall what his cause was, but I'm sure my day will be complete if I should be so unfortunate as to remember it.) When I refused to scrawl, this activated student very belligerently attacked me (verbally of course), and ran the gamut of causes which I ought to join. He gave me the usual tripe about the trashy lakes, monodioxidized air, Laos stinks, children are starving, the library stinks, etc., etc., etc. I stared him down in mid- CLAS THINK RIVER 392-4588 TRIPS Charlie Poll, we appreciate your information. Please come to the Signpost office and give us more information. It would help if you could write a letter. Ambitious girls, fu!! or part rime. W'iii train. Kor . terview, phone 394-2111. after 7 p.m. Men wanted: inside sales, Mon-Fri 5:15 to 9:15 p.m. Good salary, apply 2411 Kiesel Ave. WSC offers the two-)e;n Air Force ROTC program with pay. Remember, the autumn application deadline is very near. Call 322-6236. runner-up with a fine "Let It Be." Andy Williams did a sentimental salute to Henry Mancini, recipient of 52 Grammy nominations and winner of eighteen. Three Dog Night sang their dynamic new recording "Joy To the World." The Fifth Dimension trilled a beautifully inventive presentation of Record of the Year award by singing fragments of the five nominess and then parodying the pseudo-suspense of the evening. The Fifth Demension won Record of the Year of 1969 for "Aquarius-Let the Sunshine In." The highlight of the evening occurred when Paul McCartney showed up to accept his, John Lennon's, and George Harrison's Grammys for Best Movie Score ("Let It Be.") McCartney received a thunderous ovation corroborating the fact that he is still capable of generating excitement wherever he goes. Wife Linda Eastman accompanied clean-shaven Paul to the podium. Another Paul, Simon, and his partner Art Garfunkel ran off with the majority of the 1970 awards. The magnificent duo collected the three major ac- BEST WISHES Richard Harris is truly delighted that his former wife, Elizabeth, and Rex Harrison have wedding plans. Their marriage, according to the current issue of TV and Movie Screen, will save Richard $60,000 a year in alimony. LATE TO BED-LATE TO RISE Dinah Shore wanted Mae West to guest on her daily morning radio show, but received a polite demurral. The current issue of TV Picture Life magazine reports that Miss West replied: "I'd like to appear but I've never gotten up before 2 p.m. in my life." sentence, and eloquently declared that I dislike lakes, I own quite a bit of stock in a local gas mask manufacturing company, Laos is many miles away, I have a full belly, and I don't believe in libraries! Upon proclaiming my unbeliefs I waddled on past him, and over my shoulder threw him one last remembrance, "let me rest in peace." One man's blizzard is a-nother man's ski trip. HAVE YOU THOUGHT RIVER TRIPS YET. Phone 392-4588. Men of all trades to NORTH SLOPE, ALASKA, and th.? YUKON, a-roui. .1 $280; vX) a monrh. For complete information write to Job Research. P.O. Box 161, Sm-A, Toronto, Ont. Enclose S3. 00 to cover cost. Candidates can compare qualities conscientiously in the classifieds-corny. Classified rates: $1.00 for the first 15 words plus 5c for each additional word. Half price for additional runs. SIFIEDS colades, Record of the Year, Song of the Year and Album of the Year for their tremendous "Bridge over Troubled Water." Richard and Karen, otherwise known as Carpenters, won two golden statuettes for Best New Artists and Best performance by a chorus, group or duo for "Close to You." Other winners were Dionne Warwick for "I'll Never Fall In Love Again," Ray Stevens for "Everything Is Beautiful," Lynn Anderson for "Rose Garden" and Ray Price for "For the Good Times." Marty Robbins won Best Country Song for "My Woman, My Woman, My Wife." All the above titles reflect a substantial change in taste towards softer, melodic harmonies and orchestration.Aretha Franklin fractured the beautiful "Bridge Over Troubled Water" with some needless "Get It On" interjected into some stunning lyric poetry. But she proved she was still Lady Soul by gathering a Grammy for "Don't Play That Song." B.B. King won for "The Thrill is" Gone," Flip Wilson for "The Devil Made Me Buy This Dress," and Miles Davis was honored for, "Bitches Brew." The Grammy is the most coveted award in the field of recording - the highest honor a record can achieve. Even a nomination is a special honor. This year, the winners were especially well chosen by the 2500 members of the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences. Among deserving nominees, only James Taylor was omitted from the big award. Taylor created some peaceful fusions of soft rock and folk on his "Sweet Baby James" LP. YACHTING SUMMER POSITIONS The American Yachtine Associa tion with listings on the Eau Coast, West Coast, Gulf Area, and the Great Lakes is soliciting ror summer crew applicants. Positions are available for experienced as well as inexperienced male and female coHese students and graduates. Experience in cooking and child care may be particularly helpful. Crewmg affords one the opportunity to earn reasonable jirrK whilp pnasopH In nlatrtnt w ' i" piasaiii outdoor activity. J To a DDlv tvne a 1 ruu ' ' ' i o resume following as closely as jpossmie the torm shown below. n April your resume will be edited, printed and sent to approximately 1500-2500 (depending on area) large craft owners. RESUME FORM-h) name. address (home and school), ,phone number, age; (2) relevant Iwork or recreational exnerienre.i t(3) dates available and area(s): 1(4) 2 or more students wishing to work together? state name of Bother parties; (5) other informa tion. Send your resume with $6 processing fee to: American Yachting Association Suite 503, 8730 Sunset Blvd. Los Angeles, California 90069 Your resume must be received no later than March 26, 1971. |