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Show An Irish gentleman writes us to say that "not half the lies told about the Irish are true." "Well, wife, you can't say I ever contracted bad habits." "No, sir. You generally expand them." If a man begins life by being a first lieutenant in his family, he needn't look for any further promotion. A little boy in Georgia who wrote to Santa Claus for a pony, was wise enough to add "Poscrit. If he is a mule, please ?? his behind legs." Cutting off a hen's head will make her chicken. There is no other way to account for the fact that broiled hens are never found on restaurant bills of fare. A Boston newspaper somewhat sarcastically remarks "The police of New York are being vaccinated. But what's the use of it? They never catch anything." Indiana has a law to prevent weak minded people marrying. A crusty bachelor insinuates that the weak minded are the only persons who ever think of marrying. "What are eggs this morning?" "Eggs of course," says the dealer, humorously. "Well," adds the customer, "I am glad of it, for the last I bought of you were chickens." Fond mother (who has been teaching)-"Now, Augustus, and what is ??" Augustus (making a dash for it)-"Any ology that ?? ??. "But Miss Tompkins, do tell me now how old you are." "Oh! but I don't tell my age any more. I am just as old as I look-there!" "Indeed, I thought you much younger." When a sharp man wants to get a [unreadable] paper, he tell the proprietor he can say more mean things about the ?? than any other living man. And they always give him a chance. An Irish soldier called out to his companion. "Hello! Pat, I've taken a prisoner." "Bring him along, then, bring him along!" "He won't come." "Then come yourself." "He won't let me." A young man while out searching for his father's pig, accosted an Irishman as follows. "Have you seen a stray pig about here?" Pat responded, "?? how could I tell a stray pig from any other?" A Dutchman found his way into one of our local tonsorial rooms the other day, and upon being asked how often he shaved, replied, "Dree times a week, every day but Sunday; den I shaves every day." In Paris they have "heated" cabs. Mme. D- after taking one, shouts to the coachman: "See here cabby! is there no warm brick in this carriage?" "Yes, ma'am." "Then where is it?" "Under my feet." An old Scotch lady gave a pointed reply to a minister who knew he had offended her and who expressed suprise that she should come so regularly to hear him preach. Said she "My quarrel's wi' you, mon, it's not wi' the gospel." Many forms of sick excuses have been handed to the faculty, but a recent one completely paralyzed them. "Prof. X. Please excuse my absence from college duties last Monday and Tuesday. I was confined to my room by sea sickness." Capt. Norris says:-"It's drink, sorr, is the curse of ould Oirland. Drink that makes a man hate his wife, starve his children, go out to shoot his landlord-and miss him, too, he did!" "What is worse than freckles?" asks an exchange. "Corns, sonny, corns. They don't show so much when you're dressed up, but then if you keep straight no one can step on your freckles." A country editor in Michigan who couldn't make it pay, sings thusly. "Good-by" "Pull the bell gently" "This is our last kick" "We die easy!" "Bury us under a rose-bush!" "Listen to the mocking bird!" ??-"I think all girls are good and sweet," said an enthusiastic urchin-"Then where do the bad women come from?" asked his bachelor uncle-"Oh," he replied, "they're the sweet girls turned some!" What agonies must the poet have endured, who, writing of love asserted that "he kissed her under the silent stars," and found the compositor had made him decline that he "kicked her under the cellar stairs." She went into the meeting house-The meeting house of yore-Whose entrance boasted not the wide Capacious double door, And straightway did the postal jambs Remark with wisdom pat, There isn't room to enter here. Unless you doff your hat." Counsel should be careful to hit the right man when they throw ink-bottles at one another in court. Here we have a Missouri judge seriously injured by a blundering bottle-thrower. Martin Luther's example is a good one in many respects, but he aimed straight when he threw ink bottles. |