Show N NN H. H N i Fable of the Scoffer Who Fell Hard and the Woman Sitting By I By GEORGE ADE JI III I I III I II II I II I I I IU I III I III II t I t 1111 I I I I I IIII II r bt by br tho McClure Newspaper i NE day In tho pink dawn o of tile the present Century a man inai with his Hair neatly se set setback setback I back around the Ears nu and the fire usual Blood Pressure i 1 was whizzing through i a aL L suburban Lonesomeness onit on or 0 it teetering Trolley The Tho name of the theman theman theman man was ns Mr lie He had a desk with a n Concern that did dIll In tn a large way Mr feared Socialism and anO carried his Wife's Picture in his hits Watch and wore Plasters In other w words he was Normal believing nearly everything everything everything every every- thing that appeared in the Papers While the Fennel Dog was softly brushing the Foot Board and the tho Motor was purring consistently beneath Mr looked over Into a cropped close Pasture and ana became the alert EyeWitness Wit Eye ness of some very weird Doings He saw a pop popeyed pop eyed Person in soiled who made threatening movements move move- ments meats toward something concealed Inthe in inthe inthe the White Clover with n a Weapon resembling resembling reSembling re re- the Iron Dingus used in gouging gong gong- lag ing the Clinkers from a What is the plot of the Piece he Inquired of a Grand Army man sitting next L ilL think replied the V Veteran teran I III think he Is killing a n Garter Oh no spoke up the conversational conversation conversation- al nl Conductor He Is playing giving the word the Terre Torre Haute pro pro- Mr looked with ith pity on the poor Nut who was out in the Hot Sun getting himself nil all lathered up with One Man Shinny He ne said to G. G A. A R R. that it took all kinds of People to make a n World The grizzled Warrior arose to an equal Attitude Attitude At At- by remarking that If the dag- dag boned Loon had to do it for a a Living hed he'd think it was Work Mr had heard of the new Diversion for the Idle Rich just as people out in the Country hear henr of Sickness Milk or falling Meteors both bothwell bothwell I If f well authenticated but never i I While rummaging through the Sporting Sporting Sport Sport- ing Page he could come across a cr cryptic tIc lic Reference to MacFearson of Drum Drum- being 3 up and 2 to play on Hargis of Sunset Ho wl whereupon he would experience a n sense of Annoyance Annoyance Annoy Annoy- ance nce and do a quick k Hurdle He had seen in various Win Show dows the spindly Utensils and snowy Pellets which he had reason to believe bellec believe be be- lieve lle were affiliated in some way with the sickening Fad He would look at at them with extreme Contempt and rather rath rath- er resent their contaminating contiguity ity to the Mask the Shin-Guard Shin and the upholstered Grabber S. S Mr Ir y believed that Golf Colt was played by the kind of White Rabbits who march In Suffrage Parades wearIng wearing wear- wear Ing Gloves The dreaded Thing lay outside of his Orbit and beyond his Ken Keu th the same as Tatting or Biology His conception of ofa I I n a keen and sporty game was Pin Pool or Jacks Only with the Deuce running wild One Sunday he was invited out to a n Food Saturnalia at a Country The Dinner was postponed until late In Inthe Inthe inthe the Day because they all dreaded It so much Friend Host said he had a twosome on n at the Club and was trying out an Imported Cleek so he invited Mr Pall Pall- zey to be a Spectator If he had said that he was going up In a Balloon to hemstitch a couple of Clouds it would have sounded just as plausible to Mr of the Wholesale Wholesale Whole Whole- sale District The latter went along just out of Politeness but he was a good deal disappointed disappointed dis dis- appointed In his FrIend It certainly did seem trifling for for a weighing one hundred and eighty ty to pick on something about the size of a Robins Robin's Egg Mr played Gallery all around the Course He ne would stand behind them at the Tee Tec and smile in a n mos most arid and patronizing Manner while they shuffled sand and shifted and Jig Jiggled and Joggled and went through the whole ca Ritual of St. St Vitus He was surprised to note how far the Ball would speed when properly spanked but he thought there was no valid excuse for overrunning on the I Approaches Mr found himself criticizing the Form of the Players That should have llave been his Cue to climb the Fence All of the start on the downward Path by making Mind Mind- Plays and getting under Bogey on Back-on the sloping Sward between between No o. o 18 and the Saving Life Station the two Contestants were holding the usual I Ial al nl Post PostMortem I ILet Let me s se see e that a minute minute min min- ute said Mr as ashe he carelessly extracted a Mid IId He sauntered up to the silly Globule and took tool an nn unpremeditated Swipe The Stroke rang sweet and vibrant The ball rose rose In parabolic Splendor above the highest branches of a venerable venerable venerable ven ven- erable Elm Just as ns the Face of the Club started on the Through Following the Bacillus Bacil Bacillus lus Ius ran up an and bit Mr on the Leg He saw the blinking bUnking White Spot far out on the emerald Plain He heard the murmur of Admiration behind him He was sorry his Wife had not been th there re to take It in Leave me have another Ball BalI requested requested requested re re- re- re quested Mr The Virus was working He rr backed up so as to get a Running Start Mr I 11 This time will pus push it to Milwaukee Missing the Object of Attack by a scant six Inches he did a n Genee toe- toe spin and fell heavily with his Face among th the Dandelions The Host brushed him off and said Your Stance was wrong your Tee was was too high you ou raised the Left Shoulder you were too rapid on the Come Back the Grip was all nIl In the theLe Le Left t Hand you looked up you moved your Head Hend at the top of the Stroke you allowed the Left Knee to turn and you stood ahead of the Ball Otherwise Otherwise Otherwise Oth Oth- It was a Loo If I come out next Sunday could you borrow me a Kit of Tools asked Mr He was twitching violently violent violent- ly and looking at the Ball as ns if It had called him a n Name I got the first one all right and I think think tl So it was arranged that the poor doomed Creature was to appear on the the- following Sabbath and nd be equipped with a set of offs Cast and learn all about the Mystery of the Ages between between between be be- tween 11 a. a m m. m and 2 p. p m m. Mr went away not knowing that he was a a. a Marked Man On Mon Monday ny he told the Stenographer how he stung the Ball the first time up He said he was naturally quick at picking up any kind of a Game He thought It would be a Lark to get the hang of the Whole Business and then get net after some of those Berties In n the White Pants He figured that Golf would be a n Pipe for any anyone ne who had played Ba Baseball when young Truly all ail the tho raving is not done within within with with- in the Padded Cells He came home homp in inthe the Sabbath twilight twilight twi twi- light walking on his Ankles and babbling babbling bab babe bling about a Dandy Drive for the theLong theLong theLong Long Hole Regarding the other Strokes he was discreetly silent He told his Wife there was more in It than one would suppose The Easier Ens Ens- ier ler the Swat the greater the Carry And he had llad made one Hole in seven Then he took a Parasol out Parasol out of the Jar and Illustrated the famous Long Drive with Moving P Pictures Tableaux Delsarte and some Borne newly acquired technical Drivel which he mouthed with Ith childish Delight Now we see him buying Clubs although although although al al- al- al though he refers to them as ns Sticks SUcks proving that he is still a groping Neophyte Neo Neo- He thinks that a shorter Shaft and more of a Lay Back will enable him to drive a Mile Mlle The Gooseneck Putter will save him two en on every Hole Also will the Man please show him an Iron guaranteed to reach all the way down downto to the Dimple and plunk It right in the Eye Then all of the new Implements ments lal lath laid out nt at Home Home and Wife YUo sitting back listening to a Lecture as ns to what willbe will willbe willbe be pulled off on the su succeeding Day of Rest She h had d promised at the Altar to Love Honor and Listen Still it was trying to see sec the once-loved once Adult cavorting cavorting cavorting ca ca- on the verge of Dementia and know that she was Helpless He ne sallied forth with those going to Early Mass and returned at nt the Vesper Ves Vesper per Hour caked with Dust and ninety ninety- eight per cent It seems that at nt the sixth hole on the theLast theLast Last Round where you cross the Crick twice he fell tell down and broke broke both Arms Arm's and both Legs So he tore up the Medal Score gave all the Clubs to tot t the Caddy and standing on the grass Summit of the tall Ridge guarding the the Bunker he had lifted a a. grimy Mitt and uttered the Vow of Renunciation Uon In ot other er words he was Through The senile senne Wrecks and the prattling Juveniles for whom the Game was invented invented in in- vented could have his Part of it for all nIl time Never again would he be walk on tn the Grass or or cook his Arms or L Sand Sandall Sandall all over the lark and trampled Ground where countless Good Men had suffer suffer- ed cd N No Indeed I ISo ISo So n next day h he bought all aU the Paraphernalia Para Para- known to the Trade and his his' name was put up at a Club It was one of those regular and sure- sure enough Clubs High East Enst Winds prevailed prevailed pre pre- in the Locker Room Every Member was n a Chick Evans when he got back to the nineteenth hole Mr now began to regard the Ancient and Honorable Pastime as u n a compendium of Sacraments Ordeals Incantations and Ceremonial Formali Formali- ties He resigned himself Into the Custody Custody Cus Cus- tody of a professional l Laddie with large staring Knuckles and a n Dialect that dimmed all nIl the memories of Lauder Lau Lau- I derIn der In a n short time the Form was classy classy classy clas clas- sy but the Score h had d to be taken out and burled after every Round Mr saw that this Mundane Existence was not all Pleasure H He had found his Life Work The LodeStar LodeStar LodeStar Lode- Lode Star of his declining Years would be bean bean bean an even one hundred for the eighteen Flags Flass Wife would see him out In the Street feeling his way along totally unmindful of his Whereabouts She would lead lend him Into the Shade snap her Fingers call his Name and gradually gradually ally pull him out of the Trance He would look at her with a n filmy Gaze and smile faintly as If partly remembering rememberIng remembering re re- and then cay Imy ay Dont forgett forget for for- get gett v ro follow through Keep Seep the head hend down tight down tight with the left left no no hun pivot Ing Ing- Ing on the hips For Forr a Cuppy Lie take the Nib If running running- up with the Jigger drop her dead The full St Andrews Andrew's should not be thrown into Int Into In In- t to a Putt Never up never in Lift LUt the flag Take a pick-out pick from Casual Water but play piny the Roadways To overcome Slicing or Pulling advance the right or left Foot and may be avoided by adding n a hook with a top-spin top or vice versa The Man says there are twenty-six twenty Things to be remembered in Driving from the Tee One Onee is Stance I jor for forget forget for for- get the other twenty five e. e Then the Partner of his Joys and Sorrows with the account on the DebIt Deb Deb- It Side would shoot twenty Grains of Aspirin into him and plant him Inthe in inthe inthe the Flax Next morning at Breakfast he would break It to her that the Brassie had developed developed developed de de- de- de too much of a Whip and he had decided to try a n inch forty-inch Shaft They had Seasoned Hickory for Breakfast Bunkers for Luncheon and and the Fair Green for Dinner As a matter of course they had to give up their comfortable Home comfortable Home nm among ng the Friends who had got used to th them m and move out to a n strawboard Bungalow Bungalow Bunga Bunga- low so as to be near the Shambles Mrs wanted to do the White Mountains 1 but Mr needed her He Re wanted her to be waiting on the Veranda at Dusk so that he could tell her all nIl about It from the preliminary Address to the final Fo Foozle Sometimes ho would come home enveloped enveloped enveloped en en- In a Silence which witch would last beyond early Candle LightIng LightIng Lighting Light- Light Ing when he would express the OpinIon Opinion ion that the Administration at Washington Washington Wash Wash- ington had proved a Failure Perhaps the very next Evening he would lope all nIl the way up the Gravel Graveland Graveland and breeze into her presence smelling like a warm gust of Air from Dundee He would ask her to throw an nn Amber Light on the Big Hero nero He would d d call callI I her Kid and say that Vardon had Man was the Gink nothing on him Her that Pill 1111 how to take a n Joke to show had she would know know that he be Then won a n Box of Balls Dalls from Mrs old crippled Father in in poor She could read rend him like e a Barometer If he ana and Mr 1 the Real Heal Estate together fifteen n feet Man Dian came home high and looking stepping apart had it would know straight ahead she been a Jolly Day Duy on the Links By Dy the second summer Mr 1 allowed to tous had hind worked up until he was by bythe Bath Dath once hallowed us use a u Shower the the- presence of J Jerome rome Travers He He was not exactly a n Duffer was what you might call can a sub Duffer or Varnish which means that that the Committee Com Corn was ashamed to mark up up the Handicap lie lIe still had a good many superfluous and was bleeding freely freely free free- Hands and Feet Green I ly on every Sometimes he would last fast as far as the Water Hazard and then sink with witha a a Bubbling Cry Notwithstanding which he kept on trying to look like the Photographs of Byers If he be e spun into the High Sp Spat Spinach off oft at nt the Right it was Tough Luck Juck If It he down ina In Ina away with a Niblick bottomless Pit caromed on a couple a off toward and finally angled of Oaks around for Days the Cup he would go talking about Some Shot As his Ambition increased his Mental Mental Men Men- tal Arithmetic became more and more defective and his Moral Nature was wholly atrophied J As an Ex EXPo of the Play PIny he nov a ahe wa was s a 4 Matchmaker 6 he n a at t W t m He knew he was plain ger Sharks so he woma would ha hang r pasty Y I tot fOt i first T Tee c waiting to n cop to ou out ut t Soft acme One day he took 1 on Mr Mt Mrs S' S Sowe n Infant Son just h horne home owe fr JJ st ifs t tS from 1 S School hool The tender Cadet Cadet i nu nu along to an 1 h even up at and then proceeded proceeded to th tho P Pu s sweat Organs all over the Dad Bad Ls Lund III t That evening s Mr l Palk Panzey she would hare havo to J t told d Hit Hiton on Household c CUt t d Expenses Expense ExpenseS S Six years after he gave ga u tin up v th ness Career and consecrated vi him Sa I had something so so well more mastered Important th the lu Mr r Paid S fc 1 that he wn was allowed d to lord 14 Foursome with the President boh 1 i I Club ThIs ha happened once T of t k n. kIt It is well w known I that a any ay who mooches p pal around a n Ov COUn HI for a n sufficient Period will have l kind of Cu Wished I a Cup wished on to him Fourteen years after Mr i throw threw himself Into It Heart pa au ll I an and d and when the Ex Expenses p ens es n armr he earned his hh Halo d dOne HAl HAlOne One evening he came back to I l haggard Companion chortling I in wise a and d displayed something looked like an Eye-Cup Eye with r ron IIan 11 on it He said It was a n Trophy i It tA Consolation Offering for Maan Ma Dial de m ff man an |