Show fr T sw W y y PING 11 PR fa JL w Y sr JT y AL X ait X X G e orcie V t john henru on cabarets Copy copyright rig t 1915 by the M AY did you ever burst right S SAY into bohemia and with the aid 0 ot t a complaining pocketbook try to help yourself to a hilarious evening tag me im it of course I 1 dont mean bohemia in th the e highbrow highbrown high brow sense nix not one of those quaint retreats with the lemon colored atmosphere where sad eyed artistic temperaments fo to chop spaghetti with a fork and bark handmade hand made repartee at each other over ever a beaker of absinthe nix I 1 mean the bohemia so BO called by the buyer from max universal emporium waukesha wis als who hits new york along tn in august and leaves the imprint of his sandals all over longacre square and adjacent byways the bohemia so called callea which Is composed of incandescent lights dis gulshen as rosebuds bulgarian waiters disguised as second story workers and a menu card which without any disguise leads the unwary directly to a petition in bankruptcy ever since weve been back in new york peaches has been handing out hints that shed like to have me take her over the hurdles into that fair land where rag breaded pork chops do a sister act to one of those real devilish new york cabarets rub his ankles doctor the blood hits has rushed to his bean I 1 tried to explain to friend wife that the cabaret to la an institution invented solely for the purpose of giving hiccups 0 to o gold plated strangers but peaches was strong tor for a peek at the night lite life of new york and it WILS was up to ne to furnish the opera glasses she warned to know it if I 1 thought she could toy with a tenderloin steak in some musical soup house without having a policeman call her by her first name I 1 told her I 1 was away on sick leave the morning cabaret etiquette had I 1 C r P it was a bravo brava sight to see them deploy by fours been passed around but id ask my friend hep hardy about it hep is what they call in the laura jeans prince of good fellows As near as I 1 can size him up a prince of good fellows puts in twelve hours a day trying to stab himself to death with bronx cocktails and the other twelve hours are do devoted to screaming tor for help and ice water mind you im not knocking hep his father cut out the breathing business about four years ago and left hep with and a long dry spell on the inside hep has been in the surf ever since his only recreation between bars Is golf ile ho invented the G A R score in that game out ut in 61 back in 66 65 I 1 explained my sad plight 00 0 hep over the phone and later on with peaches all dolled up like a corot landscape we met hep by appointment ment in front of cabaret hep in his man about town scenery was a sartorial dream in black and white ile he had everything on including half a bun well it if it john Ilen henry ho he touch thumbs with your old pall pal then in a side elde speech he be wanted to know what musical show had bad loaned me its prize chicken I 1 introduced him to m my v wife and lie he tried to square himself by explaining that now that his right eye was waa properly focused she che look at all like a chicken she was more of the squab type then with a merry burst of ver mout hladen laughter ho he led the way into the cabaret the head waiter met us at the edge of he be reservation hep slipped clipped hira him something that made imade a noise like five collars and the clura newspaper syndicate 1 11 II W bowed hep slipped him again and he bowed lower ailep slipped him another little map of the mint and 11 II W s forehead scraped the floor the room was dazzle a with gaudy lights ragtime rag time music hurried away from a preoccupied orchestra hit the ceiling cel ling bounced off and scampered around the tables laughter both refined and careless tried to drown the clatter of dishes and won out so this Is bohemia sighed peaches as the head waiter pulled out a chair and dared her to sit down john dear do point out the celebrities to me wont you they come in yet I 1 gurgled and ailep let loose a laugh so nearly like that of a nervous coyote that four waiters rushed up prepared to take any kind of a UP tips just as we were sinking gracefully into our plush chairs and the sicilian brigand was about to take our order who should float into the dry dock but max one of reps friends after 2 A M I 1 dont know how max alax ever pressed close enough to get on reps staff max has money hell always have it the same ame money max Is a lazy when the waiter returns with the check max la Is the busiest talker in the bunch max loves money money loyes lovas max they are inseparable whenever max passes a bank ha be takes off his hat and walks on his toes I 1 spoke his name rapidly when I 1 introduced trod max to peaches but as she was busy trying to lead a swift life by ordering a seltzer lemonade it mate make much difference what I 1 called him hep must have been sitting over a trapdoor because suddenly wine cool ers began to festoon themselves around about him blue wine coolers appeared at his right magen magenta ta wine coolers at his left and lee ice drift lee ice as far north as the eye could see presently a platoon of waiters began to annoy the corks and then followed a a correct imitation of the tha second day at gettysburg one cork went over quickly to another table and struck a fat at moneyed person from pittsburgh between tha second and third floor of his accordion chin he thought it was waa one so he ha arose hurriedly and left th tha e room meanwhile max was overboard with a sp lapi for the first ten minutes he had three waiters on the verge of nervous prostration trying to a supply app dpp ay the suds fast enough but max play rugby rules he used two glasses and both hands after a time however he feathered both oars and drifted aimlessly the tide pardon rne me said peaches to max in an effort to pass out a bit of society salve but do you find it interesting this glimpse of bohemia bohemia nothings not hingl bubbled max this joint Is cosmopolitan sure thing the chef Is a frenchman the pastry cook to Is a the head waiter la Is a german they got a hungarian violinist and the proprietor has haa a wife and two kids in jersey city but he dont go there much bohemian not on your powder peaches took the count then she leaned over and whispered to me what Is he be a painter ohl hes a painter all right 1 water colors or c oil ill she asked oil I 1 said fusel oil off has he be over ever dono any good thing she quer queried leti yes I 1 said hep hardy G ou I 1 m enjoying this so much ha coo cooed coded giving max and his past performances the sudden pass pasa by who Is that man at that other table with the fawn alho eyes and the long hair lie iio was tho the night watchman of an apartment house bouse uptown but I 1 gave her an easy speech to tho the effect that he bo was waa bill mendelssohn sohn a grandson of old man mendelssohn sohn who once wrote a wedding march so carelessly that it Is now used as a coon song sho she gasped and gurgled with dolight in bohemia and having the time almo of her young life so I 1 lot let her dream in the meantime hep with a bucket of at wine was busy trying to put out the fire in the well max used as aa a neck ITI every very time a waiter looked at our table hops fleps roll would blaze up peaches presently concluded shed broaden out a bit on art and the old masters so she asked max it if he be liked rembrandt max looked at her out ot of tho the co corner of his eye and murmured much Ib bilged obliged but im up to here bowl now I 1 then he pointed at hla his adams adama apple and fell asleep hep was beginning to see sea doubt double e every once in a mile hed stop humming hero here comes my daddy now I 1 tho tha H W a forehead scrapped the tha floor papa papa papa papal then hed close onto ono eye and with the other otherl look ool over at peaches and hand her a sad sweet smile its a gay life boys when our expensive food finally arrived hep was gazing at hla his fingerr a and nd wondering how they got on hla his hands while max the genial pest with his chin driven through his shirt front was over on dream avenue al about out to hitch up his favorite nightmare and take a spin through bug land lana peaches was toying with a ot of consomme jullenne julienne and I 1 was par beying shoestring potatoes back on my fork when suddenly there cama great clanging of bells doors rattled lea and banged women screamed and tho the orchestra fell out of a back window all except the bass ile he fell in a bowl of soup left for him by an obliging but hurrying waiter max woke up suddenly looked about wild eyed and slid gracefully under the table hep with a roll of bills in each hand tried to stand up and defy the universe but lie he toppled over among tho the wine coolers and passed peacefully away again in cold storage A fat man with a beard and a dialect ran around in circles exclaiming that he was wag the proprietor but nobody pinned a medal on him and he burst into sobs then he be rushed over to our table and yelled get out get why should we get out I 1 inquired placing a piece of fried chicken tenderly in his bis outstretched hand because its closing up time and I 1 always forget about it the police have to come and remind me then lie he threw the fried chicken at the lady cashier and faded out of our lives I 1 looked in the direction of the door yes yea there they were an army corps of cops marching steadily forward into the palace of pies erless in in the the face of danger it was a brave sight to see them deploy by fours and reaching forward with their nightsticks night sticks knock a hunk of 0 beefsteak out of a hungry diners hand I 1 grabbed peaches by the tha elbow and we beat it from bohemia while the beating was good the last I 1 saw of max he was acting as a foot toot footrest rest for the general commanding the fifth brigade while ile hep p slept peacefully on amid the upturned up turned wine coolers and the ice floes bohemia eh 7 so this Is what they call having A good time in new nev york mr umpire I 1 called you bad names put me on the bench this burg Is the home of the gink who cant keep his bis temperature down unless he Is continually sniffing tho the odor of burning money this binks idea of being a gentleman Is to get into a tuxedo makeup make up and swap gags with a bunch of booze biters while mamma has to tie herself up in a mother hubbard and stay home alone till fill papa gets through being a good fellow cabarets eh eb hereafter me tor for the little ptomaine parlor where the tha dill pickles tilde hide behind the bowl of pulverized sugar and wink at you when the waitress sp splashes lastes an on your but Pea peaches hes thought thought it was all per factly lovely and take me some night soon she abo marshm allowed where we can see aee come real turkey trotting wont you john dearl dear A glass of water buvee hes taint ing in |