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Show , MONTAGUE . Says Things Began to Happen When When"Mr When"Mr "Mr Mr " . Jenkins Took Up Golf " " . r 1iv ? & , : ti , i I " t t'Il 'Il Il ' : _ "Wha.t's Wha.ts Whats "What's " . ' the Peeve About , Fel1ahs Fcllahs ? " Said the ChIef Pleasantly . By JAMES JAl\IES JAl IES \ J . MONTAGUET lIONTAGUETo \ MONTAGUE l\IONTAGUE l IONTAGUE MONTAGUEHO 0 THE suggestions suggestlOns of hisfriends his hisfriends hisfriends HO To T friends that he take up theroyal the theroyal theroyal royal Scottish game , Mr Jen- Jen Jenkms Jenkins Jen-kins Jen kins - kms kins paid no heed . . . "I I fll " am sixty years old , " he said said"and saidand , , " ' ' make fool foolot foolof foolof "and and ' I'm Im not going gomg to a ot of myself by putting puttmg on short pants pantsand pantsand pantsand and chasing chasmg a ball around a pas- pas pasture pasure pas pasture - - t ture ure with a stick " "But But " you don't dont ' need to wear short shortpants shortpants shortpants pants , " said Mr . . Jeflers Jeffers , the nextdoor next nextdoor nextdoor door neighbor . "They They " are practi pracb- pracb practi- practically practically pracbcally - cally discarded now Everybody almost al- al almost al almost - most , wears trousers " "Well Well " , , , anyway , a man of my agewould age agewould agewould would be ridiculous on a golf course courseI ' ' Idea Ideaabout ideaabout ideaabout I wouldn't wouldnt have the slightest sl1ghtest about what to do and how to do it " "Nonsense Nonsense " . . Take a few lessons lessonsfrom lessonsfrom lessonsfrom from a pro , , and you'll youll ' master the thegame thegame thegame game m ill in no time bme " "Not Not " for me ' I've Ive ' ' watched some someof someof someof of those fellows taking lessons They TheytWlst Theytwist Theytwist tWlst twist themselve up into mto all kinds kmds ofknots ot of otknots ofknots knots while a lot of ot grinning grmnmg caddies cad cad- caddies caddies - dies stand stmd , around and laugh at atthem atthem atthem them A man of my years ought tohave to tohave tohave have a little dignity dlgmty , if t it ! only for forthe forthe forthe the sake of his children cluldren " ' Well , you ve ye got a big back yard yardWh yardWhy yardWh Wh Why ) can't cant ' you practice pracbce out there therefor therefor therefor for a \ while hlle , , until unbl you get the hang hangof hangof hangof of the thing thmg ? You can't cant ' ' afford to togrow togrow tgrow ( grow old when golf gol ! will make youyoung you youyoung yoiyoung young Buck up and get a little fun funout funout fuiout out of existence before you die " . "I'm Im " ' ' ' not thinking thmhmg of dying dymg , , " saidMr said saidMr sanMr Mr . Jenkms Jenkins , , resentfully . " "Well Well " who IS is9 is'r isr ? ' But people do dIe dieand , . and most of them from overwork overworkor or overeating overeatmg If you had some some- something someth10g something - \ \ thing th10g to get you out of your office officeonce officeonce officeonce once m 10 in a while and got enough open openaIr openair openair aIr and exercise to digest your foodyou'd foodyoud lood food , , you'd youd ' at least be hapPierlule happier happierhileyou're \\lule lule while whileyou're \ \\hileyou're hileyou're hileyoure \ \ luleyou're , you're youre ' ' here Come over to the club clubthIs clubthis clutthis , thIs afternoon It's Its ' Monday and andthere andthere andthere there won't wont won.t ' . be anybody there May May- Maybe Maybe Maybe - be you'll youll ' ' change your 3 } our mind mmd " "I I "Ion't " won't wont \\on't on't ont \ ' ' change my mind , , " said saidMr saidMr saidMr , Mr Jcnkms Jenk1Os Jenkins , , 'but but ' but ' I've Ive ' got nothmg nothing nothmgto nothingto nothingto ' to do . , , so I 111 III 11 watch you for a spellBut spell spellBut spellBut But mind mmd you can never get me to totry totry ttry ( ? ' to learn tricks tncks at " ' try new my age Arrived Arnved at the first tee tce Mr Jen Jen- Jenkms Jenkins Jenkins - II kins kms sternly waved away a driverand drivel drIver drIverand and a ball his friend fnend offered him ' ' , No I meant what I said I'llwatch I'll Ill I'llwatch ' I'l Il ' - watch you Do your stuff " "Mr Mr " . J Jeffers eirers teed up his ball ' , coiled coded himself into mto a human spiral spiralreleased ' , released it suddenly , and the ballsailed ball ballsailed bal balsailed sailed forth over a hill m 10 in a long longbeaublul Ion longbeautiful ; beautiful beaublul arc . . " "Now Now " , " he said , "all all " you've youve ' got todo to todo i do is what I did Take this clubIt club It " ' ' ' Not me , " said Mr . Jenkins Jenkms , firm firm- firmly firmly firmly - ' - lyThe lyThe ly lyThe The next tee was on a high ele- ele elevatton eicvation ele elevation ' ' - vatton vation and a wide stretch of at ' per- per perfectly perfectly peifectly - ' - fectly smooth grass reached out outto outto OL'to OLto ' t to the green Selecting Selectmg an iron club clubMr cluMr clu cluMr b " Mr . Jeflers Jeffers tapped the pellet I1ght- I1ght light " " - ' Lghlly I1ghtly lightly ly In two long bounces and three threeor threeor threor e or four short ones it reached the thegreen thegreen thgreen green , rolled ten yards and paused pausedat pausedat pause d - at the lip IIp of the cop"Almost cop"Almost cop "Almost Almost " a hole m ill in one onc , , " crIed crIedMr crie d Mr . . Jeffers " ' , , delightedly "Don't Dont you youwant yowant yo u want to try It it7 ? ' " ' Well , , perhaps I might But un- un understand un " - derstand I will NOT try to learn learnthis Lear Learthis " this game " ' * Of 01 course Nobody is trying trymg to tomake t tmake 10 make you Here , take this club , hit hitthe hl hlthe h hthe 11 t throughThat's the ball easy , , and follow througl through That's Thats ' ' all there is to it " Mr J Jcnkms enk1Os Jenkins , tying tymg himself hlmscl ! Into a aknot knot in 10 imitation ImltatlOn of his mentor's mentors mentor mentor'sstyle ' style , , swung his club back backuar backuarwith . ard ardwIth d - with lightning ltghtnmg speed , then swung swan swanit ' 6 g swury swungIt it violently forward He looked lool-.ed lool.ed lool .ed ed looped - . to- to toward to toward " - ' ward the green , , obviously ObVlOusly puzzled puzzle puzzledabout puzzleabout > d about something somethmg , ' Where dfd did that ball go ? " he de- de demanded de dema d dmanded e ' - manded ma nded nded"Nowhere manded"Nowhere youknol yoknot "Nowhere Nowhere " You have to hit it you yo y < u " know kno\l kno l knot \ ; 'But But ' , But I did mt hit h t it ' it ' " ' "What's Whats " ' ' that ball doing on the tee teethen to tothen e thenIt then ItlVIr It " Mr lVIr Jenkins Jenkms looked down ' But ) ; I Imust * must have hit Iut it lt , . " he said said'Listen Listen 'Listen ' , " said Mr . Jeflers Jeirers Jeffers ' ' Ev- Ev Everybody - erybody thinks th10ks they hit the ball ballIvcr U Ivcr : Everybody body thinks they looked at atIt it : Everybody Iverybody gets ugly when you tell teU youteU them they didn't didnt ' look at it But Butyou you are not going gomg to be that way You're Youre ' ' sensible Now try another anothershot shot . , and nnd keep your head hend down ! ! " Mr . . Jenkins tried again ngain The ball balldnbbled dribbled dnbbled off of ! the ilia tee and part way down waydown the hill hi1L . 'That's Thats That's ' ' ' more like it , " said Mr Dlr 1 . Jeflers Jeffers You'llbe "You're Youre " ' catching catchmg on You'll Youll Yoibe ' ' be a n golfer goler ! m in no time bme . . "Now Now " lo look at the ball on the next shot and andyou'll andyou'll andyou'll andyoull you'll youll ' ' be on the green " The reason that Mr . Jenkins Jcnkms was wasnot wasnot wasnot not on the green m ill in the ilia next shot shotwas shotwas shotwas was because he hit the ball not wise Wise- wisely Wisely wisey - l ly y , but too hard This time he kept kepthIs kepthis kepthis hIs eye on it There was a sharp sharpchck sharpclick sharpclick chck click v/hen v hen when / it contacted with theclub theclub the theclub club The ball flew over the greenand green greenand greenand and so close to a player on another anotherfairway anotherfairway anotherfairway fairway that he turned around andcast and andcast cast a dirty look m in the direction dlrectlon of ofpupll ofpupil ofpupil pupll pupil and teacher tcacher . . "Don't Dont " ' mind mmd him , " said Mr Jet-ers Jet ers Jef- Jef Jeffers Jeffers - fers ( "He's Hes " ' ' a crab Come Came on nowand now nowand nowand and shoot another . That was out of ofbounds ofbounds ofbounds bounds " ' ' What are bounds bounds"I'll boundsIll " ' ? " " ' ' to tosmk tosink tosink "I'll Ill ' explain explalD that later Try smk sink a putt " Mr Jenkins , , twisting tWlstmg himself himsel ! illto into illtoa intoa intoa a curious position poslhon tapped the ballhis ball ballhis ballhis his instructor had dropped on thegreen the thegreen thegreen thegreenIt green greenIt It traveled a little to the left , overa over a slight rise , then changed its course coursea a few points pomts and f filtered tercd into the thecup thecup thecup cup ' By gosh , , " said Mr . Jenkms Jenkins Jenkins"that Jenkinsthat , , "that that " was pretty good , now , , wasn't wasnt wasn'tit wasntit ' ' It it"I "I I " " "I I " told you you had a flair for the thegame thegame thegame ; game , , , " said Mr . Jeflers Jeffers The re- re rem remainder re remainder - mainder m l1nder of the round brought prettyconsistent pretty prettyconsistent prettyconsistent consistent failure tmlure But on the last lasttee las lastee lastee t ) td tee \ Mr l\r l r { , J Jenkms enkms who had wound woundhlmsel woun wounhimself woundhimself d hlmsel himself ! up like a rope , suddenly re- re released re- re released re released - - leased the tension of his taut mus mus- muscles musIles muscles - cles Iles There was a resounding resoundmg crack crackand , , and the ball flew straight and tar far , , over a bunker , over a brook , and androlled an anrolled ancrolled d ; rolled up to the pin pm after a Journey Journeyof journeyof journeyof of at least 250 yardsHe yardsHe yards yardsHe He turned to his friend , , breath- breath breathless breathless - - less "How How " did I do that that9 " ? " he said"Just said"Just said "Just Just " perseverence and gritYou'll grit'I grit gritYou'll ' You'll Youll ' drive 'cm cm 'em em ' all that waya way ill m illa u 'I I a few weeks " I A v/eek v eek week / later four of ot Mr . Jcnkms Jenkins Jenkinsneighbors Jcnkmsneighbors , ' : neighbors called at the village po- po polIce police po - Lee lIce station sta110n I ' ' We have come , , " said their theirspokcsman theispokesman thei r ; r spokesman spokcsman , "to to " make a protest , and andIf an anif am amit d , it If our protests are not heeded wi we weshall w e , . shall go to the mayor " ' ' What's Whats ' ' the peeve abouttellahs about , fellahs fellahs7'said fellahs7said ? " ' ' , ' said the chief pleasantly . . * ' There's Theres ' a man named Jenkmswho Jenkin Jenkms Jenkui Jenkuiwho s who It\ It Ines Ites lies \ es on Grove street Just dust ust uthe up u p ; upthe the hill from us , and he's hes ' learnin learnfnl learninto n ? { ' to play golf gol ! . . . In this hand I hold holda hota holi hot d a number of ot pieces of ot broken glass ; They glassThey used to be m ill in my window wmdow , u ubroken un- un unbroken ur urbroken n- n [ . - broken The wife wle ! of ot my friend Mi Mr MrJudson M MJudson r Judson here complains that muddy muddygolf muddgolf mudd muddgolf y golf balls have ruined rumed her week's weeks week'swashmg week ' ' s : washing washmg The man who deliver dehvers dehversmeat delivermeat delivermeat s meat to another neighbor , can , o orequest on onrequest n request , show a hole through thcanvas the thecanvas th thcanvas e canvas top of Iuslagon his Ius \ wagon \lagon lagon tagon ; that wa tva tvamade s : . ; , made by a golf gol ! ball Had it corn come comean cornan an inch lOch nearer his seat , it would wouldhave tvoul tvoulhave d have brained him'These him These 'These * ' things thmgs are happening a all allthe 11 the time . , Chief . No child and no nodog n ndog . dog in 10 the neighborhood is sate safe " ' Will you go to court and mak make makeout ; e eout out a complaint complamt ? " NeIghborhood Neiglboyhood "We We " don't dont ' l like e to do that NeIgh- NeIgh Neigl i i- i - borhood boyhood rows are unpleasant , , you yo u youknow know . . " ' ' Well Wcll , I can't cant ' ' help you then E Eerybody Ev- Ev Everybody v ' - erybody that starts that game bi be- be begms b e - gins gms to practice in 10 his Ius back yard yar yarand yanand d , and they all get a good shot now nowan no tie an ' * ' then an ' maybe hurt somebody somebodyor someboc somebo someboor dY or a dog or a cat . All you gotta do dois gottais is be patient That guy'U guyU guy'll guyll ' ' be ina ingolf in ingolf a agolf golf club pretty soon And if t ! he can c candrive drive far enough to make trouble ill Lfl illhis Lflhis his neighbors ' ' yards it iton't \\on't on't ont won't wont \ \ ' ' be 1 : ) e long belong won'tlong now " thelaw The wisdom of ot the officer of the tl tI is ( law was verified Mr Dlr . . Jenkins Jenkms has hasJomed hcoined h as ; joined Jomed coined a golf club And he makes a makesfrightful afrIghtful whenhe frightful nuisance of ot himselfwhen himself when whin wh e < in he arrives arnves at the office every morn mor nor n - . ing lag moring norlag by calling callmg in his Ius underImgs helpless under- under unde 'r- 'r r ' r - lings Imgs kings and explaining explam1l1g just how he hemade 1 1made IC ICmade hoithat holesthat hotthat made every shot ovci OVCl over the 36 hoi hot holes es beforeAnd that he played the Sunday before befor ' e And telluthem tellmJthem he always alwaJ s concludes by tellmJ tell tellthem tellu ing them that a man who ' ' doesn't doesnt golfis g golf ( u is wasting wastmg his ltfeODell life ltfe ODell 0 Bell Synd teWNU sateWNU sate te -WNU WNU - Scrvlct Service ! |