Show I Tonic Tonie for Tired 1 Business Men By BOB BOB BURDETTE SONNETS OF THE 5 The The Managing Editor The Tho court of ot last appeal he sits site and writes Of matters of ot Importance and tho the lights Of or stage atago and platform business s science art Know of or the paper through his labors Heart To heart talks are held there upon the night When the the returns are figured And the sight fight Welcomes the good bood old rag to keep Its Us name namo For landing good stout blows and winning winning win win- ning fame f The Tho cry for aid alII In times tunes of peril great lo Is answered through his office And nd the weight C Of Ot blame blamo Is placed upon the tho guilty guilt head Which plc planned ned the wron wrong They The say t I The Gangsters dread dr ad Tim ha battle In lanterns s lit Ill In this his n e eves I More than they do a raiding squads squad's s sur sur- prise COMIN OR GOIN COIN When an enthusiastic debater about to discuss tho the temperance question wrote for statistics from rom the tho bureau bur au of ot statistics statistics sta sta- at Washington D C. C he received tho the terse reply nave Have figures a n But which which side do you rou wish to prove provo right PROUD OF HER Possibly we American men a are re gull guilty ty of ot the foreign criticism that wo let the wom women n rule the roost But weve we've trained up a much more moro gratifying lot of female suffragists than the they have In either cither London London London Lon Lon- don or Paris Parl Just the came OUTCLASSED There is one ono lockout for which there Is not the tho slightest t sympathy Washington Washing Washing- ton has clo closed ed Its playgrounds Just be because because be- be cause the politicians failed aUed to appropriate funds to maintain those tho e havens ons of ot refuge for fOl the little people during the hot sum sum- mer It looks as though It were kids vs men BAD P PAPER Signing a R. sometimes nay may turn turnout turnout turnout out to be signing a bum check cheek IMPOSSIBLE It is easy enough to mumble Keep coo cool But nut occasions arise when this philosophy Is la a mirage Even E the Iceman perspires WRONG NU NUMBER mER The Tho man who invented ln Ch chewing sum gum um never ne dl died d of at loe lockjaw jaw RIGHT ON TOP Archdeacon Hudson Stuck calls dix dis description description de dc- de- de of the ascent of Mt It At the Top of or America Wrong Yron a again Ha Jal In Ho Ire ought to try to scale th the dizzy 11 I of or some ome of or the bills Glue due month HOT WORK VORK Ii AHEAD HEAD Pre Press dispatches say tay that government govern govern- government o ern ment mant will control dams Well Yell It will have a job fob when pa sits alts Its on the fly pa paper paper paper pa- pa per again NO WAY OUT Mexico's status is something like that of the unfortunate He had cotten gotten gotten got cot ten firm firmly I and secure securely Into the wilds when every er e drop droll of or his hl Jol gave out Ho Ile then found round a businesslike farmer fanner armer I who for recompense would drag his machine machine machine ma ma- chine to tho the nearest store two miles die dis distant ant tant where gasoline could be bought At Attha that tha t crisis the rural delegate te dl discovered co that ho ire had left his purse pUne at nt home WOOL GATHERING Other states should hould follow tollow Utah's ex example example example ex- ex ample and ind set that black sheep to work HOW BOUT Til TH CAMEL The rhe Elk Elks Elks' grand lodge has hns voted otell the tho goat coat oat back to initiations initiation of tho the order r That Thais s nothing New Yorks York's Democracy has engaged the Tammany tiger for or the fall faU work GLOOM AHEAD Tho The man who ho has taken Huertas Huerta's Job mutt murU feel like the small bo boy waiting lo tot for his s turn Ht at the dentists dentist's judging from fron what happened to those before him trim The national guard ma may adopt the Philippine Phil bolo Vh Why not use the Ulster WOMANS WOMAN'S RIGHTS The lighting editor of the Dally Daily Yell glared at tho the office boy silenced the stenographer with a n glance and roared out outa outa a male malediction the tho delinquent sub suh- scribers scribers A man and a good healthy man at that bounded up the stairs three at a time and demanded nn Rn explanation He got ot of it right it-right right from the shoulder Apolitical A Apolitical political war horse who ho had be been n through more fights than a white hope let the tho weather got get the better of or him and wormed warmed up to a n controversy with the fighting editor He lie has been heen unable to read a n paper papal since The Tire tough saloon saloonkeeper saloonkeeper keeper whose whoso resort was raided d and who was editorially poked fun run of or In the Yell swarmed Into the office orfice with sleeves es rolled up to the shoulder houlder blades bludes He lie never will sa sass another man matt Rb as long ashe as ashe ashe he lives JIves A And nil the tho doctors say that Hint hi his recover recovery Is hi l doubtful A collector full rull of or orIng ginger Ing r nerve and sand thrust tho the white slip before the battle fevered revered eyes CYCH of ot the toe same lame editor And the visitors visitor's insurance fell en due that moment Yearningly ly the ther r f f. f e. e looked out tho the window for tor another victim Anyone Anyone else he murmured ina In Ina form going a a. voice olce that tha t pled pled the last to press Just JUit at that Instant his hils phone womans woman's accents rang and a n high keyed shrilled over the wire John como come homo home this instant What dye dyo mean keeping dinner late And he ho stammered an ex excuse ax- ax cuse case gently hung up the receiver h r pulled pu on his hla coat and meekly slouched home HANNIBAL OUTDONE Braver than Hannibal and his fighting Catha in was ati the Salt Lake City man who told his wife Saturday afternoon he was going to the Ule ban ball all park rk rather lather than on n n. shopping tour with her said J. J H. H Garrett manager of or the Utah And he ought to know as he has haa studied tho the ploy play TO A TINY TAD There Theres a H wee we little face aco And a tin tiny hand A mite of a lady lad too With such quaint little tittle grace And n manner mann r grand And heart that will wilt oer o'er beat true How lion her dimples will wilt flash And her twinkling eyes Will Viti pIll play and reek with me h Ah the whole world 1 Is 18 trash And a worthless 5 prize When hen my bab baby climbs up on m my knee SOME MISTAKE I calling asked What name namo are you ou the telephone girl Irl over tho the wire says sas the Ladles Ladles' Homo Journel McCohen 1 the customer answered I beg bes pardon naked asked ked the girl The rhe man repeated It it The wire was 88 spent silent for a moment then th the girl said Walt Wait a tL moment please I I think the tho wires arc aro crossed ON THE LEVEL Sam and Luke browsing around crossed Tossed the pasture says MYS the Montreal Star The judges judge's Is I's bull aw raw them and Sam peat beat him to tho the fence b by a single Ingle 1 with nothing to spare Luke a bad ball stark start start- tr for the fence he stuck to or rt didn't try the open He HI led the bull around th tin the I Ifield field on the th first lap while Sam from th the I fence urged him to a a Hl burst er speed On the second lap Sam exhorted him Run you ou you aint half halt The lh third time Sam yelled d Make Mak laJe liase hase Luke risked all In his answer Gawn Ga man he gasped you doer doan oan think Ah Ahm m throw In yer race does doe yer cr Contentedly the farmer Carmer dragged along alone tho the sunlit road ills His t term team m was old olli a as himself and the dust raiser raise oy oar the fire hoofs hoof never got sot further back ba cI than tho the front wheels wheel hee and fled fied all ahead cud of ot tho tiro outfit Behind Behind Behind Be Be- hind him came the handsomest car In the county Full of a happy happ happy happ party who had lunches packed away a wa that tha t Imitated Imi the tho seven course dinners hed he'd read about but never tasted How the they laughed d n A as the they passed him and added III u II I veritable volcano of ot dust to tine the fog fo which had had enshrouded cn him before Ills His teeth chewed awo away at his whiskers his team gave cave a start and then settled nettled I back ck atthe at atthe the tho regular gait Soon Sooty even evon the tho dust of or orI I the tho car was gone ahead Twenty minutes minutes min min- utes passed and the tho farmer came in n sight Ight of them again Coin Coln to stop to cat eat their blamed old ls an an Im I'm an hour from home and two hours after supper i swash w bins cm em Eventually E ho reached I them But Dut his ills grin pass was due He lie HeI I saw the thc male malo portion of the crowd wrangling wrangling wran wran- gling sling over a a. mysterious ailment of or the aristocratic car that defied a all dla diagnosis no ls Grease was smeared where laughter had been Truly rural stopped his team Guess Guels you'll have havi to take tako us to town rube growled one of thorn them city fellers tellers Guess Guel s not riot It came the tho reply Oh well we'll pay PU you came the reJoinder re- re r I Joinder different I to How flow much do you want I How much v uh uh give gl Ten T d dollars II IUS J. J I cn collars Nope OPE 1 I Fifteen 1 i i Hope Twenty you ou old pirate Shut up Twenty five net fifty Is every weT cent In the crowd doln Well Vell but man manNow manow man man- Now ow listen here Weve We've been on next to at our house r fur for r a week past nn an that lunch looks might mighty good 3 to wits me-wits me me-e me eats an booze an an all Why rhY try sure If It that's all you OU want Join with us Uti Girls get the grub spread and well we'll Invite Invite Invite- Hol on joung young feller teller Not Noto so fast What Im I'm goin to say say is you ou give mo me that whole lunch o 0 y yourn ourn our n to tako take home homo to tardy Mardy an tin the kids an an Ill I'll your jour our blamed ol of car with you OU all thrown In In la Is toted behind my team to the next town Silence How far I Three miles The lunch was transferred from the polished pol shed car to tho the weather beaten vehicle the he car strapped stropped to tho the hor and the he procession started More silence Is it a bargain finally called b back ck tho ho now chauffeur hitting n at fly ort oft the gaunt aunt Hank flank of ono one of ot his horses Yecon Ye wont won't con t go back on It Of O course not came the tho reply repty of an Inmate of or the disgraced car Why Jo do you ask that Because I forgot to tell ye 0 theres there's no garage sarale in our town |