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Show His New Dagre". Just discharged from tue hospitl, where he had been operated upon for appendicitis, a young man met a friend the other day. "Congratulate me," said the friend "Harvard has made me M. A." "That's nothing," answered the ex-patient. ex-patient. "I've been made M. A., ".oo." "By whom?" asked the friend in astonishment. "By Dr. McBurner, was the reply. "I'm Minus an Appendix." New York Tribune. Ostentation. "Yes," said the woman with shrp eyes, "those people who moved in next door are inclined to make an os-tentatius os-tentatius display of their wealth." "In what way?" "They go into the corner grocery and order beefsteak in a loud tone of voice." A Hot One. THE HUMOR OF LIFE, original and borrowed jests Worthy of perusal. Didn't Ncert to Be Told the Gas Wat Escaping Hard to Get Ahead of the Office Boy Two Kindt of Courage -What the Cook Was Dolne. Prepared for the Season. "Well, Jimmy," said the hard-hearted employer, "I don't see how you will get out to any ball games this season, sea-son, as your grandmother died four times last summer." "But, sir," answered Jimmy, "grandpapa "grand-papa has married again, although it was much against the wishes of the family." And still we wonder why men advance ad-vance at one swift leap from office boy to the head of the concern. Judge. r : iV t -" 3 fix '56 '' V Charley's Weather Obseryatlon. It was thundering very loud one day when little Charlie Horner, aged four years, said: "Mamma, God must be scrubbing today." to-day." "What makes you think so, Charlie?" asked his mother. "Why," said Charlie, "don't you hear him moving the tables around?" Ethel Horner in Little Chronicle. Blowing Up. "Isn't it awful how thin Mr. Hen-peck Hen-peck is now," remarked Mrs. Gabble to her husband, "and he used to be so stout." "Perhaps," chimed in little Willie, remembering his trouble with the bicycle bi-cycle tires "perhaps his wife forgets to blow him up regular, like you said she useter." Teacher Spell rat. Tommy R-a Teacher Can't you remember the last letter? Tommy No'm. Teacher Now, think hard. What" do I drink. Tommy I don't know, ma'am; I never saw you in a saloon. Two Kinds of Courage. Dentist's Daughter Well, have you asked papa for my hand? Wooer (suffering with pain) No, Bll Rush. "Fools," he said, "rush in where angels an-gels fear to tread, you know." "Yes," she answered; "by the way, somebody was telling me the other day that you once went into a house where a man was' beating his wife and tried to interfere. How did you get that scar over your left eye?" To Ki-ep It In. every time I step into his office I lose my courage to-day I allowed him again to pull a tooth. Borrowed Jests. Manager "i can't pay salaries this week." Actor "But I must live! "Oh, now, don't get bull-headed!" Life. "You shouldn't judge a man by the cigars he gives you," remarked the philosopher. "Some one may have given them to him." Cincinnati Cor mercial Tribune. "So you wish to marry my daughter. Do you drink or gamble?" "Well," replied the young man, "I'm willing to take a chance in the marriage lottery." lot-tery." Indianapolis Sun. "Daddy's out ther in the hall, an' he says 'the devil's to pay!'" "Tell him not to worry over it," replied the mother; "the devil won't be hard on his own!" Atlanta Constitution. "That girl can't talk a liule bit." "Is that so?" "Quite true. The only thing she said to me the whole evening even-ing was 'No' and I had to propose to her to get her to say that." Stray Stories. Jaggles Do you think that minister has profited any by visiting all the gambling houses? Waggles Sura thing. He's learned where to redeem all the chips he finds In the collection basket. New York Sun. Miss Shapely (as she misses her drive at tbe second tee and falls) Oh, Fred, come and help me. I know my ankle is turned. Fred (looking down admiringly) Yes, and mighty well turned, too. Judga. Bell Boy (banging the door) Hey, there! The gas is escaping. Reuben Hayrick Wal, I guess I fcnow It. Thet's why I locked ther door. Similarly Eollt. McJigger "I understand 'hippopotamus' 'hippopota-mus' means 'river horse.' I wonder .'f there's any Latin name for 'sea dog' for instance?" Thingumbob "Maybe that's what 'alligator' means. An alligator looks like a sort of submarine dachshund." The Limit. Mr. Van Albert Great Scott! Why are not all these dishes washed? Mrs. Van Aloert Because the cook is using the kitchen table. Mr. Van Albert In what way? Mrs. Van Albert She is playing a game of ping-pong with the policeman. |