| Show I JOHN HENRY ON BRIDGE WHIST Uy HUGH MctlUGH GEORGE V HOBART I r T f In One of Those Department Store Mobs I received a letter the other day thnt put me oer the ropes I Ill paste It up hens just to show you that its on the level Philadelphia This Week Dear John I have never met you personally but Ive heard my brother Teddy Speak of you so often that you really seem to he l one of the family Teddy talks slang something fierceDear Dear John will you please pardon the liberty I take In grabbing a two cent stamp and jumping RO unceremoniously uncere-moniously at one who Is after all a perfect stranger Dear John If you look around you can see on every hand that the glad season of tho year Is here and if you listen attentively you may hear tho hoarse cry of the summer resort beckoning us to that bourn from which no traveler returns without getting his I pocketbook dislocated Dear Iohn could you please toll mo how to play bridge whist so that when I go to tho seashore I will bo armed for defraying expenses Dear John I am sure that if I could play bridge whist loud enough to win four dollars every once In awhile I could spend a large bunch of the summer at the seashore I Dear John would you tell n loving lov-ing but perfect stranger how to play the game without having to wear a mask maskDear Dear John I played a couple of games recently with a widefaced young ran who grow very playful and throw the parlor furniture at mo because I trumped his ace I fancy I must have did wrong Tho fifth time I trumped his ace tho young man arose put on his gum shoes and skccdaddled out of the house Is it not considered a breach of etiquette to put on gum shoes in the presence of a lady If you please dear John tell me how to play bridge whist Yours fondly GLADYS JONES I SThe furniture which he threw was not his property to dispose of G J 1 When my wife got a flash of this letter let-ter she made a kick to the effect that It was some kind of a cypher possibly tho beginning of a secret correspondence correspond-ence It was up to mo to hand Gladys tho trosty getback so this Is what I said Respected Madam Im a slob on that bridge whist thing plain poker bong bo-ng tho only game with cards that over foaxes my dough from the stocking but Til do tho advice gag If chokes me Bridge whist is played with cards Just like pinochle with the exception Of the beer Not enough cards is a misdeal too ninny cards is n mistake and cards up the sleevo is a slap on the frunt piazza If they catch you at It You shouldnt get np and dance the inakentine danco every time you take a trick It looks more genteel and I picturesque to do the twostep When your oppunent has not fol owed suit it is not wise to pick out aloud a-loud tone of voice and tell him about it Reach under the table and kick him on the slllns If it hurts him he is a tl ° ttibC r J I r She Gave Me a Glad Smile beater if it doesnt hurt him always emember that you are a lady Dont forget what is trumps more than 18 times during one hand Thu limit used to be 26 times but since the Insurance people have been playing Hyde and seek the best bridge whist authorities have put the limit down to 18 It Isnt wise to have a conniption lit every time you lose n trick Notblne looks no hart np a conniption tit wbM I e doesnt match the complexion and generally gen-erally It delays the game > When the game Is close dont get excited ex-cited and climb up on the table It I I shows i a want of refinement especially I you urn not a Quick climber Never whistle while waiting for some one to play Whistling Is not in good taste do over nnd bite out a couple cou-ple 1 of tunes on the piano When your opponent trumps an ace dont over hit him carelessly across the forehead with the brlcabrnc Always remember when you are in society that brica brae is expensive Dont lead tho ten of clubs by mistake mis-take for tho ace of trumps and then got mad and Jump 17 feet in tho air because they refuse to let you pull It back In order to jump 17 feet in tho nIl you would intro to go through tho room upstairs and how do you know whose room it Is Thoro Gladys If you follow these rules I think you can play tho game of bridge whist without putting a bruise I on tho Monroe doctrine P SWhen you play for money always al-ways bite tho coin to see It It moans ns much ns it looks The next day in order to square l myself my-self with lilY wife for getting a letter I hndnt any use for I went to one of those New York department stores to get horn hor-n birthday present Say did you over get tangled up In ono of those department store mobs and havo n crowd of perfect Indies use you for a door mat I got mine They certainly taught mo tho Ro jestvcnsky glide all right At the door of tho dcpnrtmcnt store n nice young man with a pink necktie nnd a quick forehead bowed to me What do you wish ho asked Well I said Im down hero to got a birthday present for my wife I would like something which would afford her great pleasure when I give it to her nnd 1 which I could use afterwards as a pen I wiper or a fishingrod Second floor to tho right take tho elevator said the man Did you over try to take an elevator in I a department store nnd find that 3943 other morlcnn citizens and cltlzenottes wero also trying to lake tho same elevator ele-vator How sweet It is to mlnglo in the arms of utter strangers and to feel the gentlo pressure of a foot wo never hope to meat again I I was standing by one of the counters on the second floor when n shrill voice crept up over a few bales of dry goods nnd said Are you a buyer or a handler han-dler I am looking for n birthday present for my wife I answered I want to I get something that will look swell on tho parlor table and may be used lator on as a tobacco Jar or n trouser stretcher Fourth floor to the left take tho elevator said the ladys voice With bowed bead I walked away I began to feel sorry for my wife Nobody seemed to be very much interested in-terested whether sho got a birthday present or not On the fourth floor I stopped at n counter where a lot of eager dames were pawing over some chinchilla ribbon and chiffon overskirts It reminded me of tho way our dog digs up tho vegetables In the garden I enjoyed the excitement of the gam for about ten minutes and then I sail to the tlerk behind the counter who was refereeing the match Can you tell me where I can buy a sterling silver birthday present for my wife which I could use afterwards as a night key or a bahi sponge Fifth floor to the rear take the elevator ele-vator said the clerk On tho fifth floor I went over to a able a-ble whore a young lady was helling The Life and Libraries of Andrew Carnegie at four dollars a month and 50 cents n week and In three years It Is yours If you dont loso tho receipts She gave me a glad smile nnd I felt a thrill of encouragement Excuse me I said but I am looking for a birthday present for my wife which will make all the neighbors Jealous nail which I can use afterwards as nn ash receiver or u pocket flask Tho young lady cutout tho giggles nail pointed to the northwest I went over thereTo there-To my surprise I found another counter coun-ter A pale young woman was behind it I was just about to ask her tho fatal question when n young man wearing a ragtime expression nn his face rushed up and said to the young lady behind the counter I am looking for n sail able present for a young lady friend of mine with golden brown hair Could you please suggest something The saleslady showed her teeth and answered him In a low rumbling voIce and the man wont away t Then came an old lady who said I bought borne organdie dress goods for a shirtwaist last Tuesday and I would like to exchange them for n music box for my daughters little boy Freddie If you please The snlpfOmly nKntn showed her teeth and tho old lady ducked for cover After about 60 people had rushed ups to tho saleslady and then rushed uwny again I went over anti spoke to horI hor-I nm looking I said for a birthday present for my wife I want to got some thing lint will give her a great amount of pleasure and which I can use later on as a pipe cleaner or n pair of suspend ors rsThe The saleslady fainted so I moved over At another counter another young lady said to me Have you been waited wait-ed on No11 I replied I have been stopped on sat on tad walked on but I have lot yet been waited on What do you wish Inquired tho young woman I nm looking for a birthday present for m y wife I snld I want to buy her something thnt will bring great Joy tll hor heart amid which I mightuso afterwards after-wards as n pair of slippers or a shav ng mug Tho young Indy caught mo with her dreamy ayes and held mo up ngnlnst the wall You sho screamed you complete a total of 3493 pool to who hnvo boon In this department store today without knowing what they mire doing hero nnd 1 rcfuso to bo n human encyclopaedia for tlm sake of eight dollars n week On your way for yours 1 began to apologize but sho reached down under time counter and pulled out a club This sho saId with a wild look In her sldo lumps this Is tho happy sum I L r r J IC I J 4 A Pink Necktie and a Quick Forehead Fore-head mel season but nevertheless the next guy that loaves his brains at home and tries to make mo tell him what is u good birthday present for his wife will got u bitter swipe across tho forehead It was up to mo uo I wont homo without with-out a present Copyright 1001 by G W DIllltiBlmm Co |
