Show = ii John Henry on the Benzine Buggy By hUGH Mcli UGh 4 Ciorjt V hobart I A crosscountry dub named Montrose j Mont-rose has been doing the shine spo cialty around Clara Jano lately lie began to call evenings and 4k Turing a bunch of readygrown flowers h with him nx big as a hay stack c Then hed spread around tho parlor t t f and toll her how lip won the longdis tance running Jump In the 01 Yale CIAlIII I As you approached him from the t front tho first name you saw was I Olnrrnee Clarence Edgerton Montrose Mont-rose f Wouldnt that slap you gil I dont think Clara Jane considered t H him the real kittens but he could talk l fast and use long words and she found tAi him pleasant company She salu she joveu to sit ana snaue her eyes with the elghUlollar fan I Jt r gave her and listen to Clarence Kd I gorlon Montrbsc while ho discoursed about Palestine and the Holy Land wI If he was ever there ho went In a i hack Thats the tioublo with some of ¼ those college c llle lIlsl The professors pro-fessors bent them over tho head with a geography and then as soon as they k r 7 S f 2 Jt 1t 1 H IthtrI 444 S AMc L r Hod Spead Around the Parlor and Tell How He Won the Long DIstance 1l DIs-tance Jump In the 01 Yale Class Jot a crowd around they begin to go t3 to the places that struck them hardest tr hard-est t I As an honest hardworking man It tr was my duty to put tho boots to Ed gorton and run him down tho lane as far ns the eye could BOO c So 1 framed up Clarences finish with much attention to detail iti4 1 looked over Clara Janos dates ahead and found that Clarence had rented the house for a Wednesday matinee no I hired ono of those horseless S horse-less carriage things and pulled up In front of the whitlows Just about tho 4 limo I thought His Feathers would j be playing the overture t J ij t 1 knew that Clara Jano yould cancel can-cel the contract with the mutt that mixed In just as soon as sho saw tho automobile snap I figured that the picture entitled it The True Lovers Departure In the Dream Wagon would put a crimp In te I Clarence about tho size of a barn 4 door ll S ii It was my third or fourth time behind be-hind the lover of tlu busy barouche I but I was wise that you pulled the I Plug Lola way when you waniou n togo to-go ahead and you shoved It back when you wanted It to stop itj4 When It came to benzine buggies t1 I felt that my education was complete w I was Gcorgo Qazazza tho real Ro T 1 lando when I pulled up In front of my lady friends front gato My market price was 18000 a squaro Inch In six minutes by the watch Clam I it I 1 bi r 1 4t F PrtW For II Chaser She Wore One of Those Featherboas T Jane was down and In the kerosene b11 caravan i ftWl Clarence hadnt arrived Somebody must have put him next i but I know where he lived and I llg S rod It out that after we camo back from Lonely Lane Id send tho landau around and around tho block he i camped In till I made him dizzy Clara Jano was the featuru of the game She was tho limit In ladies 6ress goods for a chaser she wore ona at those feather boas that fool cool because they look so warm Well I turned the horseless gag Into I tlie shell road and cut loose We were doing about 43 miles an fflP hour and the birdies were singing on l the way S Clarence Kdgorton Montros was r working In shaft No3 back In the i oilnes my lady friend told mo so I She wan having He time of her life v1 v I was her candy boy for sure Just thon something snapped ana tho machine started for Portland Maine on the basis of a mile In eight second Clara Jane grabbed mo around the neck and I grabbed the lover The eccentric has buckled tim thlngamajlg I yelled pushing tho lever over to stop tho carryall The thing gave mo tho horse laugh jumped over a telegraph polo bit Us way through a barbwlro fence and I The Eccentric Hat Buckled the Thlngarlnnl I Yelled then started down the road at the rata of 2000000 miles a minute Why dont you stop It screamed my lady friend Ill bo tho goat whats tho answer an-swer I said clawing tho lover and ducking tho low bridges Wo met a man on a bicycle and tho last l I saw of him as wo whizzed by ho had found a soft spot In a field about four blocks away and he was going Into It head first Wo kept his blcyclo and carried It along on our smoko stack I couldnt stop the thing to save my life Every tlmo I yanked the lovor tho snap would lot l a chortle out of his puzzle department and lly 400 feet straight through the air Wo wore headed for an old ash heap and my market prlco had gono down to three cents a ton Dont Jump I yolld to my lady friend but tho wind whisked tho llrnt half of my sentence away Clara lane gathered her skirts In a bunch and did a flying leap out of tho crazy cab She landed right In the middle of that heap of frosh ashes and she made good All I could see wan a great gray cloud as I pushed on to the next stand About half a mllo further down the road tho machine concluded to turn Into a farm yard and give tho homo folks a treat It wont through a window In tho barn out through a skylight did tho I 1ci WA Met a Mnn nn a Blnvrt n hula dance over tho lawn and then foil In tho well and stayed there panting as though Its little gnsenglno heart would break When I limped back to Clara Jane tho storm signals wore lying Sho was away out on the Ice The feather boa looked like tho hawser haw-ser on a canal boat and the ashos had Changed the pattern of her dress goods Wo wore stingy talkers on tho road home It will tale me two years to squaro myself Hereafter me to tho trolley Mo to the saucy stage coach when Im duo to gallop away and away No moro benzine buggies for yours sincerely Never again for the bughouse barouche bar-ouche Not me I have only ono consolation The chap we pried off the bicycle was Clarence Clar-ence Edgorton Montroso It will take him about three years and two months to find all the spots that foolish wagon knocked off him Meantime I hope to bo Clara lanes sugar buyer again CopyrlRlit 1901 < by C A V Dllllnglmm Co Mother Not to Be Trusted John Alexander Dowlo had a grand knack of putting things quaintly and forcibly At ono of his last meetings ho attacked the modern mother of society so-ciety the mother who neglects her children Why ho said I overheard the most remarkable conversation between be-tween two nursemaids on R car yesterday yes-terday terdaAre Are you going to the plimfc said the first nursemaid I No said the second Im afraid I shant be there Why not cried the first And you so fond too of picnics and dancing danc-ing and young men and all that there 4 Oh said the other nursemaid Id dearly love to go dearly Ilut to tell you the truth Im afraid to leave tho baby with Its mother |