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Show b. . GEORCE ABE'S .VJ ILt-XJuT TRAT XOEOTiT BY -HJOtRYJ WiT XEKHAIT. ONCE there was a fullblown Wild Peach reg stered in the Family Bible as Susan Mahaly Her Pap divided h time be tween collecting at a Toll Gate and de end ng tho M lltary Reputation ot Andy Jackson The family dwelt in what was then regarded by Cambridge Mass as the Twil ght Zone of Semi Culture viz Swigget County Pennsylvan a Susan wore Linsey Woolsey from Monday to Saturday She nevor had tampered with her Venus de M lo To 1 ography and she d d not even suspect I that Woman had Nerves When she was seventeen she had a 1 ore Arm like a Member of the Turn vere n She knew how to Card and Weave and Dye Also she could make Loose boap In a kettle out m the Open Air Susan never fell down on her Salt B sing Bread Her pple Butter was always A 1 It was commonly agreed that she would make some Man a good House keeper for she was ne er s ckly and could stay on her Teet s xtcen hours at a stretch Al eady she was beg nn ng to look down the Pike for a regular Fellow In the year 184p the Lass of seven teen who failed to get her Hooks on some roaming specimen of the Oppo 6je Gender was n danger of being wh spered about as an Old Ma d Cel b acy was listed w th Arson and Man slaughter Eufus was dest ned to be an Early ictor an Eumn y but he could lift a Saw Log and he would stand w thout be ng h tched so busan na led h m the th rd t me he came snoop ng around the Toll Gate Eufus d d not have a Window to ho st or a Tence to lean on B t there as no Poverty in any Pocket of the Un erse unt 1 Wealth arrives and be g ns to get Luggy Susan thought she was playing n rare L ek to snare a S x Footer who owned a good Sq rrel E fie and could out vrestle all Corners The H lis of Pennsylvania were be com ng congested w th Ne ghbors not more than two or three m les apart so i Eufus and h s Br de dec ded to h t a New Trail nto the Dark T mber and grow p w th the Boundless West Eclat es of the Young Couple staked them to a team of Pelters a "Vtuley Cow a Bird Dog of d b ous Ancestry an Axe and a bkillet and started them o er the D v de oward tho per lous Trout er away out yender in 111 noy It was a Hard L fe As they trundled slowly over the rotten Eoads toward the Land of Promise they had to sub s st largely on Venison Prair e Ch cken Qua 1 Black Bass Berr es and W Id I Hone They carr ed the r own Coffee Arr ed at the Jump ng Off Place j they settled down among the M nk and M sk Rats Eufus hewed out and jammed together a little two by twice Cab n w th the Flue runn ng up the outs de It looked onery eno gh to be the B rthplace of almost any Success ful imencan The Anopheles Mosq to was wa t ng for the P oneers In those good old Ch lis and Fever days no one e er blamed it on the Female of the Species Those who had the Shakes allowed that they were be ng jarred by the Hand of Prov dence I When the. fan ly ran low on Quin ne all he had to do was hook up and dnve fifty m les to the nearest Town where he would trade the Furs for Necess t es s ch as pple Jack and Navy Twist and poss bly a few Luxuries su h as Tea and Salt On one of these men orab e Tr pa to I the Store a Mood wh ch comb ned Sent n cnt w th leckless Prod gal ty se zed upon h m He thought of the bra e Won an who was back there in the loneson e Shack shoo ng the Pra re ol es away from tho Cradle aud he re ol ed to reward her f I The New Fable of Susan and the Daughter and the Granddaughter, and Then j Something Really Grand I With only three Gills of Stone Fence" nnder h s Wan mus he spread h s Wild Cat Currency on the Counter and p r chased a $6 Clock with j g saw orna ments a shiny coat of Varn sh and a Bouquet of Pink Hoses on the door Susan burst into Tears when she saw it on the Wall alongs de of the Turkey "Vving and vowed that she had narr ed the Best Man in the World Twenty years later Jenn e the first begotten Ch ck at the Log House n the Clear ng had matured and n arr ed and was 1 v ng at the County Seat w th H ran Money Changer and Merchant Ea lroad Tra ns S de Bar Bugg es Coal 0 1 lamps and the Civ 1 War had come along with a Eush and d sar 1 7 ! All the local Gallants with Cocoa oil m their hair and Rings on their Cravats backed into the shrubbery ranged pr n, t ve Cond t ons The Fron t er had retreated away o er into Kansas In the very Township where of late the Beaver had to led w thout H n , drance and the Bed Fox dug h s hole un scared people were now eat ng Cove Oysters and go ng. to see East Lynne H ran was in rugged Health having defended the flag by Proxy during the recent outcropp ng of Acr mony be tween the devotees of Cold Bread ana the slaves of Hot B scu t The bubsti tute had been perforated beyond repa r ,at the Battle of Kenesaw Mountain proving that H ram made no mistake in remaining beh nd to tend Store When Jenn e moved n where she could hear the Tra ns wh stle and began to sport a Cameo Brooch she could barely remember vearing a Slip and having Stone Bru ses Hiram was Near but he would loosed ip a trifle for h s own Fireside The fact that Jenn e was h a Wife gave her qu te a Stand ng with him He ad m red her for having made such a Sue cess of her L fe They lwelt in a two story Frame w th countless Dewdads and Th ngum bobs tacked along the Eaves and Seal loped around the Bay W ndows The Country People who came n to see the E ghth Wonder of the World used to stand in silent Awe breathing through their Noses 0 t on the Lawn surrounded br Ceran urns was a Cast Iron Deer wh ch seemed to be look ng at the Court House in a startled Manner It was that kind of a Court House In her Front Boom the daughter of Kufus and Susan had wonderful Wax Flow e?s spr nkled with D amond Dust a What Not bear ng M neral Spec mens Conch Shells and a Star F sh also soii e Ha r Cloth Fi rn ture very si p pory and pholstered w th Sand After Hiram gave her the Black S lk and pa d for the Crayon Enlargements of her Parents Jenn e did not have the Face to bone him for anyth ng more but she longed n secret and H ran suspected Jenn e was a Soprano Not a egular Soprano but a Country Town Soprano of the k nd often sed for augment ng the Gr ef at a Funeral Her vo ce came from a po nt about two inches above the Eight Eye She had ass sted a Quartette to do th ngs to Juan ta and somet mes tossed out 1 ttle H nts about wish ng she could pract ce at Home Jennie was a N ce 'Woman tut she d d need Prae t ce A though H ram was t ghter than the Bark on a Sycamore he 1 ked to have other Women envy the Mother of h s Children When he spread himself from a Sh n Plaster he expected a Fanfare of Trumpets It took hin a long t me to unw nd the String from the Wallet but he would Dig if he thought he was boost ing h s own Game By stealth ly short we ght ng the Country Trade and holding out on the Assessor he succeeded n salt ng away numerous Kopecks n one corner of the Safe While in Ch eago to buy h s Winter Stock he barga ned for two days and finally bought a Cottage Melodeon with the Stool thrown n Jenn e wou d s t p and pump for Hours at a t me happy in the knowl edge that she had drawn the Cap tal Pr ze n the Lottery of Hymen In the year 1886 there was son e ChurcE Wedd ng at the Co nty Seat Frances da gl ter of II ram and Jen n e had knocked the Town a Tw ster when she came home from the Female College wear ng Bangs and tot ng a Tennis Eacquet All the local Gallants w th cocoa O 1 n the r ha r and B ngs on the r Cra ats bacl ed nto the Sh ubberj H ram had bought 1 er abo t $1800 wo -th of Haute r at the select Inst tu t on of Learu ng I bhe had to do was look at a A 1 age through he Nose Specs and he would curl up like an Autumn Leaf 4. Cuss from Ch cago came to see her e ery f e v w eeks H s Tro sers seemed to be chok ng h m The Pompadour was protected by a Derby of the Fr ed Egg spec es It was the k nd that Joe Weber helped to keep m Publ c Eeinembrance B t in 1886 t was de E geur au I a t and a la Mode Frances would load the accursed C ty Chap nto the h gh Ca t and exh b t h n up and down ar the Ees dence Thoroughfa es On nearly every Front Po ch some G rl whose Father was not interested n the F rst Nat onal Bank would peer o t through the Morn ng Glor es at the Pageant and then writhe like an Angle Worm The Wefid ng was the b ggest th ng that had struck the town s nee Fore paugh stopped over on h s way from Peor a to Decatur Frances was not a popular G rl en account of be ng so Upp sh bp those who could not fight the r way into the Church cl mbed up and looked through the W ndows The Groom wore a Swallow Tail Most of those present had seen P c tares of the Dress Su t In the Fire s de Companion the Gentleman wear ng one always had Curls and the Wood Engraving Caught h m n the act of str k ng a Lady m the Face and saying Curse youl The Feel ng at the County Seat was that F ances had taken a Desperate Chance The Caterer w th Colored Help n Wh te Gloves the ruby Punch suspected of conta n ng Liquor the Japanese Lan terns attached to the Maples the real Lace n the Veil the gl tter ng Array of P ckle Jars and a well defined B mor that most of the mported Ushers had been Stewed gave te agitated Hamlet someth ng to blat about for many and many a day The Bachelor of Arts grabbed off by the daughter Of Jenn e and the grand daughter of Susan was the owner of Eeal Estate m the congested Bus ness Distr qt of a Town which came into Publ c Attent On late on through the efforts of Frank Chance H s front name was W loughby but Frances always called h m Dear no matter what she happened to be th nk ing at the time Part of State Street had been w shed on to W Ho ghby He was afraid to sell not know ng how to re nvest So he sat back an 1 played safe W th grow ng Del ght he watched the Un earned Increment piling up on every Corner He began to see that he would be fa rly busy all h s life jack ng up Eents ' The Bed Brick Fortress to wh ch he conducted Trances had Stone Steps in front and a secret Entrance for low y Trades people at the rear Willoughby and h s w f e had the h gh courage of Youth and the Financ al Suppo t of all the Money Spendeis along State Street so they started m on Period Deco at on Ea h Boom n the Ho se was s pposed to stand for a Per od, Some of them stood for a good deal A few of the Per ods looked 1 1 e Ex cla nation Po nts The young couple d sreganjef the Toll Gate Per od and the Log Cab n Per od but they worl ed in e ery one of the Lo es until the G It Furniture gave o t The del ghted Ca ler at the House be s le the Lake would pass from an East Ind an Corr dor thro gh an Early Colonial Ante Eoom nto a Japanese Bo do r and after rest ng h s Hat wo Id be escorted nto the Ital an Bena ssance Draw ng Kooni to meet the Hostess Iron th s exquis te Apart ment wh ch ate i one year s Bent of a popular Buffet near Van Buren Street there could be obta ned a ravish ng gl n pse of the Turk sh Cozy Corner beyond nclud ng the Battle Axes and the Bed Lamp Frances soon began to hob nob with the most lei atessen C rcles nclud ng Fam 1 es that dated ba 1 to the F re of 18 1 She was not at all Dizzj e en when she ooked down fron the Mountain Peak at her yappy B rthplace 15 000 feet below Willo ghby turned out to be a satis factory Ho semate H s Voltage was not h gh but he always ate Peas w th a Fork and never pulled at the Leash when taken to a Mus cale In front of each Ear 1 e carr ed a neat Area of Human Ivy so that he could speak up at a Meet ng of D rectors Unt 1 the year 189o the restr cted Side Wh sker was an accepted Trade Mark of Conime c al Prob ty Th s Fac al Landscap ng the Frock Coat and a steadfast devot on to Toilet Soap made him suitable for Exhib tion P rposes Frances became almost fond of h m after he Honeymoon evaporated and the r Eomance r pened nto Acq a nt ancesh p It was a gladsome day for both when she traced the Dope back through Sw g get County Pennsylvania and d scov ered1 that she was an honest to goodness Daughter of the Amer can Eevo ut on Willoughby could not ask a repre sentatfve of good old Colonial Stock to r de around in a st ngy Coupe v th a Coon planted out on the Weather Seat He changed the Terms n several Leases and was enabled to si p her a hot Surpr se on the B rthday When she came down the Ejteps for the s al bowl along the A en e so as to get some Fresh Smoke she beheld a rubber t ed V ctor a drawn by two expens ve Bang Ta Is in j nglj Harness and sum ounted by n portant Turks n overwhelm ng Li erj She vas so trancif ed with Del ght that she went r ght over to W loughby and ga e h m a Sweet K ss after look ng about rather ca efully for the ex posed port on of the Front sp ece Frances d d a. lot of Call ng w th n the next two weeks and to all those who ren arl ed on the smartness of the Equ p-ige she lecla ed that the Man she ha 1 to p t w th carr ed a Th obb ng Heart e on f he was an In tellect al M dge In the jear 1913 a slender loung Th ng all of whose Hab 1 ments seemed melt ng and dnpp ng downward came wear ly from Stateroom B as the Tram p led nto Eeno Nevada She see ned qu te alone e cept for a cou le of Ma 1 Afte she had g on D ect ons con cern n, the n ne Wardrobe Tr nks and the L ve tock she was motored to a spec ally reserved Cottage at the cor ' ner of Liberty Street and Hope Avenue Next day she sat at the other s de of a Table f om a Lawyer removing the po soned Javel ns from her fragile Per son and hold ng them up before the shudder ng Shyster She had a Tale of Woe calculated to pulp a Heart of Stone In blocking out the Af fidav t her sympathetic Attorney made Petic 1 Notes as follows Her name was Ethel Louise fa or te Daughter of W 1 oughby and Fiances the well known Blue Bloods pi the Western Metropol S She hdd fin shed off at M ss Sn ffie a exclus ve School which overlooked the Hudson and tl e Common School Branches After she learned how to entet a The Legal Adviser said Death was too good for such a Fiend Ball room and wh le on her way to at tack E rope for the th rd me the V per crossed her Pathway She accepted h m because h s 'name was Hubert he looked 1 ke an Engl sh man and one of his Ancestors turned the water into Chesapeake Bay Whi e some of the Weia were still in the Hospuff! pract ce the most diabolical d He -.nduced her to get and go cr s ng throng ft. ranean when she wanted!?? Apart nent n Pans At Monte Carlo h9 J9 borrowing 3000 Francs froflK Grand Duke after she n2.L bucking the Wheel Skwj Duke at a Luncheon the i3P his Manners were per?etjBV The Lawjer said that rM Pup beyond all Cav 1 WT Caro Egypt yielW?B Dark Chapter of H storyM1 It can e out in tie soV that Hubert had presesfcaftV $900 prise w nn ng PonuS' ly related to the famous. flF ' the Countess Skidoogan Later on he seemed t M & Pomeranian had comebthZ?1 Ethel The StuatwBhHm, more tense and finally ! Egypt Within pla n sirttW tic Pyram ds he kicked so hard and ra se qottiS The Legal iv ser stjS too good for guch a Fi3T In Vienna though tint ,u he went so far that Saputli inevitable Ethel had decided to take Pearl Necklace she had stej dow It was eas ly wort, Un and she felt sure she could p without paying Duty She W ver successful at bnngu( , Home She could hardly hel e t Iti when Hubert told her to lap back up and come out ol thit World and al ght on the Pin. He had been Heartless (, p Occas ons but th s itai th( fc, he had been Mean enough to it f mere s de issue such aa com j with the Loose- Change Ethel was s mply de tern ned t that Necklace but the irafecluj tried to kid her out of ft) J Then he started in to ?iteH gested a $20 000 Tarara of sS D amond3 as a Comp om se Eti) came wise to He Fact til ib joined oat with a Wad. While she was pulling t m. Headache in the hope of hmj to Taw the Maharajah of Unit came along and bought (he ivb That was when Ethel had toll to a Best Cure in thi Austnu and sh4 never had been he Saai an s nee To all who had come p iH Eeconc hat on Ethel sunpyta the Card Nothing Doing After a Brute has jumps! r down on the Aching Heart i of proud Lineage he can t iqu. self in 1 000 000 Yea t So sa d Ethel between ft Tears Furthermore there had te less Incompat h hty In iH & they were together they nvsk able to agree on a Turku! Op The profess onal Home-Bis!" she had enough on Hubert Is f four Divorces The Decreet aiPPe Ethel sa d she hoped so Bills push it along as she bad qui e ing List Moral Eufus had no be ing the Clock |
