Show THE TIIE FABLE OF HO HOW WEDDINGS HA HAVE VE SOLD OFF By Dr GEORGE ADE 0 Dell 8 Syndicate Son let about that durIng this IT v very y October Rosalie only daugh daugh- daughter daughter daughter ter of ot Mr and Mrs W J Jella- Jella Jella-by Jella by was fairly dragged to the Altar by Walter whoso Fa- Fa Father Father Fa Father ther owns the Furniture Factory and pays a Income Tax even It lie he does docs hire an Expert to protect him so BO that on the Day when hen their high grade Offspring left them forever maybe Mr and Mrs could hardly refrain from doing Jig Steps Th The Architect who planned the Home had not counted on takIng care ot of guests at one onetime onetime onetime time consequently when the bIg Doings were pulled off about half ot of the Ringside Spectators were parked JIn in Hallways When the Bids went out out no one ono was overlooked because the Young Foung People would need almost everything when they started In to furnish a large Apartment Mr and Mrs decided to cut It wide and handsome because r thIs would bo be their only Chance to tomake tomake tomake make a Splash on the Society Page Besides they hey figured It wouldn't cost any more to put on the Show than It would to keep Rosalie In StockIngs for another year They were getting rid of ot the main Ex Ex- Expense pens pens pense Account and could afford to bust over A Golden Gibbie So they had a Strip of Red fled Car Car- Carpet Carpet Carpet pet Malden Hair Ferns a special Harpist secreted behind Palms n a Caterer who brought a II ot of and a Rector who was so eo High Church that you couldn't understand what he saId Everything was Oo Oo-la-la and rIght up to the Handle Kandla A great Day for forthe forthe forthe the You said It It It was a Daylight affair 12 o'clock Central Time with mth everything sped up be because use tho the Young Couple had to get the Limited so as to catch the Boat for Europe which Rosalie rath rath- rather rath- rath rather rather er wanted to see as she had never been east cast of Akron The Tho Main Bout went off orr great It had bad been rehearsed until It was ns as smooth as a II Belasco First NIght They had bad Bridesmaids who looked like festooned Marshmallows and terrIfied little Girls strewing Posies and a freshly shaven Male Body BodyGuard BodyGuard BodyGuard Guard In Undertaking Costumes whose collars were too tight It was was a regular Wedding After the two Principals had been legally welded and the rabid Assemblage was fighting for Lobster Salad and PImiento Sandwiches of course there were all sorts BOrtS of Comments mostly right out In the Open and favorable Nearly everybody saId that the Bride looked cunning and had done very well by herself In snaring a Gabble Gibbie who probably had hada hada a million already with more insight In sight and was sufficiently educated to sign Checks even eyen It If he be couldn't read a Book What you might call an tin Ideal Husband Punch I Among those who were trying to last It out was a ruddy old Bach Bach- Bachelor Bachelor Bachelor elor who who dated back to the Happy Days when they locked people up for tor discussing Birth Control but per per- permItted permitted matted them to drink Absinthe lIe was sitting over In a corner with two ossified Crabs who could almost remember the Mexican War and lie he was telling them what a Hardship It was to get up at sunrise In order to see eee somo some weak brained Youth Jump over the Precipice Its all aU right It if you suffer from Insomnia said sail the unmarried Rene Rene- Renegade Itene- Itene Renegade gade but now that I am up what am I going to do all the rest of ot the day Whoever Invented these 12 o'clock Weddings had a 11 swell Idea with the reverse English Walt till tIle the Whistle blows and then hop bop to Jt it I am telling you that In the by- by bygone gono by-gono gone gono Era when Nights were not wasted on Slumber It would have been Leen Impossible to have this Show at Noon At that Hour the Groom was always in a Turkish Bath try try- trying trying ing to get back on Earth after the DInner for tor tho the Best man the Ush Ush- Ushers Ushers ers era and all others who happened to tobo tobe tobo bo be thirsty As n a Rule Rulo the Lads didn't come up for Air until 0 6 P M MNo No one knew when the Ceremony would take place After all the Stragglers had answered the Roll Roll- Roll Call Call then tho the Preacher was gt given en the High Sign and told to shoot the Works A Rough House Meal I Things ha have vo come to a direful Pass when they get to have one Plain Clothes Man to watch the Presents and two to watch the tho Guests The Refreshments may con con- contain con tain tain tam o a n lot of ot Vitamins but they are aro on and No one wants to make a II Speech The Bride hasn't peen been mussed up The Decora Decora- Decorations Decorations Decorations remain Stationary Ill I'll say the Party Is a Flop In a secluded Apartment nt where the ladles ladies had stacked their Wraps II a well preserved Matron was letting oft Steam I can remember said she when the wedding Breakfast was a sit sit- sit down down affair which lasted for Hours and all those present wouldn't have to cat eat an anything for Days and Da Days s 's after atter It was all over Instead ot of putting 11 Tt S V P on the lower Corner of the Invite they put Cafeteria Service It If you haven't trained for or ono one of ot these Al- Al Af r fairs tho the Chances are that the tho time you ou get to tho the Trough there thero will bf x nothIng left leCt except Olives The only safe Plan is to bring your own Lunch or else wear a n Gymnasium Suit SuIL At this another Old Girl said that thai she could remember when Getting Get Getting ting Married was an Event Instead ot of a mere Incident That Is to say when tIle the Twain stood up to re receive their Sentences there was I much Weeping because the Wit Witnesses nesses know knew that both of them were to In for Life the tho Word Wording Why dont don't they change ing lag she sho demanded Instead ot of that antiquated Apple Sauce Sauco about stayIng on the Job until death do dous dous dous us part why not make It until we get fed up on Each other No Over Left-Over Lady you put a whole Chapter Into a couple of ot Lines said the first Matron It seems only yesterday when all the Folks on the SIde Lines Side were worried about the little Fawn FaWD who was going to emerge from the Sheltered Life and assume the large ResponsibIlIties of ot Life Nowadays the Fawn is Just as timid as a Ben Ben- Bengal Bengal Bengal gal Tiger She has looked up his In Dun and Bradstreet and she knows to a Nickel what she can shake out of ot him every Year She Is stage managing tho the whole Spec Spec- Spectacle Spectacle and tho the Parents are arc taking Or Or- Orders Orders Orders ders It she seems Nervous It Is because she Is wondering If her Picture Pic PIc- PIcture Picture ture will show up all 1111 right In the I Ican cnn can even eren remember when th the Brides used to faint All that thatIs thatis thatIs Is out Nowadays the Groom is the only one ono who looks as It if he needed a Trained Nurse Did you hear bear about the Secret Ballot taken at a School for GIrls last Month y asked her friend It seems that each of the tho Graduates was given a n Questionnaire in which occurred the Query Would you Marry Just for Money The returns showed that that 99 09 per cent of ot the Sweet Young Things answered vered You know It and then the underlined the Words When I married my Abner I 1 knew that he lie had put his Roll Into the 14 Spark Diamond and owed for the Suit In which he stood up but I took a chance because I felt fell that his Love for me was such that thaI ice he could get out and get anything not spiked down We rode away In Ina ina Ina a Hired Hack and took a Day Dap Coach to Springfield where here we saw the Capitol Building and the first Else Elec Electric Lights When I go to a Wed Wedding Wedding Wedding ding now I hear everybody asking Which one of ot them has the Coin Coln It seems to be taken for granter grantee that Nobody will tackle Matrimony unless there Is enough h of a n Fund to take care of ot the Overhead In the meantime the Caterer packing up and he was heard to leP one of the Colored Boys lloys that ther was no longer any Salvage lie He said that Weddings had become such e 8 ebore bore that the Mob Iob tried to eat It Itself itself Itself self Into forgetfulness forgetfulness MORAL The Usual Charge Chargo b by bya ba a Justice of the Peace Is 2 |