Show On or Get se Rich j I AT IDIOT VT By John t I THE GEN GENIAL IA IDIOT Quick Qu ick Schemes JL 1 Fl JL L 11 A Kendrick fangs Bangs HE trouble with the world nowadays is isI 1 I that everybody in it wants wang to get pt rich in a aI T 1 hurry hurtT said 14 Mr Brier Brief From the UM highest I M to the lowest Mt rung rang of the lad er of finance the chief hie idea seems memo to be lye to Sad find a fortune ready made Ie IeA As A a result legitimate opportunity is lost Jo t and alt all the th energies of the land Janel are ducted directed toward speculation What the ue matter with you this tJ morning Mr Brief asked asit d the Idiot Got your fingers horned burned on r the th street streetT No sir Mr Wall Wit street possesses no allurements allurement for forme to forme me tnt Moreover Konover there is nothing the matter with me I Iha have ha just been reflecting r upon certain tendencies elides of oC oCt the t he day in which I seem to went scent danger to our pros proe prosperity herity l said amid the Lawyer The world is Ia too full tun of Get Rich Quick schemes me Mm lien f n are arr no longer satisfied Us ed to grow ow rk riot riba slowly I dont believe they t ever were said Id the th Idiot You Tou cant point to a period In hi history whoa when those these who were in the money making business go 0 at atit atIt it right up to the speed peEd limit All Baba Dab and aDd his hi board of forty fort y directors old Midas touching everybody ever ody and everything for gold John W Croesus the multimillionaire 1 of or ancient times Jason Ta on looking for the tRe Golden Fleece Monte Cristo with his Island full tull of Kohl 3 J pick ick Turpin with his suburban franchises Captain Kidd with hi hia shipping trust and all II the rest ret of em emerY every erY Captain of Industry that has stuck his h head bead above aboe water ater from th the beginning bf of time has bu been a if I may use nee the expression There any bunco about their business how however howver however ever ver ald said Mr II Brief Not even In that tha of ot Dick DIek Tur Tut pin 11 n and Captain CaptIn Kidd They sailed aUed right ht in m for what hat they th y wanted tend and made no bones about making makinI a flat statement of their intentions They TIley issue Inoue any alluring prospectuses e designed to coax the money out of the stockings of or the farmers they float themselves on cn n an unsuspecting market sad and sell II quarts of preferred stock tock to the dear public for ten times its Ita value It was plain stand and deliver in to those thOM days Oh nonsense e said the Idiot What tae me use Ulle of or r talking that way What do you know about the de details details details tails of the business methods of other days clap What proof have you that that Midas touch they talk so 80 much about was WU anything more than a great big gold goldbrick goldbrick goldbrick brick game after all With a pot of gilt gUt furniture polish I can touch a length of lead pipe ripe and lo to the eye it will turn to gold and if It I have the patience somewhere some day I shall find somebody to take it off my any hands at t per cent profit Or that other chap ch Jason getting set up his h expedition to go SO out after the Golden Fleece Meece How do you know knout that thai Jason get that enterprise financed at the expense of the dear public of his hla day Cant you imagine the widows widow and orphans of Jasons TallOn time flocking to the office of the Golden Fleece company and begging to be let in on tb the ground round floor of that enterprise e Jason meanwhile sell Rn selling sellIng ing em shares at 75 76 for the preferred and 46 45 for the common commO 1 with second mortgage bonds I at t par and ac so accrued accrued interest It was wu a golden opportunity for tor a fleece neece all right ri and Ill In wager the gold went to the bund bond holders and nd the fleece to the stockholders in the same ume merry old way W that we have now There were two enterprises es of ot ancient times that tha you omitted said KId the satirically with witha a wink at the Lawyer Robin Hood and his 1118 Merry Kerry MerryMen MerryMen I Men and the Goose Goo e that laid the Golden Eggs By I Jove so I did dd and they are the precise ones Oneil I should have recalled In defence of ot the present day clay as a mono moDO monopolist monopolist pollet of Get Rich Quick schemes rejoined the Idiot They were both of them Get Rich Quick enterprises enterprise en enoC of oC the first water Perhaps you OU will remember that ut Robin Hood never robbed the poor Did you ever stop to think why He could get rich quicker robbing Ie the rich why and as for tor the Goose that laid the Ute Golden Eggs Begs if It the owner of that fowl in a hurry harry to Get Rich Quick Q iek when wen not con content content content tent with the interest he be cut the bird open to get at atthe atthe atthe the principal I dont know mho ever was wa Would any grasping modern do such urh a fool tool thing as that T liven Even EvenIn ven in this land of rapId money making can you conceive of such an act as that I guess sue not The most mo t varl avaricious avaricious cious elous American owning a bid of that sort would have kept her alive in luxury fed her on the fat tat of the corn cornfield field AekI clad her ber in purple and studied the breed until be he was in a position to have ha voe some sonto of those th eggs hatched with a fait prospect of continuing the tile species species cies deL Instead of killing her for a p try itry advance in eggs hed bed have multiplied her diet by Jingo until she and her children and her ber grandchildren would have laid radium eggs silver eggs copper eggs e p pla tinum eggs egg eggs egg of every known kind of precious metal until the day finally dawned damned when hen me mh m instead d dof of going to the Klondike or negotiating a note at a national bank to get money to pay their bills hUI would wo have baye merely to go KO out to the goose goo e coop and get pt the wherewithal When I think of ot what we of or today have to suffer because e what might t have been has baa been made impossible Im by that Get Rich Quick idiot of o cen can centuries centuries ago I r want nt to die right away so at Gnat l I can ca get over the dark river and lick the life Ufe him for his hla murderous crime Think of all the evils evil that have re resulted resulted because that goose died without offspring t p It Itis Itis is l to get money or its Ita equivalent that most m t of the great crimes of the day are committed Avarice per personal 1 and aDd political has baa grown out of the Ute desire deaths d for greater possessions lons and the value of these the t is III measured meas measured by b gold SOld If It there bad had been a goose with a aen gold golden en lay in evey family in all the misery crime suffering and woe of ot poverty would nave been eliminated from our out social system forever f and yet with this tact fast before your y ur eyes you indict your own ben day as being inferior interior to that one We still have geese even if it we get set only Vise base metal from em emu said Id Mr ir Brief Right RiCht you are responded re the Idiot And like Uke other birds bird of a feather we are still putting up at t the tile same me boarding house boWIe But there is 18 a great t deal d in an what what hat you say ny about people neglecting the every day lay 7 opportunities Mr Mt Brief We Ve have Oh on every side of ofus 0 ofus us ua neglected negI fields of hum endeavor St fields Mi that t at It if cultivated would return an abundant reward to te those who chose to avail aall of ot the opportunities they offer I r believed It until you said aid it said ald Mr lie Brief I Iland land find myself becoming sceptical however after your pronouncement eRt Well suppose I name a few said Mid the Idiot and andin andIn andin in naming them convict myself m ef of turning my back ba k kupon upon a steady income that is I twice tui NI large as I en enjoy enjoy enjoy joy now D W In the first place take these theae Insurance ance anee Companies that confront us u at every step I ep Theres There Theresa a I chance for a heroic soul Nul to make a big g living with without without without out getting out of bed more than once a month Oh Tommy Rot ejaculated the Lawyer There any money mone canvassing for Accident Insurance Companies Solicitors commissions never nev made an in independent Independent independent dependent fortune for tor anybody Who said Mid anything about solicitors commissions commissions asked the Idiot Im rm sure I never did cUd Then how bow can you make this tb income you speak of ot ofin otIn ofin in the Accident Insurance business t demanded the Lawyer Simplicity itself said the Idiot As one of the insured It requires a lot of nerve but hut it can be bedo done e eYou You take out an n Accident Insurance In ura Policy that costa you about 10 and if you are hurt in an D accident the company pays you 60 O 8 a week until you OU get pt well wen agate again All youve got to do is 18 to go out the day dar niter after youve paid your premium and break a leg or an arm or something some something thing of ot that kind and add there you are You Tou are laid up for six BIx weeks and while hUe you lie De there in bed Ded reading Tolstoi or a comic paper letting your leg knit Itself together again in comes come a check for fer fifty solid ammo simo leant leens every Monday morning as R regular as 88 clock work Then when you are quite recovered out you go int the public highway step tep on a small boys slide and a 4 bump over you go and back to the u hospital tal with wit a couple of busted ribs riM Six more weeks at fifty per Why Wb in the language o of oC Brook Farm its Jt a regular ch chEven Even Mr Ir Brief Briel smiled You Tou find it very easy eT he observed Id rd like to know why hy not said the Idiot To get wet into a smashup hup these theM days is easier than not What with automobiles automobile dashing by b at the rate ot of five a minute subway ditches yawning before your fatter falter lag hag feet electric cars car booming along the Til like a Dowies Dowles Army of Juggernauts let loose signs beto being blown off oft of houses hou e by heavy winds the man who claims claIm that tbt it lent easy to mulct an Accident Insurance Insurance ance anee Company with all aU these opportunities for break breaking breaking ing inc his bla bones on every side icle know knew what he Is Ia talking about If I only had the nerve Id rd go KG into it tomorrow Then theres the tariff schedule of the trolley companies why a regular r mint Do you yott yo know what bat the law 1 says a mans man toe tae is worth if ifa Ifa a trolley car ear cuts cuffs c it off Mr Brief Briel confessed that he be had not ea into lAw the matter Twelve hundred and fifty dollars dollar Idiot what the law says aya If It I wore were to have hemy my littlest lit littlest littlest pinky removed tomorrow by an electric car the court of last resort says to the treasurer of the corn com company pany Sir that will cost you 1250 Pay Fay up and I get a cheek check for fer that amount by return reties math mail II Of course ZIO of or it goes to the lawyers but it ft leaves leave rde me 1990 1 net Det that I can use uee instead of one small aman digit that r really cut much mach of a figure in my nuances At that rate every man living carries about with labs him himat at ataU atall all hours of or the day and night a snug little of ot 1 hidden away in his hla socks BOCks That lust just ier ter himself alone If 11 he happens happen to be a married man with tea ten children he lids has h under his hie control assets amounting to all there and negotiable e et ry time Ume the bell ben rings Some day when our beaks banks and aad trust tru t companies realize realise the cash ca h vale vahle of a mans iBana anatomy they wont be se so coy about bout lending mosey y to a chap who cant put up tip three times as U musk much MI as ha he needs as a collateral securities Very Interesting Indeed said Mold the lawyer Bat B t teven even if you negotiate all alla your toes tON wont t gw go very far tar in la times time like these the e a After your toes have han Mea hewn squandered then what happens r You are on your our uppers of course said MI the tI Idiot 1 aDd and then tileD your fortune begins to come ht In more mora ray rap idly A leg is Sa worth 5 an arm ann is III worm wort tea nee your ribs can caa be negotiated singly y or by the at Me M apiece and as for your ears a s rood good ear brio a any anywhere aj ay r where from 1000 to SI 2500 OO I tell t nOU you gentlemen every everyman everyman man in these days is a regular Klondike ana atas is so JIO de ink denominated nominated by the repeated repealed verdicts of the law Jaw JawAnd lawAnd And your neck I suppose that is 1 the most valuable able aWe of all allU asked the What w M i they pay you for that r Not a cent cant said Rid the Wet Some necks have brought MM M but the money all goes oes to th the owners heirs and lid assigns That Is te one of the lne eC ei eithe the law Jaw Silence ensued Woken only by bs 1 the rustling of et Marys skirts as sHe K pawed passed the Ute b buckwheat cakes Rare Here I say cried the Lawyer as the Idiot t trans transferred tI M time the whole dose to his ala own plate N Dont take em alL aIL Sty Sir replied the Idiot reaching for the th syrup You have just lust been complaining that we neglect the u legitimate opportunities that confront us Do be ee e con consistent alt t I am only availing myself of one or nine mine Copyright 1903 by John Russell Davidson n i |