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Show NEWSPAPER WAIFS. A celebrated gourmand once" said: "To enjoy a siuflWi turkey thoroughly there sliould bo only two present yourself ana tho turkey." A Milwaukee man went to a meeting meet-ing in London one evening, lind when the cockneys s-iid, " 'ear, 'ear," he took fur a personal allHsion, aud got out. "Thero is a pVtloiphy in Udini' hats," siiys an exchange. Vos; it begins at live dollars and runs up 10 forty. It beats nil how expensive philosophy is. At a medical examination a young applicant lor a physician's diploma was asked: "When does morlili cation ca-tion ensue?" "When you propose and are rejected," was the reply. "Why is it, my dear sir," said Walllea' landlady to him the oilier day, "that you newspaper men never get rich?" "X don't know," was hi? reply, except it is that dollars and sense do not always travel together. ,: The superiority of in.in to nature is continually illustrated in literature ; and life. .Nature needs an immense quantity of quills to make a goose with; butt a man can make a goose of himself in five minu'.ei .villi one quill. Intelligent housemaid: "Oh, please miss, there was a young gentleman called when you was out. lie didn't leave no curd, mUs, but I can show you who ho is, 'cauee there's three of his pbotygraphs in your album." Two newspaper in luly have sv cured, and daily put forth in their prospectus for this year, the blessing ot the pope for all their editors unit printers. Nothing is said ol the proof-readers. They are beyond the reach ot blessings. Dr. Newman spoke in a recent sermon of "the sad funeral procession" proces-sion" wh?cU followed Abel to the grave. An irreverent woman in the audience nudged her companion and whieuercd: "Not such a large procession, pro-cession, but very aclcct, none but the l'irt families." In a suburban school ft teacher gave out tho word "psalter" t. u clues in spelling. It wus a "poser" to all till it reached the foot ot the class, when a cu.'ly-headal little fellow fel-low spelled it correctly, mid on being a--ked to oVfnie it, bhouted out, "Moro salt!" "An' how far might a square bt ?'' said a patriot Btranger to a patriot driver o(a Market Hlreet car. "riure, an' if ye was a HuUydclphian like mesuW, ye wud know it's to the next corner." "An' is it thin," sa:d the patriot Btrmigor, "fwhat wo New Yaarkers call a block?" "An' it is." in India was much discussed by frequent fre-quent complaints made by his men concerning their rations, and at lat interviewed the sergeant-major in regard re-gard lo the matter. "Urumbleulxxit rations,11 naid tho latter; "why ol oourrio they do, sir; and so they would if ou was to feed them on toasted angels !" A boy of five years was "pUying railroad" with a sister of two and u half ytiare. Drhwing her upon a fuulslool, ho imagined himsell bnlli tho engino and conductor. Alter imitating tho pulling noise of tho attain, ho stopped and called out "New York," and in a moment alter "I'aterron," and then "l'liila-delphia." "l'liila-delphia." His knowledge of towns was now exhausted, and at the arxl place he cried "Heaven." His hltle sister said eagorly, "Top, I desa I'll dit out here." Tho other day a very nict young mau, when tho storm came up, chased after a lovely yotinu lady two bluuks and a hall to shield her from the fury of tho olcmeuU, and then wlipn alio accepted bis courteously proflered aid and ho opened the cprcading parnrhute above her maidenly maid-enly head, her eyes stood out ou her cheeks when eho read her father's namo painted in two-inch Utters on the alpaca. And he- ho was so mortified that ho tried to die half a do7,en times while ho waa walking lotuo with her, and mado up his mind that ho would drown tbo next time before ho would grab up an urn-brella urn-brella in tho postollico without locking lock-ing at it. |