Show I r l I J J l f J ti i r r i r p 1 l f c i r 1 t J f J I 1 I. I Hi f. f Y 4 I i P t- t y mJ t. t I ai t f T i fl t J t il 1 i iti ti v r 11 r i f J T t I J k fi J- J I r. i r t X r l I. I t t ig i t rs- rs r f t 3 f t i-t i J Of 1 1 1 i S C I el c O pJ 11 7 L e ll r f-d f ii I f. f f T. T t Ir r I I l' l t. t r Mammals are happiest home after dark dark dark- CHARACTERS cI IN THE PLAY THE WIFE VV i. i r r fl THE HUSBAND ND L WE TIlE HUCKSTER 1 Copyright by the author and not to be produced without written permission 1 f iCENE CENE TIC The characters arc four lour husband wife the voice of 01 a and and the curtain Husband and wile wife might bc be two i 1 c The scene is a miniature dining room large C gh to contain a small moll table two chairs a a. tiny sideboard an en cn window a a- closed l d door leading to Lo the other rooms and aud addi addi- I Ml 01 elbow space Pantomime is modestly indulged by hus husband t I suggesting an Un inoffensive parody of tile the contours of 0 i airs lin Burmese dances i I At As thc She curtain which is painted in festoons of 01 vegetables 1 Jet gravely tile the wife is disclosed setting tile thc table le for din dinner ncr J iJ b bU thc sideboard sue she has iLas attended to her place as witness neat arrangement of plate cup and saucer an anu 1 nile knife fork fork- at one side Now Jow more consciously sll begins egins the tite 1 4 u oj VI me Hit ct c- c n t duty opposite This flan tion of concert para para- and the action thereupon might come be le left entirely to tobe It be Imagination of the beoM be be- oM r. r 7 WIFE wistfully I k II Put a ft knife here t. t i. i place a fork there there there- 1 marriage e Is greater than love lore Give GITe him a large spoon give gt him a small small small- youre you're sure of ot your man i when hen yu dine him A J cup for tor his coffee a 3 saucer for 1 a plate rimmed with witha u a roses I k to hold bold his nights night's fill- fill fn fogs fogs- if I 1 r roses es for he hearts ah ah f but tut food for tor the appe J tile tHe r t are happiest home hone after afler dark darl The Tile rite rUc over he hc c stands off oU in t. t f. f critical admiration v her hr arms arrn akimbo 1 her lIer J bObbing R from TORI side Ide in tn SHE Good SHE Good evening enins sweet husband Ir HE Good Good evening ening sweet wife wIre 7 SHE SHE Youre Youre You're back Im I'm so BO happy happy- s sHE HE So HE-So So am I I a day day day- l' l SH SHE a a. day j HE For lIE For a hot sweating donkey a. SHE SHE SHE-My My poor dear poor spouse spouse spouse- i Ja 4 5 i HE No HE-No No no my good 09 d mouse mouse mouse- SHE SHE Rest your tired weary arms arms arms- J fl J HE The HE-The IE They're ro not tired I Im I'm rn not weary weary weary- t Id I'd perspire tears and blood drops Just to keep my mo mouse sc in cheese I In Jn a a town or in the thc field ft on the sea or in a balloon f. f J with a pickaxe or a fiddle b t- t with ith ones one's back a crooked wish bone i- i If cI occupation labor work work work- 1 works work's a mans man's best contribution j t SHE SHE Contribution Contribution r t 1 t HE Yes res Yes to Hymen SHE SHE SHE-Ah Ah yes yes yes- r. TIE But JIE-Dut But you haven't ha haven't- haven't SHE SHE SHE-I I h haven't t u A l. l r 1 J HE You HE-You You have ha not not not- I 7 1 SHE SHE SHE-Au Ah yes es es yes indeed I IThe I L I. 1 4 1 The wife toile embraces the tIle and kissel him daintily six times r t HE HE HE Stop queer little dear Why is 15 a kiss 4 f t r SHE SHE SHE-I I don dont don't t k know now i J HE HE I You ou dont don't t it j 1 SHE SHE So To I I I 4 J a t f r i i HE Then lIE Then why do you ou do doSHE J t JI i SHE L SHE Love Love ve I r tr P HE And I And why is love 10 11 is SHE SHE SHE-I I dont don't know t P if And HE HE TIC And And why hy don dont don't don't dont t you know J 4 3 f J.- J. SHE SHE Because Because it j c. 1 i HE lIE Come Come queer little dear f lV 1 I The husband embraces thc her i. i daintily six sir times i J j solemnly And now S I iJ L SHE nervously And nervously And no now J S 1 HE And TIE And now I am hungry S i SHE To SHE To bo be sure you are arc hungry but but- but but- Hc But He-But But 5 S Thc tries irks to between the husband wife wilc edge and theS the S table lIe He gently t. elbows her he asi aside c. c comes coms back he elbows lt her r less gently This pantomime e is repeated several everal times his cl elbowing is almos almost rough ough at thc the last fast S The husband reaches thc table and ogles tile thc bowl his J head twists twist from thc bowl bold to thc wife back an and forth fort An tn ominous si sL k- k i.- i. PJ J S S Ct String 1 be uc L 5 5 f L S- S beans S. string beans r S S o S HE String liE String beans heans J S SHE String SHE String beans S 1 A still more silence The Thc husbands husband's head begins fairly to bob only to stop abruptly as he ho breaks hI J l f f. f S l 1 v- v oct 1 v S I H I L SL S 11 11 S v k jj 5 S. S 1 i 7 S 'S 5 S I- I j 1 Good evening sweet wife S S t Then as eyes thc the 7 husbands husband's dinner plate nut but what shall give elve him to eat to-night to i It it mustn't t be limas S r e eve ye always ays had bad limas limas- l one more lima Uma would shatter his love lo 1 In In An answer conies comes trough through the open window from 1017 the theP r P Oh persuasive horn of tIC thc huckster r v v ab KV i aa S tt t E I I 4 mysteriously S. S got ot t tomatoes S 1 I tot got Potatoes pola V fr I got x iL t j. j new cabbages J. J J I 5 11 I got Rot cau 1111 cauliflower ower S S 7 k 1 I got sot red beets J S 'S t I Sot got S I t. t r onions 11 1 S 'S k I 1 tot got Zima beans beans- v L 1 4 WIPE WIFE who has stolen t to t thc fa Any 7 te S 9 r S II S If D. D kj I j got f oranges t A I J 5 1 tr- tr e got Pineapples 5 s S S 01 i A S I S ics S S CUrrants cm S S I g 0 t b I s A I 1 tot L H WIFE Ii ig E rae me some string beans main HI ir bobs j in at ic i window S orn The ilic wife takes hc the tie sideboard A paper bag bau is flung into lito roon Vile catches cs it and airily tosses the thc coins the J S 'S d fils f i site s takes 1 l bowl owl fr from rm ni thc thc'S a 4 it down into the thc bag bao dramatically t the open and relapses into a gentle ro rocking as size S to this invocation S j the crooked ed ones I the i. i e n Heeds ee d s ro change er e every ni m al S f W con COmo Jd kidney lidney beans I ncy S t- t come white 1 S. S or black black- I S E. E return not too I soon t e S. S ff string bean l' l rules In the r S Sta 7 s X S to tho f ta J loves ar more S t calories sooner digests digests- I St g with dinner is quicker t to play pIny ones It In b ones S S S an s are arc blessed t thc 17 j S lade c o In briskly in hi consternation the thc wife ilc u ut S C to o Me thc bowl boil but sets it it on 0 the thc end endS aJ d r greet him lum m his hands and bows S S S S 5 S. S S f 1 r i iI I 1 I HE I HE-I I perspire tears and andWood Wood blood drops in a town or in the fields on tho sea or in a a. balloon bat bal loon S with my pickaxe or my fiddle just to come home footsore B starved ta r e d double vUth ith appetite r to a meal of strIng ot-string string beans Where Thero are my limas Umas SHE SHE We We had had had- HE We lIE We had SHE Lima SHE Lima beans yesterday yester yester- day day we we had them them them- HE TIE We We had them SHE SHE Day Day before yesterday yester yester- 55 day day day- HE What HE-What What of or it SHE SHE Last Last Friday la last last t Thursday Thursday Thursday- S HE I HE-I I Iwo know it it- it SHE SHE Last Last Wednesday last Tuesday Tuesday Tuesday- S HE What TIE What then mam inam mam I SHE SHE We We hal had i. i i. i all the way a since we wel l were married married married- HE Two lIE Two weeks ago OJ this Is' Is Isery very ery day dayS day day- S SHE SHE SHE-I I thought you'd hareS have hare n S S v q J I HE A liD A change change change- S SHE SHE SHE-I I thought you you'd like to have e a chang change change- HE HE-A HE A change k You thought S i iId If ld Id III like J e S i S S f tT r-tT A change S I l What S 5 I From Orom tho the 1 godliest of or vegetables S SS S my kingly bean S S SS S that soft soothing S S succulent caressing S creamy persuasively serene S. S hU 1 i A- A i 1 SHE SHE HUSband SHE Husband Husband dear HE HE Silence e S oJ SHE SHE Husband Husband S HE HE Silence Silence The wife e collapses into her liar chair The s land banZ ant seizes the he bowl t to tp this malediction S w W Worms rm S snakes t S p reptiles 4 S S caterpillars ars S SS S S v. v V 0 i iI I do know from whence yo c t t C. C Y 4 but tint I know shall fc j v r go v r v vi t A A vaunt Avaunt aun v S S ir i 4 t Ira rt vanish i Vi rt V h i I. I I V J S i 5 S from this domicile Z j S 1 dedicated consecrated S 5 1 S I f I Immortalized 1 S I S In n fl the name of ot Hymen f The TUl husband an throws thc bowl and ani beans bean's out of 01 the thc window The Thc crash of broken glass IsS is S l heard card A it smothered sob escapes the wife u 55 TIre The l husband strides toward thc the door The wife toile raises ra es her lier head SHE SHE Husband HE HE SH SHE SHE Love Lo c Love sweet husband S HE HE S n r The husband glares at the wife wile and slams S the door behind T him im The wife wile collapses 0 Her body bodY rocks s to and fro Silence Then still stillmore more Lore mysteriously than the first time the thc horn and tT the e S voice of 01 the huckster The wife wile stops rocking ing raises her Tread head and mid gets up A A. woe Woebegone expression vanishes before be bC- bc- bc fore lore one of eagerness of 01 housewifely cly shrewdness of joy ST She e steals to the window S THE HUCKSTER I I got oranges I got bot pineapples T I got bot blackberries J. J S 5 I got bot currants f ii O t I I got bot blueberries V S 1 iS i- i S I got bananas S I IS S i 1 J got got got- t go S t l THE TIlE WIFE Any WIFE Any vegetables iV l t S TIlE THE I HUCKSTER I got tomatoes t. t T I got potatoes i i 5 new net cabbages S S i 4 j S cauliflower Ct 0 S red beets K KI S SI I got string siring beans S i. i t. t y I got got ot S 4 1 f l THE TIlE WIFE WIFE Bring Bring me some som Jima lima bc fk h- h THE HUCKSTER I I got onions Y t i got got- got THE TIlE WIFE WIFE Bring Bring me inc some lima beans bean's S THE HUCKSTER Yes HUCKSTER Yes mam maw S Ills His head ap an S pears again The performance r m. m ance of paper bag and coins is repeated Excitedly Ex the wife wile takes ta another bowl from Irom the thc sideboard She sits down dot tears fears S open the bag clicks cliel heels and hastily has has- lily tily recklessly begins begins be be- p gins splitting the limas One or two pop out and bound along the lhor flor The Tile stops Pensively Pen Pen- siLe I THE TIlE WIFE There WIFE There you go 0 hopping awa away just like the sparrows sparrows- She Size smiles a little Wile Hopping away no hes he's not a n. sparrow 5 he's hes more like a poor angry boy boy and and so sosoon sosoon sosoon soon She S lets the beans slip t through lr her cr fin fin- gers tiers Lima ima beans string beans kidney beans w white itc or black black black- youre you're all alike alike alike- though not all aU alike to him She perks her lL head a Its It's alike to me what's alike to him him him- S She looks out of 01 the window S though Im I'm sorry for you S S S S A crooked strings s straight t strings Jt S 5 I tor i and so glad lad for you Jou o 5 S S t creamy ones succulent succulent- S 5 lv f t i what did he of or T r t say you ou 1 r v She returns to splitting the s with crescendo crescendoS S animation t S i y I S S Heigho its it's all one to me so 80 he hc loves Joes what I do S SIll Ill I'll do what he lo es S hU 1 i A- A i 1 my iny buttery entity J. J You YOI would dethrone it l I i k V 4 You would play renegade S You'd raise an usurper z S i 3 In the person of or this s t f t S SS S elongated cadaverous erous tJ i e. 5 I throat scratching 1 greenish c Q caterpillar 5 you'd honor bonor a 3 parochial 5 menial an accursed legume sans even the petty grandeur x of or cauliflower radish pea S onion j i asparagus 5 5 potato tomato tomato- S'S r i. L S to the rank of or household god sod S U 4 B rIs r- r Is this marriage your J.- J. iii 5 i Is 15 this your creed of or love i Is tills this your our contribution S S Dear dear S S was there some witch at atthe S S UI the altar S r h who ho linked your hand S 5 with mine in troth S 55 anI only to have It broken in ina ina in ina a bowl A 5 Ah Ali dear dear dear dear- SHE Dear SUE Dear dear I I HE You HE-You You have havo listened lo to a temptress temptress temptress- 5 SHE I SITE I have o listened to my mylove 5 5 I love O a ye o of or t you you you- t HE You HI-You You tho the S angelic angelic angelic- pure Stop queer little dear I. I Why is a kiss 1 S C 1920 International Feature Service Ins Inc Great Dt Britain D. D Bights f Angry man miln Xo o a a. man quite young in iii the practice practice practice tice of wedlock wedlock antI and love Come lImas to work now now now- well we'll serve him heart appetite appetiteS te S whims crosspatches and andall andall all all- though wo we boil boll for Cor it later The dinner bell calls ud ding din dong clong ding dell deB The TIre husband d opens the thc door 1001 hid and pokes poles in his head The TIle 1 wife ilc tears hears him and is h silent lie edges into the room az an and then tile stops humble humble- contrite abject Almost Almost Al Al- most in a whisper HE Wife JIB Wife She Size does docs not heed him Mm lIe He louder Sweet wife wire Size She does docs not an an an- He still louder Beloved dear dearest wife wite Size docs not an an- sloe He lie approaches Idly carefully a almost I 1 za 0 8 5 t tU U tV with i t I hi h C reverence watches her takes thc other chair aniS and ani r j c. c 1 S S S 5 1041 S 1 S S rt i 1 1 f 4 I t f I I I t w W WS I Ii S I i 1 a 1 Bring me some string tring S 1 cautiously sets ets it ft down next to hers J Wife S S S S SHE Yes SHE Yes S I S 1 HE HE WIll Will you you you- S S. S t I want to to- to S i wont won't you youma you you- 1 ma may I sit next next to you Vs SHE SHE Yea es A 1 S HE I HE-I BE I want to to v 5 0 A J 5 5 will you rou you you- J f. S i wont won't S S you OU S forgive me Ill I'll Ill I'll S S 5 eat cat all tho beans In the tIle world I. I The TIre wilt wife looks loos up at the husband husband- roguishly H Ho Bs 5 5 5 drops down beside her with 1 tile the evident intention of 0 5 putting his arm ann about her only to jump up as M. M in 5 t I catty he lie has looked into the thc bowl He rubs hI his eyes I L sits down dow slowly looks again only to jump up tIp again S Tile Thc third time he lie sits down with extreme caution like a J S zoologist who h has s cone come upon a new specimen of insect Thc The wile wife seems oblivious of 0 his hb emotion lIe He rises looks look J- J from one side of her hel then the thc other oilier warily At last la S Lima beans looks s up tenderly and invitingly indicating hi hC S chair S S SHE SHE Lima b hang beans S S. S S S' S S S. S 5 S 'S 1 ts ii 4 tI Q S. 7 r. r iS h I IJ J t 7 I ii 1 r F PO Avaunt vanish from this domicile dedicated consecrated immortalized in the name of Hymen A A. moment of 01 f cl silence S HE Sweet HE-Sweet Sweet wife wire SHE Sweet SHE Sweet husband I. I c- c HE HE Wh Where whence whence- S S it it- it hoW did it happen 1 SHE SHE SHE-I I dont don't know kno HE You HE-You You do do- do you do know know know- J SHE SHE SHE-I I dont don't Tiny HE-Tiny HE HE Tiny miracle S you do do- do youre you're a woman I u youre you're a a. wife youre you're u an imp I you do know V SHE SHE Yell Well S T l HE Well HE-Well Well TJ j SHEI Somebody SHE Somebody V r HE Yes HE-Yes Yes yes SHE Somebody SHE Somebody sent them them them- HE Sent HE-Sent Sent them 5 v SHE SHE Drought Brought them themI 0 HE Brought HE-Brought Brought them 1 11 II SHE Yes SHE Yes r Who IE-Who S SHE Somebody ShE Somebody l S HE Somebody HE-Somebody Somebody who i SUE I SUE I cant can't tell |