OCR Text |
Show lie on nm iht, An Irishman was foreman of a Jury who had to try a man for murder. Word was sent to him that he would be paid 200 If he persuaded the Jury to return a verdict ot manslaughter. The verdict was returned and the friends of the prisoner came and read-lly read-lly paid the money. "Did you have much trouble in getting that verdict?" asked one. "Faith, an' I had an aw-ful aw-ful Btruggle," said the son of Erin. "The rest of the jury wanted to acquit him, hut, begorra, I wouldn't give way!" Answers. JDB BUDGET. OF FUN. BOMS GOOTJ ORIGINAL AND SELECTED. ,A Vrlr Jo Olb.i H Iro-I.l CKIul and Selt.d riots, in i,tmm from tae Tide of H ana or VTnen Phyllis 81os;s. nien Phyllis sings, her Joyous notes are heard for miles arouad. They shiver up the mountain solitude; soli-tude; The wild beasts stand and wonder at the Btrange, unearthly sound. And e'en the echoes seem In frightened fright-ened mood. When Phyllis sings the birdies fly away in sore affright. And even I am thrilled from head to toe; That voice would put a German band to wild, Impetuous flight. For Phyllis is a burro, don't you know! Denver Post. The Ae of Win "Mars I watch affairs on earth, very cloeelv." began the exalted Pluto, as he fanned himself with a section of halo in the midst of the great hereafter, here-after, "and I have become of the opinion opin-ion that you are losing vigor. Everything Every-thing warlike, from pugilism and the Spanish wrs up to the general war cloud that you have had hanging over Europe for the last forty years, ends about the same way." "That is true," replied the illustrious god of wax, "but the fact is I have sold out my whole business to Aeolu3." Puck. Her Brln. "How's your wife this morning?" "She's very happy, indeed." "I understood she was suffering from the grip." "She has it, but she isn't suffering. You see she bought a 60-cent bottle of medicine for 48 cents some time ago and she was beginning to deapair of ever having a chance to use it."- Buffalo Times. ' The Stee Secret. Honest Advice. The Rev. Mr. Perkins being called upon suddenly to address a Sunday school, thought he would get a few original ideas from his young hearers. j"Children," said he, "I want some of jyou to tell me what I shall talk to you about tonight. What shall I Bay?" At first there was go response. "That ibrlght little fellow over there," said Ihe, pointing to a youngster on a back seat "What shall I say to you to-Inight?" to-Inight?" In a little, piping voice came :the answer: "Say amen and sit down." Philadelphia Saturday Evening Even-ing Post. Morraonlsm. The good wife looked at her mending basket and sighed. If she hadn't seen them there she wouldn't have believed 'her husband could have worn holes in iso many pairs of socks in so short a time. "There are occasions," she said at last, "when I am almost ready to believe be-lieve that it would be a good thing for a man to be a Mormon." Then she went at the job she would willingly have shared with a few other wives. Chicago Post. A Change of Opinion. She "Then I got right mad and told him what I thought of him." He "What did you say?" She "I don't remember." "That's queer; you ought to know what you think of him." "Oh, I know what I think of him now, but I do not remember what I thought of him just then." Indianapolis Indian-apolis Journal. "That bouquet thrown from the seo-ond seo-ond row of the stalls was for me, not for you." "Oh! no. It wasn't you want the earth." "I want what I paid for, anyhow-f so there." Pick-Me-Up. Lateness. "Too late!" she cried, and pressed the fatal potion to her lips. It was in this hour that woman's lofty spirit revealed itself. "I'd rather be too late than not "late enough, I tell you those!" she remarked, remark-ed, for in her happier days she had known what it was to wear the swell-est swell-est hat in the congregation. Detroit Journal. Suspected. "What a flatterer your wife is." "Flatterer? Oh, no, you wrong her. What has she said that makes you think she flattered you?" "It wasn't me she flattered; but don't you remember what she said about hoping that your boy would grow up to be just like his papa?" "THE REMARKABLE RESCUE OF TITO i c V- v "AS ' t. KmM As She Expressed It. "Yes," said the lady from Boston, speaking of her favorite lecturer, "he is one whom the lady would designate as a biscuitjohn." "Beg pardon?" said the member of the laity. "Oh, to be explicit, a crackerjack." Indianapolis Journal. No Getting: Around It. "Yes, he made his first lucky strike in eggs. He bought 10,000 dozen at a low figure, put them in cold storage and sold them at a profit of more than 200 per cent. That was the cornerstone corner-stone of his enormous fortune." "And the hens laid it. How strange!" Chicago Tribune. Lack. "That man I introduced you to a little while ago is a lucky fellow." "That so? What's he been doing-opening doing-opening up a copper mine or betting on the right horse, or what?" "None of those things, but both of his daughters are married to men who are self-sUportlng." Unnecessary Dread, "Spain dreads the day of settlement," settle-ment," remarked Mr. Hiland. "I don't see why she should dread what never comes," added Mr. Halket, "What do you mean?" "Well, the Spanish army does not know what a pay day is like." Pitta-burg Pitta-burg Chronicle. Miles Awayfrom It. "As regards this matter of army beef," remarked the man with the shoulder straps, "I consider that a dead issue." . - "But it isn't embalmed!" fiercely interrupted in-terrupted the man from the stockyards. stock-yards. Chicago Tribune, Something? Wronff. "This orchard picture is a peach."' exclaimed the enthusiastic studio vis-itor. vis-itor. "But I intended it for an apple orchard," or-chard," said the artist, plaintively Detroit Free Press. Ignorance Bliss; Knowledge Blister. Mr. Addlepate "Where Ignorance' la bliss, you know, 'tis folly to be wise " Miss Willikins "Yes, I know. Still it may interest you to know that your hat is all Jammed in at the top," Chicago News. His View. "And now " said Ms frIen(I .. have the Philippic, tne que8tloa what will we do with them'" ''Nonsense!" said the expansionist. n-Ipuck" 13 What W1U We " Audabon-Bon. Ethel Yes, I've taken those pretty bird wings off my hat It's horrible, when you come to think of it, to wear the plumage of a song bird as an ornament. or-nament. Mabel I believe you're right. I always al-ways wear the whole bird. Chicago Tribune. On the Verge. "I told her my soul was wrapped up in her." ' "What did she 'iy?" "She warned m.. to be more careful or I'd be making love to her before long." Philade.ohia North American. |