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Show MOUNTAIN TIMES 1904 What’s In Your Future? Dial Up Psychic Buddy Hotline By Rick Brough Wien: to a new feature in The Mountain Times. We like to call it, “New Discoveries Hot Damn!” My guest this week — and for the foreseeable future — is Mr. Telly Kinesis. He’s the founder and director of the Psychic Buddy Hotline. Rick: Telly, welcome to the show. Telly: Thank you, Rick. I'm very excited to be here in the first installment of “New Discoveries — Hot Damn!” Thank you very much for having me. Rick: To begin with, Telly, how did you start up your Psychic Buddy Hotline? Telly: Government auctions, that’s how. Every month in this country, psychic phone-line services are going out of business, and they’re being sold off by the government — at pennies on the dollar! Rick: But where the actual psychics? do you pick up Telly: Same place. You’d be amazed how many itinerant clairvoyants are being stored in government warehouses across the country. Rick: Golly, that’s exciting. Let's hear some taped testimonials from people who have used the Psychic Buddy Hotline. Jeffrey R: For the past 25 years, my life has been as exciting as a pre-moistened towelette. But my Psychic Buddy told me that I'll come into a lot of money. I'll get the chance to travel, and I'm going to meet Princess Di, who will fall in love with me. All that stuff hasn’t happened yet, but when it does, I'll be prepared, Demi M: In my reading, I was told that if I took off my clothes for my next five movies, I would make millions of dollars. I owe it all to you, Psychic Buddy! Rick: Well, golly wonkers, I am impressed. Now let’s present our special guest. You first noticed him in The Man With the Golden Gun. He delighted you for years on Fantasy Island. Here he is — Herve Villechaize! (applause) Herve, are you ready for a reading from our on-line psychic? Herve: phone! Sure. Rick: Psychic you see for Herve? Da phone, boss, da Berniece, what do Berniece: Herve, I sense you've had a lot of worries. About your career — Yes! A lot of worries about your career since the early ‘80s. But there is good news. Your career opportunities are going to pick up. You're going to have a come-back as a regular on Murder, She Wrote. Rick: Uh, Murder, She been canceled, Berniece. Wrote Berniece: Did I say, Murder, Wrote?X Files, 1 meant X Files/ has Rick: Whoa, Nelly! That’s unbelievable. Let’s take some more phone calls. Here’s Lois calling from Midvale. Lois: Hey, how come all these phone-line psychics only predict good news? Don't all these psychic-line scams imply that if your life’s a drag, Enjoy the morning sun while your breakfast is served on the porch overlooking Park City’s Historic Main St. . Summer ey “Sasa 3 Escape to the cool mountains ae from of Park City and spend a weekend relaxing in the charm you of a turn of the century bed and breakfast. should call this 1-900 line and somehow that’ll make great things happen for you? I’m asking because my Psychic Buddy predicted I'd win some money on a scratch-and-match game. I did, but on my way home from the supermarket, I was hit by a bus. How come your damned psychic didn’t sense that one coming, Telly? Telly: What are you dragging my chain for, lady? Didn’t you see the fine print that says it’s for “Entertainment Purposes only?” Hell with you, let’s take our next call from Chris in Park City. Summer lodging specials from $55 800 648-8068 Chris: Look, this whole thing sounds like an unbelievable scam. Rick: Well, Chris, we respect the fact that some people don’t believe in psychic phenomena. Chris: No, Rick. I mean this whole column. For one thing, isn’t Herve Villechaize dead? Rick: Uh — That's a very good question and we'd love to ask Herve, but unfortunately, he’s left the studio. Now let’s get to our extra special guest: ladies and gentlemen, the Republican candidate for president of these United States — Bob Dole! Dole: Let me tell you right off the bat, Bob Dole doesn’t go in for this psychic stuff. Bob Dole’s too busy running for president. You won’t find Bob Dole carrying on conversations with Eleanor Roosevelt or Henry Ford. Bob Dole knew Henry Ford, when he was alive told him to call it the Model T. Rick: Let’s put you on the line with our psychic, Bill. Bill: Hello, Bob. I sense you’re centered right now on one particular objective — an objective until about November 5, and then, you'll lose interest. It's something about running, and you need someone to run with you. Dole: That’s right, that’s right! Bob Dole thinks that’s amazing! Bill: I sense that you're thinking of asking a woman or a black man to run with you. That’s the wrong thing to do, Bob. Don’t choose someone who will distract attention from yourself. Run with an average white guy, just like BRANCH * Bike the San Juan Islands, Summer 1997 * Canoe and Write on the Green River, Sept. 1996 ¢ Trek and Fish Boulder Mountain, Utah b Horseback, Summer |997 * Explore Southeastern Utah Cultural and Natural History, Winter 1997 Dole: Hey, wait a minute. Bob Dole thinks that voice sounds familiar. Bob Dole smells a rat — Clinton??? Damnit, Clinton, is that you? What're you doing on the Psychic Buddy Hotline? Rick: Well, that’s all for this installment. And remember, if you want to ¢ Yellowstone Park Winter Ecology, Winter 1997 5 ¢ Hike the |Oth Mountain Division Trail in Colorado, Summer |997 The Learning Adventure Series are Lifelong Learning not-for credit classes. ¢ Bike/Tour Southwestern Utah For more information, call 645-8638 in the Park City area; 585-7313 from Salt Lake. * Study the Art and Culture of Taos, New Mexico, Spring 1997 CONTINUING EDUCATION UNIVERSITY OF UTAH National Parks, Spring 1997 on PAGE * Napa Valley Wine Making, Sept. 1996 ¢ La Sal Mountain Arts and Crafts Workshops, Aug.& Sept. 1996 you. your Psychic Buddy is standing by our phone line, 24 hours a day. @ OUT with the Park City / University of Utah's Learning Adventure Series know what direction your life is taking, She 1a Miner, IMPERIAL HOTEL |