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Show Z l _^ SpecialTeaiures The Utah Statesman 6 Monday, Jan. 8,2006 > BARRY'S 2006 From page 5 sile, but the Times, using leaked launch codes, redirects it to the Washington Post. As the debate over Iraq heats up. President Bush pledges to 'keep on continuing to stay the present course while at the same time not doing anything different.* Democratic leaders declare that they have a "bold new plan' for Iraq, which they will reveal Just as soon as the New York Times leaks It to them. Abroad, Pope Benedict XVI gets in big trouble when he gives a speech suggesting that the Muslim religion has historically been linked to violence. Ha ha! What a crazy ideal The pope soon sees that he has made a big mistake and apologizes several times. Rumors about Fidel Castro's health continue to swirl following publication of a photograph showing Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez shaking Castro's hand. The rest of Castro's body is nowhere to be seen. Speaking of the Communist Menace, in ... WANTED NUMBER WPPPER" Meanwhile, Americans - already on edge because of concern over terrorism, avian flu, AIDS, nuclear escalation and global warming - find themselves facing a deadly new menace: killer spinach. The lethal vegetable is removed from supermarket shelves by police SWAT teams; many units of innocent produce are harmed. Paris shuts down completely. Speaking of vegetables, the United States Congress is rocked by yet another scandal with the publication of emails and instant messages sent to male pages by Congressman Mark Foley of Florida, in which he explicitly discusses acts of a sheepherding nature. As the scandal expands, House Republican leaders issue a statement claiming that they 'are not aware of any socalled Congressman Mark Foley of Florida.' Democrats cite Foley as another example of Republican corruption, declaring that they would never, ever, under any circumstances tolerate such behavior, unless it involved a consenting page. In other political developments, The New York Times prints a leaked top-secret government report expressIng doubts about the war in Iraq. The Bush administration holds a secret meeting to prepare a response, but within hours, the Times prints leaked details of the meeting, including who went to the bathroom, and why. The administration then attempts to take out the Times building with a mis- OCTOBER ... North Korea conducts an underground nuclear test, which is especially troubling because the ground in question is located in Wyoming. This goes virtually unnoticed in Washington, where everybody continues to be obsessed with the growing body of instant messages generated by Mark Foley, who, despite his busy schedule as a lawmaker, apparently found time to attempt to become sheepherding buddies with pretty much every young male in North America. In other political developments. Sen. Barack Obama, looking back on a career in the U.S. Senate that spans nearly 20 months, allows as how he might be ready to move on to the presidency. Obamamanla sweeps the nation as millions of voters find themselves deeply Impressed by Obama's views, and the fact that he was on 'Oprah.' In a gracious gesture from a potential 2008 rival Sen. Hillary Clinton sends Obama a good-luck card, which Is stapled to the head of a horse. Opponents of Illegal Mexican Immigration cheer when Congress authorizes the construction of a 700mile fence. Their cheers quickly fade when they , learn that, because of wordIng inserted at the last minute by senators Robert Byrd and Ted Stevens, 650 miles of the fence will be constructed In West Virginia and Alaska. Vice President Dick Cheney again becomes the center of controversy when, appearing on a radio show, he defends the interrogation technique known as 'water-boarding* as a legitimate anti-terrorism tool, not torture. At first the host disagrees, but after several 'commercial breaks," Dick brings him around. A strong earthquake shocks Hawaii, causing Paris to shut down completely. In sports, a football game between the University of Miami and Florida International University Is marred by violence, prompting both schools to seriously consider banning players from carrying handguns onto the field. In baseball, the New York Yankees, despite being clearly the best and most expensive team the world has ever seen, fall to even get into the World Series, leaving Yankee fans to spend yet another bitter off-season wondering why their team can't simply be awarded the championship, and not have to play these stupid games against clearly Inferior teams from dlrtball cities that don't even have subways. But October ends on a happy note with the celebration of Halloween, a night of magical fun when mil- lions of youngsters, all over America, are kept Indoors. The most popular costumes this year, according to retailers, are Power Ranger and Nancy Pelosl. As the election approaches, polls show that the Democrats have a good chance to regain control of Congress. But then disaster strikes In the form of John 'Mister Laffs' Kerry, who, addressing a college audience, attempts to tell a joke, which Is like a fish attempting to play the piano. This has major repercussions in ... NOVEMBER ... when Kerry's 'joke' causes widespread outrage, prompting Kerry, with typical humility, to insist that It was obviously humorous, and anybody who disagrees Is an Idiot. Kerry Is finally * subdued by Democratic strategists armed with duct tape, but not before many political analysts see a tightening of the race to control Congress. As the campaign lumbers to the finish line, the Republicans desperately hope that the voters will not notice that they - once the party of small government - have turned Into the party of war-bungling, corruptiontolerating, pork-spewing poweMustlng toads, while the Democrats desperately hope that the voters will not notice that they are still, basically, the Democrats. The actual voters, of course, are paying no attention, having given up on politics months ago because every time they turn on the TV all they see are political ads accusing pretty much every candidate on either side of being, at minimum, a child molester. Thus nobody really knows what will happen as the voters go to the polls. In Florida, nobody knows anything even after the voting is over, because - prepare to be shocked - many electronic ballotIng machines malfunction. Voters in one district report that their machines, instead of displaying the candidates for Congress, showed "Star Wars Episode IV.' {By an overwhelming margin, this district elects Jabba the Hutt.) Nationwide, however, It eventually becomes clear that the Democrats have gained control of both houses of Congress. President Bush handles the defeat with surprisingly good humor, possibly because his staff has not told him about It. For their part, future House Speaker Nancy Pelost and future Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid Issue a joint statement promising to 'make every effort to find common ground with the president,* adding, 'we are clearly lying." Pelost sets about the difficult task of trying to fill leadership posts with Democrats who have not been videotaped discussing bribes with federal undercover agents. The first major casualty of the COP defeat is Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, who, the day after the election, is Invited to go quailhunting with the vice president. He Is never seen again. As Rumsfeld's replacement, the president nominates - In what Is widely seen as a change in direction on Iraq - Barbra Streisand. In other celebrity news, Michael Richards, a graduate of the Mel Gibson School of Standup, responds to a comedy-club heckler by unleashing a racist tirade so vile that even John Kerry realizes it is not funny. A chastened Richards apologizes for his behavior, citing, by way of explanation, the fact that he Is a moron. Speaking of which, OJ. Simpson Is once again in the headlines when Fox TV announces that Simpson will be interviewed on a twonight special show In conjunction with his new book, 'If I Did It; in which he will explain how, "hypothetically,' he would have murdered Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman. This idea Is so sick, so disgusting, so utterly depraved, that it BARRY see page 7 "Cache acquet 1655 N 200 E. 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