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Show U&pk IZZZZ Why, I Otta. . . ---- - ----- - ----- - - - .. lit.' 4 Zj Davidson Cheney I was beaned by a rubber bouncy ball at my church today. Some cad, some ne'er-do-well, made me the target and hurled a projectile at me with the precision preci-sion of someone who sits around getting bad grades and hurling things at people. I am now sitting sit-ting here waiting for an officer of the law to show up to give me the justice that I deserve. - No, I don't remember what he looked like, but he smelled like feet, had braces on his teeth, and was probably wearing the same shorts that he was wearing yesterday and the day before. He nailed me as I innocently ambled into the gym to grab tables or had I mentioned that? Yes, there were several of them, and the room went quiet just after the unidentified object made contact with my skull, which gave me ample time to confirm that, yes, they all smelled like feet and Cheetos. Also, if this helps, as they slowly slow-ly turned to stare at me I noticed that they all had Justin Beaver hair which would normally hinder hin-der identification, but as I mentioned, men-tioned, they all smelled like feet and Cheetos so you should be able to track them down with only minor damage to the sniffing sniff-ing dogs. I, of course, politely and appropriately ap-propriately requested that they gather up their Hannah Montana notebooks and their Jimmer jerseys and vacate the premises because, frankly, I didn't want to have a bunch of unsupervised kids I didn't know throwing stuff at me and seeing me cry. Actually I am used to lumps on the back of my head being be-ing that I teach Primary in my church group. Most of my head injuries I acquired during my brief stint as a ballroom dancer instructor. But a lump is a lump, left either by a Bible in the Lord's house or from an elbow from Vanessa, the tallest girl in the world assigned to be my dancing partner, who I was supposed sup-posed to lift over my head and twirl like a lighter than air tree trunk (plus fourteen pounds of rhinestones and a sharp, pointy thing in her hair). But back to the beaning, the pointing and laughing and, of course, the crying. cry-ing. Truth be told, I may have freaked out just a teeny. Of course the kids laughed at the old guy with the lump, and tripped over their size 14 honkers when I asked them to leave. To make matters worse, as I loaded tables into my mini-van, not one of the church dudes standing around not supervising asked if they could help me. I believe this is in direct violation of the church dude code, that, quote, "When an old man with a lump on the back of his head whose eyes are watering from the smell of feet is alone loading tables, he should be helped." Close quote. And I think, through my perfect "Cheney" continued on Page 6 "Cheney" continued from Page 3 peripheral vision I saw one of the men roll his eyes at me. There is no doubt in my feeble fee-ble little mind that this guy was the parent of big Cheetos foot, who was not being supervised in the gytn when some poor, lumpy, strangely articulate and bitter man was attacked! Assailed! As-sailed! Probably by the Prince of Headgear and his friend, D J Orthodontia Boy as they deliberately de-liberately hurled a... a seventy three pound medicine ball at me to get me to leave them alone. Or maybe it was to enforce some gang territory of which I was unaware un-aware (not having received my copy of the Big-Footed-Teen-With-Braces-Weekly in the mail). Maybe if the eye-rolling man had been attending to his son's completely antisocial behavior, be-havior, his senses as a parent sentinelwarden would have been properly engaged and there would have been no time or opportunity op-portunity for Big Foot to harass the old, lumpy man with watering water-ing eyes transporting tables. In fact, rather than bullying poor almost-senior citizens, perhaps one of the throbbing, pulsating, gathering mob could have seen fit to extend a hand of Christian like help-y-ness to the meek and gentle VICTIM with a goiter goi-ter and a hunch on his back, so that the sweet old man that I am wouldn't have to mutter to himself him-self and make a mountain out of a rubber bouncy ball. Someone needs to teach these kids a lesson, and I am just the man to... Excuse me? ...Well, I'm sure it was an accident... Oh, no thank you young fellow, this is the last table I need moved. But aren't you sweet for asking ? |