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Show geographers Bay about the earth, flattened a little at both ends, and 4.5 minutes presidency in the sanctum sanc-tum or in the editorial chair would produce chronic crankiness or incurable in-curable insanity. We uever knew of but one who did it and came out all right. She married the editor and now amuses heiiself by darning darn-ing his pauts and cutting off sections sec-tions of his shirt tail to mend his dickey with. I thought of this the other day when reading the nom do plume to au article written for the . Roman's Champion signed "Lilly All very fine I thought Miss Lilly, it pats me in mind of what the Scri ptures say about the lillies, "they toil not, neither do they spin' only yarns that are not of unscrupulous veracity. Not much troublo to run a newspaper is it? I should like to see you sit down and try to write an editorial on the Rail Bond Boom, or the decline de-cline of Popery in tho Piede N. I take Dr. Ponton's bald head cure give him a box with my fist as an impostor and purge him from my sanctum, then turning to the wet nurse I dryly inform her, she is just the one I want as my wife has had twins lately. I cram a sheet of foolscap into my Dolly Varden hat compress it on my throbbing temples, and with coat tails in a straight line take a two forty gait forthe inquest. Edit a paper? madam, you couldn't have arranged arran-ged your bangs in half that time. We sat on the poor Irishman, then evicted him. I rush to the sai.c-tum sai.c-tum determined to write an article setting forth that a preponderance of iiver in the stomach is hurtful to the living, thnt Tutt's liver pills wont phnse it no more thnn as much basswood. Once more in the editorial edi-torial chair trying to finish my article ar-ticle on Piede Popery, when in comes Mr. Antiquarian and informs in-forms me that the prehistoric .society .so-ciety have me engaged to give a lecture to-night at 8 p. m. on the, excavation and probable depth of the hole in which the North Pole, was set. Again I settle down to write, when in comes my wife saying say-ing Simpkins, honey, I want anew bonnet, and the dear twins want a new pair of shoes, the flour bin is empty, there is no coal worth mentioning, men-tioning, the butcher has sent in his then seek to rest a few short hours to meet the toils of another an-other day. I sleep, "sweet sleep, tired nature's great restorer." I dream that my wife has got the bonnet and the baby carriage, the old subscriptions are all paid, no mora butchers bills came and that I see a lovely bright form bec-I bec-I koning me to regions of supreme ' bliss speaking in tones of silvery sweetness: "Oh, Simpkins, quick, hurry, get up, oh, do be quick, the bed cord has broken and the wet nurse has flopped right on top of one of. the dear twins! Oh, dear! where's the matches and there's no oil in the lamp!" . I take the dear struggler from the upward pressure pres-sure and pjace it beside of its dear ma and pace the room round and round for two mortal hours singing sing-ing "Oh, it nice to be a father," the cock crows and warns me that daylight day-light is coming and I must hurry t. the sanctum and write, and write and write. Oh, what a weary life and yet madam you assert that it is nothing to edit a paper. 'Just try it for one week only and Til venture at the expiration of that time there won't be enough hair on your head to hold a second hand hair pin, and more lines in your face than in the map of Messipo-' toniia. ,, tump. tion, as I attempted to do la3t week when in comes Loaferson and bothers me two blessed hours on his able pitching at the last match of the Roughs and Reds. I 'hear the dying echos of his foot step on the stairs when up comes a red hot polititian and swears that if I don't take back my entire article on the last county election and make an apology ha will sue me for libel to the tune of ninety-seven million dollars. While he is fuineinin -rt-plper-uiliuueauiutei With" a bill for seventy-five dollar which must be paid. . Like a machine I write, when in pops the sweet scented Dr. Ponton who has discovered dis-covered a wonderful remedy for baldness and assures me that if I will take a box it will increase the circulation of my paper at least one hundred subscribers and deposits de-posits a box of the stinking compound com-pound right under my editorial nose. Yet still I write on, when a timid and unfortunate young lady hesitatingly asks if I want to hire a wet nurse, or will I pleas 3 advertise adver-tise her to fill such a liquid position. posi-tion. The plot thickens, so does my head, . but the end is not yet. I am now summoned instanter to sit on a coroner's jury at the inquest in-quest of a poor Irishman who has eaten too much fried liver on a Friday. The time has come for me to act decisive on the premises so I lay down the potent pen, turn round and face my formidable array ar-ray of tormentors, spit on my h mds ! and pitch the famous pitcher Loaf, erson down stairs, and he ; looks rough and red by the time li finds ! himself foul and out. I next cool off the red hot politition with a bucket of type wash which gives him a blackmail appearance and his washwoman a job. I smile upon up-on the paper man, give him five dollars and ask him to call again. ! v 7 he Trials and Troubles of The Male Editor. No trouble to edit a paper, eh? No trouble to get it Up and out oa time, did you say? Mis Nobody's friend of tti. woman's suffrage society so-ciety aham; no doubt you consider consid-er yourself a judge with a gigantic gigan-tic intellect, and ten horse brain power, I mean brain power to wear and carry a waterfall, chinon, . - - i A4.-i. a a j competent judge, no doubt of all" . of the ins and outs, trials and perplexities per-plexities of a poor, weary, worn out, jaded, and almost broken hearted editor of a country triweekly tri-weekly sheet. l)on't presume, madam, "that your proclivities for quill driving." and scribbling essays es-says on poor, down-trodden woman entitle you to the position of either judge or juror in the masculine editorial sanctum. Don't flatter yourself that your single state of blessedness enlarges . your- microscopic micro-scopic views of the matrimonial difficulties arising from the continued con-tinued increase of the almost never endiug little connubial liberties. No, madam, I should consider myself my-self highly censurable to admit anything so thin and transparent especially coming from one who never entered in, nor merged from the meshes of matrimony. I would rathor take tha verdict of a bouncing bounc-ing matron, tit mil forty, who knows how to command a laundry, kitchen, cook stove and a regiment oE pots ami kettles, than the antiquated anti-quated opinion of all oE the snuff taking heroines 'twist here and the lonesome island of twilight. No trouble to edit a papsr, eh? Should like to sho you try it. No I wouldn't come to think of it, you would commit suicida. Yes, madam, ma-dam, one day in a printing office done, would mike you feel like the ' bill and I want a baby carriage so that me and the wftfnursn tnfcw out the dear little twins to see their aunt Jeriisha. I scratch my head for there is no hair on it now, and try to smile sweetly, telling her to go to Mi-. Sneedleton and ask for a trifle or so on his last 10 years delinquent subscription. Now comes the press man and wants cyy Popery editorial I tell him at half past twelve midnight it will be ready for him. Aglin I breath and write once more when j the devil makjs his appearance and says that unless he can have a new brush, basket and some soap I can clean my own dirty type nd rollers. I look at him and say, get the behiud me for it is written that thou shall not tease or disturb dis-turb the editor while writing. I attend the lecture at the prehistoric prehis-toric and tell them it would be much better for them to see that the poor widows had a little coal to burn, and some meal in the barrel, bar-rel, and that the young hoodlums were sent to school instead of learning to smoke and swear on the street corners, I left them to fathom the excavation of the Nrth Pole hole, hurried to my sanctum and again set down to finish my Piede Popery by half past twelve and I take my article to the press room, weary and care worn I set down by the dying ember, indulge in-dulge in a little old bread, strong butter and weak tea |