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Show -.if--' ., Vj Tl Tin 11 aum l All the News That's Fit to Fabricate April 1, 1986 TfiaBnwi S"- SZ. ! Fit 1 Mu torn escape take ho a 9 to men, stage -A r t byJPKEAHEY Ragged-out editor A new hazard has emerged from the lead-laced mine tailings tail-ings in Prospector Square a mutant tomato that oozed across town and took a doctor captive at the Holy Cross Family Health 4 Emergency Center. A special state-local SWAT team used only once before in nearby Marion was called out to deal with the rampaging menace, which emerged from a Prospector Park backyard garden, devoured a hot tub, a Jeep Cherokee and 15 cubic yards of tailings cap to gain strength and size. It also smothered a man reportedly impersonating a theater critic and stole his tren-chcoat tren-chcoat and fake fur hat. The 8-foot-tall tomato, thus disguised, went to Alpha Beta and called Holy Cross and made an appointment with Dr. Roberto Rober-to Winnebago. Then it went in, complaining of excessive sunburn. sun-burn. When the tomato got Dr. Winnebago Win-nebago alone in the examining room, it threw off the hat and coat, revealing its true identity. After the health center was surrounded by the crack team of law enforcement agents, the tomato demanded to speak to a reporter. However, the reporter was unable to speak tomato, so the receptionist who originally spoke to the tomato agreed to go in as a translator. The relieved receptionist emerged a few minutes later and told the SWAT team members that the tomato wished wish-ed the doctor no harm and wanted only to thank him for his work on behalf of the tailings. "All he wants is some fertilizer fer-tilizer and free passage on a fruit truck to San Francisco," she said. But the SWAT team, trigger fingers itching, refused to allow the mutant fruit to pass. The tomato reportedly wept juice all over the floor and Stark Memler from Snickers private club offered of-fered to employ the tomato as a bartender making bloody marys. But SWATters wouldn't relent and finally the tomato surrendered. sur-rendered. It was taken into custody and charged with kid-napping, kid-napping, involuntary manslaughter and impersonating imper-sonating a critic. Councilwoman Kristen Rogers, shown here while still in Possession of her tresses, has joined the Hare Krishna faith. Rogers' religion riles reactionary council J HICK GRUFF RaSged staff religion writer Park City Council members week criticized a woman lumber of their group for the religious overtones" they say "?ls bringing to the meetings. jAuncihvoman Kristen Wrs showed up for a Park Ci- council meeting last week iner head shaved bald-and jounced tnat she has joined a n e Krishna faith. She also Tam ,Ced she is changing her efo Krishna Rogers i know this won't matter to V JZJns of Park City because ! didn't hold mv earlier faith me'" RSe'rs said as sne irK out carnations to other "fffs of the citv council. '-W lnitial s"tir had ended-fowS"? ended-fowS"? beg and Rogers ?vrt in .u he creat-ion of an air-R;ch!" air-R;ch!" the Snyderville Basin at "hfardson Flat. il(.?(ally have no idea if we c I ? great deal of air traf-ul traf-ul the airport will provide an invaluable opportunity for the laitniui io wutii suuio win. visitors to our town." The meeting later turned to a tense discussion about the hotel proposed for the corner of Empire Em-pire and Park. A nearby resident resi-dent said, "Surely you can t override the wishes of dO residents for one developer. Rogers said, "Can it not be said that the one is as powerful as the many? Or the many can be as feeble as the one. All u one. One is all. Hare rama.Hare kMawr Hal Tailormade said Rogers may provide the crucia vote on the hotel icsue. "It isn.t over till the bald lady chant. he said. Rogers hnhand. Randy Jit, o.i.-i his wife's religious has changed his family forever. " It s ; really had dramatic ewe" ,u on. Koy novels, .-i.. it's also rjeen a ici ...... - Prience for our older son Kenny and our dog. Buck. a vounger J " " ' Jubilant Park Record staffers are anxious to set out for Hawaii to publish the Oahu Record. In the meantime, publisher Yawn Wasking is looking for reporters, editors, typesetters, front desk workers, ad salespeople ... backshop crew ... A olha Hawaiian buys Record staff By KURT ONLYKIDMAN Oahu Record writer In a move unprecedented in the annals of journalism history, Lirpa Loof, a Hawaiian multimillionaire multi-millionaire real estate investor, has bought out the contracts of the entire staff of the Park Record and is planning to move the staff to Hawaii, where it will begin the Oahu Record. "I started reading the Park Record when I was here last winter and I started thinking that my island could use a decent de-cent newspaper," Loof said. "Last summer I started the wheels in motion, but had a tough time finding a decent staff. In the long run I figured it would be more beneficial to just move the Record staff to Oahu." In a secret meeting Monday publisher Yawn Wasking and to learn how to surfboard. "This will be a unique opportunity oppor-tunity for us to sharpen our tann-ing tann-ing skills," said staff photographer Kneel Ferigno. "It sure beats the heck out of Wyoming." "The Park Record will be published if I have to do it myself," an ashen-faced Wasking Wask-ing said. "I can't write, but then a lot of my editorial staff couldn't write either. I am now taking applications for all the positions on the staff. Geez, I thought these guys were my friends. I guess it shows you what people will do to get a lei. " There seemed to be universal joy in the Record newsroom. Education writer Jimmy The Greek Smelley said, "Good, I hated sKiing anyway, l n pro guess, but it's the skiing I hate." "I think that my staff will be able to handle the move without any problem," editor JP "Not The Refrigerator" Keahey said. "Of course it doesn't mean that we'll slack off during the next couple of weeks. In fact it's just the opposite, I plan on working everybody like dogs, and if they think that Hawaii is going to be fun in the sun they've got another think coming, i'm going to make it a living hell for each and every one of them. " The Record's advertising consortium con-sortium of Dix, Pix, Six, Lix and Stix were sent ahead to Hawaii to start selling ads. They, however, never made it past the airport bar. "I'm very excited about the newspaper and I'm sure the people peo-ple of Oahu will open their hearts, minds and pocketbooks In a secret meeting Monaay naieu sK.uug anyway, i u pro- nearis, mmus aim pocKeioooKs i" night, the staff at the Record bably hate surfboarding, but not to the staff of the Record," Loof was reslinj voted unanimously to give two as much as I hated skiing, said. "They will all be living on Record stal weeks notice of leaving to Volcanoes and beaches are OK I my estate until adequate hous- too. Fat lady can't sing, council stymied Park City's government may Without her, we don't know what development-rights ordinance, waythehali face imminent collapse, with to do about the hotel, or about when she was struck down." "How do council members saying they anything else!" The Fat Lady was apparently "Look at tt have lost their most important r, , j .,, m :.,.. too slow in crossing Hcber city ball, a ing can be found. I hope to have the Oahu Record on the newsstands by the middle of June." "I hope to have a good tan by the middle of June," Ferigno interjected. in-terjected. In the past, writers and editors have been bought by a newspaper from another newspaper, but never before has an entire staff been pirated. "I know it is a tough break for poor Yawn, but it's a career move for all of us," JP said. "Why did it have to happen to me?" screamed Wasking. "I'm a nice guy, so my desk is a bit messy does that mean everybody should leave me? I don't think it's fair..." Wasking was last seen huddl ing in his office, clutching Ricky Rough's pillow and reportedly was resting comfortably. The Record staff will soon will be, have lost their most important adviser. Council member Real Mac-Quoid Mac-Quoid explained, "Remember when we were considering the hotel at the corner of Empire and Park? And our mayor, Hal Tailormade, said 'It isn't over till the fat lady sings'? "We just received horrible news. The Fat Lady was run over by a Park City Transit bus. The Fat Lady was the city's best-kept secret, until Tailor-made Tailor-made forgot himself and inadvertently in-advertently revealed her presence. She worked for a firm out of San Francisco. "Some places give you singing telegrams. Her job was to give singing consultant consul-tant reports. She was preparing an aria on a zone exchange and Avenue, when she was run over bv a bus driven bv city employee Ed Billwards. "When I hit her, I remember thinking that was a pretty big speed bump to put in the middle of Heber Avenue. But the city never tells me anything, so I just plowed right over her," said Billwards. The Ragged tried to console Mayor Tailormade. That's the way the ball bounces, we said. "How do you know, he said. "Look at this!" He held up the city ball, a leaky and rubbery, deflated mess. "We have no way of knowing how the ball bounces. "I'd say that's the way the cookie crumbles. But Randy and Debbi have developed a cookie that won't break if you drop it from a three-story building! I'd let the chips fall where they may, but they won't break up either!" Can Rotarian be woman after the fact? ByGETA LO.VDATHIS Bagged Medical Editor The Park City Rotary Club was split in violent controversy last week when it was learned that one of its members had a sex change operation. Lea. aka Laird Emptyner. revealed to club members that he. er she. (they?) had been undergoing treatment from Dr. L'.R. Aeunuch for the past 13 months. "It's the real me now. well almost now. because it will take another four months for the hormonal hor-monal treatments to be complete com-plete and then another six for the. well you know." she said sheepishly. The Rotary Club is in a dilemma dilem-ma because bylaws state that women are not allowed to be members, yet it states nothing about a member becoming a woman. "Preposterous!" rar.ted club president Snick Lookalust. as he knocked his wine into his sirloin at at the past meeting a jumper. "Absolutely a he. she. he. she or thinks that they can with this, w ell they ha think coming. "I thmka itsa f- a ( I i m v. ia.ni bsurd' If whatever get a a ay ve another OK." said member Antonio Mitcheloso. "Shesa kinda cute." Nerdun Weak, longtime member of the club, also took a stance acainst the continued membership of Emptyner. "We'll have no facilities for her on the deer hunt." We;ik said. "And furthermore it's a sin against nature! " Board member ("hristoph Milking took the middle of the road approach. "Well, let's cet all th first before we decide. It's important im-portant to treat her fairlv and the rest of the club fairlv." ir.2 said Emptyner had been a jockey and news reporter for local radio station KI'KU. The station has not yet issued a statement on the reporter's operation. However, Natty Chalanoe, who has been taking hormones to lower her voice, said the the issue has not divided the station and the general feeling has been. "Fine." The Rotarians split down the fn(.S middle over whether Emptyner c an Keep nor memoersnip. "It's a crying shame that they would try to ban me," Emptyner said. "I'm still the same person. "Sort of." Milk- disc INDI Business AF6 Editorial AF2 Education AF6 Entertainment AFX Sports AFT |