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Show HAWK EYTEMS. Some people are such inveterate borrowers that they will borrow trouble rather than not have any loan on hand. There is a man in Aurora so thin that he had a row of buttons put on his umbrella cover and wears it for an ulster [long overcoat]. "Let's salve the best thing you've got for a cut," and the doctor gave him one with his whip. Three hundred thousand habitual drunkards perpetuate the music of "We won't go home until morning" in the United States. "What is meant by the power behind the throne?" asked the teacher, "The ace," replied the smart bad boy, "which is greater than the king." P.S. - The s.b.b. {smart bad boy] stayed in afer school. "What do you do for sleeplessness?" a nervous man asked his physician. "Set the alarm for five o'clock," replied the medicine man. And the stupid patient couldn't imagine what that had to do with it. Tell you, fellows, if the political parties should happen to run short on speeches this fall, what a chance there would be for an active man and a good steady talker to go around and talk politics. If we hear of any such chance we'll let you know. Professor March complains that we have too many "silent letters." Yes, probably we have. If we could only trade off a million or so of them for men with the same characteristics, what a blessing it would be in this country during election times. It's well enough for the poets to sing of the philosophers and scholars who draw wisdom from the stars, but if the poet wants a theme worthy of his pen, just let him watch the young man who can stand on the corner and suck wisdom out of an ivory-headed cane. The Monmouth correspondent wants to know, "Can a woman ride a bicycle?" Can she? Son, you ask questions like a man who is not married. When you learn of anything a woman can't do when she makes up her mind that she will do it, let me know. How old, or rather, how young are you? Thomas Jefferson used to keep a scrap book. And he was a great man, too; but to the day of his death he was not able to find anything in that book that he wanted to find, and all his really important scraps he carried around in his vest pocket until they wadded and chafed themselves into shady and unintelligible lint. A contemporary complains that there are too many laws in this country. We fear that is true. The police captured a burglar not long ago who complained that there were so many laws that he couldn't break the half of them in business hours and had to sit up at night to finish the rest of them. The Central New York Farmers' club recently sent out invitations to its annual picnic with its initials heading of the card of invitations. "C.N.Y.F.C." indignantly read an old Granger, " ef that ain't the blamedest way to spell knife! This comes of yer new fangled spellin reform!" And he immediately sat down and wrote a wrathful letter to Professor North about it. |