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Show HAWKEYE EDITORIAL DOTS. <br><br> The czar appears to be the only man that doesn't make jokes about it. <br><br> Mark Twain, it is reported, wants to go to congress. Then why doesn't he go? He has money enough. <br><br> The Russian Fourth of July threatens to last about all the year, if the czar holds out so long as that. <br><br> At the city election in Augusta, Me., the Republicans elected Peleg O. Vicke [Vickery] mayor. Vicktery Vicktery! <br><br> What is all this fuss about the bill for the relief of Fitz-John Porter? We thought Pope relived him, long ago. <br><br> Hon. John Cuthbert, of Mobile, is ninety-one years old, and he still practices law, although he is old enough to know better. <br><br> Poor Arnold! He didn't live long enough to be reinstated with full rank and back pay. He was born too early and died too soon. <br><br> Tennyson thinks five hours' writing is a good day's work. Ha, it's easy enough to see that the man got his education on an evening paper. <br><br> Victor Hugo drinks coffee continually, and "stands up while writing." Ah, ha? Well, we know what ails him. Somebody has kicked him. <br><br> It is said that Tennyson has made wise investments and is now worth a million dollars. No wonder he writes so much poor poetry. He can afford it. <br><br> The leading Methodist church in Toronto dismissed the choir because it has been singing "Pinafore." Only "dismissal" ("dismissed") them. Why didn't they kill ‘em? <br><br> The Nihilists are probably so called because whenever they go a gunning for a monarch, they get nothing. At least they only get hanged, and that isn't what they want. <br><br> Postmaster Hilton has been postmaster in a town in Maine since 1830. He is now eighty-one years old, and his eyes are so weak it is all he can do to read the postal cards in the mail. <br><br> Mrs. Frank Leslie, who continues the management of her late husbands' publications, is said to be "beautiful, and an original thinker." Hah! Then why doesn't she think up something for- oh, well, if "bayonets think," why shouldn't scissors? <br><br> It has been suggested as a remedy for the paper corner, that the editors should own the paper mills. Yes, that would fix it certainly; but then if the editor owned a paper mill, he'd see the country in Halifax before he'd be bothered with a newspaper. <br><br> A lecturer recently stated that "the great empires of antiquity, Babylon, Assyria, Persia, are gone." There, that's just our luck! We were going over after them next week, and now somebody else has got them. Circumstantial evidence and our own opinions point strongly to Mrs. Gaines. <br><br> "No more at Panama than at the Suez canal, will the preponderating influence of another power to be allowed to lay hands on England," shrieks the London Standard. Hush, wrathful Jingo, hush! This isn't Zululand. Don't you remember, you were over here about sixty years ago? And there were so many hands laid on you that you went back under the impression that this country was a three-ply octopus. <br><br> Grant has now the grandest opportunity of his life to make his popularity eternal with a grateful and loving people; a grand opportunity for a sublime act. The sublime act consists simply in refusing to be a presidential candidate. This is the opinion of some of the greatest statesmen and thinkers of the age. Among other men of eminence and prominence who hold this opinion, may be mentioned these thoughtful and disinterested statesmen, John Sherman, Mr. Washburne, Mr. Edmunds, Mr. Tilden, Mr. Bayard, Mr. Blaine, and others. It is odd that Grant can't see it as plainly as they do. <br><br> THE WRATH OF ACHILLES. - "Achilles," said the crafty Ulysses, "why is ‘Lent' like "Pinafore?" <br><br> Achilles, who was cross about something, as usual, said he didn't see why, unless it was because forty days of it was enough to last people a year. <br><br> "Well, that is pretty good," said Ulysses, "but that isn't exactly it. It's because it's barred in good society." <br><br> "Barred?" asked Achilles in wonder. <br><br> "Yes, barred," replied Ulysses. <br><br> "But Lent is over." <br><br> "Ah, that's where you're fooled. Everything that's lent must be borrowed." <br><br> And then Achilles was so mad he went into his tent and sulked for a week. |