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Show JOHN HENRY ON THE GRIP. ByHUGH McHUGH l lijjfllWy " ' Hlilil(BIWI!lfftlHVHIIlW J'Vm (Had the Japs Put the Boot to the Crar." Say, did you ever spar a few hot rounds with a real attack of grip? When It comes right down to a case ot being a bad boy tbe grip has every other disease slapped to a sit-down. I had tho grip some weeks ago and ever since my system has felt like eight cents' worth of cheese. The medicine sharps toll us that the grip Is caused by a little germ which omlgrated to this country originally from Russia. It that's the case I'm glad tho Japs put the boots to the czar. I wish they would go after him again and. kick his crown off. I'll bet oven money that the father of the first grip germ must have been a bombshell and his mother was some relation re-lation to one ot Kuropatktn's retreats. Its dollars to pretzels that tho grip I germ Is tho busiest Idea that was ever I chased by a doctor. Nobody knows Just how or when the grip germs break Into the system, but once they get a foothold In the cplglot-tis cplglot-tis nothing can removo them except ln-wnrd ln-wnrd applications of dynnmtte. Tho grip germ hates tho Idea of race suicide. From ono small germ thero will nrlse nnd go forth a family the slzo of which wns never dreamed of In tho philosophy of our wlso and busy president. I don't know Just exactly how they hnppened to warm wise to mo, but a newly married couple of grip germs took a notion to build a nest somowhero on the outskirts of my solnr plexus, nnd two hours Inter they had nbout 233 children attending tho public school In my medusa oblongatn; nnd ovory time school would let out for recess I would go up in tho nlr nnd hit tho colling with my topknot. Before tho next morning camo all theso grip children had graduated from school nnd after tearing down the schoolhouse tho whole bunch had married mar-ried and had lnrge families of their own, nnd nil hands woro out paddling tholr ennoes on my nllmcntnry cnnnl. By nine o'clock thnt morning thero must huvo boon 85,000,000 grip germs armed with self-loading rovolvors nil trying to shoot their Initials ovor tho wulls of my Interior department. It wns fierce! When tho doctor arrived on tho sceno I wns carrying enough concenled weapons weap-ons to extormlnnte tho entire Jnpaneso nrmy. I'm up to ono thing nnd thnt Is that tho Russlnns couldn't bent tho Jnps bc-cnuso bc-cnuso ull the nntlonnl energy nnd vitality vitali-ty emigrated from St. Petersburg nnd enme over here with tho first crip germs. If tho cznr of all tho Russians had beon n wlso llttlo father ho would havo encouraged the grip germs to remain loyal to tholr native land and then ho could have sent them out to Manchuria to bite the rnmpnrts out of Gen. Oynma Instead of chasing Inoffensive American citizens Into tho drug stores. Well, nnyway, the medicine nilxerblew In, threw his saws behind the sofa, put his dip net on tho mantelpiece and took a fall out ot my pulso. "Ah!" he snld, nftor ho nnd noted thnt my tongue looked like a currycomb. "The same to you, doc," I said. "Ah!" he said, looking hard at the wall. "Say, doc!" I whispered; "there' no use to cut oft my leg becauso the germs will hide in my elbow." "Do you feel shooting pains in the I " I J A V ' "She Put Up a Howl." cerebellum near thai ajex of the cosmopolitan?" cosmo-politan?" Inquired liio doctor. "Surest thing you know," I said. "Have you a buzalng In the ears, una a confused sound llko distant laughter In the pauntelln?" ho asked. "It's a cinch, doc," I said. "Do you feel a roaring In the cornucopia cornu-copia with a tickling sensation in tb diaphragm?" he oeked. "Right again," I whispered; "Do the Joints feol sore and plnchei' like a poolroom?" he said. "Bight!" "Does your tonguo feel rare and high-priced high-priced like n porterhouse steak at a summer resort?" . "It do!" "Do you feel a spasmodic fluttering lu the concertina?" "Yes!" "Have you a sort of nervous hesitation hesita-tion in your hunger and does everything you eat taste llko an impossible sandwich?" sand-wich?" "Keno!" "Docs your nerve center tlnkle-tlnkle like a breakfast bell?" "Right again!" "Have you a feeling that the germs "When the Doctor Arrived." have attacked your Adam's apple and thnt thero won't bo nny coro?" "Yes." "When you look nt tho wnll pnper docs your brnlu do n sort of Ioop-tho-loop nnd cause you to meld 100 acres or doublo pinochle?" "Yes, nnd 80 kings, too!" "Do you feel n slight palpitation of tho memhrnno of tho Colorado mndura and Is thero at confused murmur In your brain llko tho sound of a hard-working gns meter?" "You've got mo sized good nnd plenty, doc!" "Do you hnvo Insomnln, nightmare, loss ot appetite, chills and fever and concealed respiration In the Carolina pnrfecto?" "That's the Idea, doc." "When you Ho on your right side do you havo an Impulse to turn over on your left sldo, and when you turn over on your left sldo do you feel an Impulse to Jump out of bed and throw stones at a policeman?" "Thero isn't anything you can mention, men-tion, doc, that I haven't got!" "Ah!" said tho doctor; "then that settles set-tles it." "Tell me the truth, doctor!" I groaned; "what Is It, bubonic plague?" "You have something woreo you have the grip," ho whlspcrod, gently. "You soe I tried hard to mention some symptom which you didn't havo, but you had them nil, nnd tho grip Is the only disease In tho world which makes a specialty spe-cialty of having ovory symptom known to medical Jurisprudence." Then tho doctor got busy with tho pencil pen-cil gng and left mo enough prescriptions to keep tho druggist in pocket money throughout tho summon Lntor my wife enmo in nnd asked mo how I felt, and whon I began to discourse dis-course amiably about undertakers sho put up n howl that brought tho rest ot tho family around the bedside on n hurry hur-ry call. Whon I told them I hnd tho grip each nnd overy member of tho household from Undo Petor down to tho cook begnn to suggest remedies, nnd It I hnd taken hnlf thoy suggested thoy could huvo sold mo to n Junk denlor nnd got goad money. Thnt evening our noxt-d'oor nolghbor, Bud Tnylor, camo In nnd ndvlsod mo to tnko quinine nnd whisky overy time I felt n shooting pain. I took his advice, but at tho end ot tho first hour the scoro was 98 to 37 In favor of tho shooting pains, and the whisky had such nn effect on tho quinine that It mndo tho germs Jealous, so bo-tweon bo-tweon them thoy cooked up n little black man who advised mo to chaso Bud out of tho house, which I did by throwing medlclno bottles nt him. That night the vrhlsky and qutnlne held n director's merging with tho germs and thn they wound up with a sort of Mardl Grns parado through my system. I was tho gout! Whon daylight uroko I was a total wreck, nnd I swore thnt tho next person per-son thnt said whisky and quinine to me would get all his. After hrcnkfnst another friend of ours. Jnek Gibson, blew In, nnd after he looked me over his weary eye fell oa' the decanter. Then Jnck smacked his lips and whl pered that the best cure for the grip was-a was-a glass of whisky and qutnlne every time I folt chills and fever, and he'd bo glad to Join me. When loving hands picked Jack up at the bottom of the stairs he was almost Insulted, but ho quieted down when my wife exptalned to htm hat I was suffer-Ing suffer-Ing not only from tho grip but that t had also a slight attack of Jlu-Jltsu. After weeks of study devoted to the subject I have come to the conclusion that the only way to cure the grip Is to stay stick until you get better. That's what I did! (Copvrlclrt, 1901, by G. W. Dillingham Co.) IH |