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Show A2 The Emery County Review, Tuesday, May 13, 2008 The News Off The Beaten Path MUG SHOT D E DA Z LIGHTER SIDE Mother Nature is Brutal Class Photo Mr. Parson’s 5th Grade Class at Bookcliff Elementary in Green River demonstrate that when you raise a camera and ask the class to give you a good face it pays to be a little more specific. If you want a good smiling face you had better ask for it, because just saying you want a good face results in a picture pretty much like the one to the left. James L. Davis Mother Nature is not cute. Nor is she cuddly, soft, furry or lovable. These are all human characteristics that we, as humans, just like to use to describe her. The problem with that is this: Mother Nature is not human and will not even attempt to live up to these characteristics. Mother Nature is, in reality, a brutal, methodical, unforgiving and practical wonder which will just as easily bite your head off as warm your heart. I hadn’t really thought about Mother Nature as, well as a force of nature very often. It was just something I dealt with when the need arose. But from time to time I actually like to sit down and think, and recently I decided to think about the world around me. The thoughts scared me a little because if Mother Nature doesn’t scare you, then it should. As an example, I offer you this: A few years back my daughter begged and pleaded until I finally relented and let her get a kitten. One day while we were outside we let the kitten come out with us. At the same time, we let our old dog free to get a little exercise. Now these are domesticated animals mind you, so you would think they would act civilized. But then again, civilized is a human word for a human characteristic, so I should have known better. The dog’s name was Bear, which is a name we gave him because we thought it was cute, but it should have been a warning. Do not give animals cute names, because they are animals and will act like animals no matter how much you try to make them act otherwise. Other than having an imposing bark Bear was about the most harmless dog I had ever seen, or so I thought. With the kitten playing in the yard and Bear running in the yard it was only a matter of time before they noticed each other. When they did, Bear became quite excited and the kitten became quite agitated. I was sitting and watching the two of them, grinning and wondering when the kitten was going to give the big, dumb dog a good scratch on the nose. Bear, meanwhile, was trying to get as close to the kitten as he possibly could without actually being scratched. This game went on for a few minutes and then I turned my head for a second. When I turned back I found that the game was over...the kitten was gone. I wasn’t sure exactly where the kitten had gone until I looked at my dog and noticed he had a tail sticking out of his mouth. I yelled for the dog to spit out the cat, which he promptly did, and the kitten, a little soggy but none the worse for the wear, hissed herself as far away from the dog as she could. I had forgotten about that little lesson from Mother Nature until a week or so later when my children came home with some lizards. We gathered up one of our old aquariums, filled it with some dirt and rocks and put the lizards inside. Then my children spent a couple of hours gathering up bugs to give the lizards to eat. They gathered up ants, worms and a couple of really big spiders, all of which the lizards showed no interest in whatsoever. After a couple of days the lizards began to look a little lethargic, so my children went out in search of new food sources. They came home with a great many crickets, large crickets mind you. Now I’m the first to admit that I have very little knowledge about lizards or their eating habits, so I told them that I didn’t think the lizards would eat the crickets, after all the crickets were awfully big for those two little lizards. But my kids put them in the aquarium anyway. That was when the massacre began. Within a few minutes my son’s lizard had latched onto one of the crickets and was compressing it into its mouth. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the spiders, which had gone a few days without food themselves, had started their own feast with the crickets as the main course. Meanwhile, the crickets, realizing that they were the only thing of interest on the menu, began to try and climb the walls in a futile attempt to get out of there. In the end, only three or four crickets survived and I believe the only reason they did is because my daughter’s lizard was on a hunger strike until it was released from its prison. The next day we released the lizards, the spiders and the badly shaken surviving crickets into the wild. It was then that I began to wonder about Mother Nature. What I wonder is this: Should we be so worried about Mother Nature? We do an awful lot of hand wringing thinking that somehow humanity is going to destroy Mother Nature. I’m sure that dinosaurs millions of years ago did the same thing, thinking that they were stepping on too many trees or something along those lines and that they would eventually destroy the earth. Well, one day, Mother Earth gave a little sneeze and the dinosaurs were gone. Not that I think we shouldn’t try to protect Mother Nature, we should. But not because Mother Nature needs the protection, because if we don’t show her some respect we might, with all of our stomping around, anger her in some way and she’ll give another little sneeze and wipe us out as well. Or even worse, she’ll come up with something a little higher on the food chain than we are. A 60-foot cricket, perhaps. Photo by James L. Davis Chuck Shepherd Lead Story Almost-anything-goes “ultimate fighting,” also known as “human cockfighting,” is a major “sport,” mostly in Southern and Western states, but only in Missouri are kids as young as 6 permitted on the mats, according to a March Associated Press dispatch from Carthage, Mo. Members of the Garage Boys Fight Crew, ages up to 14, including one girl, regularly square off with only a few concessions in rules and protective gear from their adult counterparts. Parents seem to regard the sport as casually as they regard Little League or soccer, and sportsmanship is in evidence, as kids are still best friends, pummeling each other inside the cage but then heading off afterward to play video games. The Entrepreneurial Spirit! -- A highlight of this year’s Easter promotion by the Jelly Belly company (as additions to its 50 standard flavors) was its surprise BeanBoozled boxes, with odd tastes and non-standard colors. Although garlic beans, buttered-toast beans and cheese pizza beans are no longer available, connoisseurs can sample jelly beans made to taste like pencil shavings, ear wax, moldy cheese and vomit. A Jelly Belly spokeswoman told Newhouse News Service in March, “There are 20 flavors in each little box ... so you don’t know what flavor you are tasting ... coconut or baby wipe.” -- Los Angeles businessman Llewellyn Werner told The Times of London in April that he plans to spend $500 million to build a Disneylandtype theme park in the heart of Baghdad, with the first phase (a skateboard facility, with 200,000 free skateboards to hand out) to open in just three months. Eventually, the park will include rides and a concert theater adjacent to the Green Zone. -- Questionable new products: (1) The Japanese manufacturer Nihon Sofuken recently introduced a slightly peach-flavored drink called Placenta 10000, but Wired.com was not able to verify whether it contains actual human placenta (which is supposed to have miraculous regenerating The Duplex NEWS OF THE WEIRD powers for some parts of the body). (2) From Nickelodeon merchandising has come a Spongebob Squarepants Musical Rectal Thermometer (which plays the Spongebob theme that (the designer apparently imagines) makes the temperature-taking process less unpleasant). Science on the Cutting Edge -- Prairie Orchard Farms in Manitoba told Toronto’s Globe and Mail in March that it has been successfully infusing hogs with omega-3s, the oils that get the best press among fatty acids, since it is found plentifully in healthful salmon and other seafood. A laboratory analysis of a slab of Prairie Orchard’s “enriched” ham had the omega-3s of almost one-fourth of a large salmon filet, but the best news of all was that a 100-gram side of bacon equaled that of the salmon filet. -- While many lab mice get selected, unfortunately, for work like cancer research, one group of male rodents at the University of Texas Medical School at Houston has been hard at work, with constant erections, helping researchers develop a biochemical treatment for priapism, which plagues men with certain blood disorders. (The condition is named for the Greek god Priapus, who, to be punished for sexual misbehavior, supposedly received an enormous, but useless, wooden penis.) -- Personality Transplants: (1) Cheryl Johnson, 37, described to London’s Daily Telegraph in March the many ways in which her personality suddenly changed following a new kidney that she received from a deceased, 59-year-old man. Some researchers believe in such a “cellular memory phenomenon,” but it is unclear whether, for example, Johnson’s recent abandonment of trashy reading in favor of Dostoevsky and Jane Austen would qualify. (2) Sonny Graham of Hilton Head, S.C., committed suicide in April after having spent 13 years with the transplanted heart of suicide victim Terry Cottle. The cellular implication is somewhat less likely, though, because Graham’s widow was the same woman who was married to Cottle at the time of his suicide. Charity on the Cutting Edge “Obviously, this is not as important as helping starving kids in Africa, but it’s the same basis,” Karla Rae Morris told Canada’s Sun newspapers in February. “They want to help us out,” she said, referring to her benefactors who had donated money (from two men, over $1,000 (Cdn) each) so that she could afford breast implants, based on arrangements commenced by the Web site MyFreeImplants.com, which facilitates e-mail exchanges and chats for prospective contributors and collects the money until the goal is reached. “It’s like donating to any charity,” said Morris, of her donors. “You feel like you’re doing good.” Bright Ideas Among the notable offerings at the International Exhibition of Inventions in Geneva, Switzerland, in April were beer-flavored jelly (non-alcoholic) to spread on biscuits, and artificial, removable nose hair (swabs of pipe cleaner for the nostrils to block pollen and dust). (“Most people do not have enough nose hair,” inventor Gensheng Sun told The Associated Press.) Italian engineer Enrico Berruti said it was his personal laziness that led him to develop a bed that makes itself, with automatic sheet-shaking and straightening. Diane Cheong Lee Mei of China swore that her novel computer software employed algorithms sophisticated enough to enable the user to detect the gender of any e-mail writer. Least Competent Criminals Not Ready for Prime Time: (1) Ahmed Jalloul, 20, was convicted in April of robbing a post office in Adelaide, Australia, based on DNA evidence. Witnesses said Jalloul seemed unsteady and unsure of himself during the crime and consequently vomited on the floor before running from the scene. (2) Eric Hardin, 20, was charged in March in St. Louis with possession of child pornography on compact discs, which his former roommates had turned over to police after cleaning his room. They had kicked Hardin out for his unbearably poor hygiene. Recurring Themes “Freestyle” dog dancing continues to thrive, at least in British Columbia (where the first organization sprang up in 1999, amassing an 8,000person mailing list, as News of the Weird reported). A Globe and Mail dispatch in April noted that Gail Walsh’s school for dog dancing, Paws2Dance, teaches moves like dog “weaves” around its human partner’s legs and “backups,” in which the dog sets its own paces apart from its partner. Holding the dog’s paws and waltzing, as in at-home dogdancing, is apparently tacky and non-artistic and thus never allowed. Now, Which One Is the Brake? (all-new) Elderly drivers’ recent lapses of concentration, confusing the brake pedal with the gas (or however artfully they try to explain what happened): A Citrus Heights, Calif., woman, 81, drove into the ATM lobby of a Wells Fargo bank, injuring a customer (March). A Chicago Heights, Ind., woman in her 80s drove through a Dairy Queen (April). A Burbank, Calif., woman, 88, drove into a post office, injuring two (March). An Indianapolis woman, 90, backed into a McDonald’s restaurant, injuring two (April). A Springfield, Ill., woman described as “elderly,” drove through a delicatessen (March). A San Diego woman, 81, drove her car onto the support wires for a power pole, where it was dangling when police arrived (March). And in a variation, a Mount Pleasant, Pa., funeral home attendant, 73, mistakenly shifted into reverse and fatally struck the owner of the car, who had just turned it over to the man to park (March). Once a Ham ... At a March British soccer match between Blackpool and Burnley teams, greyhound owner Jane Holland was escorting her retired dog Fool’s Mile for a presentation when the crowd noise evidently energized the champion racer, who broke away. “(W)hen she heard the crowd, she was off,” said Holland, and Fool’s Mile circled the track four times before being restrained. Said London’s Sunday Telegraph, the dog appeared to be reliving her glory days. (Copyright 2008 Chuck Shepherd. Distributed by Universal Press Syndicate.) By Glenn McCoy |