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Show A2 The Emery County Review, Tuesday, December 16, 2008 The LIGHTER SIDE Dazed News Off The Beaten Path Slice of Life Songs that Probably Should Never be Sung James L. Davis I have a question for all of the men out there and it is this: Do you ever find yourself driving down the highway, singing along to the radio at the top of your lungs when you suddenly realize that the song you are singing along to is sung by a woman? And that the lyrics of the song are poetic prose about a woman’s love for her man? And when you realize that you’re singing a woman’s love song about her man, do you feel a little weird? Yeah, me neither. But I wonder about things sometimes, things that I probably have no reason to be wondering about, but can’t seem to help wondering about anyway. Like why it is that when I sing along to the radio, it is invariably to a song sung by a woman? Sometimes I don’t even recognize that I am in fact singing along to a woman’s song until it comes to a part of the song where the singer is singing in no uncertain terms about her man and my tongue suddenly stumbles over my teeth because I realize I am singing along to Taylor Swift’s Love Story: “Romeo take me somewhere where we can be alone – wait, what, no! Nevermind.” And suddenly I am grateful that I am driving alone in my truck and that the windows are safely rolled up. So I stop singing and try to figure out manly things to do on the rest of my drive, like picking my nose or scowling out the window, both of which I am fairly good at, but not while singing Taylor Swift songs. Of course, picking your nose and scowling out the window can only occupy your mind for so long, and then I find myself returning to the music on the radio. I have to admit that I secretly enjoy singing a great deal, but have always tried to show proper respect for humanity by not sharing this passion with the rest of the world. Which is why I sing in the privacy of my own truck, except when cars are passing by in the other direction. I don’t want the passersby to see that I am singing alone in my truck (they might be able to read lips and realize I am singing Taylor Swift songs), so when cars pass by I do less embarrassing things, like picking my nose or scowling. But when cars aren’t passing me, my truck is quite often a sound studio for hundreds upon hundreds of songs that I have never recorded, again, because of my overwhelming love for humanity. Since I am a secret singer, I have developed a love for a variety of music, but mostly country and rock. I like current country and rock music and don’t bother with the oldies stations for a couple of reasons, the first being that the music they are calling oldies nowadays is music I grew up with; and I am not quite ready for the term “oldies” to be applied to my generation, whether it fits or not. The second reason is because I listened to 80s music in the 80s. I’ve already heard it all and while I enjoyed it, I enjoy listening to new music as well, except for songs that are sung by men who sound like they have been kicked very hard in the privates. I can’t reach those notes, even with a ladder. I’d rather sing Taylor Swift songs. One of the other things I quite often find myself doing while driving alone in my truck is composing my own songs to the beat of current hits. Over the years I have discovered that I am an incredibly talented songwriter and can compose long and glorious prose off the top of my head. Unfortunately, almost all of the songs that I compose while driving in my truck revolve around the unique and original sounds and smells I can make with my own body. I have yet to find a market for these songs, but believe that if songs about body odor or gas ever become popular, then I stand a very real possibility of becoming a huge music star. The rest of the songs I compose almost always concern the impact a bare and hairy butt might have on the unsuspecting world. Again, I realize that the market for songs about hairy butts might be incredibly limited, but if that fact ever changes, I have dozens of songs that could be chart toppers. While I don’t normally share my singing with the rest of the world, I have on occasion found myself breaking into song around my children and for some reason they do not seem particularly appreciative of my songs or their subject matter, even when I add sound effects to create the proper mood. Perhaps I should try singing them from a woman’s perspective. Or maybe not. Christmas at Zions Bank Ferron Elementary student body officers decorated the Christmas tree at Zions Bank on Dec. 3. Officers are Mark DeBry, President; Jordan Fuller, Vice President; Tyson Roper, Vice President; Aspen Blooner, Secretary; and Gentry Noyes, Treasurer. The ornaments were comprised of combinations of Fruit Loops, beads, glitter, colored paper, play dough and pipe cleaners Mark DeBry commented, “There is only one word for this tree and it is “purtiful”. Cleveland and Huntington combined sixth grade bands, with Reed Fehlberg conducting, played Christmas music and helped welcome Santa Claus to Zions Bank in Huntington later in the afternoon. There was a large crowd at the bank and the children were excited to tell Santa what they wanted for Christmas. Photos by Kathy Ockey News of the Weird Chuck Shepherd Lead Story The Christmas Nativity scenes in northeast Spain’s Catalonia region have, for three centuries, featured not only Mary and the Three Wise Men but the ubiquitous “caganer” icon, always portrayed with pants down answering a call of nature (and often so obscured in the scene as to popularize Where’s-Waldotype guessing by children). The origin of the caganer (literally, “pooper”) is unclear, but some regard it merely as symbolic of equality (in that everyone has bowel movements). Catalonia is now home to artists who craft statuettes of religious figures poised to relieve themselves, and the franchise extends to renditions of sports figures and celebrities (and even a squatting President Bush). One family in Girona province sells about 25,000 a year, according to a November dispatch in Germany’s Der Spiegel. People Different From Us Larry and Diana Moyer set out in November from Beaver Dam, Wis., in their oversized RV to spend some warm days in St. Petersburg, Fla. Since they travel with their pets, Jack (Diana’s “service” kangaroo) and Edward (an elderly goat that uses a cart for mobility because of front-leg paralysis), their route south was circuitous because The Duplex of some states’ restrictions on “exotic” pets. The RV broke down three times. In Florida, Larry had a stroke and was hospitalized for two days. Then, a fuse box short-circuited, and the RV burned up, torching their money and ID. Diana was hospitalized for smoke inhalation. With Red Cross help, they found a motel that accepted goats (but not kangaroos, so Jack went overnight to a wildlife facility). At press time, according to a Tampa Tribune report, the couple had bought a junk car and were headed home, with Jack curled up in Diana’s lap. Leading Economic Indicators -- Budget Relief for the California Government: A homeless transient, Steven Butcher, 50, was convicted of starting fires in the Los Padres National Forest near Santa Barbara in 2002 and 2006 (the latter which burned 163,000 acres) and in November was sentenced to nearly four years in prison. When Butcher gets out, he can work on the other part of his sentence, as he was also ordered to pay back the state for the fires’ costs, in the amount of $101 million. -- When the Poway Unified School District near San Diego cut teachers’ printing budgets this year, some handout-intensive instructors had to dip into their own pockets to keep their students supplied. Calculus teacher Tom Farber decided in September to sell ad space on page one of his exams, at $10 for a quiz and up to $30 on the semester final. As of November, he told the San Diego Union-Tribune, only parent-sponsored inspirational messages have been bought, but he said he would welcome certain retailers’ ads. -- Economic Stimulus: A British surgeon will spend an estimated 250,000 pounds ($370,000) to equip her luxury home in Gloustershire with a state-of-the-art, three-room suite for her two Great Danes, including cameras so that she can monitor them via the Internet while she is away. Instead of an ordinary dog door, a retina scanner will control entry, and rather than rely on human stewards, the big darlings will be dispensed filtered water and dry food automatically in self-cleaning bowls. A temperature-regulated saline spa is available for relaxing dips before turning in for the night on sheepskin-lined dog beds. The Continuing Crisis A group of recently published cookbooks touting imaginative dishes served by world-renowned chefs includes Ferran Adria’s volume on just his everyday fare at the world’s top-rated elBulli in Spain. Probably too complex for home cooking are the parmesan ice cream sandwiches, quail eggs with crispy caramel coating, calamari tube ravioli with coconut gel, and espe- cially the preserved tuna-oil air (to create foam). However, for about $250, wannabes can purchase Adria’s “Sferificacion MiniKit” with utensils and guidance on more manageable possibilities, such as watermelon soup with tomato spheres. Least Competent Criminals -- Robert Garrett, 33, and Jesse Dyer, 32, were arrested in Lincoln, Neb., in November and charged with burglary and the theft of a 55-inch TV, which they had taken to their car, only to realize that it wouldn’t fit. When a next-door neighbor spotted them, they tried to bribe her for $100, to hold the set until they could return with a bigger car, but she called the police. -- Joseph Barton, 62, and an associate were arrested in November by local drug officials in Hurley, N.Y., and charged with a marijuana growing and distribution scheme of “epic scope and sophistication,” according to a Middletown Times HeraldRecord report. Besides the 45 pounds of marijuana seized, the chief evidence is copies of Barton’s self-made biographical DVD chronicling a life of drug deals, describing candidly his adventures and business acumen. (Copyright 2008 Chuck Shepherd. Distributed by Universal Press Syndicate.) By Glenn McCoy |