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Show A2 The Emery County Review, Tuesday, November 4, 2008 The LIGHTER SIDE Dazed News Off The Beaten Path Slice of Life Beware the Blanket Thief James L. Davis It has recently come to my attention that I am a blanket thief. It happened because one night I woke in the middle of the night and thought to myself that we had a very comfortable vibrating bed. Then I remembered that we do not own a vibrating bed. The vibrations were coming from my wife, who was shivering violently. She was shivering so violently that her feet were on the verge of being shaken free from their frozen position in the small of my back. This is their normal sleeping position. I believe that that the normal sleeping position for most women’s feet is in the small of the back of their husband. I do not understand this and the simple fact that women can so position themselves to plant their feet in the small of a man’s back while also stealing their pillow speaks of an elasticity that no man could ever hope to duplicate. I was mortified to discover that I was in fact a blanket thief and I threw the blankets back over my wife. She immediately curled them around her body to form a cocoon of warmth, all the while keeping her feet firmly planted in the small of my back. I gave the blankets to her because I don’t really use them for warmth, I curl them into a large, comfortable pillow to replace the one my wife has stolen from me. I would use my wife’s pillow but my wife seems to believe her pillow belongs on the floor, because that is where it always ends up. Had I been using the blankets as blankets instead of a pillow, the fact that I had stolen them would have been of no consequence to my wife, because when sleeping my wife forms her body so completely to my own that the blankets would cover us both anyway. The fact that she does so again makes me wonder about the amazing elasticity of a woman’s body. It also makes me wonder why we have a queen size bed, because we only use a quarter of it. Depending on how we choose to rotate our bed and where I decide to position myself for sleep, we could in theory sleep on our queen size bed three times longer than the average couple. Of course that only applies when we are sleeping on the bed together, because the way we sleep on the bed together is totally and completely different than how we sleep on the bed by ourselves. When sleeping on the bed together my wife waits patiently while I try out one position or the other and finally settle into the same position that I sleep in every night, curled with my face to the outside of the bed, teetering precariously on the edge and at risk of falling off the bed entirely. Then she forms her own body to mine, something like the face hugger in the Alien movies, but much more pleasant. Once we have melded into one sleepy mass, we fall asleep almost immediately. But that is not the case when sleeping in bed alone. When I have the bed to myself, I sleep in the center of the bed, spread eagle with both my pillow and my wife’s pillow under my head. I have observed that my wife sleeps in pretty much the same fashion when she has the bed to herself. While I could speculate that the reason we sleep so closely together is because of our love for each other, the real reason, I suspect, that we sleep curled together like we do has much less to do with our love for each other and more to do with the fact that our stomach’s are sentient beings intent on the overthrow of the rest of our bodies. I suspect as much because on occasion I will wake in the middle of the night for reasons other than the realization that I have stolen all of the blankets. When I do I have been shocked, shocked I tell you, to discover that my wife’s stomach and mine are talking to each other. It sounds innocent enough, sure, but I believe there is something sinister at work between our two stomachs. Lying in bed I listen closely as my wife’s stomach makes a whispering demand of my own stomach. “Orrrmmm ahhhh errr errr grrrpp,” her stomach will say. “Uhh grrshhh ahh,” my stomach will reply. I have tried to tell myself that it is simply the rumblings of two stomachs in the middle of the night, but I have awakened to their alien dialogue far too often to believe their conversation to be so innocent. They are plotting something, if not the overthrow of the civilized world, then at the very least, the overthrow of our own bodies. How else can my wife and I have the same craving for chocolate chunk ice cream while watching The Biggest Loser, if not by some diabolical plot of our stomachs? Coincidence, you say? I think not. While I may not know exactly what our two stomachs may be up to, I believe that in the scheme of things my wife’s stomach is the leader of the two. The only proof I offer is the demanding quality of the sounds my wife’s stomach makes and the subservient wails my stomach gives in reply. I have listened to them moan and gurgle long enough now that I am beginning to slowly unravel their language. I believe their conversation revolves around the theft of a blanket. Photo by C. Josie Luke Cottonwood Elementary students are greeted by the ‘Old Black Witch’ for Halloween. Youth Find ‘Bewitching’ New Friend C. Josie Luke An Old Black Witch cackled her way into the hearts of dozens of first graders as she paid her annual visit to Cottonwood Elementary on Halloween day. As the witch entered Keri Alton’s room, where the two classes had gathered, the children were visibly startled by the façade of the shuffling visitor, some scooting away. But when she sat down to read the story of a witch much like herself, the children were quickly engrossed by their new friend. The witch has been appearing for at least 15 years according to Linda Nelson, who invited her to read to the first grade children a number of years ago. She reads the story, “The Old Black Witch” to students with skillful ease, keeping all eyes fized on her. Each time she tells the students the book is about a witch “just like me!” For Nelson and her fellow teachers, it is one of the highlights of the year. “I just love the look on their faces when she comes in,” she explained. “It’s always a surprise. I don’t know why, if they have older siblings, they must tell the younger ones, but every year it’s a surprise. It’s tradition.” Neither the Old Black Witch nor Nelson clearly remembers when the tradition first began, but the witch commented, “Gee whiz! It was even before Dennis (Jones) was the principal.” Nelson said it began “at least” 15 years ago after she read the book and began making blueberry pancakes with her classes. It was after several years of reading the book that the Witch became involved. “When she got that costume, we got inspired that she should come in and do it,” said Nelson. Since then, the Old Black Witch hasn’t missed a year, and the younger students are still not 100 percent sure who is behind the mask, but the day she comes is looked forward to all year by those who have seen her before. She looks forward to it too. “It’s really a lot of fun,” she said. “I walk in and they’re just sitting there staring at me, think- ing ‘Who is that? Is she real?’ A few even scoot away, but I really try not to scare them. A couple will jump though.” This year she happened to pass the preschoolers in the hall. Many were scared and she tried to calm them by saying, “It’s OK, don’t be afraid. I’m a nice witch,” but they were still startled. The first grade students were also shocked but were reassured when the Old Black Witch began to read. The story is about a very poor boy and his mother, who buy an old house and turn it into a tearoom to make money to live on. At first, the old black witch who lives in the house is unhappy with the intruders, but as the story progresses, they learn to live together, the family in the lower level and the witch in the attic. The witch eventually even finds herself helping them in the tearoom and becomes known for her wonderful cooking, including her famous blueberry pancakes. At the end of the book is a recipe for those pancakes, which the Cottonwood students now help their teachers make each year after the Old Black Witch leaves. She then makes a visit to the lower grades on her way out, poking her head in to say “Hi,” and encouraging them to be safe that night while trick-or-treating. News of the Weird Chuck Shepherd Lead Story Donna and Joel Brinkle of Deltona, Fla., raised a family and held respectable jobs until, in the 1990s, they declared themselves a sovereign nation and stopped paying taxes. Subsequently, the county took their home, and they now appear to be living on the handouts of their son and their church, but they have become irritations by filing property liens against government officials (including, once, President Clinton) who fail to recognize their independent authority. Once, they tried to buy a $700,000 house with a “money order” drawn on their home-made currency. Even though the Brinkles’ game plan has failed on every single point (and Joel even did some jail time), the couple remains chipper, according to an October Orlando Sentinel report, certain that some higher of- The Duplex ficial will soon vindicate them. The Entrepreneurial Spirit! Street-begging has become so sophisticated that some Web sites and blogs offer “market research” for panhandlers, with tips from wizened “pros,” according to the Summer 2008 issue of City Journal. Current begging techniques (which apparently spread nationally, at least for those non-homeless, non-mentallyill beggars) suggest humor (e.g., “I won’t lie to you. I need a drink”) and specificity of amount (e.g., “I need 43 more cents for a cup of coffee”), which often produces a larger donation. Local TV reporters in Memphis, Tenn., and Salt Lake City, among other cities, have found panhandlers to routinely earn $10 an hour and sometimes substantially more. Science on the Cutting Edge -- British engineer Ken Walters became disabled from an auto accident and was living on government assistance to persevere through pain and long-time depression when, in 2003, he suffered a stroke. After a lengthy recovery, Walters discovered, while doodling, that he seemed to have a newfound gift for art. After drawing up some demonstration software, he was hired by the giant Electronic Arts company and is flourishing, according to an August Daily Mail story. His doctors said the brain typically rewires itself for protection after injury and that previously untapped consciousness can emerge. -- In September, scientists at Emory University’s primate research center reported that chimps seem to remember other chimps through “whole body” integration. That is, seeing part of another chimp causes them to envision the entire body. The researchers came to this conclusion because chimps shown photos of an acquaintance-chimp’s butt could, more often than random chance would predict, identify the face that went with it. Leading Economic Indicators -- Unlike their American counterparts, debt collectors in Spain are legally allowed to humiliate deadbeats in front of relatives and neighbors, and are thus quite successful, according to an October Wall Street Journal dispatch from Madrid. One collector’s employees make flamboyant house calls in “top hat and tails” and another’s are dressed as Franciscan friars, and yet another collector sends bagpipe players to announce the debt to the entire neighborhood. One debtor hurriedly paid off his daughter’s wedding tab when the collector found the ceremony’s guest list and began billing each attendee for his or her “share” of the debt. (Copyright 2008 Chuck Shepherd. Distributed by Universal Press Syndicate.) By Glenn McCoy |