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Show I call Fuzzy, vanished without a trace last June. Until three weeks ago, when I found her perched on my head o'clock in the morning. I have no idea where that cat was three at for almost five months, but I suspect she has another home. I think she is a damn bigamist This creature is gray and longhaired and has one of the ugliest dispositions toward other cats I have ever seen. Forced to share human attention with others of her own kind, she becomes a hissing, spitting crazed kitty. Extremely unpleasant. If this sounds like your cat, and she looks like this.- - as 50,000. However, Judd concedes that federal land swaps are difficult According to the Tribune story, Judd says, "They've been trying to trade those school trust sections since heck was a pup. Ok, Joe... we'll not have that kind of language again. SUBSCRIBE TO THE ZEPHYR No. 2." "Provo's Chant: We're No. Provo is now the second largest city in Utah and Mayor George Stewart couldn't be happier. In fact, George thinks they should shoot for the top. Stewart told the Trib, "Salt Lake is hardly growing; we've had tremendous growth. If that margin kept up over a long period of time, I could see Provo catching Salt Lake." WelL..why not? To hell with quality of life concerns and other Provo-ite- s, and do your duty. silly intangibles. Get out there, L-W- e're Bill is Back" Iverson Dennis County) has introduced Rep. a bill in the state legislature that draws a distinction between Here's the way it works. If petty vandalism and drive into the desert one Friday night a bunch of drunk teenagers after the game and they come across a steer and they pull the deer rifle off the rack and shoot it dead, the penalty might be a fine and restitution. But if the prosecution believes the shooting was motivated for political or environmental reasons, the culprit could face up to five years in jail The bill has felled to become law three times in the past; will it survive opposition this time? This is Utah after alL As Johnny Sagebrush used to say, "It makes you wanna tremble." year for only $15.00 Twelve issues (2 ycars)$28.00 Six issues a Eighteen issues (3 yeirs)$40.00 Name,,., Address City., , State 6 Zip "E 'eco-terroris- ' ...we're being shamelessly used by the same animal Let me know. We can at least share veterinary costs or something. AMAZING TRUE STORIES FROM THE TRIBUNE Since I disconnected my television, my only source for news is National Public Radio and the Salt Lake Tribune. I have become jaded and bored by most news these days; very little of it seems 'relevant to me anymore. President Clinton doesn't seem relevant Nor does the Congress. Nor do most political causes, liberal or conservative. It mostly feels like entertainment, and if I want to entertain myself, I can think of more rewarding ways to do it Still, when I sit down to read my morning Trib, I do it with a pair of sdzzors. Some stories are just too ridiculous or too gruesome to forget. And so I cut out the good ones and save them for a time like this. Here are some of my favorites of the last several months (the headlines are from the Trib; the rest is my own interpretation): . "Land Swap May Pave Way for Big S. Utah Development" Utah state and Kane County officials are drooling over the possibility of a 44,000 acre federal land swap, right smack at the Staircase National gateway to the new Escalante-Gran- d land of tract desert that surrounds the Monument It's a large little Utah communities of Big Water and Church Wells. Kane County Commissioner Joe C Judd says the land could then be offered to developers as a retirement community sort of a Utah Sun City. And the population could eventually swell to as many "WASATCH BOOM: Guide Growth or Lose Quality of Life" Some frightening facts: By 2050, the 10 county area from Brigham City to Nephi will have 5 million people, more than three times what it is today. By 2050 urban sprawl will consume half of the remaining farm land in the Greater Wasatch area. Despite all the new highway improvements and the introduction of light rail, travel delays will double by the year 2020. No wonder everyone wants to move to Moab. (INCLUDE 9 DIGIT ZIP) PLEASE READ THIS: The P.O. will not forward 3rd Class mail If you do not send us a change of address, we cannot be responsible for issues you did not receive. Subscriptions must begin with the next issue-19- 96 ft 97 back issues are available for $250 each. For earlier back issues call the Zephyr for a price list. Those readers who choose to take discounts do advantage of the multi-yeso at their own risk. There is no guarantee that the world will be here in three years, much less this publication. ar still make you ill but its still not the ink. WE USE NON-TOXI- C SOY INK The Zephyr may I have so many more amazing true stories, but I am out of space. Thanks to Tribune writers Phil Miller, Jim Woolf and Linda Fantin for brightening my mornings. Send Subscriptions to: P.O. BOX 327. MOAB. UT 84532 MANY THANKS I'd like to thank those of you who took the time to write Herb Ringer. It meant the world to him He can continue to be reached via the Zephyr. The AprilMiy Issue of The Zephyr will be on newsstands MARCH 27th NOTICE: All typographical errors in the Lame Issue are delibererate. sy.w.'.v.v..WA'.y.w.w PAGE 4 WHA TS LAME ? Volume h NUTSHELL-tA- e Rude motorists. Bruce Babbitt. Corporate banks. Chip sealing in August. Gossips. My own road rage. By pm Stiles PAGE 7 Month. Lame Dog of the Month. Sensual Humanoid Carrot Award. photographic evidence: Celebrity Readers of the PAGE8 for 1998. CANYON COUNTRY WA TCHDOG Crocne offers a depressing look back at 1997 and makes some pretty amazing predictions PAGE10 Y POETRY OF PASTOR DON: Don Falkc Returns (but sadly, in verse only) to do a little secular preaching. THE UN-HO- L And by the way. he still wonders whatever happened to his Broiler Congregation. PAGEI3 DAN O'CONNORS TWISTED TABLOID: Yes. giant aliens have invaded Moab and no. were not talking about rich weasels from the West Coast. PACE 16 THE SECOND ANNUAL LAME ALIEN SWIMSUIT ISSUE CENTERFOLD: Clinton. and a Hansen. Redford. Hatch. Donnie 6 Marie. Terry Tempest Williams host of other poor victims are 'enhanced' by Dan O'Connor PAGE18 Environmental Owen Severance presents the Second Annual Donald E. Currcy Award for Inscnsitivity-Janct- te Kaiser of the USFS must be spelling with pride. PACE 20 STREAMOFCONSCIOUSNES& Inspired by her new photo-morphe- d multi-ste- p image. Anne Wilson offers a program to perfection. PAGE22 lame on the Colordao Plateau. AROUND THE BEND AGAIN IN SAN JUAN COUNTY: Ken Sleight thinks that if there is ANYTHING it's the 1998 San Juan County Budget. PAGE27 half the celebrities on the planet. Turns out --he does. MINGLIN' WITH THE TWINKLIN' STARS with Kelly Stelten To hear Kelly tell it. he knows PACE30 Lake Powell FEEDBACK: The Bcr Knight letter that was supposed to be in the last Zephyr. Another good reason to drain The last word from Backwater Eddina. BUUL. "5 ' i - THREE |