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Show PAGE THE ZEPHYRSEPTEMBER 89 15 anticipation at bit longer. A few finger exercises perhaps. There, push the locked fingers out away from myself, luxuriating In the sweet sound of crackling knuckles, Imagining the delight that those fingers will elicit from the keyboard of the RCD In a few minutes, feeling the poison of rejection flow out of me. over. Ice-co- easy byJohn sensenbrenner Jim called Sunday and said, "A thousand words about nose picking Is a bit much. I had written this little oP story about people who dig In their noses while driving, you see, DWNP (pronounced dwump) drivers. And It seems that he had a dozen people read It, Zephyr Censorship Committee, and they were all offended. ' Good. Got their attention. Just what I wanted, In which case I thought surely he'd print IL But no, he sent It back stamped "Rejected. I wonder If they wear pointy white hoods at their censorship meetings? I So pulled on my neat little ol sulking hat That's It In the picture. I It when I sulk, 'even If It's 100 degrees out wear At times like always this, dashed by censors, spurned by the gods, with trembling hand I turn to my refuge, my solace, healer of my soul, restorer of my psyche, my TV remote control device (RCD). admit IL Pm out of the closet Pm a button pusher. - Im Oh, - yes, coming out Into the sunshine, no more persecution, no more guilt about my habit Pm tired of feeling second class because I watch a few more TV shows than an viewer who chooses to Omit viewing to one show at a time. Its a kind of status thing with me to proclaim challenging watched 432 shows last night. The use of the deceivingly simple RCD In the hands of an experienced Button Pusher can elevate televiewing to an art that transcends the mundane, experience of limiting viewing time to a mere single movie, or sitcom, or sports event With careful handling, the RCD can make It possible to . watch all the movies, or all the sitcoms, or all sports events. Or even aU of the above . and more. OOOwhee, the pure thrill of power. . I swell with renewed confidence at the of being In the editor's thought I'll I'll make careful preparations so Now do the rejecting. seat everything Is ready for an evening of restorative TV First, opening the .TV of room with to as of (Ike think, jit my door, authority,! my laboratory, I turn on the ' soft, Indirect lighting. Then, a proprietorial stroll ? around : the room,. Inhaling the oiled mahogany and the musty, collection of old books, glancing fondly at the two or three that Ive read. Next, a check to see that the lush, green plants have been watered and seem happy. Yep, they're all Studies have shown that house plants do much better In an smiling. atmosphere of noise and activity. Ah, now, the deity Itself, sovereign of leisure hours, perched silent and . expectant, ready to leap Into life at the touch of my commanding hand. But no, I think I'll prolong the wonderful J . old-fashio- ned 1 . , , . . . . . , A An Important part of the ritual preparations Is the tray of salty treats ld and beverages to Insure adequate energy for the ' satisfying work ahead. The fragrance of a rich cigar will help set the tone for the evening. Look there. The warm, comfortable plumpness of niy chair, soft and dark and Inviting, beckoning me to dim the lights and raise the curtain for the evenings performance. Ahh, that's comfortable. Now, firmly grasping the revered RCD I can feel the forces of the universe pass Into my being. And with hardly a perceptible flick of my finger I have ordered the magic box to open Its wonders for me. Marshalling all my concentration, the TV becomes more than just a TV. My little friend the RCD will see to that Never mind how poor the programming might be, I am now able to participate In the art, control the programming myself. The Inquisitor. The Rejector. I can express my disapproval simply by a flick of the button m take that, you're rejected; and that, head for the showers channel 6. Now lets try channel 43 oh, no you dont M take that Ok,, your turn channel 18. Ah, thats more like IL But, wait, what's this? Uh, uh, sorry ... zap. Let's see here you go NBC, you're on, but If In mind that j decide you stay on. This Is no democracy. My one vote keep sends you Into oblivion. What a catharsis; purge my psyche of poisonous frustrations; tar more therapeutic and less destructive than kicking the dog or throwing darts at your editors picture. That's my kind of televiewing. Despite the fact that I havent seen no confusing memories. with seen Ive anything, everything Why should I shackle TV We all know that we use only a small show? myself to a single part of our available brain power. The problem Is In discovering just how to put the unused part to work. Let's pose a few evolutionary Improvements In the RCD. Suppose we have ia command module similar to a police scanner,' programmable to the' type of lng want with to that returns at a, prescribed see, thing you to Interval, enabling you subllmlnally experience an entire movie .along with many other shows:. Say you want only comedy: program the module to scan for : Then, ; whirr, your little robot button pusher goes to work and lalighter. stops at the proper signal. If the laughter weakens, whirr, the robot goes, along the bands scouting for more. The same could be done for music, loud or soft, fast or slow, vocal or not, and so on. All youd have to do Is lie back, chug a beer, throw darts at Stiles, and enjoy. No psychiatric bills, no vet's bills for the dogs broken ribs. Cheap, when you consider It ; Yes, we're getting Into the golden age of televiewing. Before long we'll be able to do all these things. It may even be possible to use a sort of telepathic hat, designed like the knit one that I like so much, through which your thought becomes the TVs command. Years ago I remember seeing someone's Interpretation of the direction of evolution as a brain with a huge eyeball set on a tiny body. This conception can probably be revised Mo a televiewer, helpless and foundering, like an overinflated pig's bladder, useless little arms and legs flapping foolishly from the jiggling, televiewing mass. Oh yes, one viewing session relaxes me and clears me for more editorial abuse. If this one was printed then you realize that youre getting my second fiddle story for September. And seeing It In print surprises me. I didnt think that I was such a whiner. Maybe my TV hat Is on too tight auto-scann- . 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