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Show PAGE 10 THE ZEPHYRMARCH 1990 r .v. v train ride to hell by Jim Stiles For fifteen years, Id wanted to ride a train across America, but Amtrak has this Inflexible rule about pets they arent allowed. I argued courageously and loudly on behalf of dogs everywhere with an Amtrak agent once, 8nd got nowhere. "Look,' I said, Til buy the dog a damn ticket. She can sit right next to me. Hell, she behaves better than most kids. But the agent shook his head absently and kept shuffling papers on his desk. He was like a rock unmovable. Eventually, my dogs got old and died; I burled old Squawk last spring. For me It was then end of one era and the beginning of a new one. But with my dogs at least there in spirit, I decided to take that trip. The California Zephyr was scheduled to arrive at the Thompson depot at 11 a.m. sharp. We'd arrived an hour early which, of course, was really dumb because Amtrak rarely runs on time. Kathy Cooney along with husband, Chuck, of the Moab Mercantile and Art Gallery) was also headed East on the same train to visit her family In Moline. When the Zephyr finally arrived, promptly 20 minutes late (not bad for Amtrak), a conductor led us to our seats. I'd expected a half-emtrain but this superliner was packed - almost 500 passengers headed for points East and Glory. "Youll be In seats 49 & 50, explained the Amtrak man. The dining car Is two (co-ow- ner pty n. uBi After breakfast, we stumbled through the dining car to the lounge car for a better look at the Nebraska landscape. It had been several years since I'd seen a deciduous forest or a corn silo. As we rolled toward Iowa, my breakfast coffee had migrated south, so I left the group and went downstairs to use the head. But "Temporarily Out Of a sign on the door denied me the relief I was seeking Summer the Solstice? I March? ... wondered April? for how long Order on came Intercom with an the conductor chief I the As climbed the steps, announcement: "Ladles and Gentlemen, we are sorry to report that the toilets are In the lounge car, and In coaches one, two, three and five. We apologize for the Inconvenience. Good grief, I thought, pretty soon they'll be coming around passing out Mason Word was jars. On second thought, that sounded like a fairly sensible solution. out that toilets In the sleeper cars, the "upper class section of the train were working Just fine, and there was some talk of revolt against the bourgeois piglet eaters in their high-pric- ed private rooms. But the mutinous mood passed, and we all learned to live with our discomfort "Could cathlterzation be the answer? I asked Cooney as we sloshed back and forth In our seats. non-functlo- nlng and at Galesburg, Illinois, we lost East Iowa, our friend Dave we saw As train the Kathy standing alone with her baggage, pulled away, Cooney. I learned later that she stood like that for almost an a familiar for face. searching hour, because her family went to the wrong depot Larry and I moved to the lounge car for what was to be his final leg of the journey. We saw our last rural countryside turn Into suburbia a full two hours In de-boar- ded cars ahead, the lounge car is three cars ahead. Then almost as an aside, he added, "And the toilets In this car don't work. Cooney, who I later learned has a weak bladder when aggravated by bumpy train rides, called the conductor back. (What do you mean, the toilets dont work? What are we supposed to do? "The toilets are frozen, he explained. "They froze In December up In Minnesota when It hit forty below. They've never thawed out working In the next car back. Well, that was something. Until the call of nature beckoned, we decided to head for the lounge car, where we'd get a good view of ihe Rockies; the paucity of snow was evident as we climbed the long grade to the Continental Divide. The train follows the drainage of the Colorado for over 200 miles, to near Its source. Several times we saw Bald Eagles In the tops of cottonwoods, and once observed two eagles about to divide dinner on a sand bar by the river. "Mmmm. Mmmmm. That dead Jackrabblt really stirred up my appetite, Coondog. Let's eaL We headed for the dining car, where we shared a table with a college student and a businessman. Cooney commented that Amtrak meals reminded her of The food. dormitory college kid expressed surprise that she could remember that had something obviously happened so long ago. I "Kid," said, "you're dead meat This woman once threw a 275 lb. Hell's Angel out of our local bar with nothing more than her foot and an 18 Inch section of rubber hose." "That's right, confirmed Cooney. "Don't get on my bad side, or I'll make this for you a living Hell on Rails." trip The kid, who bore a striking, almost eerie resemblance to Jimmie Olsen on the old "Superman" TV show from the 50s, laughed nervously and tried to explain himself. time.-.- "All .. I meant was that obviously youve been out of school for quite some "Jimmie," I said, "tell me about your family. Cooney showed mercy and did not throw her vegetarian lasagna at the cub reporter. Once, the sun sets and the sky turns black and all you have Is a coach seat and If s only 7:45 pjtu, an Amtrack passenger Is forced to ask the question: "Now, what do I do? Most riders try to sleep, although no one can experience a true state of sleep, In a seml-r- ec lining position on a train moving 80 mph on tracks In serious need of repair. What a coach rider endures Instead Is a sort of semiconsciousness where you have no feeling of having slept at all; yet a check of the time will Indicate that a couple of hours have passed since you last looked. At 2 am I was jolted awake by a particularly rough section of track. I felt and looked Ike a human pretzel without the salt I remembered that as a kid, I'd taken a bus to the New York's Fair with the Boy Scouts and had managed to stretch out on the luggage rack above the seats. Now I stepped out In the aisle, to see If 25 years later, I might still be able to fit But there was too much gear and not enough shoulder room to squeeze through the opening. I would just have to ride this Hell Night through to morning. At 5:30 ajiL, the dining car opened for breakfast and we abandoned our seats In a hurry. We were joined by Larry, a ranger from Capitol Reef who had also boarded the Zephyr at Thompson, and Dave who came aboard at Denver. Although he carried a cane, It was not until we sat down for breakfast that we realized Dave was totally blind. Yet, I could not possibly suggest that he has a handicap. He works for the Department of Health and Human Services, has a wife and two beautiful kids (he showed us snapshots out of his wallet), and was on his way to visit some family In Iowa. before we reached Chicago. "It'll be like this until we reach Union Station, said Larry, "Or worse. He was right We passed the "high class suburbs, crammed full of $200,000 homes. The houses were so close together, I doubt the sun passes between each of them for more than an hour a day. The new suburbs gave way to the old suburbs which In turn yielded to the grimy fringes of the Inner city. I no longer saw trees or grass; just grey, damp concrete, old abandoned brick buildings, full of shattered windows, and garbage everywhere. New garbage, old garbage, probably historic garbage It had been there so long. We crossed the Chicago River, a black murky tongue of liquid. Beside the river we saw, Incredibly, a boat yard full of high-pric- ed cruisers, yachts and houseboats. "Do you think they put those boats In ttaJ river? I wondered. "I wouldn't, said Larry. "I'd be afraid the river would eat right through the hull." Finally, the Chicago Skyline came Into view, with the 114 story Sears Tower (recently purchased by Japan) towering above the other glass and steel skyscrapers. The chief conductor announced our arrival: "Ladles and gentlemen, If you look out your window to the left, you will see downtown Chicago, Illinois, our destination, and I'm pleased to tell you wo are only twenty minutes late. We do apologize for foe broken toilets and hope It wasn't too great an Inconvenience. However, we are writing a letter about foe toilet breakdowns, and we MU be sending that letter to Washington. The passengers, all 450 of us, roared with laughter. Thats a &1 good idea, we thought Tell Washington about foe great Amtrak Toilet Crisis. Im sure foe Congress will "put a man on It" Maybe theyll follow Moab's lead and create a Blue Ribbon Committee to Investigate. Senator: Mr. Bleen, you are In charge of toilets aboard Amtrak trains. How do you account for this complete breakdown of foe Bleen: Senator, to foe best of my recollection, I delegatedsystem? that responsibility to foe central services vice president In charge of sanitation and waste, and I can assure you, Senator, that gentleman has been dealt with, and dealt with harshly. Senator: So you're saying foe problem has been corrected? Bleen: Well, let me answer by saying that we now have a new man with foe ball and If he cant get those toilets moving., well, he'll end up Hke his predecessor. Senator: Thank you Mr. Bleen for taking foe time to clear up this matter. And now (turning to his colleagues), what say we adjourn to the steam room and a game of handball? Bleen: Thank you Senator. Senator: This meeting Is adjourned. I felt someone poking me In foe shoulder, around. I opened my eyes and looked |