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Show THE ZEPHYRDECEMBER 1994 PAGE 8 From the Manly Arts Desk of the Zephyr 3 old bathrobes and housedresses. . Weapon: screaming and barking. Camouflage: ball-pee- n hammer. Ant hunting. For small children and paraplegics. Weapon: Lure: Cheetos. Limit: 200,000. season Then there was the Jump-D- o n. winter in the bikers mountain Must certified for fawn deer. Open only to be done at night while stark naked, using rocks. Lawn Deer and Plastic Flamingos. Weapons: Special Suburban Season on Plaster must be over age 80 and hard of hearing. portable electric drills and Draino. Hunters No trophies. No limit. Domestic Rodent Release Hunting. Unwanted hamsters, gerbils, guinea pigs, white mice, and bunnies will be freed in the bottom of the town swimming pool on New Year's Day. Weapons: fireplace pokers and bricks. How imaginative! And it's all because the HAHAHA program staff held a of . creativity session last June. In trying to avoid the expense guns, they came up with a list of readily available weapons: potatoes, water pistols, dust mops, whisk brooms, sand, fingernail files, knitting needles, and zucchini. The trick was to match these weapons with a list of quarry: box elder senior cockroaches, citizens bugs, politicians, squirrels, ducks, chickens, mother-in-law- s kittens. and elephants, A creative list of possible lures was also developed: popcorn, discount coupons, small children, pigs' heads, beer, dead puppies, Oreo Cookies, 5$ bills, licorice; and ; peanut brittle. As imaginative as these concepts may be, the HAHAHA group was unable to match weapons, lures, camouflage, and quarry into feasible hunting season categories. And nobody was willing to give the seasons trial run. Except, of course, the goober . who volunteered to try hunting gophers with the shop-va-c. ; This failure is understandable. Who would want a senior citizen mounted over box elder bug, a bat, and a politician? And nobody the mantle alongside a trophy-siz- e even showed up for the dawn experiment in running down kittens with shopping carts in the City Market parking lot. There's just not enough useful meat or hide on them. Now I know this is sick. It is a bit twisted.' And these concepts are dangerous. Of course. Surety you understand, that danger is part of the thrill of hunting. If something or somebody can't be killed, it's no fun. But you need to know what your government is doing. You'll be glad to know the HAHAHA program has been canceled for lack of interest and further development money. Sorry about that They tried. We'll just have to be content with what we've got: the usual hunting season for grown men dressed up to look like trees and pumpkins, carrying big guns, armor-piercirigs and long knives, murdering adolescent male deer and elk and drinking beer. God knows we need the heads, the meat and the fun. Smash-Their-Brains- -In off-seaso- . By Robert Fulghum Shocking! Did you hear about the arrest out by the golf course this week? Some guy was caught hunting gophers with a shop-va- c near the 7th hole. Yes. Sucking the gophers right out of their holes, whacking their tiny heads with a hammer handle, and k carrier. He claimed it was his winter meat stashing them in a Budweiser six-pac- supply. Just what aroused the suspicions of the arresting officer? Well you may ask. It wasn't the sound. The shop-va-c was equipped with a silencer and disguised as a golf bag. The first due was three hundred feet of orange extension cord on the fairway. And the hunter was poorly camouflaged. I mean even a short pink skirt; matching sweater set and a blonde wig can't disguise the fact that there are not many lady golfers who are 6 feet 4 inches tall Or weigh 250 pounds. And have a full beard. Or pee in the bushes standing up. Ah, but there's more. At the police station the man produced documents identifying him as an undercover agent of the government Employed by a special task force of the State Fish and Game and Wildlife Agency and the Federal Bureau of Land Management And funded by the NRA. Yes. Believe it Despite official denials, this reporter has been given secret files proving that this consortium of government agencies does exist. It's called Hunting Alternatives Human Action Handicap Affirmation. That's the HAHAHA for short. Why? Certain liberal lobby groups demanded that the hunting and killing of living things be an equal program, that's why. It's time to extend affirmative action into hunting. Everybody gets a shot It's all the rage. Here's just a partial list of hunting seasons under consideration: Fishing for bats with light fly tackle. The lure is cast near bright streetlights using live moths for bait. Night hunting only. Suggested camouflage gear is a pizza delivery uniform. Limit: six bats, any size, suitable for mounting over the mantle. beef hunting. Open-rancows must be chased down on foot, wrestled to the ground and bitten on the neck until dead. No hunting in feedlots. Camouflage: dressed to look like a pile of cowshit or a very large salt lick. Golfer hunting. Lure: salted peanuts and beer. Open to physically impaired wheel-chausers only. Public golf courses only. Weapon: marshmallows and slingshots. Game may not be skinned out on the greens or Tees. No limit. it Male hunting. Open to radical feminists while experiencing PMS only. Bare-hand- ed . ng bow-and-arro- w cTfoabs Frinhno PUBLISHES Of Race O tbcflD'VERTISER 61 NORTH 100 WEST MOAB (801) 259-816- 5 FAX (801) 259-691- 8 ge app2 tHoftddp from aft of us at the (printing (place ir Jack-rabb- 3f0S? Gtecfeff And MY name Is Dave . On ' ' behalf of Friendly Dave and Daves Everywhere, we'd like to wish you all Merry Christmas . |